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Friday, April 27, 2007

This Morning’s International Celebrity Rap Sheet Roundup!

posted by on April 27 at 7:56 AM

Today dawns legally contentious for the famous as the long and punitive arm of the law reaches to ensnare a herd of fresh celebrity fuck-ups, each spotlighted for new peccadilloes. These included, but are not limited to:

Hugh Grant!
Sore whores, relax! Hugh has been arrested for assault with a deadly legume. He lost his cool British temper at some dude that was following him around with a camera, and retaliated by hucking a Tupperware container full of his limey beans at the poor guy’s head. He also reportedly pranced up and kicked him in the knee like a little girl. No official charges have been filed. Yet.

Richard Gere!
Gerbils, relax! (Sorry.) Richard is wanted in India for kissing (a woman, ahem) in public. There has actually been a warrant filed for his arrest. Indians are apparently so offended by kissing (women, ahem) in public that angry and very prude crowds burned the almost-60-year-old actor in effigy in three major cities. Which is the least he deserves.

Snoop!
Snoop is not wanted in Australia. He overstayed his visa in February and has been refused reentry into the country. (They say his extensive rap sheet also might have had something to do with it.) And did I ever tell you about the time I rubbed his shoulders? I love that story.

Tyra!
Tyra Banks dine-‘n-dashed on her $100 lunch bill at a New York restaurant. The New York Daily news tattled on her, so she got all embarrassed and went back and paid and claimed it was an accident. But everybody knows she’s lying. You know it. I know it. Everybody knows it. Fucking liar.

Eve!
Eve wrecked her car in L.A., and has been arrested on suspicion of drunk-driving. Sean Penn offered to bail her out. I wonder where he got the money. He owes me 10 bucks.

-2004-November-10-scans-05b%20HughGrant.jpg
Creepy Bean Thrower!

RSS icon Comments

1

I miss your column in the paper itself, you son of a bitch. You're the reason I started grabbing The Stranger every Thursday.

The Perry Bible Fellowship is not funny.

Get Your War On is somewhat funny.

Monkeys Hate You is not funny.

Come back...and lay off the 8, yo.

Posted by Mr. Poe | April 27, 2007 8:23 AM
2

On Richard Gere kissing in public in India.
Its interesting that in that region from South India to the Nepal and extending into the Burma and Vietnam areas there is this art that existed for many melenia that showed variuos gods haveing sex with humans.
They have em plastered all over the walls and in their shrines. They seem to be losing their grasp on the mundane with the influx of much more prudish hard core religions.
The god Vishnu and Krisna must be appalled at this behavior.
If I were up in the god worlds I'd be like " hey Allah? can't you control your freaks? Its just a kiss for christs sake."

Posted by summertime | April 27, 2007 8:39 AM
3

@2:

amen to that. "death to shilpa shetty"?
half the male youth in pakistan & india are sitting in internet cafes wanking to amurkan facesitting porn.

if only amurka had a leg to stand on when accusing others of prudish hypocrisy.

Posted by maxsolomon | April 27, 2007 8:47 AM
4

I just think it's funny because it's Gere...kissing a woman...in public. He gave up here in America, so now he's trying to fool India.

Didn't seem to work so well this time either. He can come back here and go to the hospital to remove a foreign mammal, or he can go to India, get jailed, and catch what he really wants.

Posted by Mr. Poe | April 27, 2007 8:52 AM
5

Its sad really that they forgot how to handle the mundane and relish the rich art and history they have with the connection to the Ancient world.

Posted by summertime | April 27, 2007 8:57 AM
6

They could also be construed as we.

Posted by summertime | April 27, 2007 9:00 AM
7

Richard Linklater's next film might be cool. Here's an idea:

Have a mundane Warholian...what's the French phrase, trompe le Monde? that phrase that encapsulates the image construction like a still life by Frans Halls, Breughal, it was explained to me in a Shakespeare on Film class...it'll come to...

so Sean Penn just standing there on an Austin, TX treet corner, the static camera boringly taking in his static movement...

then it pans slowly across his horizontal, bent a little armm, with an excelliration that reaveals the Stretch armstrong Lukas magic dapple in steroscope. It's not ending, the arm whizzes along until the hand is finnaly can be seen holding a bucket.

the bucket is filled with crick water.
Penn is Bailing out Katrina's disaster. hover for a few seconds on his effort.

then the dolly cam scoots in reverse. a lichened pan back the arm miles and miles miles 8 miles, 20,000 m,iles until the othe hand is visible. it's holding a bucket. the bucket is full and ... Mise en Scene! that's it... the viewer would believe the sips taken by Eve are of water. she looks refreshed

the hangover must be lightening. tha prop people have done the usual "trick" of suppplieng the bucket full with in this white lightning, straight vodka. we think or has it occured, the Eve's smile may come from a taste of the hair that bit ya

link to the retro-review

Posted by Garrett | April 27, 2007 9:03 AM
8

To paraphrase Austin Powers, who throws a lima bean? I mean, really?

Posted by D Huygens | April 27, 2007 12:17 PM
9

You know what'll make me scroll down miles of webpage to find some three-day-old post to reread? Phrases like "He also reportedly pranced up and kicked him in the knee like a little girl". Ha! Thanks for the laugh and the imagery, Adrian.

Posted by rtw | April 30, 2007 8:49 PM
10

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Posted by Maurice | May 7, 2007 6:37 PM

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