...but residents of Florida can take Space Coast Area Transit--or SCAT.

It appears that THIS frisky fifteen-year-old isn't the only jailbait harboring a s-e-x-u-a-l issue or twelve. From the improbable website www.15yearoldvirgin.com...

Hi, name is Jason Morgan, I'm 15 and I live in Boston, Massachusetts, USA. I was diagnosed with leukemia when I was 11 years old, and since it's spread to my lymph nodes and spine, there is no chance that I will be cured. Before I die, I want to know the touch of a woman. I don't want to die a virgin and I can't do it without your help.

Are you pedophile enough to help Jason? Send YOUR 250 word response to Gotcha@perverted-justice.com. Hurry!

Attention all writers! A darling notion from a Craig's Lister or whatever...

To All the People Looking for Writers

It's great that you have decided to start a blog, or a new webzine, or to publish your latest book, however it is damn nervy to ask writers to commit to writing articles (such as the gaming people who want FIVE articles per week) for free. A professional writer doesn't need "exposure", they need money. Professional writers don't waste time working on spec for startups, they only work on spec for established publications. Would you ask a hairdresser to style your hair for free because you couldn't pay them but offer them the "exposure" of telling everyone who did your hair?

If you want professional writers - PAY THEM.

What? Writers get PAID? Why didn't anyone mention this before? I write for abuse and occasional free cheese. I don't know where the cheese comes from, it just appears on my doorstep.

I cut my own hair.

By the staff member with the most impressive mustache: "Randy Quaid, hubba hubba."

Indeed.

From the BBC:

A Hartlepool man is facing jail after he urinated on a disabled woman who lay dying in the street.

The 27-year-old shouted "this is YouTube material" as he degraded Christine Lakinski, 50, who had fallen ill, magistrates heard.

Hartlepool magistrates heard how, on 27 July, Miss Lakinski was making her way home with a box of laminate flooring when she fell ill and stumbled into a doorway.

Anderson had smoked a cannabis joint and been drinking when he and two friends spotted her.

He tried to rouse her by throwing a bucket of water over her, before urinating on her and covering her with shaving foam. The incident was filmed on a mobile phone.

The medical inquest determined Miss Lakinski died of natural causes, and Anthony Anderson has pleaded guilty to "outraging public decency." Full story here.

(Thanks to Slog tipper Ben.)

"I think it would be fun to give Nickels a blowjob!" —Josh Feit

If you were so dumb that you FAILED a dumb test, how could you possibly learn how to use Myspace?

Wait a sec. I think I just answered my own question.

My nefarious influence on the world via Wikipedia continues:

Hi Brendan

Just read your humorous account of discovering your own "facts" on wikipedia. Funnier yet: I'm in a band in LA that named our album The Ortolan after reading that same wikipedia entry. It comes out nationwide next Tuesday... Anyways, knowing that a Tintin-loving Belgian named Claude Souvenir is partially responsible for our album title is a delight.

Best, Will

Here's the short version: About ten years ago, in Paris, after a very long and great dinner, I had a tipsy conversation with a suspicious Belgian named Claude Souvenir who told me about how one eats the ortolan, a tiny bird that is customarily caught, tortured, and eaten whole, with rich Christian symbolism.

My memory of that conversation made it into this article, which I wrote last year. Then my memory of that conversation went up on Wikipedia, presented in a sort of authoritative way.

A few weeks ago, I stumbled across my own quote, while doing research for something else. I thought it was funny that my memory would be cited as an authority on anything and wrote this story about it.

Then Will (above) wrote me the letter about reading my story about reading my own memory in a Wikipedia article—the same article that influenced the choice of his band's album.

Anyway, the Wikipedia article in which my memory was cited as an authority—I've been edited out of it. Which is sort of insulting and sort of relieving.

A Stranger staffer just sent out this email to the entire office:

Subject: Honeycrisps are HERE!

I just purchased the first of the season from QFC. Looks like only the non-organic variety are available at the moment.

Huh? "What the hell is a honeycrisp?" I wonder out loud.

Apparently they're apples. According to Megan Seling, "they're retardedly good."

So there's this new shop in Ballard just down the street from me. I walk by it almost daily, but I've never noticed the name because I'm too distracted by the most fucked up window display in the history of all window displays.

Look at it... just look at it. It's a bunch of stuffed puppy dogs hanging from a metal tree. You can buy them, they're about $40 a piece. $40 A PIECE. FOR A STUFFED DOG WITH A LEATHER STRAP.

During the day it's absurd, but harmless. At night, though, it's just terrifying! So much so that the other night I had a dream about the hanging pups. They were alive. They were hanging from the tree, snapping and scratching at me, flashing their teeth in anger, trying desperately to release themselves from their branches so they could attack.

When I walked by last night a couple girls were admiring them--"That one is so cute!"

No, no it's not cute. It's utterly fucked up, Seattle, and you know it.

Note to self: Don't fly Nepal Airlines anytime soon...

Officials at Nepal's state-run airline have sacrificed two goats to appease Akash Bhairab, the Hindu sky god, following technical problems with one of its Boeing 757 aircraft, the carrier said Tuesday.

Nepal Airlines, which has two Boeing aircraft, has had to suspend some services in recent weeks due the problem.

The goats were sacrificed in front of the troublesome aircraft Sunday at Nepal's only international airport in Kathmandu in accordance with Hindu traditions, an official said.

"The snag in the plane has now been fixed and the aircraft has resumed its flights," said Raju K.C., a senior airline official, without explaining what the problem had been.

As if the fact that they pay $250 to sweat in the desert and shit in a bucket for a week wasn't proof enough that Burning Man devotees tend to be perhaps not the sharpest tools in the shed... Well, now there's this:

"A Burning Man participant was found dead this morning, hanging from the inside of a two-story high tent, according to Mark Pirtle, special agent in charge for the Bureau of Land Managment.... Pirtle said the man was hanging for two hours before anyone in the large tent thought to bring him down. 'His friends thought he was doing an art piece,' Pirtle said."

The eight weirdest communities on the Internet. (Via Chaos Theory.)

No. 2: Slash Fan Fiction

What it is
When you're watching your favorite TV show, do you often find yourself wishing that the plot would be completely derailed by hardcore pornography? If the answer is yes (which you know it is), then the Slash Fan Fiction community might be just the place for you.

Excerpt that Sums Up the Community In A Nutshell

Spock was pleased that he was able to give his Jim so much pleasure. He knew it was an activity outside of the Vulcan culture, but inside their cabin they were safe--and conjugal privacy was held in high regard by his people.

Why It Makes Us Uncomfortable
You know what's weirder than really wanting to see the stars of your favorite TV shows banging? Sitting down at your computer and describing it in 8,000 words.

(And sorry, Dan: Boytaurs made the top slot on the list.)

I tried. I went to bed, I set an alarm. I got up, took the tripod and the camera outside. I really wanted to take an honest, pretty picture of the eclipse. A moment with Nature. I set a nice long exposure on the camera...

Um, WTF is that under the moon?

In case you're wondering as well (it's not a Catholic-teen-geek meetup): Penny Arcade Expo, Seattle, August 24-26

PAX is a three-day game festival for tabletop, videogame, and PC gamers. We call it a festival because in addition to dedicated tournaments and freeplay areas we've got nerdcore concerts, panel discussions, the weekend-long Omegathon event, and an exhibitor hall filled with booths displaying the latest from top game publishers and developers. Even with all this amazing content, the best part of PAX is hanging out with other people who know their shit when it comes to games.

You can't calculate a word, people! Goddammit, when will the inanity stop?

Note to cat lovers: Think twice before taking snapshots of newborn kittens:

Sara Tarbor had just gotten a new Cannon digital camera after her cat Taz gave birth to 4 kittens. “I bought the camera so I could show the kittens to my family back in Atlanta. The kittens had just turned 4 weeks old and were getting really frisky. My biggest kitten named Spike was rolling and jumping all around so I had taken quite a few photos of him. I was laying on the floor when he jumped at me as I took a photo. The camera flashed right in his face and immediately Spike started flapping around on the floor like a fish. At first I thought he was just playing but I soon figured out it was a seizure”.

Tarbor grabbed a blanket to cover the kitten from light because she had heard it helped people with seizures but it didn’t help. “The kitten stopped moving after 30 seconds or so and died”, said Tarbor. “I had never heard of a cat having a seizure induced by a camera flash so I didn’t think I could hurt them by taking photos”.

In Gig Harbor, WA, no less.

As police told KIRO News, the dogs entered the woman's home through a pet door, found the 59-year-old disabled woman asleep in her bed, and viciously attacked her.

According to this Associated Press report, the mauled woman eventually broke free of the attacking dogs, locked herself in her car, and called 911. Cops arrived and found dogs so vicious police almost executed them on-site. (Instead, they were pepper-sprayed and captured.) Meanwhile, the victim was taken to a Tacoma hospital, where she remains listed in satisfactory condition.

The owner of one of the pit bulls told KIRO that it appeared the dogs broke free from their chains and broke through the backyard fence. He said neither one has been vicious until Tuesday.

How comforting.

Previous Slog debate has found the "owning a pit bull is like keeping a loaded shotgun in your living room" argument to be a contentious one. Now it seems too weak, as man has yet to invent a shotgun that independently breaks into homes and shoots disabled women in their beds.

Full stories here and here.

Hammerfest, of course, is the world's premier white power conference. They will be celebrating 20 years of brotherhood.

From the website:

Portland, Oregon, the heart of Bob Mathews' White Homeland, is the location of this once in a lifetime event. No detail or expense have been spared to make this a must-attend event and honor our Hammerskin Brothers & Sisters around the world.

And, of course, there will be music:

DOWN RIGHT HATEFUL (DOWN SOUTH-USA)
REBEL HELL (DETROIT-USA) T.B.C.
NO TOLERANCE (DALLAS-USA)
PLUS SPECIAL GUEST BAND FROM AUSTRALIA
FRONTLINE (PORTLAND-USA)
THE ROLLING SEVENS (CANADA)

“ Eventually managed to chew through the leather straps which bound him …”
“Armed with the leg as a blunt instrument …”
“ No Crow warrior was safe from his wrath …”

Behold the amazing tale of Liver-Eating Johnson, the toughest man to ever walk the earth.

I'm normally disinclined to click on a link called "man stool," but in this case I'm glad I did. It's not what you think.

Spotted on Pike Street:

The text on the bottom reads, "In Our Hearts Forever."

On the back (from memory): "It ain't easy rulin' the unruly. 1937-2006."

The newest chapter of Trapped in the Closet is up.

Let the pondering begin ... now.

(I must have misheard the part about the old couple talking about birds crapping on their faces, right? Right?)

So, um... yeah.

From an alert reader in Russia...

Observations, provenance, and photos of an adorable Russian girl playing with this thing can be found here.

Thai police officers caught for a range of minor misdemeanours will have to sport hot pink armbands of Hello Kitty, the Japanese icon of cuteness, as a form of punishment.

The striking armband features the Hello Kitty cat character invented by Japan's Sanrio Co in 1974 sitting atop two hearts.

"Simple warning s no longer work," [said Police Colonel Pongpat Chayaphan] "This new twist is expected to make them feel guilt and shame and prevent them from repeating the offence, no matter how minor."

There's a Ph.D. in gender studies, just waiting to be built on this story.

(Thanks, Erika!)

With those kind of skills, we really all need to be getting our squirrel stockpiles together. It won't be long until they're in our HOMES, people!

Via my Dad.

I know it's quite possible that I'm the only person in the world who's going to enjoy this, but that's not enough to keep me from posting it anyway.

Hahaha!

Sorry.

Umm...Dear Science? Can you hear me? Hello? Well. I'm begging, you. Please (PLEASE!) explain to me in a rational and relatively coherent manner (that involves as little math as possible) exactly HOW THIS SCARY THING WORKS?

Really? HOW?

Honestly, Science. I need you. I don't get it, and I'm getting a little freaked out over here.

Explain!?!

A postcard from the Ashton-Drake Galleries showed up in my house – I don’t know where it came from – and it is creeping me out. Bad. Here’s the picture on the front:

Is this a preemie doll? Is it a piece of anti-abortion propaganda designed to ascribe the qualities of a whole baby to a fetus-sized humanoid? Or is it just an innocent doll that happens to be terrifying? I start reading: "'A Handful of Love,' the first Heavenly Handfuls issue, is a tiny masterpiece of sculpting, detailed down to the creases on the bottoms of this little baby’s feet. And she fits neatly in the palm of your hand…. Her soft body makes her easy to pose in a multitude of ways."

"These dolls are not toys; they are fine collectibles to be enjoyed by adult collectors."

Slog tipper B.D. writes:

While Washington was once known as THE capital of horse fuckers around the world, we eventually got around to banning such practices. [Here's Mudede's piece on that happy subject. --Ed.] Now it seems, after a judge's ruling, Wisconsin can be known as THE capital of necrophiliacs around the world. Cue Alice Cooper's song Cold Ethyl.

Here's the article that B.D. is talking about. A snippet:

(AP) Madison, Wis. Three men who dug up a young woman's corpse to have sex with it after seeing her obituary photo cannot be charged with attempted sexual assault because Wisconsin has no law against necrophilia, an appeals court ruled Thursday.

A judge was correct to dismiss the charges against twin brothers Nicholas and Alexander Grunke and Dustin Radke, all 21, because lawmakers never intended to criminalize sex with a corpse, the District 4 Court of Appeals said in a 3-0 ruling.

The cause of the woman's death in the first place? Motorcycle crash.

Follow the link and there are pictures of the boys. (One of the twins does his hair differently, though they appear to be identical.) There is also a video that I just can't bring myself to click on. I leave it to Slog's intrepid readers click on it and find out more if more is what they want.

Aside: There are a couple other "local news" video segments next to the one I can't bear to click on, including "Man with Cerebral Palsy Drowns in River" and "Search Continues for 2nd Sewer Worker."

In related news: God hates Wisconsin.

KUNT.

An oral surgeon who temporarily implanted fake boar tusks in his assistant's mouth as a practical joke and got sued for it has gotten the state's high court to back up his gag.

Dr. Robert Woo of Auburn had put in the phony tusks while the woman was under anesthesia for a different procedure. He took them out before she awoke, but he first shot photos that eventually made it around the office.

This story is so weird I can't believe it: The assistant grew up on a farm with pot-bellied pigs, couldn't stop talking about them, and obviously missed them. The surgeon is described as a "kindhearted, fun-loving man," a joker, a nice old geezer.

Put the two together and disaster strikes:

The oral surgery on Alberts was intended to replace two of her teeth with implants, which Woo did. First, though, he installed temporary bridges that he had shaped to look like boar tusks, and while Alberts was still under anesthesia, he took photos, some with her eyes propped open. Before she woke up, he removed the "tusks" and put in the proper replacement teeth.

When the farm girl found out, she freaked, quit, and sued her boss. He tried to apologize. She wouldn't hear it. Everyone's feelings were hurt.

The two settled out of court but the surgeon's insurance wouldn't cover the costs so he turned around and sued them.

He lost. He appealed. Then he won.

In a sprightly 5-4 decision, Supreme Court Justice Mary Fairhurst wrote that Woo's practical joke was an integral, if odd, part of the assistant's dental surgery and "conceivably" should trigger the professional liability coverage of his policy.

Integral? How? The Seattle Times does not explain.

The spokesman for the protesting Burning Man employees from this post (and now that I've watched the video, I think they're serious) is 2001 fringe mayoral candidate Caleb Schaber.

See the results of his Stranger endorsement interview here.

(And check next week's paper for the Stranger Endorsement Board's interviews with current candidates for city council, port, school board, and county prosecutor.)

It burns: Burning Man Protest Protested by Burning Man Protesters.

A crowd of 100 stunned stargazers brought a town centre to a standstill when five mysterious UFOs were spotted hovering in the sky.

Drinkers spilled out of pubs, motorists stopped to gawp and camera phones were aimed upwards as the five orbs, in a seeming formation, hovered above Stratford-Upon-Avon for half an hour.

The unidentified flying objects lit up the otherwise clear night sky above Shakespeare's birthplace in Warwickshire on Saturday...

Aviation experts are baffled. Full story here.

(Thanks for the tip, Matt. Thanks for the headline, William.)

Did you guys know that Bratz have Babyz now?
Babyz that also appear to be Prostitutez, even though they are still Babyz??

From the best Wikipedia entry I have ever read:

In 2004, the first Bratz Babyz were made.

Soon after, they made Bratz Big Babyz, dolls about 5 times the size of regular Babyz dolls. In 2006 the Bratz Big Babyz Bubble Trouble Dolls have been appeared, that laughed, burped, and blew bubble when you fed them soda. A half year after the Bratz Babyz Hair Flair, the Big Babyz has the realistic hair version, "Bratz Big Babyz Hair Flair".

Itsy Bitsy Bratz are the smallest version of Bratz Babyz. They can be called Micro Bratz.

The Bratz Babyz have been the target of complaints from some parents about the sexualization of children's toys, especially the "Babyz Night Out" fashion pack, the "Brattoo Parlor" playset, and the fact that the Big Babyz wear something under their skirts that looks like a thong.

Because the only thing sexier than a baby in a thong? A baby in a thong with a Passion 4 Fashion and no nose (but how does the cocaine get in?) who subsists entirely on Mountain Dew. Obvz.

As a counter to Brad's earlier post, here's evidence that not all nerd activities lead to antisocial behavior. Consider this Pokemon enthusiast, who approaches his hobby with a serene, almost Zen detach ... um, ok, I can't do it. This kid is nucking futs.

Friend of Slog Keith--after reading this post and possibly playing this game (next round coming today!)--found this photo of a potato with smooth calves (why so shaved, man?) taken at Alki a couple weeks ago. The comments are all about this guy's legs.

Mr. Potato Legs makes one of the commenters think of another mascot:

I had an encounter with the Ivar’s clam mascot...at the Fire Festival in Pioneer Square...and we were all taken with the nice shape of the costumed clam’s lower human half. Maybe the “Mascot Workout” will be our next fitness craze.

And the next commenter writes:

given that Spuds on Alki is owned by Ivar’s … perhaps it was the same person! Anyone ever seen the spud and the clam in the same place, hm?