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Tuesday, May 15, 2007

How Crooked Is Your Arrow?

posted by on May 15 at 15:46 PM

On a day like today, with the sun glittering gloriously and Jerry Falwell dead, dead, DEAD (hooray!), it seems almost vulgar to bring up Whitney Houston. But I must. It’s simply the card I drew. It’s my dharma or whatever. Forgive me:

As you might have noticed (or probably not), the Houston Team has been scrambling hard to undo years of hard damage to the former Mrs. Brown’s reputation, liver, and complexion (she’s often been compared unfavorably to beef jerky—by ME) by ignoring the fact that they ever happened. The strategy would work perfectly, baring one flaw: Whitney is still a psychopathic whore. According to some very sourcey sources, Whitney was caught partying her purple pants off at some big celebrity shindig, and her poor, overworked peeps were forced to issue a terrible lie:

“Whitney is “straight as an arrow”, according to her record label, refuting reports yesterday that she seemed to be in an altered state in the Bahamas last weekend.”

Of course, liars burn in hell. In response to the totally true allegations, Miss Houston herself fell back on an old chestnut:

And no, I probably didn’t crib that shit from Talk Soup. (Don’t you love that guy? The adorable host? Even though he’s going bald, bald, BALD? He’s from around here, you know. Reowr!) And, if you can believe it, I’m still getting these…

Hi Adrian, I realize everyone and their mother has seen Dave Matthews around town at some point since he moved here, but I just ran into him at the Seattle Center Fun Forest, with his 5-year old twin daughters Stella and Grace. Nobody seemed to notice him, but then again, the place was empty. (Maybe the only time he’d dare go there?) They just walked around, watching and laughing at the people on the rides. He looked both happy and tired! I have pictures, but I don’t think you can print them without a release? Anyway, thought you should know!

Tim

Well Tim, my mother has never seen Dave Matthews. My mother wouldn’t know Dave Matthews if he were dancing on the head of her Q-tip. Just so you know. Thanks for writing, though.

Lastly, in something that has been plaguing my mind for ages…

SNL’s Andy Samberg and The Stranger’s Eric GrandySecretly the same person?

bios_andy1.jpgEric.jpg

No. Eric is funny and has bangin’ hair. That is all.

RSS icon Comments

1

Un-bold, yo.

And Eric Grandy is way prettier than Andy Samberg.

Posted by Aislinn | May 15, 2007 3:59 PM
2

I could swear I saw Ms. Houston's legs hanging out of a dumpster, like, a week ago. Huh. Guess not.

Posted by Mr. Poe | May 15, 2007 4:01 PM
3

Open bold tag is open

Posted by The CHZA | May 15, 2007 4:10 PM
4

Ugh, I have not been that sweaty (not from drugs!) in months. But then, summer's just around the corner...

Posted by Eric Grandy | May 15, 2007 4:27 PM
5

damn. eric is cute.

Posted by konstantConsumer | May 15, 2007 5:03 PM
6

Eric Grandy or Andy Samberg?
Eric Grandy or Andy Samberg?
Eric Grandy or Andy Samberg?
Decisions Decisions.

Eric Grandy AND Andy Samberg? Now that's what I'm talkin' bout.

But seriously, both of em need a comb. And while I have nothing against a mop top, in fact I like it, but Samberg seriously needs to do something about that "Al Franken circa 1978" fluff on his head. He looks like freakin' Lucy Ricardo (but not that sweet sweet face, no, that's still hot).

Posted by Brandon H | May 15, 2007 5:29 PM
7

I'VE BEEN THINKING THAT FOR A YEAR! you know the whole bizarro world thing? if there was a Jew world version of that, Sanberg is the Jew World Grandy.
He should straighten his hair and they should do a patty duke show together.

Posted by calamitypositive | May 15, 2007 6:09 PM
8

Thank you for gleefully celebrating the death of that fucker Falwell!


Posted by K X One | May 15, 2007 7:08 PM
9

Who cares - another mouth-breathing meth-face on your staff, big whoop. The real question is where did the woman who was slogging about the NBA go? Her posts were good. Can't remember her name though.

Posted by Alec Empire | May 15, 2007 7:28 PM
10

Eric Grandy kinda looks like Don Knotts peaking on acid in this photo! And combovers are bangin'?Nice!

Posted by Aunt Bea | May 15, 2007 7:29 PM
11

Actually Eric and I had a bet on who could go the longest without washing their hair. Grandy obvioulsy wins. Congrats, Eric!

And the woman's name is Angela Garbes. Best not forget it.

Posted by Paulus | May 15, 2007 7:42 PM
12

Why are you posting pictures of Rex Smith?

Posted by Gurps | May 15, 2007 9:22 PM
13

Why are you posting pictures of Rex Smith?

Posted by Gurps | May 15, 2007 9:22 PM
14

If Eric cut his hair all short preppy he'd be a pretty spot on ringer for Martin Landau circa 'North by Northwest". But I'm sure Eric is a better dancer.

Posted by nomi malone | May 15, 2007 9:57 PM
15

i don't think eric and andy look alike. they probably don't smell alike either (jk,love ya, brother)

Posted by erin | May 15, 2007 11:53 PM
16
Posted by amERICa | May 16, 2007 12:57 AM
17

Super Sharpie!

Posted by Mr. Poe | May 16, 2007 8:22 AM
18

We should get someone to book Andy Samberg at Sing Sing, get everybody excited for a party-dance-party, then have Grandy come out pretending to be Samberg, then blog a lot about if it was really Samberg or a fake. That would be funny.


And @ Alec Empire: can I use "mouth-breathing meth-face" as the name of my next band? Thanks!

Posted by Matt Fuckin' Hickey | May 16, 2007 12:41 PM
19

Yeah Matt! And then, we can make a website about what Andy Samberg's mission is and in the photos section we can use pictures of him, Eric, AND Eric Lashes just to really amp up the conspiracy/confusion. Whoa whoa. Then, someone else from the Stranger can write a letter to Andy/Grandy about what the hell is going on and Grandy can write back in the style of this disconbobulated monster! http://lineout.thestranger.com/2007/04/the_last_word_from_andrew_wk
So, so meta. Don't we all really just hope to choose to feel love?

Posted by Callie | May 16, 2007 12:51 PM
20

Dude. That's it. Eric, you are no longer "DJ Fucking In The Streets". You are now "DJ Grandy Samberg". Duh.

Posted by Matt Fuckin' Hickey | May 16, 2007 12:55 PM
21

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