It is my dubious and depressing duty to inform you that she of the filthy, filthy washcloth and ever-oogy Christyness, Our Teary Lady of Mudslide Mascarra, the weepy PTL Queen-cum-gay-loving Kabuki princess, Tammy Faye, has finally gone to meet her maker, back to where she came from, God save her soul. She was 200,000 years old.

Lest we forget...

And let's all pray that a moist towlette awaits her in heaven...a moist towlette called JESUS! Shalom!

The highly stalk-able SNL hottie Andy Samberg will be in Seattle tonight, promoting his new movie Hot Rod. Ack. The movie looks crushingly UN-funny. Well maybe not "crushingly," but definitely NO WAY-NO HOW as funny as this or this. He'll be at the Pacific Place AMC Theater downtown at 8 pm. But it's one of those free-screeners-have-to-have-a-pass-and-wait-in-line-for-two-hour-dealies. Not open to the public. So why am I even telling you this? I dunno. Maybe Andy will pop into Johnny Rockets for a chocolate malt afterwards. Or turn up at the W Hotel bar. Or better yet, wander up the hill and go shake it at Ruff Gemz at the Baltic Room. I'm just sayin' - keep your eyes peeled.

I am in love with Jon Lovitz:

IT was fight night at an L.A. comedy club last week when Jon Lovitz roughed up Andy Dick over the murder of their "Saturday Night Live" colleague, Phil Hartman.

Laugh Factory owner Jamie Masada, who witnessed the assault, said, "Jon picked Andy up by the head and smashed him into the bar four or five times, and blood started pouring out of his nose." Lovitz told Page Six, "All the comedians are glad I did it because this guy is a [bleep]hole."

A bleephole, indeed.

Via NY Post

Thanks to Ben for the heads up.

Stars—they're just like us!...if you mean psychotically defensive and unable to tell the truth.

Example #1: Isaiah Washington (or as I like to call him "Blamey Whinehouse"), who's continuing his post-Grey's Anatomy-firing rampage by now blaming his non-renewed contract on co-star Patrick Dempsey (whom Washington also blasts as a crappy actor) and some weird subterranean racism on the Grey's set that made him feel like "an N-word." (Nutbag? Nincompoop? Nobody? Jerk.)

Example #2: Paris Hilton, who kept a straight face while telling Larry King she'd never, ever done drugs. Last night, Access Hollywood ran a most entertaining mini-expose. Enjoy. (And thank you, Defamer.)

I know, I know—Tom Cruise is a flaming box of nuts and Scientology is a gold-plated swindle, but isn't it a little—uh, gee, I'm trying not to use the f-word—authoritarian for the German government to forbid a film shoot because it doesn't cotton to the (deeply, deeply ridiculous) beliefs of one of the actors?

The Prison Break star does nothing for me. But if he turns your crank, you might wanna click here.

The three most evil people in the history of everything, in order, used to go like this: George Bush, Satan, Accuser of Man, and OJ Simpson. But this list has been revised, and now reads OJ Simpson, OJ Simpson, OJ Simpson.

I am sure that y'all recall that horrible book OJ wrote about the people he murdered and the night he murdered them. “If I Did It”, it was called. And you’ll recall what a sickening stir it caused, and that it was pulled before one single bloody lie-soaked copy ever reached a Barnes and Noble bookshelf. Well, that horrid manuscript has been LEAKED on the internet, and excerpts of it can be found sprouting like poisonous mushrooms all over the space that is cyber. TMZ.com published a few of these, and now they might even be held in contempt of court. Here is one of the excerpts that those bad kids over at TMZ exposed (gosh darn them!):

I’m going to tell you a story you’ve never heard before, because nobody knows this story the way I know it. It takes place on the night of June 12th, 1994, and it concerns the murder of my ex wife, Nicole Brown Simpson, and her young friend Ronald Goldman. I want you to forget everything you know about that night, because I know the facts better than anyone. I know the players. I’ve seen the evidence. I’ve heard the theories. And, of course, I’ve read the stories: That I did it. That I did it but I don’t know I did it. That I can no longer tell fact from fiction. That I wake up in the middle of the night, consumed with guilt, screaming.

Indeed. At least, I really, really hope he does.

Gag more, here. If you dare.

Attention! Are you a limbless crack whore covered in festering open sores? Are you living in gigantic pile of fresh human shit? Has your body cavity been infested with maggots? Spider eggs? Are you tubercular? On fire? Take heart! Things could be worse…

Oh, so very much, much worse.

Sean Nelson isn't the only one having trouble with Paul McCartney these days. In a recent editorial for The Waco Tribune, '70s rock star/eternal far-right nut job Ted Nugent blasts McCartney for more than just aesthetic suckery. Writes the Nuge:

I have musical touring associates who have been fired from their jobs with ex-Beatle Paul McCartney for sneaking a hamburger. You heard that right. Fired for eating meat by an animal-rights maniac, hard-core vegan bass player.

Nugent goes on to reveal that "[t]he entire agenda of the gazillion-dollar-financed joke known as PETA literally is dedicated to outlawing meat," then gets lost in his familiar anti-gun-control psychosis, decrying the "soulless condition of unarmed helplessness in 'gun-free zones,'" before starting a new beef with—you guessed it—Danny Glover. (Juh?)

Read the whole thing here. (If you thought the man behind "Wango Tango" was a gifted lyricist, wait till you read his editorials...)

But it's still one of my favorites of all time. There is no context for this interaction. It just occurs.

PLEASE don't say, "cheese"!

Waxing ever less original in her feverish "Prove to the Universe that I Have a Chode" campaign (and in her grim determination to make absolutely sure everyone everywhere meets it personally), Britney Spears did this...

...again.

Let me be quite frank. I am so sick of this retarded twat's retarded twat. Can I get a "A-MEN"?

Her name is Bianca King.
Her age is 21. Her country is the Philippines. Her fame owes much of its size to TV shows. The reason why I bring her image up in this post is her comment: " I like being beautiful and I'd like to share that with other people." What a strange thing to say. It has two possible meanings: One, Bianca would like to share the fact that she likes being beautiful with other people; or two, she'd like to share her beauty with others, rather than being stingy and keeping it all to herself in some dark room. Which does Bianca mean? If only pictures could speak.

Paris Hilton didn't eat or drink anything for three days in prison because she was afraid guards would snap pictures of her on the toilet.

According to an "insider" (whatever the hell that means):

"She didn't eat or drink a single thing for three days because she didn't want to use the toilet. She was in real danger"

Hilton also suffered from "extreme claustrophobia" and began hyperventilating and freaking out.

"She cried the entire time, and that wasn't helping the dehydration."

Jail medical officials became concerned that severe dehydration and a buildup of waste and toxins in Hilton's body could cause a complete collapse and "even kill her," the source said.

Via NY Daily News

Hansa the elephant has died.

Beloved 6-and-a-half-year-old Woodland Park Zoo resident Hansa the elephant has died. Zoo officials said during a news conference this afternoon that they would be conducting a necropsy today on the elephant. But they cautioned it could be weeks before the results are known, but it is not believed that she was the victim of heterosexual parental abuse.

Via The Superficial

Mr. (Ms?) Wm. Steven Humphrey™ earlier queried quite a query. Basically, it was something like this: Do you feel sorry for Paris fucking Hilton, now that she’s slammered away? DO YOU? Can you muster a drip of compassion for the bleach-blond bag of money-dipped-in-sperm? And if you didn’t feel the tinniest twinge of sad for her before, do you NOW---after watching that horrible video that he posted of Sarah Silverman at the MTV VMAs or whatever? Do you? DO YOU???

Well I fucking do. Now.

Some perspective: When I was thirteen like Paris is or whatever, goodness knows, I certainly snorted my share of coke from the huge hard cocks of many anonymous black men and various relatively interested bystanders. I wasn’t even a billionaire yet. So it’s not like I can’t empathize. (Hey, we’ve all been there.) Of course I never, EVER, drink (or lie), and I didn’t learn to drive until just last Tuesday. And I’ve forgotten that gain already. So luckily Paris and I don’t have the DUI thing in common. Thank God. Knock wood.

But, see, I simply can’t abide rudeness. Cannot. Fucking. Abide. It. Sure, she’s going to jail, it will probably (forgive me) do her some good (lesbian sex is expansive for the soul), but really I’m very British about the situation. As is the tradition of all good Brittishers or whatever (I AM half British, you understand. The other half is Irish, and that’s the half that doesn’t drink or lie) I’d sledgehammer your children to death in their beds, but I’d never be rude to your face. Ergo, I feel sorry for Paris. The entire VMA or whatever audience applauded and cheered her pending incarceration---Jack Nicholson practically shat himself ----and she was SITTING RIGHT THERE. My God. RIGHT THERE!

And now...well. Et tu, Madame Taussauds?

RUDE RUDE RUDE RUDE RUDE! I CAN’T STAND IT!

So. Now I feel sorry for Paris Hilton. I never wanted to feel sorry for God damn Paris Hilton. I don’t WANT to feel sorry for God damn Paris fucking-slut-bag-coke-whore-money-up-the-greasy-twat-evil-stuck- up-biznatch Hilton. But now I do. I blame Sarah Silverman.

Fuck the fuck you, Silverman!

As we know, Paris Hilton has started her 23-ish day jail sentence to pay for her crimes against humanity. But I'm not sure being coddled in the celebrity wing of a minimum security prison is going to right all the wrongs she's committed against the universe. That's why it's a good thing we have sexy potty-mouth SARAH SILVERMAN on the planet to keep the world in balance. Check out the KER-SLAM Sarah puts on Paris at the MTV Movie Awards—and oh, my god—check out the look on Paris' face.
OUCH!!!

The whispers began yesterday with the following email, which was kindly forwarded to me by pretty, pretty David Schmader:

Adrian, Have you heard anything of this? xoxo, dave

Begin forwarded message:

From: REDACTED
Date: May 31, 2007 8:46:06 PM PDT
To: lastdays@thestranger.com
Subject: Celebrity I saw Yous

… I think I saw that really gay blond queen from "Project Runway"downtown..is he in town for something?

Brad

Frankly, I have zero clue what the hell Brad (or anyone else) is talking about. Big blond queens? "Project Runway"? Whatevs. But, lo! Some light has at last been shed! Behold:

Hey Adrian! Yesterday I had a D-list Celebrity Sighting on 5th Avenue. I stepped from of my office doors and standing fifteen feet out of my reach was "Project Runway's" Austin Scarlett. His petite 100-pound body, perfectly quaffed blond locks, and over-sized sunglasses got my knees a knockin'. Don't ask me why, maybe deep down I have a thing for dandy fops. As we stood there our glances met. Slowly he lifted his sunglasses up and began to give me elevator eyes. Again...knee's were a knockin'. As we gazed into each others souls, I knew this was my moment to approach him. Unfortunately my knockin' knees froze on me. The sunglasses came down and with a major flip of the neck Austin sashayed out of my life. Not a beat was missed as he headed off to I'm sure one of Seattle's high end clothing stores on 5th Avenue or perhaps The Gap. Bravo Austin Scarlett. Bravo!

Cheers!
Joey

And there you have it! Apparently the city is overrun with the dandyfopping queen from "Project Runway". Be careful not to step in any.

Have You Seen this "Man"?

I'm responding to the article today in the paper about Chris Crocker. It's called Excape from Real Bitch Island.

Um, the writer talks about Chris imitating, quote, ghetto black women. And I just want to clarify that he's not imitating ghetto black women. He's imitating ghetto black drag queens and trannies and gay men who are hatefully imitating ghetto black women. So, that "tea" and "shade" and that other little bullshit that they published supposedly being ghetto black women. It's not. It's just black, gay, trans, and drag queen men pretending that they are ghetto black women.

Ghetto black women, of which I am one, don't necessarily use those words. They're old and tired. So, Eli, get it right.

And Bill Clinton should sue.

Source story (from London's Daily Mail) here.

Like I said yesterday (just before Slog got "hit by the MySpace truck") there was a lot I couldn't fit into my Chris Crocker profile.

So I'm going to post some of my left-out Crocker material as Slog "outtakes" over the next week. Here's the first: The back-story of how Chris got the attention of MTV.

It's a story that, just like yesterday's huge Crocker comment thread, shows how well Chris communicates with his fans (or, to put it in more cynical terms, how well he uses his position at the head of a digital mob).

Chris clearly knows there's some power in being able to send out a MySpace bulletin and have his fans respond immediately to his directions. Here he is, in his "Queen of All Ghetto" video, warning his haters: "I'ma tell my MySpace fans on y'all. I can have my groupies on your ass in 5,4,3,2,1... It's nothing."

Matt Sunbulli was one of the first big-media people to find this out. As I write in my profile, Sunbulli is MTV's "web correspondent," and he's asked Chris to make a video for the MTV web site. The video should be posted online sometime in the near future, and could also air on MTV cable.

"I kinda troll the web on a daily basis," Sunbulli told me when I called him two weeks ago to talk about how he found Chris. "I have a pretty good feel and pulse on the web. I stumbled into him."

Like a lot of people, Sunbulli first watched Chris's This and That video, was intrigued, and proceeded to the others. "Two things resonated with me right off the bat," Sunbulli told me. The first: "The intimacy of the videos." And the second: "This tremendous group following that he had."

It reminded Sunbulli of this high-minded web essay about the rise of digital mobs and the dangers to the national discourse in pandering to them. Chris is not exactly what the essay was talking about, but his huge following got Sunbulli thinking about the online future—"About social groups forming around social personalities, and almost mimicking mob behavior and taking it to the next level... How long are we from having an online revolutionary? I truly think we're not very far away from having online revolutionaries rising wholly from the web."

Sunbulli got in contact with Chris, told him he was fascinated by him, and said they should talk. This was one of the earliest signs of interest from the wider world that Chris received, and he got back to Sunbulli very quickly, sounding very excited. Sunbulli didn't write back immediately; he's a busy guy.

"The next day I check my email and I have like a 1,000 emails in my MySpace in-box from his 'friends,'" Sunbulli told me. People were demanding that he put Chris on his next MTV webisode. "That honestly made me more interested," Sunbulli said. "The fact that he had this much sway."

All Chris had done, it turned out, was send out a MySpace bulletin telling his fans to contact Sunbulli. So Sunbulli did some quick calculations about MySpace bulletins, which appear on MySpace members' pages when sent to them by their MySpace friends.

For active MySpace users like Chris's fans, these bulletins tend to disappear quickly, because they're constantly being pushed down by other bulletins from other friends. Given the short "hang time" of a MySpace bulletin, Sunbulli concluded that the emails he was receiving about Chris Crocker represented only a tiny fraction of the highly motivated "fans" at Chris's disposal.

He was a bit in awe. He was a bit scared. He thought: "This is tremendous power."

(Meanwhile, for another churning comment thread related to Chris Crocker, and one with a bit of a different tone than yesterday's Slog comment thread, check out today's Towleroad post about my story.)

For this week's Stranger I wrote about Chris Crocker, a 19-year-old gay kid who, using little more than a digital video camera and an internet connection, has managed to channel his small-town frustrations into national online fame.

This was one of the most fun and heartbreaking stories I've ever had the chance to write for The Stranger, and I have a number of "Crocker outtakes" to post over the next few days—things I couldn't fit in the story, but that shouldn't be kept from the world. Look for them starting tomorrow.

But for now, check out the power of online fame. My story went up online a little less than an hour ago. Chris, who has never had a profile written about him before and was eagerly awaiting it, immediately sent out a MySpace bulletin to his fans giving them a link to The Stranger.

In my story, I write that Chris's fans "hang on his every MySpace bulletin," and I wasn't kidding.

Already, his lovers (and haters) are weighing in on the article by posting comments on his MySpace page. A few kind examples:

Wow...i've read da whole article... I love you more now.

I just read the article. Hot damn boy. Get out of there and come here, to LA =D

OMG that thing I read has changed my whole views bout you and your videos I was in tears when I was reading that omg I had do idea that you had to go throught something like that some ppl are just ass holes and you know that is something they have to live with that u so you know what life goes on... Well f u need another fan to tlak to I'm here for you babe... LoVe ya

And then there's this, from one of the many Crocker haters, who posted the following comment more than 50 times in a row:

NO HOMO!

UPDATE: And perhaps I should change "national fame," above, to international fame. This just landed in my in-box from the UK. (And, just to be clear, I'm not posting these to stroke myself, but to show how fast—and far—things can move online these days, and how "viral" anything about Chris can become. Remember, my story went online only an hour ago.)

Greetings, Eli.

My name's Willem Botha, proud South African, now living in UK to further my studies in film making.

Just want to say that your article on Chris was amazing and I enjoyed reading every word of it. Thank you for sharing it with the world. That boy seriously needs to get out of that town and fast. But things are looking quite bright for him at this moment, which I'm very glad for. I really do care about his future and I wish only the best for him.

Anyway, that was all I wanted to say. Thanks again for the wonderful article!

Best regards

Willem

Blaming gay men for the pressure our culture places on women to by skinny is like blaming gays and lesbians for heterosexual divorce. Yet Beth Ditto does just that in the latest issue of New Music Express. Says Beth...

"If there's anyone to blame for size zero, it's not women. Blame gay men who work in the fashion industry and want these women as dolls."

Does Ditto think gay men only began working in the fashion industry in the last twenty years?

Uh, Beth? Gay men have been making clothes for and slathering makeup on women since the beginning of recorded human history. And body types, like everything else, come in and out of fashion for reasons that have nothing to do with gay men and our desire to play with dolls. My God, who do you think dressed the zaftig-by-today's-standards Marilyn Monroe?

The reason certain body types come in and out of fashion has little to do with the pack of cocksuckers that run the fashion industry. The skinny thing, like all aspects of fashion, are all ultimately about sexual display and attraction. And sexual display is about the flaunting of wealth, power, and status, Beth, and not about the ability of evil male homosexuals to dictate beauty standards to helpless straight women.

When food was scarce and most people were skinny, plump bodies were "ideal" because they were a sign of status and wealth. And the oppressed skinny girls felt awful and unattractive--and gay men made clothes for the fat girls and the skinny girls just the same. Today food is plentiful and most people are heavy and skinny bodies are "ideal" because they're a sign of status and wealth. And the oppressed plump girls are made to feel awful and unattractive--and gay men make clothes for the skinny girls and the fat girls just the same.

But maybe...just MAYBE...you should. Just for a moment. Just this tiny little bit:

Hate Rosie as I do, I'd pay good money to see her beat the holy living shit out of Elizabeth Hasselbeck. Apparently, she's working up to it.

I am rather perplexed to report that I just smacked---BAM!---right into Robin the fuck Williams on Third Ave., near the W Hotel. Indeed, Robin the fuck Williams! This is what happened:

I was jauntily making my way to the SIFF press office at The W Hotel, when LO! Robin the fuck Williams suddenly came sauntering towards me, wearing sunglasses and being rather bowlegged. Recognizing me immediately (as he ALWAYS does), he exclaimed “ADRIAN! My GOD! You look AWESOME! Come! Let us proceed to my suite, where we shall indeed smoke gargantuan mountains of weed and discuss every little thing!” or something. And so we did.

OR!

I was jauntily making my way to the SIFF press office at The W Hotel, when LO! Robin the fuck Williams, in sunglasses and rather bowlegged, came ambling up the sidewalk. I recognized him immediately (as I always do), and, rather startled (running into a legend on Third Ave. is always a soupcon surreal), I launched myself at him, bellowing, “Mr. Williams! Good heavens! How do you do!”, to which he smiled politely as if I were some kind of lunatic and responded, “How YOU doin’? just like Joey on Friends, but in that practiced way that all big stars learn in order to keep the general street flotsam at arms-length. Then he just continued bowlegged and sunglassy up the street, and vanished at last around a corner, leaving an eddy of twitterpation in his wake. I then proceeded to the SIFF Press Office, where I screamed something like “OH MY GOD! I JUST RAN INTO FUCKING ROBIN WILLIAMS ON THE STREET!” to everyone in the room, and they very kindly did not have me arrested as a crazy person. For which I thank them. I thank them sincerely.

One of these accounts is perfectly accurate. Which one? I’ll never tell.

But it was the first one. Word.

They are desperate, Ellen DeGeneres’ people. Desperate, desperate, desperate! Also, they are knee-jerkers. Transparent over-reactors. And so forth.

As I think I might have reported earlier, some bitter fat chick who harasses retarded pregnant women (even though some of the bitches really fucking have it coming) perched her fat and bitter ass upon a mountaintop last week and yelled to the world this terrible secret: Ellen DeGeneres avoids discussing hers or anyone else’s huge gayness on her talk show because the producers of said talk show force her. Not to. Talk about her huge gayness ever. On her show. Whatever.

Sensitive to the fat and assy criticisms, the producers or somebody immediately maneuvered to deflect them by dyking the show up with Cameron Diaz’s BIG NAKED BOOBY. Observe:

Whoa! DYKEY! BOOBY! That's Ellen!

In somehow related news, I know someone who has probably touched Justin Timberlake’s erect penis! And it's not a boy! Dammit!

It’s a terrible responsibility, such knowledge. Such power. And a lonely one. Hold me. I'm serious.

In conclusion, none of this keeps me from loving Ellen like a mother and wishing my face could be Justin Timberlake’s underwear for just ten minutes. Thank you.

Yes, maybe Ellen went just a little “dyke overboard!” when she flew screaming from the closet way back in 1492, and she junked up her then sitcom with rainbow flags and big gay issues accordingly. The show, of course, soon tanked. But have you noticed on her NEW show—the talk show, of course---that she seems mummer than mum’s mums when it comes to any and all donut rubbing whatsoever? That she addresses her lesbianisms almost not at all? (Baring the compulsive need to rub Jennifer Aniston’s feet whenever she’s on, naturally.) Have you noticed? Have you?

Well, I have, and I don't even watch the damn thing. And now there’s an explanation!

According to some horrible source called Rosie O’Donnell (who is also rumored to be a former closet case who overcompensates just a itsy bit), Ellen is FORCED not to talk about gays, gay things, gay stuff, gayness, homosexuality, homosexuals, and any and all pursuant homosexualia on her show in any capacity whatsoever by the producers/network/powers-that-be, who clearly fear she’ll start twirling rainbow pride tassels from her tits and biking around the studio with a Harley strapped to each foot should they let her off her leash. Apparently, they don't want another big alienating ratings disaster, like her old show.

Of course, Ellen’s repressive peeps have denied every word, and have just lately made Rosie detract her assertions. But liars fry in hell. So. Sad for them.

Who You Callin' DYKE?

On a day like today, with the sun glittering gloriously and Jerry Falwell dead, dead, DEAD (hooray!), it seems almost vulgar to bring up Whitney Houston. But I must. It’s simply the card I drew. It’s my dharma or whatever. Forgive me:

As you might have noticed (or probably not), the Houston Team has been scrambling hard to undo years of hard damage to the former Mrs. Brown’s reputation, liver, and complexion (she’s often been compared unfavorably to beef jerky--by ME) by ignoring the fact that they ever happened. The strategy would work perfectly, baring one flaw: Whitney is still a psychopathic whore. According to some very sourcey sources, Whitney was caught partying her purple pants off at some big celebrity shindig, and her poor, overworked peeps were forced to issue a terrible lie:

“Whitney is "straight as an arrow", according to her record label, refuting reports yesterday that she seemed to be in an altered state in the Bahamas last weekend."

Of course, liars burn in hell. In response to the totally true allegations, Miss Houston herself fell back on an old chestnut:

And no, I probably didn't crib that shit from Talk Soup. (Don’t you love that guy? The adorable host? Even though he’s going bald, bald, BALD? He’s from around here, you know. Reowr!) And, if you can believe it, I’m still getting these…

Hi Adrian, I realize everyone and their mother has seen Dave Matthews around town at some point since he moved here, but I just ran into him at the Seattle Center Fun Forest, with his 5-year old twin daughters Stella and Grace. Nobody seemed to notice him, but then again, the place was empty. (Maybe the only time he’d dare go there?) They just walked around, watching and laughing at the people on the rides. He looked both happy and tired! I have pictures, but I don't think you can print them without a release? Anyway, thought you should know!

Tim

Well Tim, my mother has never seen Dave Matthews. My mother wouldn't know Dave Matthews if he were dancing on the head of her Q-tip. Just so you know. Thanks for writing, though.

Lastly, in something that has been plaguing my mind for ages…

SNL’s Andy Samberg and The Stranger’s Eric Grandy…Secretly the same person?

No. Eric is funny and has bangin' hair. That is all.

Yes, Slog readers went to—Oh My GOD!---the mall, and, forgive me God, I sent them. A report!:

Dear Adrian, I went to the Federal Way Commons mall last night to see Sanjaya. I hate to report this, but he is not disappointing up close. Not at all. Ouch.

Sorry.
Betsy Wetsy

There you have it folks!: Sanjaya: Not disappointing up close! You heard it here first!

Thanks, Betsy!

In Other A.I. and Slightly Seattle Related Crap...

Blake Lewis: Brown? Blonde? I’d still ride his face!

It seems that Blake Lewis, a very probable big h’mo, is on the re-blonde after beaucoup bitching. (Hang in there.) Yes, Blake has re-blonded. He is a re-blonder. From TMZ or something:

Blake added blonde skunky streaks to his new brunette 'do this week, and angry "A.I." fans had a lot to do with it!

TMZ has learned that after the be-bopping boob revealed his darker shade last week, fans on blogs and websites (and Rosie on "The View") had nothing but negative things to say, which made Lewis question his decision. Do blondes have more fun? A reader on TMZ left the following comment: "And please tell Blake that going dark didn't work for Ashlee Simpson and it doesn't work for him either!!" Talk about career-enders!

A well-placed source tells TMZ that while Blake wasn't ready to go completely back to his dated frosted fiasco, he did add the blonde highlights as a compromise. A little dab'll do ya! Vote for me!

"Do these streaks make me look fat and gay?" Yes!

Or am I?

If you can't show up to shake his hair at his appearance at Seattle Center on Friday, fret not!

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Sanjaya...at the mall...today!!!

Former Idol Contestant Set To Come Home.

The American Idol finalist from Federal Way who got more attention for his hair than his singing will appear at a local mall this week.

Sanjaya Malakar is supposed to sign autographs at The Commons at Federal Way Wednesday, May 9, 2007.

If the welcome home party goes as planned, Sanjaya will be at the mall at 4 in the afternoon greeting the public at Macy's Courtyard.

From, sadly, QI3. Forgive me.

Tammy Faye Baker is not long for this world. She posted this note on her website today...

The doctors have stopped trying to treat the cancer and so now it's up to God and my faith. And that's enough! But please continue to pray for the pain and sick stomach. My precious daughter, Tammy Sue, and her wonderful friends are staying with me while Roe builds churches. They don't want me falling down the stairs. I am down weight wise to 65 pounds, and look like a scarecrow. I need God's miracle to swallow. To those of you who are suffering as I....."don't give up"!! Make up your mind you're going to LIVE !! That is NOT EASY! The path gets so long. I look at young people and wish with all my heart for just one day of 'feeling great'. You see, God gives out his promises, they do not lie, they do not fail. We do not have to BEG him for them, they are FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Man, that sucks. I genuinely feel bad for Tammy Faye--which is remarkable.

When I was a young homo and Jim and Tammy Faye Baker were the country's best known evangelical Christians--and, as it turned out, flock-fleecing charlatans--I hated them both, and with a passion. I hated them like I hated Ronald Reagan. But when Reagan finally got around to passing away... damned if he hadn't outlived the anger I felt for him. Same with Tammy Faye. After her husband's fall from grace (and felony convictions, and imprisonment), Tammy Faye became a bit more human.
Then she morphed into her camp phase and, well, she just an old goof in too much mascara. After she no longer had any real power, and no power to harm, I was able to recognize her as something close to human. Hating Tammy Faye became a waste of time and a misuse of my energy. She had outlived my anger, just like Reagan.

Gee... it makes me wonder if one day, when George W. Bush is out of office... no longer has the power to harm... on his deathbed... maybe... no. No way.

Impossible.

Via Towleroad.

Earlier today, I slogged about Paris Hilton's plans to beg Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger to pardon her from her 45-day jail sentence, armed with the "Free Paris Hilton!" internet petition.

Thanks to Slog commenter Meh, I now know that concerned parties can make their voices heard by signing the "Don't Free Paris Hilton" petition.

You know what to do.

Facing a judge today over his DUI arrest, George Michael said:

"I am perfectly aware that I did something very wrong and got into my car when I was unfit to drive. I was not in my normal physical state and I'm perfectly prepared to accept the correct punishment for that and I would have accepted it a long time ago. It was fairly predictable considering how much work I had done that week."

Sentenced to 45 days in jail for breaking probation after her DUI arrest, Paris Hilton plans to beg Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger for a pardon, via a petition which reads in part:

We, the American public who support Paris, are shocked, dismayed and appalled by how Paris has been the person to be used as an example that Drunk Driving is wrong. We do not support drunk driving or DUI charges. Paris should have been sober. But she shouldn't go to jail, either. She provides hope for young people all over the U.S. and the world. She provides beauty and excitement to (most of) our otherwise mundane lives.

Paris Hilton: Making George Michael Look Classy Since 2007™.

Talk about ending the week on a good note! PARIS HILTON is going to jail! After being pulled over for alcohol-related reckless driving, the judge considered that a violation of her parole and sentenced her to 45 days in a Lynwood women's correctional facility. Even better?

Hilton, who parlayed her name and relentless partying into worldwide notoriety, must go to jail on June 5 and she will not be allowed any work release, furloughs, use of an alternative jail or any electronic monitoring in lieu of jail, Superior Court Judge Michael T. Sauer ruled after a hearing.

You may start your "Paris Goes to Prison" jokes… NOW!!

Bruce Willis said that the above photographer he took with Vanity Fair wasn't hard at all. He said that he has no problem seeing his old wife, Demi Moore, "canoodling" with her new husband, Ashton Kutcher. The picture was taken in the Caribbean on just one of many family vacays.

Not hard at all? I'm not convinced Bruce wasn't rock hard when this picture was taken. Bruce's comfort level with this younger, studlier guy doing his wife--okay, his ex-wife--is starting to look like a full-blown cuckold fetish to me.

Oh, DEAR!

Rumors have been swirling this morning that rapresario Jay-Z ( aka Sean Carter) was in a plane crash this morning.

Not worried? Wait! It's gets worse!

TMZ has confirmed that a small plane registered to a citizen of Dublin, GA crashed near Asheville, NC in the Smoky Mountains. The FAA tells TMZ that the four-seat propeller plane did go down this morning, but could not provide any additional details.

And according to sources creepy and unnameable, Jay-Z has allegedly chartered exactly such a plane, and when last heard from, he was en route to Vegas to watch some manly sporting event thingy that I don't know anything about.

Horrors!

Is Jay-Z alive? Is he not alive? Was he on that damn plane at all? And what does Sanjaya think about all this?

Hang in there, Jay-Z! The rescue party's a-comin'!

I hope.

UPDATE!

The terrible rumor is but a terrible rumor. And don't be smug little haters about it either, please. I was genuinely concerned. (He owes me a back rub.) And Jay-Z not being a twisted burning corpse is a GOOD thing.

Right?

Haters.

Ooh...I wonder if poor Sanjaya will cry when he finds out...

City of Bothell to Proclaim April 11 as “Blake Lewis Day”

Bothell, Wash. – In honor of American Idol finalist and Bothell citizen Blake Lewis, the City of Bothell will proclaim April 11 as “Blake Lewis Day.” The special presentation will be made at the April 10 Council meeting (begins at 6 p.m. at the City of Bothell Municipal Court, 10116 NE 183rd Street, Bothell). Mayor Mark Lamb will present the proclamation to Lewis’ parents, Dallas and Dinah Lewis.

“Bothell’s Blake Lewis has brought positive community spirit to this region by sharing his talent and ambition with the world,” said City of Bothell Mayor Mark Lamb. “The City of Bothell commends Blake and his family on his tremendous achievements and we wish him the very best on American Idol and all his future endeavors. I also hereby extend an invitation to Blake to perform at the City of Bothell Music in the Park summer concert series!”

The City of Bothell thanks The Blaker Girls, Lewis’ official fan club, and the Northshore School District for their help in coordinating support for “Blake Lewis Day” in Bothell. Visit blakergirls.com for viewing parties and other supporting events for Lewis and nsd.org for district information.

Welp, I guess Blake Day was April 11th. Did you miss it? I missed it. Did you get a card?

I didn't get a card.

Happy Belated Blake Day!

A terrible and too revealing amateur video has been released by something called ET that features David Hasselhoff (who is nothing but Patrick Swayze sans the dancey-dancey, let's face it) as drunk as two fiddler’s bitches fighting over a liver in a bucket of gin. In it, he is rolling around on the floor half naked and trying to eat a hamburger.

The horrible video was shot by Hasselhoff’s poor 16-year-old daughter, and, most weirdly and horribly of all, the video shoot was allegedly PRESHCEDULED, David having asked his daughter way ahead of time to film him the next time he got shitfaced so he could apparently watch the video as a preventative measure against future inclinations to do really stupid shit like get shitfaced, roll around half naked on the floor, try to eat a hamburger, and preschedule one’s 16-year-old daughter to tape it.

In the video, Taylor begs her father to stop drinking, saying, "Dad, look what this is doing to you. You have to stop drinking alcohol, promise me you won't drink anymore. They're going to come tomorrow and test you, and you're going to lose your job."

While allegedly soberer, David released this statement:

"I am a recovering alcoholic. Despite that, I have been going through a painful divorce and I have recently been separated from my children due to my work. I have been successfully dealing with my issue. Unfortunately, I did have a brief relapse. Because of my honest and positive relationship with my children, who were concerned for my well-being, there was a tape made when I had a relapse to show me what I was like. I have seen the tape. I have learned from it, and I am back on my game. I thank God for the love and concern from my children. The tape made by my children was never meant to become public, but was obviously released by my estranged wife, who has her own agenda. I hope that someone else will learn form this tape, as I have."

Tonight's American Idol eliminations are happening RIGHT NOW...this second! And the smarmy closet dweller known as Ryan Seacrest or something just just JUST announced it.....

IT'S DOWN TO CHRIS....OR (hold me) our own darling BLAKE LEWIS!

Do you hear me? CHRIS or BLAKE!!!

You understand what this means...if we lose the sole remaining Seattle-ish A.I. hopeful, we got nothin'....if gorgeous Chris Richardson gets the axe...well, that might suck relatively less, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't trade grandma's coffin to alternatively hug the stuffing out of him and live in his underwear.

WHAT will happen??? WHO will survive?

We'll know...after the fucking break!!

It's like Sophie's fucking Choice here. I feel like I'm chosing between my hand and my other hand. You know what I mean.

PEOPLE! I CAN'T STAND IT!

Super Live UPDATE!

Ooh! OOOH! Blake just said that he and Chris are "BEST FRIENDS" (oooohhhh!) and they KEEP HUGGING!!!!

I am going to explode....

Super Live UPDATE, UPDATE...

And people...

BLAKE SURVIVES!

You heard it here first. I have to go lie down.

I wonder what Sanjaya's doing...

Federal Way, Washington, like Bethlehem, was blessed in all the world to have produced a very special and magical little someone, for all the world to adore. Unlike Bethlehem, however, (hang in there) Federal Way is full of a bunch of really jealous and rude bitches that can’t boast the good sense to celebrate the homecoming of their most celebrated son. Yes, Sanjaya has returned home, and apparently home really doesn’t give a crap.

City officials in Federal Way, Wash. - a suburb of Seattle - won't give the "American Idol" phenomenon his own day or a parade - or even a cardboard key to the city.

Good lord! Not even a fucking cardboard key? To a fucking SUBURB?

"Federal Way has more important things to deal with, and unless a council member tried to push through a proclamation, then that 'Idol' wannabe should not expect a similar honor," town manager Neal Beets told a local TV station just before Malakar, 17, was voted off "Idol."

Well. As long as Federal Way has “more important things” to worry about than giving poor Sanjaya a cardboard key to their suburb. Why, they have to...umm...uhhh...they've got...errr...uhhh....they have to...ummm...push some proclamations through apparently, and...umm...where is Federal Way again?

Bunch of jealous bitches. That's what they all are.

Love him, you jealous bitches! LOVE HIM!