Savage Love Savage Love Letter of the Day
posted by August 22 at 14:20 PMon
I am a 38 year old straight male in a long-term relationship. We have had two children together, and they are still quite young. I am not sure what killed the physicality and intimacy of our relationship (many things, likely), but as it stand, my spouse and I have been physically disconnected for years. This led to rather sleazy adulterate behaviour on my part. We recently discussed the topic at length (at which time I informed her of my indiscretions), and have decided to remain together for our children (we work well together as parents, and actually make pretty good friends). We have also decided to “open” our relationship, complete with rules of conduct.
We both seem to want the same thing: a companion of the opposite sex, one that will be a friend and lover. My spouse has found one. It is someone I am acquainted with, and this is fine, as I know him to be a fine, responsible human being. I have been looking for someone, but have had no luck yet. I feel like I don’t really know what I am doing, or if I can even find what I am looking for, or even if there are women in the world interested in a relationship of the sort in question. One night stands are not an option for me: I find them pleasant but ultimately unsatisfying. I posted an ad on Craigslist, but only managed to attract a Russian woman living in Russia, whom I strongly suspect to be a scammer. Some clear, logical and humourous direction would be greatly appreciated!
By the way, I should mention that I am 38, very good-looking, in superb physical condition, charismatic, and highly educated.
All Too Human
You’re seeking a companion of the opposite sex, someone with whom you’re on good, friendly terms, someone who understands you’re committed to your marriage for your kids’ sake, someone you know to be responsible and trustworthy…
How about the wife?
I know, I know: You two sexually disconnected after the births of your children (all too common), you engaged in some sleazy adulterate behaviors, blah blah blah. But that’s all out in the open now and you’ve decided to stay together because you’re good parents, partners, and friends, and you’ve opened the relationship up to seek friends-with-benefits, as the straight people call ‘em, or fuck buddies, as we gay people like to say, to get your needs met.
But why not have sex with each other anyway?
Not exclusively, of course. I think it’s important that you leave things open because, ATH, it will help your wife realize that a married person can have sex with people other than the spouse and still be a good, loving, present spouse and co-parent. She’ll realize this, of course, because that’s exactly just what she’ll be doing. She’ll be having sex with another person, this other man, getting certain needs met elsewhere, while at the same time being a good and loving wife to you and a good and loving mom to her kids.
And once she has this realization—that love and commitment, and not sexual exclusivity, is the most important bond that you two share—she may be able to forgive you, really forgive you, for the adulterate behaviors you engaged in during your period of sexual disconnectedness. And you may be able to restore your sexual connection, even if you don’t ever become completely sexually exclusive again.
In the meantime, ATH, it’s going to be harder for you to find a partner. There are many more frustrated married men out there seeking sex than there are frustrated married women seeking sex. (Not that there aren’t isn’t an equal or greater number of frustrated married women—there just less likely to be out there actively seeking sex.) Since your deal with the wife clearly doesn’t exclude mutual friends and acquaintances, I would encourage you to be open and honest with people you know and trust about your new deal with your wife. Then you can feel free to approach single female friends that seem interested while your secretly frustrated married female friends will know that there’s a good-looking, charismatic, highly-educated, and in-great-shape guy out there for the taking.