Rosie O'Donnell quit The View today, three weeks before her contract was up. Rosie was the most compelling thing on television--and the best thing to happen to The View since old-what's-her-face caught a football with her kisser. With Rosie on board, ratings were up, and The View suddenly mattered--particularly to right-wing pundits. Who's going to bitch slap that fucking moron Elisabeth Hasselbeck now?

Here's how they sell condoms in France...

UPDATE: Says COMTE in comments...

Huh, I thought the punchline was going to be more along the lines of, "Don't want to raise a spoiled brat? Use condoms."

That's actually this condom commercial, COMTE...

As part of his journey though anti-gay-bigot rehab--still not quite sure how that works exactly--Isaiah Washington filmed this public service announcement.

Yeah, words have power--the power to get your ass in a heap of trouble.

While that title would make a fantastic name for a band, it's an actual quote from National Action Against Obesity's MeMe Roth (appropriate name) who went on Fox News' Neil Cavuto to make the case that American Idol winner Jordin Sparks shouldn't have won the competition, because she is obese (which she clearly isn't) and sets a bad example for children (which she clearly doesn't—unless you count that she cries at the end of her songs, which is really annoying).
When it comes to despicable pundits, she's no Ann Coulter, but maybe MeMe can fill in when she's on vacation?

But this one's about interweb television.

I'm not a huge fan of The Burg (Williamsburg hipsters mocking Williamsburg hipsters is a little too too), but this episode, about the quest to find a new bar that is teetering on the precipice of coolness, a place that "will be really popular but not before we've outgrown it," is pretty funny.

Here's a preview short called "Hip or Dangerous?":

American Idol? Kersnooze! Kersnooze! Kersnooze!
The real action on TV last night was the two-hour slam bang season finale of LOST, and yes… SPOILERS AHEAD!
I'll admit it, Lost is now officially off my shit list. I was getting so tired of the endless circular questions, but the latter half of the season has been super fun and action packed. My fave parts of last night's episode?
• The mind-bending surprise ending depicting Oxycontin freak Jack meeting Kate in the future and not commenting on how much makeup she was wearing. (Who do you think the obit in the paper was about?)
• The two hot chicks beating the crap out of Charlie (what a way to go, huh?).
• Walt has pubes.
• Do you want to smack the smirk off of Juliette's face, or what?
• And this following scene, in which Hurley causes the most awesome hippie-induced death I've ever witnessed, immediately followed by Sayid snapping a guy's neck with his FEET. And I know he was a dick and all… but… POOR TOM.

Okay. Like fifty zillion others, I watched last night's American Idol finale. I have nothing to say about Jordin's win or Blake's loss or the all-star Idol descration of Sgt. Pepper.

All I care to talk about is what happened after Jonathan Jayne and Kenneth Briggs—AKA the lightly developmentally disabled guys Simon trashed during auditions—were brought back to the Idol stage.

It started fine, as Jayne and Briggs appeared to claim their award for "Cutest Couple" of the season. Viewers will remember the backlash that occured after Simon told Kenneth Briggs he looked like "a bush baby." After giving Briggs his award, host Ryan Seacrest asked, "So how did it feel when Simon said you looked like a bush baby?"

Suddenly, the giant Idol screen was filled with the image of an actual bush baby. With Griggs standing next to the screen, Seacrest informed him that American Idol's producers wanted to show their gratitude by sponsoring a real-live bush baby in his name.

All of this was presented as heartwarming. Never have I seen such contempt gussied up as a tribute. It made my brain melt.

To add insult to injury: Bette Midler soon appeared to sing "Wing Beneath My Wings," which, as anyone who's read the lyrics knows, is the most condescending and insulting song ever. If anyone ever tries to devote "Wind Beneath My Wings" to you, never stop punching them in the face.

And yet it is: Kurt Cobain shilling for Doc Martens from the afterlife.

Thank you, Gawker and Slog tipper J.Milwaukee, and fuck you, Courtney.

Last night was yet another blood bath on American Idol, but this time? It was beatboxing Blake who did the butchering. Oh yeah… SPOILER ALERT!
It was the last night of singing for finalists Blake and Jordin (neither of whom deserve to be there, but who gives a flying flip? It's American Idol, not the electoral college). And while Blake got kudos for his tiresome fakey-ass beatboxing remix of "You Give Love a Bad Name," he MURDERED (and subsequently was murdered by) the final original song given to both contestants entitled, "This is My Now." How bad of a song was it? Here are a few of the lyrics. You be the judge.

This is my now, and I am breathing in the moment / But I look around / I can’t believe the love I see / My fears behind me, gone are the shadows and doubts / That was then, this is my now.

WOW. That's really terrible. On the upside, Jordin excels in singing terrible songs, and even shed a few crocodile tears on the final bars, thereby clinching her victory tonight. Blake on the other hand, unable to fall back on his junior varsity mouth rhythms, decapitated the song, set it on fire, and then extinguished the blaze via urination. In other words, NOT SO GOOD. Hand Jordin the trophy now, please, and let's forget this season ever transpired.
EXCEPT FOR ONE CONTESTANT, the memorable SANJAYA. And get this! According to a new video just released, it's been revealed that perhaps Sanjaya isn't really who he says he is! In this clip, Sanjaya reveals his true name and intentions: He is Bill Vendall, a grad art school student who entered Idol as part of an art project to fulfill his graduate thesis! Whether truth or bullshit, now I really wish he had won!

Let's see… let's see… what's on TV tonight… OH, YEAH. It's the…

• DANCING WITH THE STARS season finale (ABC, 9 pm)! For those who give a poop, it's a neck-and-neck horse race between Apolo "Oh YES!" Ohno, Joey "The Fat One" Fatone, and Laila "I have no nickname" Ali. I really don't care who wins, I'm just happy that the beautiful sport of ballroom dancing is finally getting the respect it so richly deserves. GOD! C'mon, I'm just kidding!!

• VERONICA MARS series finale (CW, 8 pm)! It's a two-hour goodbye to Veronica, who has been my fave teen crush ever since Buffy went bye-bye. The series is now officially kaput, so if you never got around to seeing this great show, check it out on DVD! (All together now… SOB!)

• And what else? Ahh, yes. AMERICAN IDOL, the penultimate episode (Fox, 8 pm)! Tonight's the last time you'll ever get to hear Blake's godawful beatboxing. Look, I don't give a crap if he is from Seattle. He stinks. VOTE JORDIN SPARKS!

Oh, and by the way, you heard about Paula Abdul breaking her nose after tripping over her chihuahua, Tulip, right? Check out this video of Paula trying to explain what happened… while COMPLETELY POOP-FACED.

• It's another big season finale night starting with the much maligned 24 (Fox, 8 pm), which everyone agrees is pretty crappy compared to last year. However, in tonight's two-hour finale, expect a showdown with Jack's dad (James Cromwell) and the death of yet another CTU member. (Trying to get a decent life insurance rate while working at this place must be a bitch!)

• Next, it's the breakout freshman series HEROES (NBC, 9 pm). Tonight, all the heroes gather in Kirby Plaza to stop Peter Petrelli from going nuclear and destroying NYC. (Insert obvious 9/11 metaphors here.)

• And speaking of a dark, depressing future, check out the following trailer for the new Fox series debuting this Fall called THE SARAH CONNOR CHRONICLES (say that five times fast), in which a not-as-buff-as-Linda-Hamilton mom tries to protect sonny-boy from the Terminators of the future (with a little bit of help from a hottie teenage robot… whoo-whoo!).

I don't expect much out of MTV these days, but last fall's Rob and Big (about pro skateboarder Rob Dyrdek, his bodyguard Chris "Big Black" Boykin, and their incredibly tender platonic man-love) surprised me by being some of the funniest, dumbest, most endearing shit ever. (And possibly the first show about male friendship that doesn't rely on panicky gay jokes.)

Can a huge fat person really be best friends with a small tiny person? Can two men successfully co-parent an adorable dog that is also part meatball? What is up with Big's weird jank-eye? And is there anything at all interesting about skateboarding?

Season 2 premieres next Tuesday at 10:30 pm, and hopefully MTV didn't fuck it up too bad with gimmicks and fluff. From the looks of this trailer, Big is still fat and falling down, the dudes are still ridin' dirty, and (am I in Heaven?) they've adopted a miniature horse. Yessssssss!

Millions of American jaws hit the floor last night as Melinda Doolittle, the most accomplished vocalist ever to compete on American Idol and a total fucking sweetheart to boot, was eliminated, leaving hometown heartthrob Blake Lewis and some girl called Jordin to battle it out for the top spot.

Congratulations to Blake, who I really, really hope clobbers that girl called Jordin next week, and condolences to Melinda, who doesn't need them, as she's doomed to have a humongous career, no matter how many toll-free votes she got...

I watch a LOT of TV, and I've seen a lot of dirty things slip past the censors… but I have NEVER seen man-on-man anal sex on NBC in DAYTIME. Thank god then for the best soap opera ever, Passions, for finally breaking the anal barrier.

LITERALLY.

I just can't quit you, Passions! (Oh, yeah… this might be a bit NSFW-ish.)

From the show that makes me wish I had cable, MTV's Human Giant.

TV nuts and sci-fi geeks are undoubtedly psyched about the resurrection of The Bionic Woman, the classic '70s show that's being revamped for a Fall slot on NBC. The new version is being put together by David Eick (Battlestar Galactica), who should provide a dark, sinister edge… or it could be unintentionally heee-larious as the following clip suggests! (Work on that bed-side manner, doc!)

On the new UK talk show 24 Hours With.., host Jamie Campbell interviews a celebrity with whom he's locked in a room for an entire day. The first episode featured D-list celebrity and ex-con Bobby Brown, who has some issues.

Thank you, Towleroad.

Did anybody catch the recent Barbara Walters special about transgendered children? If not—hell even if so—the always hilarious ANTM-recapping Four Four blog has edited it down to its greatest hits. From Four Four:

On the other hand, you have deteriorating mastermind Barbara Walters, who spends the entire show gunning for either a Peabody or a guffaw -- it's hard to tell. Whether she's repeating "The girl with the dick" (I mean, Barbara Walters just said "dick!!!"), calling everything she sees "pretty" (including the female-to-male!) or saying certain words the way that only she can ("Riley!"), the old broad brings a needed sense of comic relief to a subject whose heavy context could otherwise be virtually unbearable. [Barbara Walters voice]Perhaps it is she who is most inspiring of all.[/BWV]

You must watch this. Now.

I'm still too flummoxed by last night's American Idol's "Idol Gives Back" charity performance to figure out how I feel about it. (I don't know... it's kind of like a porn shop raising money for muscular dystrophy.) And while the show was chock-a-block with celebrity performances, I really don't know how I feel about Idol featuring dead people. Watch the video below, and see if you can correctly choose "WHICH CELEBRITY IS DEAD?"

Yesterday we were debating the latest "controversy of the century™"—American Idol's Simon Cowell allegedly rolling his eyes while contestant Chris Richardson was paying his respects to the victims of Virginia Tech. As expected, Simon issued a statement on last night's episode claiming he didn't hear what Chris was saying, because he was talking to Paula... hence the "eye-roll." But here's something unexpected! Instead of just taking his word for it, the producers put together a split-screen clip of what actually happened during that moment, and from all appearances it clears Simon of all "eye-rolling" charges. Ahhhhh. HE MUST FEEL LIKE O.J. SIMPSON!
Check out the video here (the part you're interested in starts at the 1:15 mark).

Spoiler Alert: Sanjaya is....

Continue reading "American Idol" »

• In a blatant attempt to lure the nerdlings back to the fold, starting with tonight's episode, comic author Brian K. Vaughan (of Y: The Last Man) will be co-writing LOST (ABC 10 pm). You may now change your underpants.

• Fox is replacing tonight's new episode of BONES (Fox, 8 pm) with a rerun, because of the plot is too reminiscent of the Virginia Tech shootings. Cue Simon Cowell to roll his eyes.

• Speaking of AMERICAN IDOL (Fox, 9 pm)… what about SANJAYA?? While Chris should get the boot for his cloying attempt at invoking sympathy from the Virginia Tech shootings, after Sanjaya's performance last night—which was even worse than usual—TONIGHT COULD BE THE NIGHT WE FINALLY SAY BYE-BYE! (Sorry, Sanjaya, the "Aunt Jemima" will never top the "Pony-Hawk."

So last night on American Idol, that Justin Timberlake wanna-be CHRIS RICHARDSON sang a fairly awful—and extremely NASALLY—rendition of the hayseed hit "Mayburry." After a little back and forth between him and SIMON COWELL, Chris abruptly flipped the script and gave a shout-out to his friends at Virginia Tech, and the victims of this week's shooting. The camera then cuts to Simon WHO ROLLS HIS EYES? Producer Nigel Lythgoe claims Simon was not responding to Chris and was simply turning to talk to Paula—but I'm not so sure. Check out the tape and YOU MAKE THE CALL!

CYNICAL BONUS QUESTION: Was Chris using the shout-out as a strategy to stay in for another week?

• It's "Country Night" on American Idol (YEEEEEE-HAW! HOW EMBARRASSING!) and Sanjaya will reportedly be singing "Boot-Scootin' Boogie." This I gotta see.

• Remember that episode of The Shield (FX, 10 pm) when Vic mashed that drug dealer's face against the burner on a stove? Tonight's episode is gorier than that.

• According to USA Today, our fave teen detective Veronica Mars has already been cancelled. BOOOOOO!!!

• Want to stare into the eyes of The Office's Jim Halpert all… day… long? Buy this painting of him for only $8.50! (I'm going to pretend we're playing a prank on Dwight! Sighhhhhh........)

It looks like I'm not the only editor/perv that finds the American Idol inexplicably alluring. (Actually I find his allure is entirely explicable.) The editors of Maxim Magazine--the magazine for straight boys that lack Internet connections but still require jerk-off material--has named Sanjaya their "Girl of the Day."

You've no one but the Devil's lawyer to blame for this androgynous American Idol stowaway, who, despite being detested by the judges, somehow remains in the hunt for the show's coveted prize as this year's top 40 footnote...

Yeah, somehow Sanjaya remains in the hunt, week after torturous week. Somehow.

Only the most masochistic TV viewers (like me) watch Dancing with the Stars every week -- primarily because we are still not-so-secretly wishing for HEATHER MILLS' prosthetic leg to go flying off into the crowd like so much NASCAR wreckage. And while our wish didn't come true last night, Heather's fakey leg did turn against her at the end of her routine, sending her bouncing on her butt. Naturally, the judges thought her fall was ADORABLE and praised her bravery for so elegantly landing on her ass. Ummm… hey judges… she's got a fake leg, she's not RETARDED.
Let's go to the video! (BTW, her partner—who is retarded—got his chest shaved, hence all the "oil and hair" jokes. Ew.)

Paris Hilton plus Nicole Richie plus Susan Powter plus enemas equals TV garbage heaven.

Full story here.

You know, everytime I bash hippies on this blog, a bunch of long-haired soap-scared hippie freaks crawl out of the woodwork, and accuse ME of being close-minded. AND YET? I keep finding proof that I'm absolutely correct in my assumption that hippies are effing GROSS and STUPID. Today's proof comes from a 1967 episode of LOST IN SPACE, in which the crew are obviously under the ill effects of a real marijuana freakout. Watch this clip and decide for yourself: IS WILL ROBINSON "A SQUARE"? (I think you know my answer.)

Thanks, Cracked.

Office fans everywhere have been biting their nails in anticipation of last night's episode, wondering if Roy (Pam's ex-fiance) was going to follow through with his cryptic words: "I'M GOING TO KILL JIM HALPERT." (For those just joining us, Jim kissed Pam and Roy found out. Oooooooooh!)
THE RESULT? Roy DID try to kill Jim, which weirdly resulted in one of the funniest Office episodes in recent memory. If you missed it, download it off iTunes (online now, $1.99, it's called "The Negotiation") -- it's THAT FUNNY. And just to wet that whistle, here's the soon-to-be-classic scene of Roy attempting to… KILL JIM HALPERT!

• 8 pm NBC THE OFFICE -- As CLEARLY stated in this week's TV column, I'm pissed at the way NBC "super-sizes" their episodes. For example, tonight's Office is 42 minutes long, which throws off the rest of the evening, and makes me confused and worried I may have developed a brain tumor. REGARDLESS! New episode tonight in which Michael demands a raise, and we find out if Roy makes good on his cryptic words: "I'M GOING TO KILL JIM HALPERT."

• 8:42 pm NBC 30 ROCK -- "8:42??" Puh-LEEZE! Anyway, Arrested Development fans rejoice, because WILL "GOB" ARNETT guest-stars tonight as a network exec gunning for Jack's (Alec Baldwin) job! (Maybe Buster and his hook will drop by as the body guard?)

• 10:30 pm MTV HUMAN GIANT -- Comedians Aziz Ansari, Rob Huebel, and Paul Scheer team up to bring us this new sketch comedy show that... might actually be funny?!? Here's a clip.

the talented Chris Richardson and even more talented Blake Lewis love each other...

Thank you, Towleroad.

The whole world's watching...

Sanjaya Malakar, the talk of "American Idol" fan sites and blogs, advanced on Wednesday to another round.... Rocker Gina Glocksen was sent packing from the group of nine finalists on the Fox television show, while Malakar, the 17-year-old whose finalist status has defied shaky performances and criticism from the judges, was easily voted through.

Malakar wasn't even among the bottom three vote-getters in this week's competition.

Over at Best Week Ever today, Alex Bragg posts the best explanation of why voting for Sanjaya could actually SAVE pop culture... and simultaneously DESTROY American Idol!

We don’t sincerely LOVE Sanjaya (with the exception of sobbing tween girls), we sincerely HATE Idol, and thus want to see it fail. Sanjaya winning the competition - an unlikely scenario that inches closer and closer towards probability by the minute - would be the arrow through Idol’s Achilles Heel, destroying the legitimacy and relevance of the competition - the lynchpins on which the whole show is held together - by exploiting its democratic nature to expose it’s inherent fraudulence.

And here's this week's SANJAYA performance (?) on Idol. Trust me, HE AIN'T GOING ANYWHERE.

• First and foremost, you WILL watch the 6th season premiere of THE SHIELD (FX, 10 pm), because it is the best cop show ever. When we last left Vic Mackey and the Strike Team, obsessed internal affairs officer Kavanaugh (Forrest Whitaker) was closing in on the gang's shenanigans, and Shane had lobbed a grenade into the car of co-Strike team member Lem, out of fear he was going to snitch. Nobody does moral ambiguity like this show, so don't miss it!

• In less interesting news, tonight at 8 pm (ABC) you can either watch the AMERICAN IDOL contestants slaughter the songs of guest Tony Bennett and laugh at Sanjaya's latest hairstyle, or you can save yourself a lot of time and grief by showing up here tomorrow, where I will undoubtedly post the only watchable stuff. The choice is yours.

• In slightly more interesting news, Heather Mills is now being accused of cheating on DANCING WITH STARS (results show tonight, 9 pm) because she's using some kind of crazy, cyborg robotic prosthetic leg. Check out the video if you don't believe me!

For the record, I predict that if Sanjaya makes it through a couple more rounds of American Idol, he'll bow out of the competition, under pressure from the producers.

Why? Because while he's certainly a ratings draw, if he wins, it could potentially kill the show. If Howard Stern and others even manage to get him into the top 5 or so, people will go nuts fucking with the competition next season, and on and on. Once he starts sticking around while people with some degree of actual talent (it's all relative, of course) get booted, they'll push him out. At some point, his potential to fuck up their basic, zillion-dollar formula will outpace his ability to pull in big ratings right now. This things I believe.

And no, this topic doesn't deserve this much thought, but I've had this goddamned song stuck in my head for a week (thanks Adrian!) so something had to give.

There really is no reason to watch this season of SURVIVOR: FIJI. Especially when the best stuff of the season has been boiled down to THIS TEN-SECOND VIDEO which pretty much says it all.

Thanks TVgasm!

The Brits are not amused...

The news that an episode of South Park features the Queen committing suicide is provoking a blizzard of outrage in certain sections of the British media. In the episode, already broadcast in the US and entitled The Snuke, an animated Elizabeth II fatally shoots herself in the mouth after her attempt to overthrown the American government fails. Most commentators have been unanimous in declaring that South Park has gone too far this time. Leaving the rest of us unanimous in concluding that the same commentators can't be too familiar with South Park.

Don't the Brits have better things to worry about right now?

Catch up on the best episodes EVER of THE OFFICE tonight when NBC runs a mini-marathon of the hilarious show (8 pm- 11 pm). (Inexplicably, they are inserting a new ep of Andy Barker, P.I. right smack dab in the middle at 9:30 -- so that's a good time to make a sandwich or shoot up a goofball.) Here's the lineup according to NBC:
8 pm DIVERSITY DAY - Michael tells everyone it was his idea to hire a special consultant (Larry Wilmore) to teach racial tolerance and diversity, when in fact it was his behavior that necessitated the training.
8:30 HEALTH CARE - When Dwight gets the authority to choose a health plan for everyone, the power quickly goes to his head, infuriating his co-workers.
9:00 SEXUAL HARASSMENT - When Michael's best friend, sales representative Todd Packer (David Koechner), pays him a visit, Michael starts behaving even more inappropriately.
10:00 THE INJURY - After he has an accident while using a George Foreman grill, injured Michael demands attention from the entire Dunder Mifflin office.
10:30 GAY WITCH HUNT - Michael unintentionally outs a gay employee.

IMPORTANT! If you can't watch all of them, at least catch GAY WITCH HUNT where Michael makes out with Oscar to prove he likes gays, and THE INJURY, where Dwight suffers from head trauma and throws up all over his car. HERE'S A CLIP!