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Monday, June 4, 2007

Um, Okay, I Feel Bad for the Bitch Now!

posted by on June 4 at 13:19 PM

Mr. (Ms?) Wm. Steven Humphreyô earlier queried quite a query. Basically, it was something like this: Do you feel sorry for Paris fucking Hilton, now that sheís slammered away? DO YOU? Can you muster a drip of compassion for the bleach-blond bag of money-dipped-in-sperm? And if you didnít feel the tinniest twinge of sad for her before, do you NOW—-after watching that horrible video that he posted of Sarah Silverman at the MTV VMAs or whatever? Do you? DO YOU???

Well I fucking do. Now.

Some perspective: When I was thirteen like Paris is or whatever, goodness knows, I certainly snorted my share of coke from the huge hard cocks of many anonymous black men and various relatively interested bystanders. I wasnít even a billionaire yet. So itís not like I canít empathize. (Hey, weíve all been there.) Of course I never, EVER, drink (or lie), and I didnít learn to drive until just last Tuesday. And Iíve forgotten that gain already. So luckily Paris and I donít have the DUI thing in common. Thank God. Knock wood.

But, see, I simply canít abide rudeness. Cannot. Fucking. Abide. It. Sure, sheís going to jail, it will probably (forgive me) do her some good (lesbian sex is expansive for the soul), but really Iím very British about the situation. As is the tradition of all good Brittishers or whatever (I AM half British, you understand. The other half is Irish, and thatís the half that doesnít drink or lie) Iíd sledgehammer your children to death in their beds, but Iíd never be rude to your face. Ergo, I feel sorry for Paris. The entire VMA or whatever audience applauded and cheered her pending incarceration—-Jack Nicholson practically shat himself ——and she was SITTING RIGHT THERE. My God. RIGHT THERE!

And now…well. Et tu, Madame Taussauds?

0604_paris_jailbird_startraks.jpg


RUDE RUDE RUDE RUDE RUDE! I CANíT STAND IT!

So. Now I feel sorry for Paris Hilton. I never wanted to feel sorry for God damn Paris Hilton. I donít WANT to feel sorry for God damn Paris fucking-slut-bag-coke-whore-money-up-the-greasy-twat-evil-stuck- up-biznatch Hilton. But now I do. I blame Sarah Silverman.

Fuck the fuck you,
Silverman!

RSS icon Comments

1

I like Sarah. Paris deserves it, as will Lindsay (who I've met).

Consequences.

Posted by Will in Seattle | June 4, 2007 1:34 PM
2

i agree with adrian.
no one deserves that sort of rudeness. sarah silverman was mean and vulgar and not the least bit funny.
hell. i hate paris hilton. but, you know, she's still human.

Posted by e | June 4, 2007 1:41 PM
3

Here, you can send her a card:



Paris Hilton #9818783

Century Regional Detention Facility

11705 S. Alameda Street

Lynwood, CA 90262





The following items are not allowed to be received through the mail:




-Food or cosmetic items

-Stationery, blank envelopes, envelopes with metal clasps, postage stamps, envelops with gang or suggestive drawings/art work

-Cash, personal or second party checks, travelerís checks, payroll checks

-A single money order exceeding the $200 limit

-Blank money orders (money orders must be signed and made payable to the inmate)

-Non U.S. Post Office out-of-state money orders (out-of-state money orders must be from the U.S. Post Office)

-Musical, plastic, plastic covered, blank, greeting or post cards larger than 6Ēx9Ē

-Identification card or facsimiles

-Paper clips, staples, pens, pencils, glitter, stickers, glued or gummed labels

-Rosary beads, balloons, string bracelets, or other jewelry items

-Lottery tickets or prepaid telephone cards

-Cellophane tape or any type of tape on letters

Posted by something else | June 4, 2007 1:45 PM
4

But a dildo is OK?

Posted by elswinger | June 4, 2007 1:47 PM
5

1.) Paris Hilton deserves the worst, period.

2.) Sarah Silverman is not funny, and her show sucks hard dark green shit in hell.

3.) Paris Hilton deserves the worst, period.

4.) I have never snorted coke off of a hard black penis, and now I am jealous.

5.) Paris Hilton deserves the worst, period.

Posted by Mr. Poe | June 4, 2007 1:49 PM
6

So on the eve of her public shaming she decides to attend the VMAs?
What exactly did she expect? Sympathy? Deference?

I actually thought Silverman let her off easy.

Posted by dirge | June 4, 2007 1:49 PM
7

@ 3: i haven't laughed so hard since the dog dragging his ass thing david posted earlier. tahnk you.

Posted by adrian! | June 4, 2007 1:50 PM
8

@5
Whatever you think Paris deserves, Mr. Poe, her life is a thousand times better than your unremarkable existence.

Posted by Sean | June 4, 2007 2:07 PM
9

Damn, Sean, that's just cruel.

Posted by Jeff | June 4, 2007 2:09 PM
10

You've got to be kidding me, feel sorry for Paris Hilton? Give me a break....Sarah Silverman nailed her and it was great. And yes, Sarah Silverman is funny.

Posted by Sally Struthers Lawnchair | June 4, 2007 2:15 PM
11

Wait, why does Paris deserve the worst? For being blond? Female? Rich? Please, you'll have to do better than that.

At least Paris is a successful entrepreneur who is earning her own money through her own ventures. She's not boot-strapping it or anything, but most of her idle-rich peers are loafing around all-day while this girl is working it. Plus, her whole persona is essentially manufactured, something she has stated to the press.

If you want to be pissed off at a cultural phenomenon, go for the militay-industrial complex that's REALLY screwing up this world.

*jump off soapbox*

Posted by wait | June 4, 2007 2:15 PM
12

schadenfreude is SHAMEFUL joy in the misery of others. you're not supposed to feel good about feeling it.

i hope Paris gets out of jail, teams up with Lindsay & Britney, & saves the planet from itself by repeatedly snorting coke off my slightly-above-average, but very attractively shaped hard white penis.

Posted by maxsolomon | June 4, 2007 2:26 PM
13

I have to ask: If you're Paris Hilton, why would you show up to the VMAs right before going to jail, with Sarah fucking Silverman onstage? Isn't that asking for trouble?

Some things in life can be predicted. If she didn't come prepared to have the piss taken out of her, she should have stayed home.

Then again, asking for trouble is what Paris does best.

Posted by Matthew | June 4, 2007 2:40 PM
14

Nope, still don't feel sorry for her.

She'll still be a vapid whore when she gets out.
She will still mock others less fortunate that herself.
She'll still think paying a homeless guy $100 to allow having a thirsty-two ouncer of soda to be poured on him is funny.
She'll have no problem spreading gossip about her "friends".

No... no pity.

Posted by monkey | June 4, 2007 2:46 PM
15

well, you know what you are going to get when you hire sarah silverman to do a show. i think she's hilarious, though i certainly can see why many people, particularly those older, hate her.

Posted by konstantConsumer | June 4, 2007 2:56 PM
16

I feel just as sorry for her as I do about Falwell's death and subsequent hell burning.

As far as Sarah goes, I do agree that what she did was borderline shitty ... but then again, I'm still pissed at her for her disappearing act three bands into Sasquatch.

Posted by GW2 | June 4, 2007 3:16 PM
17

@8

You do realize how ridiculous you sound, don't you?

The only two things Paris Hilton has excelled in are being vain, and being a useless selfish whore.

Oh, and fuck you.

Posted by Mr. Poe | June 4, 2007 3:58 PM
18

Mr. Poe, I second the motion.

And to #8, the only thing worse than an "unremarkable existence", is an unremarkable existence with your head firmly planted up Paris Hilton's ass.

Grow a brain and stop being such a tool.

Posted by Griff | June 4, 2007 5:58 PM
19

I have a very good friend in jail right now, and given the overall mental anguish I've gone through over the past weeks seeing his arrest on the news and watching his court dates inch closer, I should feel sorry for Paris.

Thing is, I don't.

Paris Hilton has zero--zero!--redeeming qualities that she has ever displayed in public. She lives off the attention of the American public that should be devoted elsewhere--to, oh, I don't know, the fucking WAR. She broke the law, and dammit, if my friend--a wonderful person who needs mental treatment, not prison--could get life, then a little insult added to the injury of a woman who personifies the worst American culture has to offer is small potatoes, but is certainly justified.

Posted by Kay | June 4, 2007 6:26 PM
20

You are, without a doubt, a moron.

Posted by Patrick | June 4, 2007 6:33 PM
21

Patrick,

If you are referrring to post #19, I agree completely.

Here's the things about pieces of shit facing 20 years.

They deserve it.

Posted by Dead on.... | June 4, 2007 6:55 PM
22

Dude--we're talking mental illness here. This guy needs help.

Posted by Kay | June 4, 2007 8:54 PM
23


Me thinks wait#11 has the best point of all. just to reiterate.

Wait, why does Paris deserve the worst? For being blond? Female? Rich? Please, you'll have to do better than that.

At least Paris is a successful entrepreneur who is earning her own money through her own ventures. She's not boot-strapping it or anything, but most of her idle-rich peers are loafing around all-day while this girl is working it. Plus, her whole persona is essentially manufactured, something she has stated to the press.

If you want to be pissed off at a cultural phenomenon, go for the militay-industrial complex that's REALLY screwing up this world.

*jump off soapbox"

Posted by summertime | June 5, 2007 9:03 AM
24

#11 & #23

Paris deserves to do the time, because she did the crime. period.

The real question you should be asking yourself is why SHOULDN'T she be doing the time...? Because she's famous? blonde? attractive? rich?

Think about what it says about this country when we give the upper class special privileges... I know it happens, but that doesn't mean I have agree with it.

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25

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26

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27

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28


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29

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30

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31

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32

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33


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