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Friday, August 22, 2008

Savage Love Letter of the Day

posted by on August 22 at 14:20 PM

I am a 38 year old straight male in a long-term relationship. We have had two children together, and they are still quite young. I am not sure what killed the physicality and intimacy of our relationship (many things, likely), but as it stand, my spouse and I have been physically disconnected for years. This led to rather sleazy adulterate behaviour on my part. We recently discussed the topic at length (at which time I informed her of my indiscretions), and have decided to remain together for our children (we work well together as parents, and actually make pretty good friends). We have also decided to “open” our relationship, complete with rules of conduct.

We both seem to want the same thing: a companion of the opposite sex, one that will be a friend and lover. My spouse has found one. It is someone I am acquainted with, and this is fine, as I know him to be a fine, responsible human being. I have been looking for someone, but have had no luck yet. I feel like I don’t really know what I am doing, or if I can even find what I am looking for, or even if there are women in the world interested in a relationship of the sort in question. One night stands are not an option for me: I find them pleasant but ultimately unsatisfying. I posted an ad on Craigslist, but only managed to attract a Russian woman living in Russia, whom I strongly suspect to be a scammer. Some clear, logical and humourous direction would be greatly appreciated!

By the way, I should mention that I am 38, very good-looking, in superb physical condition, charismatic, and highly educated.

All Too Human

You’re seeking a companion of the opposite sex, someone with whom you’re on good, friendly terms, someone who understands you’re committed to your marriage for your kids’ sake, someone you know to be responsible and trustworthy…

How about the wife?

I know, I know: You two sexually disconnected after the births of your children (all too common), you engaged in some sleazy adulterate behaviors, blah blah blah. But that’s all out in the open now and you’ve decided to stay together because you’re good parents, partners, and friends, and you’ve opened the relationship up to seek friends-with-benefits, as the straight people call ‘em, or fuck buddies, as we gay people like to say, to get your needs met.

But why not have sex with each other anyway?

Not exclusively, of course. I think it’s important that you leave things open because, ATH, it will help your wife realize that a married person can have sex with people other than the spouse and still be a good, loving, present spouse and co-parent. She’ll realize this, of course, because that’s exactly just what she’ll be doing. She’ll be having sex with another person, this other man, getting certain needs met elsewhere, while at the same time being a good and loving wife to you and a good and loving mom to her kids.

And once she has this realization—that love and commitment, and not sexual exclusivity, is the most important bond that you two share—she may be able to forgive you, really forgive you, for the adulterate behaviors you engaged in during your period of sexual disconnectedness. And you may be able to restore your sexual connection, even if you don’t ever become completely sexually exclusive again.

In the meantime, ATH, it’s going to be harder for you to find a partner. There are many more frustrated married men out there seeking sex than there are frustrated married women seeking sex. (Not that there aren’t isn’t an equal or greater number of frustrated married women—there just less likely to be out there actively seeking sex.) Since your deal with the wife clearly doesn’t exclude mutual friends and acquaintances, I would encourage you to be open and honest with people you know and trust about your new deal with your wife. Then you can feel free to approach single female friends that seem interested while your secretly frustrated married female friends will know that there’s a good-looking, charismatic, highly-educated, and in-great-shape guy out there for the taking.

RSS icon Comments


Throw it in her butt.

Posted by Mr. Poe | August 22, 2008 2:24 PM
Not that there isn’t an equal or greater number of frustrated married women

You don't really believe that, do you? Come on! Open that can o' worms again.

Posted by tsm | August 22, 2008 2:24 PM

Rape is fun.

Posted by but ultimately a last resort. oh, and welcome to slog | August 22, 2008 2:26 PM

Turgid prose is what led to the disconnectedness and the adulterationist behaviors on the part(s) of those parties of which we have identified as participants in the aforementioned relationship about which we and the English language are being tortured to our deaths with.

Turgid fucking prose, my friends. Don't let it destroy your family too.

Posted by elenchos | August 22, 2008 2:34 PM

What elenchos said. I.e., ATH would have a lot better luck with the ladies if he didn't sound like Frasier Crane.

Posted by alan | August 22, 2008 2:38 PM

They should set up a scene. "Run across" each other somewhere, pretend they don't know each other, flirt, go to a bar, date "secretly", and "go back to my place". All the spice of adultery plus the benefits of reconnecting their marriage, etc. etc.

Or what Poe said. Either way.

Posted by Fnarf | August 22, 2008 2:39 PM

Perhaps they should have Pina Coladas, @6.

Posted by tsm | August 22, 2008 2:47 PM


Posted by w7ngman | August 22, 2008 2:55 PM

@7 for the insightful win, at least until the cops arrest the spurned babysitter who guns down the entire family.

Posted by Will in Seattle | August 22, 2008 2:58 PM

You guys are fucking hilarious. I love you elenchos.

Posted by Callie | August 22, 2008 3:07 PM

As a rocket scientist, I can say with authority that the solution is to try having sex and reconnecting with eachother. It just might work. Fnarf actually had a decent suggestion for something specific to try. Unless the author is trying to say without saying that although he is hot stuff, his wife is nasty and that's why he just can't get it up.

Posted by rocket scientist | August 22, 2008 3:09 PM

there is nothing in that letter but pure bullshit. There is no existing world that person is describing.

Posted by harold | August 22, 2008 3:28 PM

There's a dating service for people who want to have affairs. He should start there.

Posted by Jason Josephes | August 22, 2008 3:30 PM

dan, he's not JUST attractive. he's VERY attractive.

& a monster of self-regard.

Posted by i'm very attractive, too. | August 22, 2008 3:42 PM

He didn't seem to have any trouble finding someone to cheat on his wife with the first time. Why not try the same technique?

Or perhaps a courtesan? (oh wait, they're called escorts now.)

Posted by Lauren | August 22, 2008 3:58 PM


Oh wait, that's right, I'm emailing Dan Savage for run-of-the-mill dating advice and am therefore a social retard.

Posted by w7ngman | August 22, 2008 4:05 PM

hahahaa elenchos! hahaha!

Posted by city kitty | August 22, 2008 4:26 PM

Posted by Mike in MO | August 24, 2008 10:20 AM

you were quite preachy in this one dan...

Posted by darekso | August 25, 2008 10:53 AM

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