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Get him drunk and pay someone to fuck him so you can be the victim and leave because he cheated on you.

Posted by Mr. Poe | August 18, 2008 12:07 PM

"Iím not ready...."

There's your reason.

Posted by boxofbirds | August 18, 2008 12:15 PM

Hell, get Mr. Poe drunk and he might do it for you for free. ;)

Posted by NapoleonXIV | August 18, 2008 12:17 PM

Breaking up with someone is very sad...damn, no I feel all melancholy.

Posted by Jubilation T. Cornball | August 18, 2008 12:19 PM

Please file the appropriate termination of cohabitative relationship forms and submit them to your county prethonitary by the end of the fiscal quarter. Please include two forms of photo ID, birth certificate, and the signed permission slip of a doctor.

Posted by Apsaras | August 18, 2008 12:20 PM

A dependent older guy? Sounds like some 26-year-old Tullalip enthusiast. No thanks.

Posted by Mr. Poe | August 18, 2008 12:22 PM

Start peeing on his things and slashing his stuff with a knife. Soon he'll be glad to get rid of you.

Posted by breklor | August 18, 2008 12:23 PM

Thanks ever so much but this isn't going to work. Bye bye.

Posted by Vince | August 18, 2008 12:52 PM

No way was this the best letter you got today.

Posted by elenchos | August 18, 2008 12:53 PM

It seems weird to suggest that information about "why" would only be provided if he "insisted." If people have had an intense relationship that is now ending, it seems as if some communication is appropriate. Why is being nice not an issue in this situation?

Posted by Captain Jack | August 18, 2008 12:58 PM

@10: Because sometimes, giving reasons just gives the soon-to-be-ex something to argue with. Sometimes it is better to just cut the strings and walk.

Obama, Madonna! What a wonderful team!
Obama, Madonna! Ain't no foolish dream!
It means no worries for the next four years...
Hitch up to their star
And they'll take us far!
Obama, Madonna!

Posted by Breklor | August 18, 2008 1:52 PM

poe, tell me this isn't about you and the jew.

Posted by scary tyler moore | August 18, 2008 2:40 PM


I've also found it to be a passive aggressive type thing, designed to guilt trip the other person into not leaving. The dumpee will use the dumper's reluctance to cause hurt feelings to his own advantage. At least that's been my experience. It's better just to leave, no explanations.

Posted by keshmeshi | August 18, 2008 3:01 PM

Tell him at his favorite restaurant. The food will taste like cardboard to him for a while.

Posted by snarky | August 18, 2008 3:17 PM

So basically explaining and being kind and trying to cushion the emotional blow are out of the question if doing so might be a little unpleasant or inconvenient for oneself.

Posted by Captain Jack | August 18, 2008 3:20 PM

@13: In a mature, healthy relationship with good communication, the dumpee will already have heard all the complaints anyway and should have seen this coming. Unless, of course, the dumpage has nothing to do with the dumpee, but is a (relatively sudden) act on the part of the dumper. But that's a whole other story.

Posted by Breklor | August 18, 2008 3:21 PM

Follow the intructions in the Nada Surf song Popular.

Or, do exactly what Dan says.

Posted by Mike in MO | August 18, 2008 3:21 PM

This would have been a perfect job for Shannon Doherty back when her "Breaking Up With Shannon Doherty" reality show was still going. Never has a more perfect celebrity vehicle ever been created. The premise: Shannon Doherty dumped your significant other for you. If the dumpee argued, she'd show footage of them doing shitty things like flirting excessively or sitting on their asses while their partner cleaned. It was genius.

Posted by Kalakalot | August 18, 2008 3:22 PM

Not I. I get out of relationships that don't work. Mine works. Which is why I'm still here. For now.

Posted by Mr. Poe | August 18, 2008 5:03 PM

You don't even need to post this. You gave the right advice. Thank god you didn't waste a column on this one.

But I do wonder why we do feel obligated to give someone a reason why we don't want to be with them. We can no more answer the question of why we don't want to be with someone, than we can answer the question of why we do.

Posted by Charm | August 19, 2008 10:43 AM

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