Savage Love Savage Love Letter of the Day
posted by January 18 at 12:00 PMon
I am gay, closeted, and in high school. I’m sure that sounds dire, but I’m out to a lot of my friends and they are the most supportive people someone like me could ever have. My sex life is not really existent (since it is legally, physically, and emotionally unsafe for an underage minor like me to be canoodling anyways), but a couple of questions have been tickling my curiosity. How should I deal with crushes on straight boys? Is it damaging to my psyche in anyway? Should I just reject my feelings and move on? I don’t have any gay friends to bounce my ideas off, just very sweet and innocent female best friends that have no experience with this whatsoever.
Teenage Boy in Distress
One or two of the straight boys you have crushes on are probably gay, TBID, they’re just not out yet. But there’s really nothing you can do about that and, at your age, there probably isn’t anything you should do about it, if you could do something about it, which you can’t.
All you can do now is enjoy those crushes. But don’t conclude, like some dumb gay men have, that early crushes on straight guys means that you’re not and never will be attracted to other out gay dudes. You will, I promise you, once you start meeting them. For now, TBID, entertain yourself with whatever mental images you care to conjure up and your own right hand.
When you start meeting out gay dudes, BE SAFE, use condoms if you decide to have anal sex. But don’t feel like you’re somehow obligated to have sex—anal or otherwise—with ANYONE, ever, period. You don’t have to become sexually active to prove that you’re authentically gay or grownup. And please don’t feel like engaging in anal sex somehow makes you an all-grownup-now gay man. Plenty of grownup gay men don’t have anal sex at all or often; many gay men prefer oral sex or mutual masturbation.
And you, as a young gay boy, should avoid older gay men for all the same reasons that young straight girls are advised to avoid older straight men. Don’t fall for any “gay and lesbian brothers and sisters” rhetoric you may encounter online or at your first pride parade. Older gay men are not your brothers.
For now focus on school and friends and getting your ass into a good college—preferably a big state school. Once you’re there, TBID, I promise that you’ll meet tons of nice, smart, out gay boys, and you’ll start having crushes on guys that are capable of having crushes on you. Good luck.