Here's the thing about American Idol: It's designed to suck. A weekly televised karaoke contest, where the competitors are forced into themes (country week! "inspirational" week!) and crappy tie-in car commercials, is designed by God to make me wince.

However, I am an American, and so I watch, sometimes, and once or twice I've been struck by how Idol's vacuum of creativity creates a most interesting platform for those rare competitors-with-ideas to shine.

Case in point #1: Fantasia, who blew minds and secured her triumph on whatever season of Idol she was on by plopping her barefoot ass down on the stage to belt out a Gershwin tune.

Case in point #2: Last night's performance by the crown prince of Bothell Blake Lewis, who performed a percussion-infused rendition of Bon Jovi's "You Give Love a Bad Name" that, amazingly, did not make me want to die. Props to the Idol contestant confident enough to sacrifice singing time to make weird noises with his mouth. Go Blake!

..no matter what Adrian says below.

Some want to help us learn and grow.

Ladies, gentlemen, Showgirls fans: Ask Elizabeth!

(FYI to those wondering about the double surname: Elizabeth Berkley is married to Ralph Lauren's son. Also, don't let my flip introduction to Berkeley's website read as condemnation of its contents. Clearly "Ask Elizabeth!" has its heart in the right place and is a force for good. Nevertheless, Berkley's progression from TV's Saved by the Bell to Verhoeven's Saved by the Pole to her own Saved by Self-Esteem is too juicy to ignore.)

(Thanks to the blessedly returned Hot Tipper Jake.)

Today dawns legally contentious for the famous as the long and punitive arm of the law reaches to ensnare a herd of fresh celebrity fuck-ups, each spotlighted for new peccadilloes. These included, but are not limited to:

Hugh Grant!
Sore whores, relax! Hugh has been arrested for assault with a deadly legume. He lost his cool British temper at some dude that was following him around with a camera, and retaliated by hucking a Tupperware container full of his limey beans at the poor guy’s head. He also reportedly pranced up and kicked him in the knee like a little girl. No official charges have been filed. Yet.

Richard Gere!
Gerbils, relax! (Sorry.) Richard is wanted in India for kissing (a woman, ahem) in public. There has actually been a warrant filed for his arrest. Indians are apparently so offended by kissing (women, ahem) in public that angry and very prude crowds burned the almost-60-year-old actor in effigy in three major cities. Which is the least he deserves.

Snoop!
Snoop is not wanted in Australia. He overstayed his visa in February and has been refused reentry into the country. (They say his extensive rap sheet also might have had something to do with it.) And did I ever tell you about the time I rubbed his shoulders? I love that story.

Tyra!
Tyra Banks dine-'n-dashed on her $100 lunch bill at a New York restaurant. The New York Daily news tattled on her, so she got all embarrassed and went back and paid and claimed it was an accident. But everybody knows she’s lying. You know it. I know it. Everybody knows it. Fucking liar.

Eve!
Eve wrecked her car in L.A., and has been arrested on suspicion of drunk-driving. Sean Penn offered to bail her out. I wonder where he got the money. He owes me 10 bucks.

Creepy Bean Thrower!

Did you miss him at the White House? On Letterman? Singing "Besame Mucho" (ugh) on Regis and That Spastic Blonde Chick? Do you, like millions, have difficulty expressing the depth of your feelings for the world's greatest American Idol loser? Well, despair not even a little! There're a gazillion easy ways out there to say, "I want to (bleep) you, Sanjaya!" Choose from classic rainbow thong:

Burning infant body suit...

Or wag your Sanjay-a-ffection to the world with every flop in your boxers!

Available now at Cafe Press!

Yesterday, I was indifferent to Sheryl Crow. Today I have learned to loathe her.

First, there's the Rove incident that Dan posted earlier:

In his attempt to dismiss us, Mr. Rove turned to head toward his table, but as soon as he did so, Sheryl reached out to touch his arm. Karl swung around and spat, "Don't touch me." How hardened and removed from reality must a person be to refuse to be touched by Sheryl Crow? Unfazed, Sheryl abruptly responded, "You can't speak to us like that, you work for us." Karl then quipped, "I don't work for you, I work for the American people." To which Sheryl promptly reminded him, "We are the American people."

Ugh. That awful, presumptuous twit.

Then there are these selections from the quotable Crow, as reported today by the BBC:

I have spent the better part of this tour trying to come up with easy ways for us all to become a part of the solution to global warming. Although my ideas are in the earliest stages of development, they are, in my mind, worth investigating...

I propose a limitation be put on how many squares of toilet paper can be used in any one sitting. Only one square per restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions where two to three could be required.

In her war against paper napkins, Crow has also designed a clothing line with a "dining sleeve."

How removed from reality must a person be to think grown-ups will want to wipe their mouths with their sleeves?

Stupid Sheryl Crow.

Guess who's sticking up for this man:

Are you ready?

Today on The View (my favorite show that I've never seen) Rosie declared that Imus's "nappy headed ho's" comments were, and should be, protected free speech:

JAMIE-LYNN SIGLER: I think people who have a public voice just need to be conscious then of what they’re saying and the effect that it can have and understand that there’s going to be consequences if they say things like that.

O’DONNELL: Right, you just worry if the consequences, you know --

BEHAR: Because you could be next.

O’DONNELL: -impede upon- which is all right. If that happens, it happens. But the point of the story is, if it impedes on free speech in America, democracy is at stake. Because democracy is based on freedom of speech and freedom of the press. So we really have to worry about that in this country.

[Applause]

HASSELBECK: And we should be concerned and responsible without freedom too.

O’DONNELL: Right, but it’s not a freedom if you outlaw certain words or thoughts, because then the thought police come and then before you know it, everyone’s in Guantanamo Bay without representation.

Unfortunately I haven't found any video of the conversation but I'll post it if I do.

Via Newsbusters

Find out on Line Out.

Posted by Jonah Spangenthal-Lee

Now that I have your attention:
my second favorite quote of the day comes from a This Is London article which criticizes John Travolta for his environmentally damaging lifestyle.
JT (as he's known around the office) provides his own unique solution to global warming, stating:

"I'm wondering if we need to think about other planets and dome cities."

That is all.

Fox says so!

The International Herald Tribune says not!

Plans to build a 50-foot, laser-equipped Michael Jackson robot which would roam the Nevada desert continue apace.

We're doomed.

Anna Nicole Smith died of an accidental drug overdose.

But who knew about her near-fatal butt trouble?

Smith had also been receiving injections of drugs in her buttocks. On the Monday before she died, a blood infection from one of those injections caused a 105-degree fever. Smith's friends asked her to go to the hospital to treat the fever, but she refused. "A fever of 105 is life-threatening," Broward County Medical Examiner Dr. Joshua Perper said, "but she refused and she's not a child — she has the right to refuse and the people around determined that she had the capability to make such a decision. If she had gone to the hospital, I think that yes, she would have had a chance of survival."

Full grim story here.

The well-named Media Take Out is hyping what is certainly the Paris Hilton rumor of the minute and the Cee-Lo rumor of the millennium: this photo, allegedly depiciting everyone's favorite celebrity heiress clutching the wang of the Goodie Mob/Gnarls Barkley star. (To see the completely NSFW unedited pic, click the relatively safe pic below.)

Alright. Clearly that's Paris, but could it really be Cee-Lo? Granted, it's unlikely Paris kneels before chubby dudes who aren't superstars with a brilliant track record for turning worthless hos into viable recording artists (Cee-Lo wrote "Dontcha" for the Pussycat Dolls) but until I see Cee-Lo's goofy smiling head atop that mound o' flesh the jury's still out...

Ugh. Sorry.

I am watching American Idol RIGHT NOW. I am almost completely sure that Paula Abdul is a little...glug, glug, glug... again. Somebody....please. HELP. HER.

Go here to see the naked Queen of England.

Britney Spears can kill anyone she wants! Britney Spears cuts off heads ALL the time and doesn't even think twice about it. This chick is so crazy and awesome that she flips out ALL the time. I heard that once Britney Spears was eating at a diner. And when some dude dropped a spoon Britney Spears killed the whole town.

More here.

Horror struck Hollywood today -- and in particular, the bikini model community -- when it was learned that everyone who attended the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue party held on Valentine's day may have been exposed to HEPATITUS A. According to TMZ.com, the L.A. County Board of Health announced that an employee of WOLFGANG PUCK (who was catering the event) has the disease and has potentially exposed and endangered much of the world's hottest bikini models... including BEYONCE who was featured on this year's cover! In order to avoid serious illness, everyone in attendance has been instructed to get an immune globulin shot by TOMORROW.
Sure, you may laugh now... but if those girls die, next year's Sports Illustrated covergirl may be TYRA BANKS by default. You're in our prayers, bikini models.

Those sneaky snoops at TMZ.com have dug up a new and interesting theory concerning the ongoing woes of BRITNEY SPEARS -- she could be suffering from post-partum depression. Sources say that doctors are also looking into the theory Britney may be bipolar (NOTE TO KEVIN: That is not the same as bisexual.) But don't worry, the docs aren't downplaying her drinking problems! Says the report...

As for substance abuse, as one source says, "No doubt about it - she likes to drink." But doctors believe the drinking is a way Spears has coped with a bigger problem.

We're told Britney, who is sticking it out at the Promises rehab facility in Malibu, is currently reading Brooke Shields' book, "Down Came the Rain," in which Shields reveals her battle with post-partum depression.

Hey Tom Cruise! That's your cue to start shit-talking the use of post-partum drugs! (Sigh... you can never find a Scientologist when you need one.)

Looks like George Lucas has turned to "the dark side":
However, his girlfriend, Mellody Hobson, is no gold digga. She is the president of Ariel Capital Management and made her own gold on Wall Street. May the force be with you Lucas. (Note: Those of us who are familiar with the dominant themes in post-colonial literary theory would have smiled a little smile if Hobson's company was called Caliban Capital Management.)

OK, I'm not much into celebrity news bullshit, but I don't think it's another sign of the Decadence of America--people chased after famous celebrities in ancient Athens, Imperial Rome, Renaissance Florence, Elizabethan London, Chicago in the '20s and other high times for Western culture. I don't care about celebrities, but I don't care that other people care.

Then I saw this headline, and I decided America is fucked.

As Anna Nicole decomposes, James Brown looking good

The lede, from our Modern Mencken, the AP's Katrina A. Goggins:

COLUMBIA, S.C. — While a medical examiner in Florida says Anna Nicole Smith's body is decomposing so rapidly that a public viewing may not be possible, the funeral director handling the still-unburied corpse of James Brown says the soul singer is looking good.

I mean WHAT THE FUCK? Our obsession with dead celebrities now extends to the relative condition of their rotting corpses? What kind of madness is this? What's next, Maggotcam and paparazzi robbing celebrity graves to prop the corpses up with their biggest fans, in unnatural necrophiliac embrace?

The sooner the End Times come and finish us all off, the better.

Have you seen this picture?

And this one?

If not, you can read the story about Britney's tirade with an umbrella -- or you can watch the VIDEO of Britney's tirade with an umbrella!
WARNING: This clip is NSFW for foul language and violence with a bumbershoot.
WARNING AGAIN: In certain parts the video is distressingly dark—which really adds to the "horror flick" vibe of this film. Okay… mentally prepare youself… and go ahead.

Question: 1) Why are all paparazzi foreign? It sounds like she's in Istanbul.

The drama continues: According to Florida's Local 6 News, the Broward County medical examiner has warned that Anna Nicole Smith's remains are decomposing more quickly than expected, potentially jeopardizing a public viewing.

The speedy decomposition is fascinating enough--is that what happens to bodies made primarily of methadone and silicone?--but the ongoing mystery of the urge to gawk at Anna Nicole's body is what really seizes my cerebral cortex.

After Anna Nicole Smith was found unconscious with a mouthful of vomit and soon pronounced dead, I was surprised by the number of straight men--smart, interesting straight men--who shared memories of "pulling one off" to images of Anna Nicole during their formative years. I remember when Anna was a gorgeous Guess model/Playboy Playmate, and I remember when she was a walking corpse with a sizey rack. Her reputation as an object of lust straddled both periods. Even when her insides were revealed to be muddled garbage, her basic shape--blonde locks, huge boobs--seemed to keep a measure of its allure. Which brought up a fascinating question: How empty, messy, and pathetic can a "sexy shape" be and still retain some sexual appeal?

Yesterday I got something of an answer, thanks to this video, slogged yesterday by Wm. Steven Humphrey, which proves once and for all that eroticizing Anna Nicole is the sexual equivalent of executing the retarded. The motives behind such an act may be understandable, but there's simply no way to do it with a clear conscience.

After a VERY short stint in a foreign rehabilitation facility last week -- less than 24 hours -- TMZ.com is claiming that Britney is heading back to rehab, right here in the good ol' USA! WHOOOOOO! USA! USA! USA!
Nobody kicks the shit out of drinking and drug addictions like AMERICA (just ask George W. Bush)!
Good luck Britney, and stay tuned for updates!

PLUS! Here's some truly frightning home video which ran on Fox News and depicts Anna Nicole Smith dressed as the creepiest clown I've ever seen. Even creepier? Her hubby Howard K. Stern repeatedly asking her if she's "on a mushroom trip." No, Howard... I'M ON THE MUSHROOM TRIP after seeing that video.

Thanks to Matt and Lance. SWEET DREAMS EVERYONE.

Thank you for your ingenuity, Kristopher.

The carnage left in the wake of Anna Nicole Smith continues to grow: Clearly distaught over being bumped from the headlines by another woman's corpse, Britney Spears reclaims her supremacy over the tabloids by shaving her own damn head in a San Fernando Valley tattoo shop.

On earth as it is in heaven.

UPDATE: Actually, Spears' shearing took place NOT in the San Fernando Valley tattoo shop but in a Tarzana hair salon Britney visited before getting tattooed in the Valley. ABC News has further details, including the heartbreaking pair of sentences Spears reportedly offered in reply to the salon employee who asked why the pop star was shaving her own head in a Tarzana hair salon: "I don't want anyone touching me. I'm tired of everybody touching me."

According to Extra, plummeting pop starlet BRITNEY SPEARS checked into rehab today... for less than 24 hours before checking back out, according to TMZ.com. (HEY. It only took three weeks of therapy to drive the gay out of pastor Ted Haggard, and Britney's problems—getting poop-faced, forgetting panties—aren't nearly as complicated.)

Extra says that Britney is currently at a rehabilitation facility in an undisclosed location, while TMZ just reported that the rehab is located outside the country, and she stayed less than a day before checking herself out again.

She probably realized the big difference between foreign rehabs and American ones; there they actually and cruelly make you STAY and deal with your problems, while the ones in the USA are more lenient and let you run out to get your Mercedes serviced, go to the grocery store, and drink booze with Paris Hilton. (Hi Lindsay! Hope you're doing better!)

I love this photo for its classic Tinseltown paparazzi steez. Here, she actually looks like she's worthy of attention!

Classy to the end and beyond: Anna Nicole Smith's reputation as a human gets worse by the minute, thanks to a variety of new allegations rounded up by TMZ.

According to this prescription, an L.A. doctor with whom Anna once attended a gay pride parade prescibed methadone to Michelle Chase, which TMZ reports is "an alias Anna Nicole used." According to this airbill, the prescription was filled at a pharmacy in the San Fernando Valley and mailed to Vicky Marshall—Anna Nicole's legal name—in the Bahamas that same day: August 25, 2006, thirteen days before Anna gave birth to daughter Dannielynn and fifteen days before son Daniel suffered a fatal methadone overdose.

According to these photos, the contents of the refrigerator in Anna Nicole's Bahama bedroom consisted of cans of Slim Fast, a bottle of spray butter, a bottle of Worcestershire Sauce, some yogurt, and a bunch of methadone. ("It also appears there are vials of injectable medicines," points out TMZ.)

Finally, according to this affidavit filed by Anna Nicole's former nanny in the Bahamas, Anna Nicole/Vicky Marshall ordered her to deliberately underfeed baby Dannielynn. "Ms. Marshall knew that the correct amount of baby food was 3 ounces every 3 hours ... Ms. Marshall insisted that the maximum I was to give was 2.5 ounces. Ms. Marshall was obsessed with making sure that her baby was 'sexy.'"

Granted, the idea of Anna Nicole navigating the concept of half-ounces is far-fetched, but still: According to the former nanny, Dannielynn "is badly underweight and not thriving, as a baby should." In addition, the nanny claims Anna Nicole "attempted to commit suicide" on two separate occasions, once downing a bottle of sleeping medicine, and once trying to drown herself in the backyard pool.

Sigh. Between the suggestions of pregnant junkiedom and allegations of diabolical mothering, Anna Nicole is quickly burning through those weird reserves of sympathy that popped up in the days after her vomit-choked corpse was found on the floor of that Hard Rock Hotel in Florida. The more I hear, the more it seems possible that Anna Nicole's heart pumped trash, until it didn't.

This meeting of the JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE APPRECIATION SOCIETY will now come to order. First and only piece of business? Justin's concert at NYC's Madison Square Garden last night where he not only reportedly put on an amazing show, but teamed up once again with SNL's ANDY SAMBERG for a live version of the most hee-larioso SNL sketch ever, "DICK IN A BOX." Check out the story here at People.com, and if you are a diehard JT fan like myself, take a peep at this live concert footage of the song—which is annoyingly shaky, but I loved it all over again. Plus, it amply demonstrates that I'm not the only person in the world who goes apeshit over Monsieur Timberlake!
OH, WHY CAN'T YOU VISIT THE NORTHWEST, JUSTIN? WHY? WHY? WHY???

This is a part of black history:
The man in the image is Pat Harrington, Jr. He plays the janitor in the TV show One Day At Time. The show no longer exists but was popular at around the time I was 10 (1978-1982). At around this time I, a black boy, and my sister, a black girl, met Pat Harrington, Jr. in Salisbury, Maryland. We met him in a community center and spent the afternoon discovering his comic greatness. He was hyper in attitude and no line existed between the Pat Harrington, Jr we saw on TV and Pat Harrington, Jr we saw in real life. He could only act like himself. And the food we ate for lunch was not at all bad. I recall lots of chips, hot dogs, and a big salad. At around four of that fine day in black history, that sunny Saturday afternoon we spent in the glow of Pat's stardom, the TV janitor shook my hand, hugged my sister, and said goodbye to the small community center, to Salisbury (which is near Ocean City), to the world of hard things and happy black children, and he returned to the TV for two more seasons. We will never forget you and your mustache.

The New York Post weighs in with what might be the most erotic jolt of gossip of the day—SCARLETT JOHANSSON grinding all up in JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE'S junk! As we all know Justin gave Cameron Diaz the old heave ho at the first of the year, and has since been spotted with JESSICA BIEL and ALYSSA MILANO. But those two have nothing on the world's current alpha girl, Johansson. Sez the NYP…

Johansson met Timberlake at the Hennessey Super Bowl afterparty, where, spies say, "they were talking, dancing, holding hands all night - it was very cozy.

"Then, as they left through the back, Justin was leaning against the wall and Scarlett came up, leaned into him and did a sexy, little dance, grinding into his body."

Right… I'm going to run to the bathroom for a minute.

Okay, I'm back (that didn't take very long). Isn't that hot?! And while it is the job of gossip columnists everywhere to break up any burgeoning Hollywood romance, I AM TOTALLY IN FAVOR OF THIS UNION. The world's hottest guy deserves the world's hottest girl, and currently, Johansson is that girl!
DO YOU AGREE WITH MY ASSERTION?

I thought you might.

MISS USA TARA CONNER admits that being a coked-up drunk liar was ruining her life—but kissing other girls is still okay, right? RIGHT??

JOSH HARTNETT allegedly gets caught getting a "sloppy BJ" from two girls in a bar bathroom. Sorry, Josh… it still doesn't make up for losing SCARLETT JOHANNSON. Loser.

As it turns out, SIENNA MILLER and HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN were NOT having real sex during their Factory Girl sex scenes. By the same token, you can't really call what they were doing "acting" either.

LINDSAY LOHAN sends text message from rehab saying that all she wants is "McDonalds and sex." And a drink… in McDonalds… while she's having sex.

Daniel Radcliffe--a.k.a. Harry Potter--is appearing in a production of Equus in London. The show's publicity stills are causing a stir. Towleroad has more info. And pics.

[Referencing Paris Hilton]

Anthony Hecht: "I just hope I live long enough to see her die."

It looks like Anne Heche is a lousy heterosexual too.

Anne Heche and her husband are separating after five years of marriage, her spokeswoman said Wednesday.... Heche, 37, and Coleman Laffoon, a motion picture cameraman, were married in September 2001. The couple have a 4-year-old son, Homer.

They met while working on a documentary about Ellen DeGeneres' return to stand-up comedy.

Heche was, of course, famously chomping away at DeGeneres' twat during the filming of that documentary.

Like some sort of disturbing “phantom limb” phenomena, it just keeps itching and itching--and the “Adrian! I just saw a CELEBRITY!" letters? They arrive and arrive and arrive. And except for all of those readers I’ve ignored over the years, I never ignore a reader, so let’s do this quickly and get it over with, once and for bloody all…

“Dear Adrian, I saw David Lynch smoking with a bunch of folks outside Dahlia Lounge. Guess he was there for dinner after the thing at Cinerama.” –B. Mathew.

“Dear B. Mathew, Smoking kills.” –-Adrian

“PS--Have you ever been to that old Twin Peaks dinner up in North Bend or wherever? The one they featured in the series? Coffee and cherry pie? What a fucking rip-off. They changed the name to “Tweedy’s” (WTF?), and decorated it with cheesy velvet oil paintings and a bizarre and a rather disturbing display of stuffed toy “Tweety Birds” (not, indeed, “TweeDy Birds”, the big tards) that they’ve stapled, glued, and otherwise fastened somehow to every wall. And almost $10 for a burger?! A sin, I tell you. A fucking sin. I think I’m gonna buy that place and turn it into Adrian’s Super-Sexy Extra-Hot Twin Peaks Memorial Museum….remodel it to look just like it did in the show, and fill it full of wax renderings of dead Laura Palmers wrapped in plastic. Or maybe I’ll just burn it down in a rage. At this point, anything’s possible.”

“Adrian--What?! Was I the only one who saw Mary K. Letourneau and her much younger lover at The New York Dolls show?---Bill

“Darling Bill, Yes! You were. But did you know that my hairstylist’s boyfriend is in the band that opened for The New York Dolls that night? The ‘Greatest Hits’ they are called? Well. They‘re pretty hot. So is my hair these days. I’m just saying.”---Adrian

“Dear Adrian, I was in Seattle visiting my girlfriend Jill, who is currently starring in the WE channel's 'Dirty Dancing'. She was working at the Italian Restaurant 'That's Amore', when my old boss Conan O'Brien came in to pick up pizzas. I wrote for 'Late Night' in 1996 until Mark Henry, the world's strongest man, dropped me from the world's biggest bowl of chili, severely injuring my back. Conan ordered ninety dollars of Italian pies, thanked my girlfriend, and then left without tipping. I brought the man orange juice every morning for six months, never spiking it. Times change, but beware the O'Briens!”--Cheers, Aja West - Mackrosoft CEO

“Dear Aja, My, that was a very long letter.” –Adrian

“Adrian, my dear...there is no way that you would ever have lost your virginity to a SHE. Thanks for my two columns of fame.”---“Emelio” (A cherry-poppin’ possible relative of Evel Kneivel)

“Dear ‘Emelio’, I have no idea what you’re talking about. But, hey: we’ll always not have Paris.” --Adrian

“Dear Adrian, I saw Jeremy Piven at Asami, the Japanese restaurant next to Uwajumia! Does he have a bald spot in the back of his head? What's he filming here? Or is he on leave from a Vancouver shoot? I swear it was him.”---PlaneDanna

“Dear PlaneDanna, The answers to your questions, respectively, are as follows: Yes, Maybe, Only time will tell, and SHAZAM! Although their really was no fourth question. SHAZAM anyway. Thank you.” ---Adrian

“PS---Who the hell is Jeremy Piven?”