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Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Savage Love Letter of the Day

posted by on January 22 at 15:00 PM

am sorry about my question. am a little embarrass about asking you this. first of all i read your article in the village voice newspaper. am a married woman and my husband want to have sex with me from behind. but am scared because he has a big package. am scared i will get hurt. i want to make him happy but i don’t know what to do. he is always mad at me. can you help me.

Don’t have anal sex with someone that is mad at you.

Anal sex requires a lot of preparation and you need to be relaxed and comfortable and be to trust that the person fucking your ass is as concerned with your health and safety and pleasure as he is with his own. Your husband’s hostility and selfishness is going to make you feel anything but relaxed or comfortable. If he can’t let go of the anger, don’t have anal sex with him at all, ever, period. If he can let go of the anger, anonymous married lady, here’s how to overcome your fear…

Engage in mutually agreeable anal sex play the first few DOZEN times you explore your butt. This means NO big-package-in-butt penetration for you, no expectation of big-package-in-butt penetration on his part, for the first few DOZEN or so times. Only tongues, fingers, and small toys—SMALL dildos or buttplugs and vibrators—at the start. Have a few dozen orgasms during safe and low-stakes anal explorations and you may start to associate anal play with pleasure, not fear. Then you can work up to full-on anal penetration—which can only be done with LOTS of lube and patience and consideration.

You CAN get hurt having anal sex with an angry, inconsiderate, or impatient partner. If your husband is any or all of those things, anonymous married lady, tell him it’s just not going to happen.

I also recommend that you buy these two books:

The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women by Tristan Taormino, and Anal Pleasure & Health by Jack Morin.

And tell your husband that nothing—not tongues, fingers, toes, toys, or dick—is going anywhere near your ass until he reads both these books. (You, of course, should read them too.) You can have anal sex with someone that has a big package—lots of folks do—but you shouldn’t do it under duress.

RSS icon Comments


"Always mad at her"? Would he really take no for an answer anyway? I'm judging, but this letter just struck me as more than just a plea for advice about buttsex.

Anyway, if a guy was prepared to pound my ass and insisting he be able to do so but has no fucking idea how to do it safely is pretty alarming. Who gets in a car without learning how to drive?

Posted by Gloria | January 22, 2008 3:10 PM

Er. "That is pretty alarming."

Posted by Gloria | January 22, 2008 3:11 PM

"You can have anal sex with someone that has a big package—lots of folks do—but you shouldn’t do it under duress."

Unless, of course, you dig that sort of thing. (EG)

Posted by monkey | January 22, 2008 3:11 PM

Yeah, those few brushstrokes of context make the whole letter much creepier.

Posted by tsm | January 22, 2008 3:15 PM

I agree with Gloria - there are bigger things going on here than a little butt-fucking. She needs to DTMFA. There are plenty of guys in the world with "big packages" who aren't assholes.

Posted by Fifty-Two-Eighty | January 22, 2008 3:16 PM

Jesus christ. does she love him long time?

Don't people realize that the F7 button not only does spell checking, but grammar checking as well?

Posted by *gong* | January 22, 2008 3:23 PM

Sounds like one of those guys who has seen so much anal in porn (from girls who are hella loose, have douched, and use lots of lube)

Same sorta guy that hate them queers for having butt secks but REALLY LOVES when women do it

Posted by Smon | January 22, 2008 3:25 PM

@6, I got the strong impression that English is not her native language. But I'm just guessing.

Posted by Fifty-Two-Eighty | January 22, 2008 3:31 PM

Seriously, I think Gloria is right.

Posted by Will in Seattle | January 22, 2008 3:35 PM

Wait. "From behind" or in the behind?

Posted by confused | January 22, 2008 3:43 PM

yeah, DTMFA . . .but good advice on Dan's part on how to do it to it.

Posted by irl500girl | January 22, 2008 3:55 PM

An angry man with a big package? Step aside, let me handle this.

Posted by DJSauvage | January 22, 2008 4:34 PM

Creepy ...

Posted by OR Matt | January 22, 2008 5:05 PM

I think this lady has bigger (pardon the phrase) issues than her sex life with her husband. If he's angry with her all the time, she may need to get to a safe place away from him.

Posted by Charity Froggenhall | January 22, 2008 6:03 PM

Do you really think people like this read SLOG?

And I think its disappointin when I go to read Savage Love and its something I've already read in SLOG. Can't you do different ones?

Posted by um | January 22, 2008 6:25 PM

I call bullshit on the letter. I think someone's prankin' ya.

Good advice, though.

Posted by catalina vel-duray | January 22, 2008 6:30 PM

She's got problems with more than her sex life. If she loves him, then one thing to try before dumping him is to get him to a doctor. A depressed man is an angry man, and SSRI's can help.

My comment on Dan's advice. I tried anal in college and it was no big deal. I was ignorant and just used some lube and had my boyfriend go to it, no buttplay or plugs or fingers or tongues. It wasn't the most thrilling thing I've tried, so I never really gotten into it; but it certainly wasn't this horrible painful experience either. Made a reasonable form of birth control though, so we did it fairly often. I'm wondering how many people have a perfectly fine experience without all this prep--it just seems excessive to me.

Posted by Anonymous | January 22, 2008 8:18 PM

Wait... he wants to put his dick in her butt hole? Weird.

Posted by Greg | January 22, 2008 8:27 PM

Really, Greg, that would be an abomination against God and nature. They're both gonna burn in Hell forever. Dan, you need to put a stop to this right now while there's still a chance to save their immortal souls!

Posted by Fifty-Two-Eighty | January 22, 2008 8:49 PM

For book recommendations you might also have included a basic English Grammar of some kind, and Strunk and White's Elements of Style.

Posted by bill | January 23, 2008 7:34 AM

I'm with Greg. I know I'm in the minority (big time!), but seriously, that's where the shit comes out. I know there's the whole taboo turn on aspect, but there are plenty of other ways to get off that feel great.

Posted by Mike in MO | January 23, 2008 7:58 AM

she's asking about doggie style, not anal.

"from behind".


Posted by max solomon | January 23, 2008 8:37 AM

22, why would she have such big trepidation about doggy style? that just doesn't make sense. and i agree with 8 that english is probably not her first language, therefore she said "from behind" instead of "anal." i've no doubt her husband is a creep. she probably doesn't have many other options, or doesn't think she does.

Posted by ellarosa | January 23, 2008 9:38 AM

I sure hope you're right @22, but I think you're probably not.

Either way, the whole question reeks of danger signs.

Posted by Will in Seattle | January 23, 2008 10:12 AM

Maybe I'm just being paranoid, but this smells like a fake. Probably written by some idiot anti-sex Christian fundamentalist.

I appreciate how Dan first defuses the letter by noting the problem is not anal sex, but the husband's anger and coersion. Then he goes on to subvert the purpose of the letter by going into proper dildo useage and anal sex guides (lol). Well done.

Random side-note: Maybe I'm just being paranoid again, but I notice a LOT of fake calls on C-SPAN. Like during the Kerry campaign in 2004, they had baby-voiced teenagers calling in support of John Kerry SEVERAL times, blabbing on and on, thus suggesting that only young idealistic fools would support Kerry. As though a 13-year old girl has nothign better to do than call C-SPAN and stay on hold to express her political opinions.

It really chaps my hide that noone calls these concern trolls out. Or maybe I'm paranoid and just need to take my meds...

Posted by strawmenflying | January 23, 2008 12:25 PM

When I read it the first time, I thought she meant that he was mad at her because she wouldn't let him do anal, and that was why she was seeking advice--how to do it so as to be comfortable herself and to make him happy, too.

Did anyone else read it that way? Of course, maybe he really is just mad all the time, in which case, Dan's right.

Posted by LeslieC | January 23, 2008 2:08 PM

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