Comments on Savage Love Letter of the Day

It's all the chodes that turn the Seattle chicks off oral-duty

Must be all the choads in Seattle, right? They're out of practice.

And what does she mean by 30 minutes? Are you supposed to be able to have intercourse for 30 minutes straight? That seems like a lot. I mean obviously, the whole experience should last much longer than that, but as for the goin'-at-it part . . . really?

In truth, Seattle sucks. But not that much.

In truth, Seattle doesn't suck as much as some people think it does.

Ignore @3, pick on @4.

@2 yeah, and as a woman--ouch! i would not want to have sex (i.e. intercourse) for more than 30 minutes either!

I'd like to get ECB's opinion of this.

who fucks for 30 minutes? With oral and foreplay, yeah. But straight up fucking for 30 minutes? Get out of here.

I think I know this anonymous woman from "the Bronx" New York who recently moved here.

And yes. She does give great head.

Why are so many New Yorkers so god-damned insufferable?

Everybody thinks they're good in bed. Ask their lovers if you really want to know.

"Has never had any complaints?" Seriously? How many guys sit up in the middle/right after and go," Ugh, yeah, you're kinda sucking, but keep going anyway!"

I think I know someone whose date calendar is about to fill up.

If her letter is any indication, the only way this woman shuts the fuck up is when she's giving head.

According to surveyed sex therapists, around seven minutes of intercourse is optimal.

http://www.alternet.org/sex/82482/

So she can stick that in her hat and call it macaroni.

There is never a bad movie that is too short or a good movie that is too long. The same goes for sex.

@14: hahahahahahahaha

In general: This letter seems like bullshit. I know plenty of girls who like to give head, that is not something unique to the East Coast. I've also known guys who can last longer than 30 minutes, though why would the actual intercourse need to last longer than that for it to be good? Really, isn't it better if he can get the job done sooner?

I always knew the day would come when a New Yorker would claim they invented blowjobs.

Not to take the discussion off of blow jobs, but I have lived in a lot of cities in this country, and I have never lived anywhere where I knew so many people who were not getting laid. It's true that I know a ton of losers here but a lot of them are cute losers and if they lived anywhere else they would be getting laid. It boggles my mind.

I am so sick of this "Seattle people are mean, unfriendly, judgmental assholes" meme that so many recent transplants keep spouting, the opening of this letter being one such variation.

You know what? It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. Do you know what every person that tells me "All Seattleites are (fill in the blank)" has in common? They themselves are also inevitably (fill in the blank). Based on the tone of her letter, this woman is no exception. She assumes we're all sexually frustrated, and so it's no surprise that she herself is sexually frustrated.

Letter Paraphrased:

Dear widely-acknowledged sex expert,

Would you please explain (publicly, in print) why I'm so much better at sex than everyone else?

I guess, growing up in on the New York half of the CT shoreline, and not stuck in hick/hippie Oregon town. I'll give Seattle credit for being WAY better Oregon.

That said, I've found most Pacific Northwest women to be rather passionless, like they are perpetually on X-a-n-a-x or something. If I meet a woman who wanted to Fuck me back east ... I WOULD KNOW SHE WANTED TO FUCK ME.
If I meet a plausable woman who wants to date me around here, I get this lazy eye I can't figure out until years after the fact.

Advice on blowjobs, when you give a blow job WANT TO GIVE A BLOW JOB. There is nothing more gross than getting an unenthusiastic blow job out of obligation or that if she doesn't give me a blow job, then someone else will. It's gross and icky.

I don't know why people can't let their enthusiasm for sex and perhaps even liven up their relationships. But it's boring, warped and frustrating as all hell.

And maybe I perceive it wrong too, but girls come across as repressed around here.

@14 thanks for the lol with a snort.

aren't all guys different how they like head? at least all the ones I've blown like different things.
never just one way of doin it.
trial and error, Q&A with him and any gal can get it just right. I bet guys will put up with having to go thru all that training.

Her problem is, most people in Seattle know better than to date New Yorkers.

Before I drop it ...
Sometimes I meet people around here who look at sex and relationships like it's an intelectual persuit. "I read lots of books about sex, so it must be good." and then go on to rationalize a sexual partner, justify that its a meaningful "serious" relationship, "schedual an organized sexual activity"
And have a set playlist for all their love making activities.

They spend all this time fighting for sexual rights ... and that's a good thing ... yet they never have SEX. And to me, and maybe I'm alone here, sex is 1 part libido, 1 part skill, and 7 parts heart (love or hate). And to have good sex, you have to have heart for something.

speaking as an east coaster who has also lived in socal, i have noticed that guys in seattle tend to ask permission before initiating kissing/foreplay/sex a lot more than guys who live elsewhere. i think it's because they are trying to respect women but it comes off as them being timid or unsure. people on the east coast are more direct (which people who aren't from the east coast interpret as being rude or cocky).

I've lived in New York, Chicago, L.A. and now Seattle. Everybody fucks and dates the exact same way. No one fucks as well as they think they do, or as often as they'd like. Dating is fraught with peril and head games.

You'd think by 39 this chick would have figured this out, but apparently she was too busy sucking cock and getting divorced.

I don't see this letter as being about blow jobs, actually. The author seems mostly frustrated by a social scene she perceives as insecure / reserved / cold. She limits her observations to heterosexual singles.

As a native, I agree that people seem wound tighter here than elsewhere. Many people seem to enjoy this aspect of Seattle. They tolerate overcast of the spirit as they tolerate overcast of the sky. The only solution to either problem is to leave.

I am sexually frustrated. But it's my own fault because I don't know how to ask for it. Am I supposed to go up to a guy and say "Hey, do you want a blow job?"

My last sexual encounter I offered to umm, make him happy and the guy said "No, I'm fine, how about we snuggle?" What the fuck?? Snuggle??

It's the accent. No one likes a Bronx accent. I can hear it in my head when I read her letter. I wish she would leave so as not to subject any natives to that terrible sound in real life.

I'm with @14. Would somebody please stick their dick in her mouth and shut her the fuck up already?

Gawd.
Everyone always thinks where they live has less or more boring or not enough SEX.

It's the same everywhere, people.

If you are getting some, things are fine. And if you aren't getting some, "THIS PLACE IS LAME"

I'm always amazed by how many people are amazed that intercourse can last more than a few minutes. Yes, some guys can go for lots longer (I had a lover once who lasted four hours); some of them are good enough to make it enjoyable for that long, and some of them are not (the above-mentioned fellow was, alas, in the latter category). With a little care and attention, there doesn't need to be any discomfort associated with that, and some of us like a guy who lasts longer. For me, it's not ever a matter of "getting the job done." I can keep coming as long as I get enough stimulation, and you know, somehow, that just keeps being pleasant, at least until I'm too tired. Personally, half an hour is the minimum I expect intercourse to last in most situations.

the best lovers don't need to fucking brag about it.

#20. Whether you want to admit it or not, Seattleites are, on average, colder, more passive-aggressive and far more flaky than people are in a lot of areas in the country. I've even had friends who were transplants become more and more like that the longer they've stayed here. I've never lived in a city where merely saying "hi" to someone on the bus will result in their moving to another seat or frowning at you. It's not just me; almost everyone I know complains about this behavior and then go on to exhibit it themselves.

As for the sex thing, there does seem to be a little less heat in this town, at least among the heteros. I have trouble even imagining some Seattleites having sex.

@21 FTW.

And to echo everyone else: here's how to give a good blowjob: enjoy giving head, and don't do it like porn stars. They give head for the camera, not for the reciever.

If she’s not asking about bj’s and is talking about the cold dating scene then she’s doing what too many people do. .. making it heavier then it needs to be.
Folks need to relax and have a nice time. It’s a date, you don’t have to think about a lifetime with this person. Simply have fun on this date here and now this one time. If you had a fun time or were intrigued ask for a second date. . .if it goes further great, if not - next!
Dating in this town is easy as hell if you go about it like you are socializing and having fun – not looking at it by Tom’s 101 rules. People kill me with this tired ol’ what’s wrong with this town? I’ve heard it for years and it’s bogus! I’d say what’s wrong with you?
I ain't bragging - for real I am not. . .but I know it’s easy cuz I did it, lived it and had a freaking blast. before I got married my friends called me the dating machine.
I was like a kid in a candy store in this town . . .or any side of it. If you are too chicken to go out and talk to people then post an honest ad on a date site.
I actually had a gal pal divorce her husband of 15 years and she's come to me for training in dating and she’s not spending much time at home or alone at all.
Seriously. . .I had a date every night of the week and two Sat and Sun – lunch and dinner. I was never home and never had food in my cupboards. My home was a place I stopped to shower and change. I didn’t go out with any and everything – I wasn’t as picky as most people are and gave almost anyone a chance – within reason mind you - I am not scum or a desperate hag. I was selective in what I like and what I like to see in a person.
Women just have to quit with the old fashioned ideers of ‘sit and look pretty” and prince charming will sweep you off your feet. I mean girls.. .really. . .how many times have you been out with some friends and you see some guy checking you and checking you all night but he never comes over. I bet if you went over and said how’s it goin’ you’d be into a conversation. Just go for it and not take any offense if you strike out once in a while. I rarely did so don't believe many women would either.
And so what of it if I got stood up? there usually was some other guy around checking me out who’d eventually come ask “why you here by yourself”. telling them you were there to meet a date and must of got stood up – TA DA new date instantly. he couldn’t step in and buy me a drink or that dinner fast enuf!

No offense to the men around here, I love em' and feel for the poor things but seriously the guys around here have lots of fears and misconceptions – plus many of them have been shot down by the cold scared women and they are gun shy. Not all but a huge lot of them. I can’t tell you how many times they pretty much told me so – how they couldn’t believe I’d go out with them or that I approached them.
It might have something to do with so many people moving here from somewhere, being strangers and everyone is a stranger to them. I say if you move to a new town you have to take the extra steps to make new friends not sit back and wait for the new town to roll out the welcome mat.
The energy you put out is the energy that will come back to you.

@35: I couldn't disagree more. Flakes are universal in the world. Seattle just has a much more friendly default exterior which often is over-interpreted by people who grew up in more honest and/or less polite cultures, and hence is interpreted as "The Seattle Freeze"... which, as someone aptly pointed out above, says more about the complainer than the complainees.

If you're *comfortable with yourself and happily single* and looking to date, you will fare better -- and yes, get laid more -- in ANY city, period.

And it bears repeating:

Capitol Hill is NOT Seattle. Capitol Hill is its own world. (in case I get a "..but I was walking on Broadway and..." type of retort.)

"...but I never have had one complaint..."

Blowjobs are like beer: The worst one I ever had was still pretty damn great.

Seattle women are passionless???

Thats news to me... Most of my friends are SUPER horny and SUPER kinky and I can't think of one girl I know who doesn't love giving head...

I have a feeling this chick is full of shit... Cuz I've had no trouble finding passionate, dirty boys who go all night... But if she is right I guess it explains why I never have a shortage of men... And women... blowing up my phone...

Just in case what she says is true, I'd like to say a giant thanks to all you Seattle prudes... Keep sending them hot dirty boys my way... They will be welcomed with... Ummm... An open mouth... And open legs :)

I'm from Seattle and I know I'm TERRIBLE in bed. So is everyone I know. Geography has everything to do with this. In sum, no one who likes to have sex should move here.

@29 - that works for me.

@29 - Alarmingly simple, no?

@19 Exactly! Seattle is fundamentally a very strange, provincial, and isolated place - still. And due to population growth, its minuses are rapidly overwhelming its pluses.

@33:

Amen, sister. 30 minutes is a minimum. Not every time, but he's gotta have the capability. Otherwise, I'd rather be with a chick. Honestly.

And I would agree that the key to giving good head is to enjoy it. Well, that, and the universal good-lover rule: pay attention. Listen. Read body language. It's not that difficult.

As far as Seattle being cold and passionless and passive-aggressive, I basically think that's right. I'm a native, and I hardly have any friends in this city. They all live in California, Minnesota, New York. . .pretty much anywhere but here. Probably because I'm allergic to passive-aggressive people. Hate that shit.

@46 @41

TRYING to find a job in at least Seattle, otherwise I'm out of the PAcific Northwest.

Passive-aggressive? I'm not seeing ANY aggression. I always feel like with respect to my peers, my friends, my playmates, I'm always holding back. I seem to use the Slog to let it out.

Passive aggression is fine ... it's at least some aggression.

30+ minutes? Of penetration?!? I would say more about this... but Inga would kill me. Suffice to say I am skeptical.

I'm in the "WTF, 30 minutes?" camp here. Certainly, the whole experience should usually last at least 30 mins, but if we're having actual penetration for more than 20, it probably means it's not doing it for me.

I'm not amazed that it can take longer, but, for me, I prefer it to be 10-20 mins.

30 minutes of actual penetration doesn't seem unreasonable to me. As an expectation for every time, yeah, it's a little crazy, but wanting a marathon from time to time is understandable. With regular reapplications of lube, one or two hours makes this multiple-orgasmer verrrrry happy.

BBQ?

30 minutes? How are these ladies getting anything done? Are they limiting sex to once a month just to keep up with housework?

I'm all for a sexual marathon every once in a while, long weekends, vacations, bithdays and the like. But spending half an hour on intercourse alone adds up to a ton of time when you're gettin' it regular-like. I have other stuff to do! I have to get up for work in the morning! The checkbook needs balancing, the dog needs a bath and I have a casserole in the oven!

Please, gentlemen, don't think that this means that every lady wants a marathon man. Just try to be observant/considerate - And if she's drying up, checking her watch, nodding off or scratching items out of her dayplanner, for God's sake finish it up!

Maybe little miss bronxie blowjob is just doing a little too much too soon for her west coast guys to take and that's why she can't get more than a half hour of loving. Remember bronxie - west coast people live at a slower pace than east coasters. It's like a cultural thing or something, and yeah, after ten years it still pisses me off now and then. But you're gonna have to learn to slow down and enjoy that. Do yourself a favor and spread out the advanced techniques a bit - it'll help train your men to be what you want them to be. Relationships are work that way, but it is possible to help someone become a better lover for you, and for the future.

Make the future a better place. Or shut up.

If those don't work, well you can always go back east. You wouldn't be the first.

Friggin New Yorkers. Probably a Yankees fan too.

@53 ... all of my greatest lovers have one of two things.

They all have intimacy issues, which is great because we can build a relationship togethor and not have one person hem and haw at the other to commit ... You can date, and learn from each other and develop a real love as opposed to the wet blanket security love.

They all moved back to at least Seattle if not the East coast.