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Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Savage Love Letter of the Day

posted by on February 5 at 11:55 AM

I’m a gay, recently out, 20 year-old male living in a large midwestern city. My problem is that I dont have any gay men to help me through this time and I was wondering what to do about my situation. I have always been overweight—not obese, but definately a fat ass. I am dowdy and not confident, I find myself growing cold and resentful from a lack of intimacy. I hate men because of my friends’ stupid boyfriends and the coolness I recieve from other gay men. I am not a total loser: I have lots of friends but I just dont have the balls to put myself out on the market in my current physical and emotional state. Will I ever find love? Or do i have to wait until I get myself to physical and emotional perfection before I can find my prince charming? And I definately want a hunk—I’m not settling for any 2nd best shit.

Is this achieveable?

Dude Undergoing Many Personal Yearnings

So you won’t settle for a guy… that looks like you? Someone that isn’t perfect? But you you expect hunks to settle for a guy that looks like you? And if they won’t—if hunks are cold to you, if they treat you the way you treat guys that look like you—that proves that other gay men are hateful?

I sound harsh, I realize, but you need to be pulled up sharp, DUMPY. If you demand perfection, you better strive to offer it. I’m not saying that you won’t find intimacy or a boyfriend until after you’re a perfect specimen of man—very few of us are perfect, and yet most of us manage to find love or something similar—but you’re not ever going to find a guy if you’re bitter at age 20.

Here’s what you need to do, DUMPY: Think about what you want, and how you’re goin to get it—and tell yourself, again and again, that you’re not going to get the life you want instantly, it’s not going to come tomorrow, but soon. Soonish. Then JOIN A DAMN GYM and, if you can afford it, hire a trainer and a get a consultation with a nutritionist. You don’t have to be a fat ass all your life—unless, of course, you’re happy fat, and you’re happy to date guys that are attracted to/not repulsed by bigger dudes. They exist.

But they’re rarely the 1st Class Hunks you’re lusting after, DUMPY.

RSS icon Comments

1

There are a lot of straight people, male and fdmale, who should be listening to that advice as well.

Posted by Fifty-Two-Eighty | February 5, 2008 12:02 PM
2

Dan, I think someone's pulling your leg. There's just no way anyone could be so tone deaf to the irony of saying "I definately [sic] want a hunk" after explaining what a schlub he himself is.

Posted by Seattle Mike | February 5, 2008 12:04 PM
3

You tell 'em Dan!

Posted by Amelia | February 5, 2008 12:04 PM
4

Oh, Seattle Mike. I get emails like that all the time -- "I won't settle! And everyone else sucks because no one will settle for me!"

Posted by Dan Savage | February 5, 2008 12:07 PM
5

As Dan concedes, there ARE in fact a good number of really nice guys who are attracted to a guy with a bit of fat (or a LOT of fat, as the case may be).

There's nothing dysfunctional about that and if you can be comfortable with your body the way it is, check out one of the several websites that provide way for husky guys to meet guys that love them that way. One is www.biggercity.com , but there are MySpace groups and other websites that you'll find offer the same opportunity.

And if you want to diet and exercise more to build some confidence, then you should give that a try too.

Good Luck.

A big guy who found love.

Posted by BC | February 5, 2008 12:08 PM
6

I always wondered: is there a gay male equivalent for the straight male "chubby chaser"? Forgive me for my ignorance - all of my gay friends (the younger ones at least) are super-skinny, and so are their boyfriends.

Posted by Hernandez | February 5, 2008 12:09 PM
7

Many Gay men, 20 thru 30 thru 40 thru 50 seem to behave the same way. Ever notice those adds, "seeking younger..." from a guy that is "older" and most likely way soft and round and smoochy? Yeah, they need a reality check don't they? Honest to Pete men, bring to the table what you expect out of Prince Charming. It's NOT all about you.

Posted by Sargon Bighorn | February 5, 2008 12:10 PM
8

Excellent reply, Dan.

Posted by Sachi Wilson | February 5, 2008 12:13 PM
9

@5 - Ah, you must have posted that while I was typing my comment. Thanks for answering my question!

Posted by Hernandez | February 5, 2008 12:13 PM
10

It's not settling. It's accepting that people aren't perfect. IMO anytime someone thinks at the beginning of a relationship that they're "setting" for someone it's doomed to failure.

Compromise on the other hand is another issue. Will he compromise going to the gym, or looking at guys that want someone with a rotund rear? Will he compromise because even though Bob might have a large mole on his cheek, he's the best thing since sliced bread when it comes to conversation and in the sack.

Fagdom pisses me off constantly because of the media driven perfection lobbed at our youth. Should someone that's overweight get into the shape? Of course. But not because it increases their dating pool. It should be done so they live the healthiest life they can.

And for those of you that know me, I too am a porker in an LTR. Somehow, to somebody I wasn't that repulsive.

Posted by Dave Coffman | February 5, 2008 12:15 PM
11

@2 - I see this attitude in straight guys all the time. Some average looking schlub only wants a super-model girlfriend and won't look twice at an average girl. And then cries in his beer about how the stuckup beauties won't look twice at him. Although come to think of it that's mostly been the 20-somethings who act like that. Maybe it's a young guy thing?

Posted by Winna | February 5, 2008 12:17 PM
12

I'm a girl and I'm a little chubby, but I recently figured this out: If I want to fuck guys that are uncontrollably hot, I need to also be uncontrollably hot. So I joined up with a yoga class, I go almost every day, and I started dressing a lot nicer.

I realized that this wasn't me falling into some sort of anti-feminist trap--it was just equality. No biggie.

It's working. I haven't even lost all the weight I want to and I'm already turning the heads I want to be turning. It's just called putting a little effort in, and those super-hotties you want to fuck? Guess what: They go to the gym, too.

Posted by almost former fattie | February 5, 2008 12:17 PM
13

I would take a chubby guy that was fun, caring and accepting over a bitter & judgemental guy with a hot body any day. Except for maybe a quickie where he didn't talk. :)

I'm not sure joining the gym will fix him.

But thanfully, there are men out there that are hot, caring & fun and accepting.

Posted by DJSauvage | February 5, 2008 12:21 PM
14

This dude needs bitch slapped. As a gay man with a couple extra pounds, I can sympathize with his frustration, but that shit about only wanting a hunk makes me want to go all water boardy on his ass. Many of us in the "not fit, but not a total lardass" category, (which despite the efforts of the gay media, would be the majority of gay men) would like a hunk, or at least someone relatively hunkish, but are frequently attracted to men of our own kind. But a lot of these asses, are of the DUMPY ilk; "ew, I won't DATE you; you look like ME!" And since they're too lazy and stupid to improve themselves to attract the men they exclusively desire, they either sit at home and pout like this putz, or they stand around in bars, and cop an attitude because they're too good for the riff-raff and not good enough for the gym rats.

and STOP referring to yourself as "A gay"...i fucking hate that.

Posted by michael strangeways | February 5, 2008 12:23 PM
15

I don't agree with this advice at all. I urge this fellow to eat absolutely nothing but Jack in the Box tacos (at least 25 a day), and tighten up his own requirements. Don't settle for mere perfection!

Posted by Fnarf | February 5, 2008 12:24 PM
16

good advice, dan. personally, i love going to the gym. it's a great break from the mentally taxing days of school i have. so yeah, if you want a guy with a rocking body, you need to work on having a rocking body as well. i'm always amazed at the older, overweight guys who try to get with me. i suppose there are younger, fit guys who are into that, but there can't be that many...

Posted by konstantConsumer | February 5, 2008 12:30 PM
17

"I find myself growing cold and resentful from a lack of intimacy."

"I hate men."

"Or do i have to wait until I get myself to physical and emotional perfection before I can find my prince charming?"

Yes. Nobody wants to date a huge whiny bitch.

Seriously, I'm with #2. This person is so completely self-deluded that it can't be real. I'm dowdy! I'm resentful! I hate other gay men and all my friends' boyfriends are stupid! Holy crap.

Posted by Gloria | February 5, 2008 12:38 PM
18

I agree, and I don't think you're being excessively harsh. I have a straight friend a bit older than this (late 20s) with little dating experience and a great more weight to lose than this guy that finally came to the conclusion you're getting at, and he's been hitting the gym and dieting. I'm a little worried his standards might be a tad unrealistic (both for his future self and potential mates), but if nothing else he's been able to cut his blood pressure medication dose in half.

Posted by Beguine | February 5, 2008 12:38 PM
19

The best piece of advice my mom ever gave me was "Never date a boy who's prettier than you." Of course, this implies other problems with boys who are "pretty" (e.g. vain, high-maintenance), but I feel like it can be applied more broadly in a "Don't date someone who's more attractive than you" sense. Short-term, sure, but I've seen very few successful long-term relationships where one party was significantly more attractive than the other.

Posted by Aislinn | February 5, 2008 12:43 PM
20

DUMPY's deviant lifestyle is an affront to G-d!

But if the sodomite insists on continuing his evil ways, I would advise him that Dan's advice is basically correct, but also that he might be depressed and may need to get help for that; medical or otherwise.

So speaketh The Lord!

Posted by James Dobson | February 5, 2008 12:47 PM
21

So - I was a skinny twink (when it was really unpopular), got into a relationship, got fat, got dumped, so I started doing marathons a few years back and lost 30 pounds and have been nearing 10% body fat. My satisfaction? Seeing my ex's blimp out while I can fit into my former skinny jeans. Also - better health habits and improved stamina/energy. Downside? Body issues, manorexia and angst when I don't go 6 times to the gym in a week. Also - making a transformation from fat to fit is great, but it won't exactly score you a small army of hunks. If anything, you keep raising your standards and keep getting rejected by the ones who are better looking/have amazing bodies/are usually more superficial. But - I go back to the marathons because it's the one goal I work toward. Inevitably, you can't make your fitness goals centered around finding a mate. It just doesn't work. Vanity is an incentive, but it shouldn't be the incentive.

Posted by yerbamatty | February 5, 2008 12:55 PM
22

Nobody wants to date a huge whiny bitch

unless you're into that sorta thing.

Also, @ 6: Yes there is. These people are called "Gay chubby chasers."

Posted by Mike in MO | February 5, 2008 12:56 PM
23

There is hope for him if he has other redeeming qualities. I was a chunky average looking (pale, pimples, glasses, man-boobs) in high school/college, but my girlfriend (and future wife) was smoking hot. I mean, she was model material.

I guess being one of the few smart kids in a small middle-America town did it. I still don't understand what she saw in me. So, there is hope. But you need some other redeeming qualities (intellect, sense of humor) if you are a chubby bunny.

Posted by Medina | February 5, 2008 1:09 PM
24

As a chubby gay dude in his mid-thirties, I have a certain, limited empathy for this guy.

I spent most of my youth pudgy, closeted, worried, and alone. I can relate.

And then I got over my shit, and started going to the gym, and eating better, and dating a lot. I mean A LOT. I wasn't a slut--I was just popular. I know all about popular.

And the thing is - the best, most sage advice I ever got was "BE the thing you WANT". You want to date a cute, not-body-obsessed, smart, funny, guy with a stable job, and relatively few emotional issues? BE THAT GUY.

And now? Well, I hate to gloat, but I'm dating a guy I think is fucking amazing, who thinks I'm fucking amazing, and things are good.

Posted by el ganador | February 5, 2008 1:13 PM
25

"There's nothing worse than a dumb narcissist"- comment made experienced clinician regarding the relative difficulties of various difficult psychotherapy clients

Posted by LMSW | February 5, 2008 1:15 PM
26

"But they’re rarely the 1st Class Hunks you’re lusting after, DUMPY."

I agree with this - but the key word is "rarely".

See, I've come to learn that there really is someone out there for everyone. Absolutely every freak niche fetish has a devotee.

So I'd guarantee DUMPY that there is at least one hot hunk out there who would worship his whiny fat ass. But I cannot guarantee that DUMPY will ever find him. Especially in a Midwestern city.

To quote _LA Story_: "There's someone out there for everyone; it just that sometimes you need a roadmap, a pickaxe, and night-vision goggles to find them."

Posted by el ganador | February 5, 2008 1:21 PM
27

There's an old cartoon that women used to pass around surreptitiously which is quite germane to this topic:

http://www.afunworld.com/gender-pictures/picture-61.htm

Posted by Geni | February 5, 2008 1:26 PM
28

In my twenties, many told me I was the best looking man in Seattle. Lean, tall, blue eyed, great build from hard work, complete with an ass deemed perfect. When I dressed for the chase, very tight pants, I was followed down the street.

So, I had my pick. And what I alway looked for was personality, intellect, sexual chemistry and NEVER just looks.

Get your personality out there, firm up a bit, dress better - and GO for it.
The number of horny males is vast, a unending supply, have fun for ten years and then settle down a bit and look for a partner.

Best.

Posted by Leyland | February 5, 2008 1:26 PM
29

There's an old cartoon that women used to pass around surreptitiously which is quite germane to this topic:

http://www.afunworld.com/gender-pictures/picture-61.htm

Posted by Geni | February 5, 2008 1:26 PM
30

After I went from fat to thin I had to fight off the dudes. You're skinny, your stock goes way up. Harsh but true.

Posted by Cherry Ford | February 5, 2008 1:27 PM
31

Um, oops. Sorry about the echo.

Posted by Geni | February 5, 2008 1:28 PM
32

What a puss.

This isn't a young cry-baby gay boy problem. This is an adult relationship problem.

Posted by *gong* | February 5, 2008 1:37 PM
33

Hey, he only has to get skinny enough to land a man. Then he can chunk back up like everyone else.

Posted by Gitai | February 5, 2008 2:27 PM
34

@12: Maybe it's just you?

I'm overweight (technically obese, but I don't look ready for the muumuu just yet), but my husband is extremely hot (tall, Asian, lean-muscled, pretty pretty boy). Why? Cause he values boobies, intellect, wit, and common sense over everything else. Because he was raised in a culture where all the women are zaftig, and he thinks that's attractive. I've been overweight my whole life, and have never had a dearth of hot guys.

I think it can have a lot more to do with confidence and charisma than purely physical factors.

Posted by Kat | February 5, 2008 2:28 PM
35

Zappa said it best: "Who wants to ride on an ironing board? It ain't no fun, I tried me one."

Posted by AMB | February 5, 2008 2:35 PM
36

He should join a gym and get buffed. It's shallow but it will get him a lot more men interested in him. When I did that it changed my life.

Posted by Johnna | February 5, 2008 3:26 PM
37

Self confidence would probably do the sad sack even more good than a treadmill.

I know plenty of moderately attractive fatties who feel good about themselves that get laid twice as much as my friends who are hot and skinny but exude self doubt and insecurity.

Shit, I'm a hot ass bitch and I've dated several dudes who were physically less attractive than me but hot as shit thanks to their rock star personalities.

Losing weight will certainly make the guy more physically appealing to a broader range of people, but if he doesn't lose the emotional baggage and deal with his self esteem issues, he'll never reel in a true hottie.

Posted by Queen_of_Sleaze | February 5, 2008 3:38 PM
38

You know, it wasn't until I started dancing that I realized that the way someone moved, and the confidence they emanated, were a hundred times more sexy than the shape of their body. Speaking as a bi girl, there have been dumpy, rotund girls and little skinny boys that have stopped me dead in my tracks from the way they could do a body roll or pop their hips. Confidence is sexy. Talent is sexy. Doing something you love is sexy. And, you know, friendliness and wittiness and humor all count for something too.

What I know now is that a pretty face, or an attractive silhouette, simply won't do it for me anymore. I can have an objective appreciation for the person, but nothing else. The other person has to be able to DO something--with their words, with their writing, with their hands, with their bodies--for them to be worth the time for me.

My advice for this guy would be to find something he enjoys doing--besides insanely hot guys out of his league--that will also get him buff and confident and happy. Rock climbing, white water rafting, hiking, dancing, martial arts, wrestling, take your pick--but something so that when he puts on the muscle, he hopefully has something of a personality to go along with it.

Posted by lymerae | February 5, 2008 4:27 PM
39

I'm one of those skinny gay guys who are into bigger dudes. Overweight gay men don't have it so bad, with the whole bear/chaser subculture.

I don't think that's going to help losers like DUMPY, though. I don't know of many people who are attracted to attitude problems...

Posted by Matthew | February 5, 2008 4:33 PM
40

Wow, that was me. I decided the best thing for me to do was to be the guy I wanted to date. I'm not perfect but I'd do me. I've found that the stupid cliche' is true... love yourself and others will too.

Posted by monkey | February 5, 2008 4:47 PM
41

Dan, I think your advice could have been cut down to simply this:

"Grow up."

Posted by Sam | February 5, 2008 4:50 PM

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