I am a 38 year old straight male in a long-term relationship. We have had two children together, and they are still quite young. I am not sure what killed the physicality and intimacy of our relationship (many things, likely), but as it stand, my spouse and I have been physically disconnected for years. This led to rather sleazy adulterate behaviour on my part. We recently discussed the topic at length (at which time I informed her of my indiscretions), and have decided to remain together for our children (we work well together as parents, and actually make pretty good friends). We have also decided to "open" our relationship, complete with rules of conduct.

We both seem to want the same thing: a companion of the opposite sex, one that will be a friend and lover. My spouse has found one. It is someone I am acquainted with, and this is fine, as I know him to be a fine, responsible human being. I have been looking for someone, but have had no luck yet. I feel like I don't really know what I am doing, or if I can even find what I am looking for, or even if there are women in the world interested in a relationship of the sort in question. One night stands are not an option for me: I find them pleasant but ultimately unsatisfying. I posted an ad on Craigslist, but only managed to attract a Russian woman living in Russia, whom I strongly suspect to be a scammer. Some clear, logical and humourous direction would be greatly appreciated!

By the way, I should mention that I am 38, very good-looking, in superb physical condition, charismatic, and highly educated.

All Too Human

You're seeking a companion of the opposite sex, someone with whom you're on good, friendly terms, someone who understands you're committed to your marriage for your kids' sake, someone you know to be responsible and trustworthy...

How about the wife?

Continue reading "Savage Love Letter of the Day" »

A response to something in last week's column:

A writer asked you about her boyfriend and his interest in seeing her with other men, calling in cuckolding.

I share a similar fantasy about my wife of 10 years. We role play it all the time; it makes for great sex. I've chatted with a lot of guys about this fantasy, and it seems to fall into three general categories, label them how you want. 1) Men that want to be humiliated by a cheating wife, 2) Men that want to see their wives used, and 3) Men that just get turned on by watching their wife enjoy themselves with another guy.

I fall into that last category. I don't want to be humiliated, I don't want her used; I just get off on the fantasy of seeing her have a good time with another dude while I watch. The letter writer should probably see what about the fantasy turns on her BF, as she may not like the response. She should also have him point out men he would like to see her with. I have yet to see one, which tells me mine is best left a fantasy.

Can't Think Of A Cute Acronym

I met my boyfriend on a dating site and it was suppose to only be a mistress/slave thing but when we met it turned into more. This is where the problem starts. We rarely have sex and when we do he NEVER wants "normal" sex. He has to be tied up or I'm the one fucking him (anally) and I have to do all the work. Ok, so whats the problem right? I'm a mistress and I'm the one who's suppose to do all the work. Ok, fine yeah, but sometimes, I wanna good lay and not have my partner tied up! I've mention this to him and he says that sex isnt an important part of a relationship! And that I'm some nympho with a crazy sex drive (he's the only man i've ever met who didn't like lots sex), but it's honestly becoming a problem. I'm starting to lose interest which I don't want to happen but this lack of sex is driving me nuts! Any advice? Other than self pleasure?

Sexless Mistress

DTMFA.

And I'm sorry, Mistress, you're totally being scammed here. You are having sex, and a lot of it—and don't let your boyfriend/slave tell you otherwise—but you're only having the kind of sex he wants. For him, getting tied up and/or fucked in the ass is sex. La duh. What you're not having is the kind of sex that appeals to you. Which is hilarious since you're ostensibly the dominant one in this relationship. Stop tying him up and stop fucking his ass and you'll quickly see just how important a part of a relationship he thinks sex is.

And where did you get the impression that the Mistress in a D/s relationship "does all the work"? Oh, right: from your selfish, inconsiderate, spoiled, topping-from-below boyfriend. He either starts meeting your needs, you DTMFA, or you tie him up and invite someone else over to give you the sex you're not getting from him.

Another letter that's way, way too long for the column. It's all below, after the jump.

But my advice? This frustrated after-the-jump straight girl needs to play to her strengths—the tomboy thing—and stop regarding/presenting her lack of experience as some sort of millstone that she will one day hang around the neck of some unlucky guy. There are guys out there that are actually into tomboys; and inexperience, when it's properly presented (think "a sexy opportunity for a more experienced partner to blow someone's mind and mold someone sexually," not "a horrible, horrible burden for the more experienced partner"), can be a major turn-on.

Also, people who rule out bars and internet personals and rebuff the assistance of their friends can't complain about how little action they're getting. Don't like bars? A large percentage of the people in them feel the same way; they're there looking for someone they can never go to the bars with again. Internet personals make you feel gross? Yeah, well, being single is making you feel worse. And if your friends offer to drag you places, let 'em.

Continue reading "Savage Love Letter of the Day" »

Do you have any tips on ending a relationship without being angry? I’ve been in a loving, GGG relationship with an older guy for over a year and a half. I’m only 22 however, and he’s very dependent. I’m not ready and don’t want to support him for the rest of my life. This is my first real relationship and I am afraid to leave, but know it’s best. It’s very difficult to make an inventory of what is wrong with the relationship to justify ending it without becoming angry.

Omitting Violent Emotions Reasonably

You don't have to talk him into allowing you to leave, OVER, or win a debate before you can leave him, or convince a three-judge panel that you're in the right. All you have to do is calmly tell him it's over, inform him that you're leaving, and... leave. If he insists on knowing why you're ending it, OVER, you can share your reasons—right then and there if you can, or later in a letter or an email if you're afraid the exchange will devolve into an angry scene.

But you're under no obligation to "make an inventory" of everything wrong with this relationship in order to get out of it.

Sloggers had some wonderful advice yesterday for the longwinded guy whose best friend's bride-to-be lost her shit when her groom-to-be got shit-faced at his bachelor party. You can read it here. So we'll stick with the wedding theme for today's "Savage Love Letter of the Day." Ladies and gentlemen, let's help out this deeply conflicted maid-of-honor-to-be...

I'm a 26-year-old lesbian. "Amber" has been one of my closest friends for eight years now, since we met the first week of college. We've always been particularly close; she's the first person I came out to, for example, back in my sophomore year of college. She's also, supposedly, straight.

Continue reading "Savage Love Letter of the Day" »

You know, it's not all glamor, this advice column gig.

A lot of my mail comes addressed to "Dan or the Assistant That Reads and Sorts His Mail." But I read all my own mail, people, and that eats up an awful lot of my time. I can usually tell when a particular letter isn't going to make the column—because the problem is too dull, too recently discussed, or the letter is way too long—and I'll stop reading a line or two in, hit delete, and move on with my life. But some long letters suck me and I read them all the way through because I keep expecting that something interesting is about to happen.

Like this letter. Sucked me in, read it all the way through, and at the end I thought... man, if plowing a car into everyone involved would get me back the five minutes of my life that I wasted reading this letter, I would do it.

The letter is after the jump. You got some advice for this kid? Let him have it in comments. Because I got nothin'.

Continue reading "Savage Love Letter of the Day" »

This just in:

I know you usually get mail about the sex lives of your readers (what with being a "sex advice columnist" and all) but I have a problem that has nothing to do with mine and my wife's sex life. I have a parenting problem, and given that you are a fellow parent and may have had to deal with these kinds of ethical issues, I'm hoping you have some insight.

My brother is a social conservative, something that makes holidays interesting given that I'm a liberal, and a politically involved liberal at that. I can't change him, but I'm disturbed because his son, who we'll call George, is thirteen years old and has taken on many of his dad's more intolerant characteristics. For instance, whenever I suggest that my toddler age son could have a girlfriend or a boyfriend when he grows up, George says he can't believe I'd let him have a boyfriend, because "being gay is just wrong." He also uses the word "gay" as a pejorative, as in "that's so gay." George takes every possible opportunity to let us know he thinks homosexuality is wrong and dirty.

George loves my son, and my son clearly thinks the world of George. So I have two questions.

1) Do you have any suggestions as to how to convince a thirteen year old boy that homosexuality is ok, or at least that he shouldn't go around talking about how wrong it is even if he holds that opinion? I have no parental authority over him here, and for obvious reasons my brother won't exercise it on my behalf.

2) Is there an ethical problem with me trying to convince George to adopt my values, in spite of my brother's clear intention to raise his son with "his values"? Or, put another way, does my trying to convince George without my brother's permission give my brother license to use words like "fag" in front of my son without my permission?

Advancing Liberalism In Youth

My quickly dashed off response:

Don't be such a liberal pussy—you're getting smacked around by a 13 year-old boybigot, ALIY. For christ's sake! It's time to stop wringing your fucking hands and start wringing the little bastard's neck.

Your nephew certainly feels free to share his opinions with you—great. kids have a right to express themselves. But you are an adult—HELLO—and you have a right to share your opinions with him too. And you can share them every bit as bluntly. "Being gay is just wrong," says the nephew. "You're just wrong, you little shit," says the uncle. (That's how my uncles addressed me.) Then tell his little punk ass to go read a book, learn something about the subject, and maybe talk to an actual real live gay person before he opens his fool mouth to you again on the subject.

Fathers, of course, are free—sadly—to teach their sons whatever ridiculous bullshit they care to. I'm teaching my son, for instance, that theory of gravity is just a theory and that invisible wads of magic chewing gum hold everything down. Your brother, however, can't expect you to forever censor yourself around his misinformed, opinionated son to protect the kid from realization that there are other points of view and that maybe—just maybe—what he learned at home is wrong. So put your brother on notice: If his son is going to share his opinions—his father's opinions, but whatever—with adults who disagree with him, then your nephew is going to get into arguments with adults, arguments that—with you, at least—he will lose.

And if your brother expects you to STFU about your views on homosexuality around his kid, you have a right to demand that he and his son both STFU about their POVs on homosexuality around YOUR kid, who might—the chance is small, but there's a chance—grow up to be gay.

Your nephew, of course, might be gay himself. I'd add, "Here's hoping the little shit is," but odds are good that your nephew will grow up to be one very messy gay adult, considering the bullshit that his dad has pounded into his head. We've got enough messy gay men lurking in the shrubbery and don't need anymore.

Written response to the first letter in this week's column...

I really wish I had known about straightspouse.org years ago. My husband came out after 18 months of marriage, and by "came out," I mean cheated on me with a college kid he met on facebook the day after Christmas.

Looking back at it all, I know that there were plenty of red flags along the way... from his passion for scrapbooking to the the gay porn on his computer to the fact that he never wanted to have sex with me, but we were both in complete denial. He even cheated on me with someone before we got married, but chalked it up to being curious. We swept everything under the rug because we were young and stupid and caught up in the wedding planning and completely terrified of being honest with our families and ourselves.

Yes, ACK's cousin's fiance might be aware of everything and might be into gay porn, but there's really a good chance that she's just deluding herself because she's scared of the alternative. And if the cousin has denied everything to her, or claimed that his homosexual relationships were just a phase, then he could very easily be deluding himself too.

Incidentally, my husband and I got a divorce and we are still quite chummy. I am now engaged to a truly wonderful man and the husband is still dating that kid he met on facebook (who, by the way, is a complete douchebag, but that's a different letter, I guess).

Straight Ex-Spouse

Alright, this steps outside the bounds of your usual questions, but I don't quite know who else to ask. All my life I have wiped my ass the same way. I lean to my left, lifting my right cheek off the seat and with my right hand I reach under and sweep across my browneye front to back—from my taint towards my tailbone.

Most of my life I assumed this was the way everyone else does it. But during a particularly candid drunken conversation with my college roommate he informed me that for him it's lift both cheeks off the seat, reach between the legs and sweep forward from tailbone to taint. I never even considered this method and it seems awfully comical to me. He thought my method was the most ridiculous thing he'd ever heard. We both realized that there was no real way of knowing without asking more people who was the real weirdo, or if both ass-wiping methods were common. By the time we sobered up neither of us was much interested to broach the subject with anyone else, much less talk about the subject further with one another.

Years passed, and recently I noticed my wife uses my former roommate’s method whenever she takes a leak (which kinda makes sense), but I haven’t had the courage to ask or desire to sneak a peak when she’s wiping her ass after taking shit. So what gives? Do most people wipe fore or aft? And is there a difference between girls and guys? Can we do a poll? Ever since discovering there is a different method than my own I just can’t let this go.

TOTALLY TAINT TO TAILBONE

Hm... we'll get the tech guys to squeeze out a poll for us as soon as possible. And did anyone else read this letter and think, "I don't know how I do it, actually." Of course, I don't have to do it for myself anymore—that's what news interns are for.

I'm sure you are familliar with the term "butterface" used to refer to a woman with a great body but an unattractive face. For example, "Wow, she's hot, but her face!"

There doesn't seem to be an equivolent term for men. Seeing as you have helped the world coin the words Santorum and Pegging, I thought that you and the readers could help come up with a word for a guy with a smoking body but an ugly face, as the need for it comes up from time to time, and the term "double bagger" doesn't quite cut it.

Needs Other Term For Otherwise Ugly Nicebuilt Dudes

I'm going to toss this out in "Savage Love" this week. But any ideas in the meantime, Sloggers?

This week's "Savage Love" included a brief aside about pornography...

As for what constitutes infidelity, well, that is and always will remain a highly subjective matter, WAVP. Every couple gets to decide for themselves just what constitutes infidelity within their own relationship. One couple may draw that line at pornography—well, it's usually the batshitcrazy half that draws the line at pornography and the sane half concedes the point under duress and "consumes porn" in secret—while the couple next door draws the line at quadruple penetration.

That crack generated a lot of outraged email from women who 1. don't like porn and 2. don't appreciate being described as "batshitcrazy" and 3. accused me of being sexist blah blah blah.

But I was careful not to use gendered terms or pronouns in that aside because, you see, I do get mail from gay men and straight women with batshitcazy boyfriends/husbands who object to their porn collections/consumption. But, yes, most of my mail with object-to-porn themes involves a woman doing the batshitcrazy objecting and a straight man doing the consumption-in-secret. And so far all of the mail I've received objecting to this week's batshitcrazy observation has been from women, and most of it went like this: "Porn is bad, mmmkay?"

So when I opened the email with the subject line I used to title this post, well, let's just say I didn't expect to read a stirring defense of, well, the text of the email is after the jump. Don't make the mistake of reading it while attempting to eat a chocolate croissant.

And remember, kids, one man's pornography is another man's appetite suppressant.

Continue reading ""Your attitude towards women and porn."" »

Happy nation birthday, nation!

I have a simple question regarding the now legal same sex marriage in California: Does it grant citizenship to foreigners who marry US citizens?

I ask because you recently claimed to have read the 140 page supreme court decision twice so I figure you're as much an expert as anyone—at least more than anyone I know. I'm a gay U.S. American living in France. I'm able to have French citizenship under local laws, but can my boyfriend get American citizenship if we take a trip to California next time we're visiting my family in Washington State?

My natural instinct is to say no, but it's a pressing issue for us and it's definitely worth finding out. If my country won't grant him citizenship but his will, I have no choice but to leave America for a country that treats us both fairly. How can we call ourselves a free country if US citizens like myself get better treatment elsewhere?

American Emigrating for Equal Rights

Sorry, AEFER.

When California's Supreme Court struck down a ban on gay marriage in May, becoming the second state after Massachusetts to allow same-sex nuptials, Boyadjian said she was inundated with congratulatory calls from friends believing the couple's problems were solved.

But the U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services confirms that nothing changes with the California court's ruling... Binational couples could make matters worse if they wed since getting married signals intent to stay in the United States.

"We cannot get married in California without jeopardizing Margot's future visa applications," said Boyadjian.

Is the woman described in this letter in the current Savage Love....

A few months before I graduated, a friend revealed that she had been lusting after me, and wanted to hook up. The trouble was that she's in a long-term relationship. She didn't see this as a problem—she was willing to cheat—but I didn't want to be a part of that, and turned her down. She then played some games and got me to kiss her when I was drunk, and later flat-out propositioned me (again while I was drunk), and I refused again. Then we graduated and moved hundreds of miles away from each other, which I expected would be the end of it.

Now, though, a month later, she wrote to tell me that she's "not over" me. Was I right to turn her down, or should I, as she argued, let her make her own mistakes? Should I let her boyfriend (and likely fiancé) know about any of this?

Not An Adultery Helper

...a skanky, skanky whore? I said she was—or might be, if this guy decides to do her—in my response. And a sex workin' reader begs to differ...

I like Savage Love very much. It's sound advice that is well-delivered, compassionate and no-nonsense. I want to bring to your attention though, that in your most recent column you used the term "skanky, skanky whore" to describe a girlfriend who desires to cheat on her boyfriend, or who maybe just desires to be promiscuous. Using words like "whore" in a negative context (where you are implying ridicule) is inaccurate and offensive. Whores are sex-workers who provide a sexual service for a fee, which sounds like just the opposite of what aforementioned girl's intentions are. As a dyke and a sex worker, I'm big on language reclamation, and that starts with using words in their correct, respectful context. Whores are smart businesspeople and important service providers, not cheating, horny, promiscuous girlfriends. Equating the word "whore" with promiscuity and an enjoyment of sex or "sluttiness" and/or dishonest behavior is morally wrong, and also propagates a definition that is one of the ultimate insults to call a woman in today's culture (ie. unchaste). There is nothing wrong with enjoying sex with lots of people (though there is something wrong with lying to a trusting partner) and there's also nothing wrong with exchanging sexual services for money. The two are not related though. I know someone of your political-mindedness would not intentionally want to propagate a word as a slur, so please give it the respect it deserves.

Thanks,
Proud Whore In New York

PS. The boy in the column I mentioned who does not want to engage in "adultery" is being a pansy. Of course he shouldn't do anything he does not feel good about doing, but even if he were to have sex with that girl, he would not be cheating. He has no obligation or relationship of trust to her boyfriend. She, on the other hand, does.

Easily half the mail at Savage Love now arrives with a qualifier like this....

I'd appreciate your advice. Please do not print this in your column. Thanks :)

At least the person that wrote the above had the decency to include it at the start of her letter. It's extremely annoying to read a long, involved letter about a fucked up, complicated problem and—after having composed a little advice in my head, or having already gone and looked up some stuff online, or having already sent a query to a potential guest expert—stumble across the "don't print this" admonition tucked away in a P.S.

Now I don't mean to be bitchy (it comes naturally), and I frequently write folks back that ask for advice but don't want to see their letter in print. But really, people. I'm advice columnist, not a therapist in private practice, and my email address is at the bottom of the column to solicit questions for future columns, and not because I need something to do in my nonexistent free time.

Sometimes I do feel an urge to offer advice to fuck ups with messy personal lives outside of the context of the column or the podcast. But that's what editorial meetings are for.

From today's mail....

I am a 39-year straight woman (divorced!) who has lived in Seattle for four years now. I have lived around the country and have never seen so many attractive, single yet scared people in this city!!! Dating seems like this silly game where the rules constantly change, fears of commitment and intimacy are set requirements, no one clearly expresses what they want and most of all, it's hard to share your deepest fantasies without somehow being judged.

I have had one long-term relationship, a few short-term relationships and some one-night stands since I have lived here. I also have a lot of great male friends and a few close female friends. That makes conversations about sex in general very interesting because I get to here a variety of opinions and I get some interesting viewpoints.

The most common complaints I hear (and have sometimes experienced) are 1) Men don't last long in bed (maybe 30 minutes if you're lucky) and 2) Seattle women don't know how to give great head. The latter is very funny to me because I don't know if it's because I am from the Northeast but I never have had one complaint and I have received major compliments. I don't mean to sound like I'm bragging but I am an EXTREMELY oral-fixated person and I get tremendous pleasure out of doing that.

A female friend of mine and I ended up comparing well, tasting notes and she also admitted she was great at giving head. We know that we have what it takes to please men because I guess we just have that open sexuality and we aren't afraid to use it.

I think what I am trying to figure out is do Seattle women not like giving head because it may take away some time from the actual fucking part? Is that why everyone is so sexually frustrated here?

Sincerely,

The Bronx Blowjob Queen

Discuss.

I'm sure you've noticed Dan's absence from Slog this week. Next week's Savage Love column, posted early here, explains why. He'll be back soon.

Hm. I am a bad, bad man.

The letter below was written in response to a letter that appears in this week's Savage Love, which you can read here.

As a breast cancer survivor who did the breast reconstruction and now wishes she didn't, I have to speak up for for the wife of IMHB. Implants are painful to get (the expansion process is hell) and need to be replaced every 10 years or less, are uncomfortable, expensive, and don't even look so great naked (at least mine don't). Aside from all that, there is no sexual sensation in the implants for the woman. What is gone is gone and for IMHB to resent his wife (and yes I think he does, a tiny bit) for not going through a painful and surgical (and therefor potentially dangerous process) for his visual sexual stimulation is, well, rude. I think you nailed it, Dan, when you wrote, "how would I feel if [my boyfriend's] body changed as he aged and after a few decades together he wasn't the exact same 23-year-old club kid I picked up in that gay bar?"

IMHB needs to be GGG and either close his eyes, turn her over, or duh, realize that he loves this woman and get over his homophobic fears that no boobs = boy. If he doesn't there is always the possibility that his wife will find someone who recognizes her for the strong, courageous woman that she is, finds that a tremendous turn on, and rocks her world.

With Implants But Regrets It

I need the name of a scorchingly hot French Canadian pop star, actor, or athlete. Anyone reading up there?

Also a bit closer to home... my son wants to go out for ribs tomorrow, his tenth birthday. Where's the best place in Seattle--or nearby--to have ribs?

Someone would like a referral...

My wife and I are looking for a sexy night out on the town (Seattle or Tacoma) with hotel and maybe a visit to a not-so-well-known alternative/sexy establishment for an outside of the box experience. Any ideas?

I have to recuse myself from answering this letter. I find people seeking outside-the-box experiences in not-so-well-known establishments far too annoying to offer this person, you know, the level-headed, impartial advice that made me famous.

You see, Borat here is seeking a not-so-well-known "alternative/sexy establishment" because he and the wife don't want to run into anyone they might know, or anyone that might know anyone they might know, which, of course, rules out all those well-known-and-popular alternative/sexy establishments.

I get a lot of mail from people seeking mythical alternative/sexy establishments crawling with alternative/sexy people enjoying alternative/sexy outside-the-box experiences--but ones where they won't run into anyone they know from their non-alternative, not-so-sexy daily lives. There are sex clubs out there, gay and straight, where people go for alternative/sexy experiences. But if you're afraid of being recognized, or if you think alternative/sexy experiences are shameful, you're really not big enough to ride those rides, in my opinion. So even if I knew about a not-so-well-known alternative/sexy establishment in Seattle (or, uh, Tacoma), I wouldn't tell this guy about it.

But, hey, if anybody else wants to help this guy out in comments, feel free.

Here's a selection from the written questions I received when I spoke at the University of Pittsburgh earlier this week...

Can a woman learn to squirt?

I've always felt a certain amount of sexual & emotional attraction to men, but I feel it's stronger for women. Could this mean I'm bisexual?

How do I get my gay dad to come out?

Can sex lead to love?

Why are so many straight dudes afraid of the butt?

Are you qualified for this position?

The answers, of course, are yes, yes, dunno, yes, because, and no.

Hm... first email of the morning...

Thanks for the help last night. I was at your talk at the PITT campus with one of the women I am seeing. She is 49 and has had three husbands and yet is still quite innocent when it comes to sex. (I'm 50 by the way, and not so innocent.) Anyway I have been trying to get her to play with my ass more. I have pointed out that she likes it so why shouldn't I? The most she would do was stroke the outside between my butt cheeks. Until last night, after your talk we went to her place and she inserted one finger while giving me a blow job. After she was done she looked at me and said "What have I done?" and buried her embarrassed face in my chest. So we still have a way to go until the comfort level is good, but a little progress is a little progress.

Anyway, thanks for your help and for some really great advice.

I'm a gay, recently out, 20 year-old male living in a large midwestern city. My problem is that I dont have any gay men to help me through this time and I was wondering what to do about my situation. I have always been overweight--not obese, but definately a fat ass. I am dowdy and not confident, I find myself growing cold and resentful from a lack of intimacy. I hate men because of my friends' stupid boyfriends and the coolness I recieve from other gay men. I am not a total loser: I have lots of friends but I just dont have the balls to put myself out on the market in my current physical and emotional state. Will I ever find love? Or do i have to wait until I get myself to physical and emotional perfection before I can find my prince charming? And I definately want a hunk--I'm not settling for any 2nd best shit.

Is this achieveable?

Dude Undergoing Many Personal Yearnings

So you won't settle for a guy... that looks like you? Someone that isn't perfect? But you you expect hunks to settle for a guy that looks like you? And if they won't--if hunks are cold to you, if they treat you the way you treat guys that look like you--that proves that other gay men are hateful?

I sound harsh, I realize, but you need to be pulled up sharp, DUMPY. If you demand perfection, you better strive to offer it. I'm not saying that you won't find intimacy or a boyfriend until after you're a perfect specimen of man--very few of us are perfect, and yet most of us manage to find love or something similar--but you're not ever going to find a guy if you're bitter at age 20.

Here's what you need to do, DUMPY: Think about what you want, and how you're goin to get it--and tell yourself, again and again, that you're not going to get the life you want instantly, it's not going to come tomorrow, but soon. Soonish. Then JOIN A DAMN GYM and, if you can afford it, hire a trainer and a get a consultation with a nutritionist. You don't have to be a fat ass all your life--unless, of course, you're happy fat, and you're happy to date guys that are attracted to/not repulsed by bigger dudes. They exist.

But they're rarely the 1st Class Hunks you're lusting after, DUMPY.

Dan Savage won't watch Two Girls, One Finger—the pseudo "sequel" to Two Girls, One Cup—but he doesn't believe that anything could possibly be grosser than the original vomit-inducing poopy-cup video.

I say it is.

So, I put it to you, Slog readers.

What's grosser: Two Girls, One Cup or Two Girls, One Finger?

Not safe for work, not safe for children, not safe for, well, anyone.

Apologies to your eyeballs.

I've been dating this guy, a year older and supposedly way more experienced than I am, for about a month and a half. At first it seemed we had a lot in common but then everything started going down hill FAST. He is really sensitive about everything and has insisted on calling me 2-3 times and hour, and if I don't pick up he has his friend call me to see whats up. He's basically a cross between an uber-preppy rich girl and a puppy but over-weight, broke, male, and has no fashion sense. He's clingy and likes to invite himself over A LOT.

The thing that REALLY pissed me off was when he had the audacity to call me spoiled. I work full time and go to college full time, along with having another job on the side. He's 20, not going to school, has no job; in fact, he never has, lives with his parents rent free, doesn't clean, doesn't even have a license. I'm paying my own way through college on a very small government loan. I don't think I'm the spoiled one here.

He pisses me off to a point where I've called his mom to pick him up. I haven't talked to him at all in 2 weeks. Another problem is since I haven't been talking to him I've been thinking a lot about this girl i liked in high school. We still talk and she's made it clear she likes me. What the hell should I do???

Anon.

You're kidding, right? DTMFA.

I wish I were. I'm a nineteen year old girl, I work in theater, as a techie, I can't deal with dating a guy who makes Elle Woods look like a lumberjack. I'm forced to deal with enough prima-donnas already. And this other girl, I've worked with her on and off for 4 years and we always have fun. So what do you think I should do, my Savage guru?

Anon.

I think you should dump the motherfucker already. Why are you even wasting your time on this clingy piece of loser shit? And if you would rather date the girl, date the girl already. Sheesh.

am sorry about my question. am a little embarrass about asking you this. first of all i read your article in the village voice newspaper. am a married woman and my husband want to have sex with me from behind. but am scared because he has a big package. am scared i will get hurt. i want to make him happy but i don't know what to do. he is always mad at me. can you help me.

Don't have anal sex with someone that is mad at you.

Anal sex requires a lot of preparation and you need to be relaxed and comfortable and be to trust that the person fucking your ass is as concerned with your health and safety and pleasure as he is with his own. Your husband's hostility and selfishness is going to make you feel anything but relaxed or comfortable. If he can't let go of the anger, don't have anal sex with him at all, ever, period. If he can let go of the anger, anonymous married lady, here's how to overcome your fear...

Engage in mutually agreeable anal sex play the first few DOZEN times you explore your butt. This means NO big-package-in-butt penetration for you, no expectation of big-package-in-butt penetration on his part, for the first few DOZEN or so times. Only tongues, fingers, and small toys--SMALL dildos or buttplugs and vibrators--at the start. Have a few dozen orgasms during safe and low-stakes anal explorations and you may start to associate anal play with pleasure, not fear. Then you can work up to full-on anal penetration--which can only be done with LOTS of lube and patience and consideration.

You CAN get hurt having anal sex with an angry, inconsiderate, or impatient partner. If your husband is any or all of those things, anonymous married lady, tell him it's just not going to happen.

I also recommend that you buy these two books:

The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women by Tristan Taormino, and Anal Pleasure & Health by Jack Morin.

And tell your husband that nothing--not tongues, fingers, toes, toys, or dick--is going anywhere near your ass until he reads both these books. (You, of course, should read them too.) You can have anal sex with someone that has a big package--lots of folks do--but you shouldn't do it under duress.

I'd like to pass on my 2 cents worth for NFLOF, the man whose father was being scammed by Russian mail-order brides. After my second son was born my wife didn't even pretend to be interested is sex. What had been a poor sex life turned into a nonexistent sex life. After we divorced, I took your advice and started seeing hookers. I got laid, regained confidence, learned what I wanted in a partner.

I also met some delightful women: smart, funny, horny, bi, into BDSM, lots of stuff I never had the opportunity to explore before. Most aren't crack addicts. Many are well educated. One is an MD finishing her residency in Psychiatry. Another has a PhD in literature. I developed friendships with a few, enjoyed the bodies of the others. You do have to pay, but dating isn't cheap either.

I second your advice to NFLOF: find his dad a good hooker or two or three. The internet has completely changed the profession. You aren't driving around a seedy neighborhood after dark. You can see what she looks like, read a little about her, exchange e-mails first. There are women out there who specifically like to see older guys. Many will meet for a get acquainted cup of coffee before to make sure there's a fit. You can talk, screw, fondle, lick and get licked,caress, cuddle. You have to keep the limitations of the the relationship firmly in mind, but it can be a great way to enjoy a woman with no adverse consequences.

Doing It In Denver

I have nothing to add. Well said, DIID.

I am gay, closeted, and in high school. I'm sure that sounds dire, but I'm out to a lot of my friends and they are the most supportive people someone like me could ever have. My sex life is not really existent (since it is legally, physically, and emotionally unsafe for an underage minor like me to be canoodling anyways), but a couple of questions have been tickling my curiosity. How should I deal with crushes on straight boys? Is it damaging to my psyche in anyway? Should I just reject my feelings and move on? I don't have any gay friends to bounce my ideas off, just very sweet and innocent female best friends that have no experience with this whatsoever.

Teenage Boy in Distress

One or two of the straight boys you have crushes on are probably gay, TBID, they're just not out yet. But there's really nothing you can do about that and, at your age, there probably isn't anything you should do about it, if you could do something about it, which you can't.

All you can do now is enjoy those crushes. But don't conclude, like some dumb gay men have, that early crushes on straight guys means that you're not and never will be attracted to other out gay dudes. You will, I promise you, once you start meeting them. For now, TBID, entertain yourself with whatever mental images you care to conjure up and your own right hand.

When you start meeting out gay dudes, BE SAFE, use condoms if you decide to have anal sex. But don't feel like you're somehow obligated to have sex--anal or otherwise--with ANYONE, ever, period. You don't have to become sexually active to prove that you're authentically gay or grownup. And please don't feel like engaging in anal sex somehow makes you an all-grownup-now gay man. Plenty of grownup gay men don't have anal sex at all or often; many gay men prefer oral sex or mutual masturbation.

And you, as a young gay boy, should avoid older gay men for all the same reasons that young straight girls are advised to avoid older straight men. Don't fall for any "gay and lesbian brothers and sisters" rhetoric you may encounter online or at your first pride parade. Older gay men are not your brothers.

For now focus on school and friends and getting your ass into a good college--preferably a big state school. Once you're there, TBID, I promise that you'll meet tons of nice, smart, out gay boys, and you'll start having crushes on guys that are capable of having crushes on you. Good luck.

Hey Dan,

Since you were instrumental in derailing Rick Santorum by helping name a sex related term after him. I think the time has come for you to do the same for Mike Huckabee. He has now began to publicly compare homosexuality to bestiality. So what do you think? Can you open up a new contest to name a Sex act or term The Huckabee? Thanks,

Dave
Olympia, WA

Every time someone says something idiotic in public--myself included--I get letters from readers angrily demanding that Coulter, Scalia, Cheney, Thomas, myself, et al, come in for the "santorum treatment." This is the first time I can honestly say that I've been tempted.

Shall we?

A judge in Halifax, Nova Scotia, had this to say about a case before his court:

"This could be a letter from Savage Love."

A Halifax man offered to help two women--an aunt and her niece--move the younger woman's belongings into her new apartment. All he asked in exchange was a chance to practice the "reflexology" massage technique he was studying at school.

Once the move was completed, the aunt was first to get the massage.

In her niece's bedroom, boxes still unopened, Fells told her to lie down. The door was closed. Blankets and pillows were piled on her chest, ostensibly to keep her warm. He told her to read out loud to relax, and he handed her her niece's yearbook.

She could not see what the man was doing.

"I'm thinking, 'This is kind of strange,'" the woman testified. [She was told to move her feet back and forth like "windshield wipers.] "Fells told her this was simply a new technique. The woman said she felt something spongy and soft on her feet as she moved them back and forth....

Like her aunt, [the younger woman] was told to lie down as pillows and blankets were pilled on her chest. Like her aunt, she could no longer see the man. The woman said Fells was rubbing "objects" against her feet.

She wanted to believe they were "stress balls." Soon, she would come to think otherwise.

I'm a 25 year old male. I'm a zoophile and always have been. Long time reader (I'm sure you're thrilled), so I know my interests aren't on the GGG approved list. Not trying to argue that point. I'm not an active zoophile, I've never owned a four-legged friend. However it's very clear what turns my head when I walk down the street, and it's never the one holding the leash. The long time use of pretty specific porn is also a pretty good clue. I took a couple long breaks on the porn to see if something else (men, women, houseplants, anything) would fill the void. No luck, imagination would pick up the slack. I know from your column and other sources, once your brain is "wired" a certain way, "rewiring" it is unlikely (i.e. snowball's chance in hell), so this isn't going away. My question is what do I do next?

Currently I don't date, no sexual attraction going on so didn't feel the need to, also sharing this with anyone I attempted to date would probably end in horror, tears, and me needing to move out of state. However, a lifetime without a relationship (two or four legged) seems pretty unappealing. Here are the options I see, got a better one?

1. Keep the status quo.

2. Get a shrink (who I can talk to this about) and a girlfriend or boyfriend (who I can't talk to this about) and in terms of the sex, master giving great head since my dick may not want to join the party.

3. Buy a house with a big yard, and... well, you know.

I don't care if you post this. I'd just like another opinion. I mean honestly, who else would answer this anonymously, for free, and I actually have some faith in their judgment?

Really Unsure For Future

In short... my advice... which is going to get me killed... is... buy that big house, RUFF, the one with a nice, big yard... and do what you gotta do. Inside, shades drawn.

Bestiality is wrong, wrong, wrong, because an animal can not give its consent. But... anyone that's ever actually owned a boy dog knows that most would be only too delighted to... well, you know. I'm assuming that you want to be fucked by dogs, not fuck dogs. Man-on-dog is a lot, uh, wronger than dog-on-man, if I may use a certain former senator's formulation, most importantly for reasons of safety to the animal, so I can't smile on man-on-dog. (Actually, I can't exactly smile on the dog-on-man either.) Take a torn up girl dog to the vet, RUFF, you're going to wind up talking with the police and having to cross a PETA picket line to get back into house--and it'll serve you right.

For the record I'm con bestiality. I think it's wrong, wrong, wrong. But I had pork and beef and chicken at dinner last night--here in Vegas, so all 100% factory-farmed meat, derived from animals that were cruelly tortured every second of their brief and miserable existences--and my particular strain of Tourette's syndrome commands me to say this: If i were an animal, I'd rather be screwed than stewed. We murder animals for their flesh, skins, fur, and just for the fuck of it. Those of us that eat meat, wear fur, run around in leather pants, jackets, shoes, restraints, etc., and kill animals for sport don't have a lot of moral authority when it comes time to lecture those of you that just wanna smooch the pooch.

Finally, RUFF, build a nice, high fence around that yard, okay?

I'm a straight guy going to a West Coast university. Although I enjoy vanilla sex, I really get off on the fantasy of women submitting (not forcing them), and it's all made that much kinkier by the fact that the less they (hypothetically) enjoy it the more it turns me on. If you still need clarification, the Bloodhound Gang has a song called 'A Lap Dance is So Much Better When the Stripper is Crying.'

Here's why I'm writing: this kink is a really major part of my sexuality, and has been, no lie, since kindergarten. But I'm a decent guy, I'm not a misogynist, and I would never do any of this in real life, because it would involve nonconsensual sex and that's just not cool. But it's something I can't exactly be open about, if only because the local women's group would burn down my house. I've only ever told two people, close friends who won't blab; one didn't get it, and the other thinks I'm going to turn into a rapist. I think you've got a better chance of understanding, and it would be good to hear someone say "Yeah, keep it in your head but there's nothing wrong with it," because I've never gotten that from anyone. Plus, any sex tips you've got lying around for a sadist getting it done with a more vanilla partner would come in handy.

Sadist Assuaging Distressing Intolerable Solitary Time

Why keep it in your head? There are plenty of kinky, masochistic women out there and one of the tired-and-true tricks of the BDSM trade--and a major turn-on for tons of BDSM players--is the bottom being "forced" (but willingly enduring) something he or she doesn't enjoy in order to earn something he or she does enjoy. Those sadistic trade offs-- "Drink my piss, which i know you hate, and i'll let you suck me off, which i know you love"--spin the cranks of submissive men and women everywhere.

So not to worry, SADIST. There's a girl out there for you. Of course, you can't engage in any kinky or extreme sex acts--in any sex acts, period, however vanilla--without first obtaining someone's consent. But you can, as many kinky folks do, engage in consensual role-play scenarios where you pretend there's no consent. The sex you're having can look, sound, and feel like rape but--poof!--it's not rape if both parties consented and are getting off. Consent is the magic ingredient.

So there's nothing wrong with your kinks, and harboring them doesn't make you a bad dude. And, again, there's no reason to keep 'em in your head. Find a girl that shares 'em, talk it all through, establish boundaries and safe words, and then... well, do what turns you both on.

I have been dating my girlfriend for six months and we are very passionate with each other, making love at least twice a day and very much in love. My girlfriend's best friend is a gay male whom she dated in high school before he came out of the closet. My girlfriend and I were talking about taking a vacation this year and she told me that she can't go on a vacation with me because she is going to Italy for 2 weeks with him. Is this screwed up or am I freaking out about nothing? I mean she is going away for 2 weeks with her ex-boyfriend who now just happens to be gay?!?

JJ

At six months, JJ, you don't have the seniority to make demands on your girlfriend where travel companions are concerned. And he's GAY, you idiot. They dated in HIGH SCHOOL. He is, for all intents and purposes, her GIRLFRIEND now--he probably always was. As he's just a friend, JJ, why shouldn't she travel with him? What are you afraid of? That he's going to give her a pedicure over there?

If you can't be chill about this you're going to sabotage this relationship. She either made these plans before you met or before you became serious. At a year and six months--maybe--you would have a right to be aggrieved if she was running off for two weeks with a friend, preventing you two from getting away together. But at this point you've got nothing to bitch about. You can say, "Man, I wish i was going with you--I can't wait until we can travel together and fuck our way across Europe." And, if you must, you can add, "I know it's COMPLETELY IRRATIONAL, but i'm a little jealous and threatened. Tell me again how completely and thoroughly and screamingly gay your ex is, please." Say it with a smile so she'll laugh, then you fake a laugh, and then take them BOTH out to dinner, give them a travel guide, and tell them to have fun over there.

Who knows? if you play your cards right, Jay, you might get invited along. if you act like a jealous, irrational douchebag, you'll definitely get your ass dumped.

My boyfriend of a year and I broke up a month ago. We had fun, had amazing sex, met each other's families, hung out all the time (maybe too much), moved to a new city (though did not move in together). Towards the end I realized what different ideas we had about our relationship. I was, and still am quite in love with him but he claims to have never said "I love you" to anyone and won't say it to me. It's almost nihilistic. He really doesn't communicate anything about how he feels about me. He rarely tells me I'm beautiful, he thinks that just by us having sex implies that. It's so infuriating, and really fucks with my head, putting ideas of jealousy and betrayal in the mix.

I got so fed up, I called it off, which is what he wanted all along but was too weak to do. But since we broke up we've been hanging out with mutual friends and about once a week having mind-blowing sex. Now he's talking about the merits of non monogamous relationships, and of course vaguely implying that's what he wants to do. It could be fine, I wouldn't mind having sex with other people but I really need him to say he loves me. Is that ridiculous?

Chicken Ass Boyfriend

Yes, CAB, it is. Or I should say, "Yes, CAB, you are." Your boyfriend is an asshole and he's playing you--he enjoys the emotional torment he's inflicting on you. DTMFA--again, and mean it this time. No more sex with this particular ex.

I'm a 20 yo guy and have been dating the most incredible lady I've ever know. She's 28, beautiful, and we have an incredible sex life. I love her and she loves me. The problem: She also loves another man and essentially he and I share her. I don't know him except that he is older than her and they too have a great sex life. This has been going on since we started dating and she's been very upfront about it from the start; she doesn't want to be in a position to choose one over the other. Obviously this is a real painful situation for me, but I care so much for her that I don't ever want to be without her.

Recently a few things happened that have really got me. First, she had come over the other night to have sex with me; when she got on top of my face, it was so obvious that she had been carrying the other man's load in her. Secondly, I got so upset about that that we got into an argument and then found out that not only was his load in her, but another guys! Apparently, her other lover and her had been having 3-somes with a guy friend of his and this had been going quite regulary. This really bothered me and I'm not sure what to do at this point. I don't want to lose her. Any help would be appreciated.

Pussy Whipped

Your girlfriend doesn't want to be with one man, PW, and, what's more, she gets off on rubbing the noses of the men she is with in the reality--using the best evidence available to her--that they have to share her. It's a power trip for her. Now there are guys out there that would love nothing more than to be in your place--to be with a woman that wants them to, oh, eat other men's come out of her pussy. You're not one of those guys, clearly.

Which means, PW, that you will have to break up with her. Unless, of course, she's so incredible that you can find some way to tap into and enjoy your submissive, boy-toy, cuckold status. If you can't do that, again, you'll have to break up with her.

I didn't think much of your response to LIMP, Dan. He may not be the most likable guy, but he obviously has a serious anxiety problem--one that is keeping him up at night and is ruining his relationship. He needs to work through and challenge the thoughts that are causing him so much trouble. He needs to stop cross-examining his girlfriend who "let it slip" that she was once with a bigger man. I doubt that ridiculing LIMP and telling him to stop obsessing is going to be helpful. It's a good thing you're not a suicide hotline counsellor ("Oh my god! Shut up, just shut up! It's all "me, me, me" with you people!").

M.K.

Yes, M.K., it's a very good thing I'm not a suicide hotline counselor--because then people would get me on the phone without knowing what they were in for. But someone that writes to me via my advice column, M.K., reads my advice column. I'm not stealing and answering Abigail Van Buren's mail here.

Please disregard my previous e-mail. As of the new year, my girlfriend is no longer a virgin.

My new boyfriend and I just spent a romantic Friday making love and performing all kinds of love acts. However, about 10 hours after our fabulous day of lovemaking, he developed a rash. He has asked me in a very kind way, whether I thought I had any skin issues or VDs, but as far as I know I'm disease-free. I haven't even slept with anyone in at least 7 months. This looks a bit to me like a moisture-related folliculitis issue to me. Do you have any ideas? This could put a huge damper on this fabulous new relationship I'm in and I'm very worried that he may have trust issues after this if I'm to blame. Please help!

Back East

BE here was kind enough to enclose a photograph of her boyfriend's rash for me--it's right up there at the top of the post. That picture? Did you notice it? Scroll back up, if you missed it, and take another look. Or click here for a bigger version. I'll wait.

Back?

Okay, a lot of people think my sex-advice gig is an easy-peasy stroll in through a park full of pervs. But there are risks, people, occupational hazards. I can't tell you how many times I've been innocently reading through the ol' email and--bam!--up pops a picture like the one above. I opened this email from Back East--click here for a hi-rez version of the photo she enclosed!--while I was eating my lunch. I nearly choked to death on my spring roll. I should be getting combat pay here.

Most people that send me pictures of the sores on their cocks, labia, sacks, and assholes me they're "too embarrassed" to see a doctor, but they're not too embarrassed to take a picture and email it to me. Since I'm not a doctor, and can't proscribe anti-crotch-rot-otics through the column, the folks that send me pictures like this still have to go to the doctor. By writing me they've just delayed an inevitable doctor's visit and, in most cases, allowed symptoms to worsen.

But I don't think Back East's boyfriend has an STI. There are no STIs that I'm aware of with a 10 hour exposure-to-breakout turnaround time. And those don't look like any syphilis sores or scabies' bites or anything else I've ever seen on YouTube. What it looks like is a weird allergic reaction, as Back East suggests. But if Back East's boyfriend is concerned--and wouldn't you be if this happened to you?--he should GO SEE A DOCTOR, not send pictures like this one to me.