The nice folks at On the Boards were concerned as they braced for eight screenings of HUMP this weekend. They had never moved 2400 ticket holders through their building in the space of 26 hours. But by the mid-way point on Saturday--after the twelve hundredth HUMPer had taken his or her seat--OTB artistic director Lane Czaplinski and Sarah Wilke were marveling at how polite and good natured Seattle's porn fans are. People were excited to be at HUMP, thrilled that they could buy a drink in the lobby before the screening, and willing to be quickly herded out the doors to make way for the next crowd. Seattle's third annual amateur-and-locally-produced porn festival came off without a hitch.
Before we announce the winners of this year's HUMP, I would like to thank to Lane and Sarah and everyone else at OTB for allowing us to smut up the place for the weekend. Thanks to OTB twice as many people were able to attend HUMP this year--and see it on a much bigger screen--as were able to attend in years past.
And what did attendees see? Couches doing the nasty, sex on roller skates, aliens fucking predators, hot straight foot-fetish videos, sex machines taking over the world, sweet and oily robot love, Ken Schram having it his way with Ivar Haglund, come shots in SAM's Olympic Sculpture park, an evil gay genius doing scorchin' hot boys under the Space Needle, and ever so much more. And only HUMP ticket holders got to see these things: We destroyed our only copies of the films at the end of the last screening, right in front of the audience.
There were two $2000 first-place prizes this year: Best Hardcore and Best Humor. We didn't break the films out into Hardcore or Humor categories. Instead we let HUMP audiences decide which films belonged in which category. Everyone that attended HUMP was handed a ballot on the way in and got to cast one vote for Hardcore and one for Humor for any two films.
And here are the films that received more than 100 votes in the Hardcore category:
Rise of the Machines, with 148 votes. A humorous look at a future ruled by President Dan Savage (who succeeded President Jenna Bush) and insatiable sex machines that make women squirt.
Sex on Roller Skates, with 172 votes. Two tall, lean, very good-looking boys skate into Capitol Hill's Pony, play a little Air Hockey, and then fuck the night away--on roller skates. In the morning they go for a naked skate through SAM's Olympic Sculpture Park.
Vampire Strip Club, with 352 votes. A hot babe with an incredible body auditions to work at the titular strip club. But it's not just a vampire-themed strip club...
Broken, with 396 votes. An evil genius with a sex-slave ray gun enslaves the Federal Department of Terrorism investigator sent to arrest him. Told backwards, a la Momento, this film involved tons of hot gay sex, gigantic come shots, and HUMP's only mention of Mitt Romney.
And coming in first in the Hardcore category, taking home the trophy, the check for $2000, and a gift basket from Babeland...
Lauren Likes Candy, with 480 votes. This was HUMP's only girl-on-girl submission this year--and it rocked the house. Candy confesses that she's a pain slut, and the sadistic Lauren is only to happy to provide Candy with the pain she craves. This hardcore BDSM flick pushed the audiences comfort levels and the audiences rewarded the filmmakers with their votes.
And here are the films that received more than 100 votes in the Humor category:
AFP, with 117 votes. A pizza delivery boy straight out of Alien serves some hot sausage to a desperate housewife straight out of Predator. An animated short, AFP--or Alien Fucks Predator--featured the evening's most surprising come shot.
The Room, with 314 votes. When two roommates run out to get a sandwich their couches seize the opportunity. The couches proceed to get it on in more positions than even the horniest sofaphile thought possible.
Zombie Tapioca Lovefest 4000, with 423 votes. After sleeping with every freak in Seattle, a desperate man--a cute desperate man--decides to go for the only thrill left: fucking the dead. Well, the undead. In a tub full of tapioca pudding. Great production values, hilarious dialogue, and a cunnilingus scene that will live in infamy. Truly outstanding.
And coming in first in the Humor category, taking home the trophy, the check for $2000, and a gift basket from Babeland...
Queer Safari, with 729 votes. The runaway audience favorite of HUMP 3, Queer Safari featured a huge troop of actors, the biggest dick in this year's festival, and absolutely hilarious script. A Steve Irwin-style adventurer enters Woodland Park with only a picture of his wife, his wits, and his cameraman to protect him. There he encounters the Pacific Northwest's largest glory hole, roaring bears, roaming packs of endangered twinks, lurking dudes, and dancing fag hags. Queer Safari ends with a Blair Witch parody that, amazingly, wasn't tired at all thanks to the filmmakers creativity and their actors' willingness to take risks--and, uh, the biggest cock in this year's HUMP.
Congrats to Lauren Likes Candy and Queer Safari, this year's winners. And, hey, a big round of applause for the audiences that choose these films. The audiences at HUMP were overwhelmingly straight and yet they gave top honors to two queer films. Some of the strongest submissions this year--Broken, Sex on Roller Skates, Lauren Likes Candy, and Queer Safari--were queers. "The homos really brought it," one audience member told me on the way out. They sure did!
But thanks to everyone that entered--gay, straight, lesbian, bisexual, alien, sofa--and, hey, HUMP 4 is coming up in just twelve months. Hopefully straight Seattle will rise to the challenge and it'll be HUMP 4: Revenge of the Breeders!