A terrible and too revealing amateur video has been released by something called ET that features David Hasselhoff (who is nothing but Patrick Swayze sans the dancey-dancey, let’s face it) as drunk as two fiddler’s bitches fighting over a liver in a bucket of gin. In it, he is rolling around on the floor half naked and trying to eat a hamburger.

The horrible video was shot by Hasselhoff’s poor 16-year-old daughter, and, most weirdly and horribly of all, the video shoot was allegedly PRESHCEDULED, David having asked his daughter way ahead of time to film him the next time he got shitfaced so he could apparently watch the video as a preventative measure against future inclinations to do really stupid shit like get shitfaced, roll around half naked on the floor, try to eat a hamburger, and preschedule one’s 16-year-old daughter to tape it.

In the video, Taylor begs her father to stop drinking, saying, “Dad, look what this is doing to you. You have to stop drinking alcohol, promise me you won’t drink anymore. They’re going to come tomorrow and test you, and you’re going to lose your job.”

While allegedly soberer, David released this statement:

“I am a recovering alcoholic. Despite that, I have been going through a painful divorce and I have recently been separated from my children due to my work. I have been successfully dealing with my issue. Unfortunately, I did have a brief relapse. Because of my honest and positive relationship with my children, who were concerned for my well-being, there was a tape made when I had a relapse to show me what I was like. I have seen the tape. I have learned from it, and I am back on my game. I thank God for the love and concern from my children. The tape made by my children was never meant to become public, but was obviously released by my estranged wife, who has her own agenda. I hope that someone else will learn form this tape, as I have.”