This just in:
I know you usually get mail about the sex lives of your readers (what with being a "sex advice columnist" and all) but I have a problem that has nothing to do with mine and my wife's sex life. I have a parenting problem, and given that you are a fellow parent and may have had to deal with these kinds of ethical issues, I'm hoping you have some insight.
My brother is a social conservative, something that makes holidays interesting given that I'm a liberal, and a politically involved liberal at that. I can't change him, but I'm disturbed because his son, who we'll call George, is thirteen years old and has taken on many of his dad's more intolerant characteristics. For instance, whenever I suggest that my toddler age son could have a girlfriend or a boyfriend when he grows up, George says he can't believe I'd let him have a boyfriend, because "being gay is just wrong." He also uses the word "gay" as a pejorative, as in "that's so gay." George takes every possible opportunity to let us know he thinks homosexuality is wrong and dirty.
George loves my son, and my son clearly thinks the world of George. So I have two questions.
1) Do you have any suggestions as to how to convince a thirteen year old boy that homosexuality is ok, or at least that he shouldn't go around talking about how wrong it is even if he holds that opinion? I have no parental authority over him here, and for obvious reasons my brother won't exercise it on my behalf.
2) Is there an ethical problem with me trying to convince George to adopt my values, in spite of my brother's clear intention to raise his son with "his values"? Or, put another way, does my trying to convince George without my brother's permission give my brother license to use words like "fag" in front of my son without my permission?
Advancing Liberalism In Youth
My quickly dashed off response:
Don't be such a liberal pussy—you're getting smacked around by a 13 year-old boybigot, ALIY. For christ's sake! It's time to stop wringing your fucking hands and start wringing the little bastard's neck.
Your nephew certainly feels free to share his opinions with you—great. kids have a right to express themselves. But you are an adult—HELLO—and you have a right to share your opinions with him too. And you can share them every bit as bluntly. "Being gay is just wrong," says the nephew. "You're just wrong, you little shit," says the uncle. (That's how my uncles addressed me.) Then tell his little punk ass to go read a book, learn something about the subject, and maybe talk to an actual real live gay person before he opens his fool mouth to you again on the subject.
Fathers, of course, are free—sadly—to teach their sons whatever ridiculous bullshit they care to. I'm teaching my son, for instance, that theory of gravity is just a theory and that invisible wads of magic chewing gum hold everything down. Your brother, however, can't expect you to forever censor yourself around his misinformed, opinionated son to protect the kid from realization that there are other points of view and that maybe—just maybe—what he learned at home is wrong. So put your brother on notice: If his son is going to share his opinions—his father's opinions, but whatever—with adults who disagree with him, then your nephew is going to get into arguments with adults, arguments that—with you, at least—he will lose.
And if your brother expects you to STFU about your views on homosexuality around his kid, you have a right to demand that he and his son both STFU about their POVs on homosexuality around YOUR kid, who might—the chance is small, but there's a chance—grow up to be gay.
Your nephew, of course, might be gay himself. I'd add, "Here's hoping the little shit is," but odds are good that your nephew will grow up to be one very messy gay adult, considering the bullshit that his dad has pounded into his head. We've got enough messy gay men lurking in the shrubbery and don't need anymore.