Submissions to HUMP! 4—Seattle's biggest, best, and, uh, only amateur (and locally produced!) porn festival—must be in our offices by 5:30 PM on this coming Monday. (Psst! The HUMP! jury won't actually be gathering to view submissions and decide what's going into the festival until Tuesday night, so if you need an extra night to work on your film... take it. Just make sure we have your submission in our offices by 4 PM on Tuesday, which is the dropdeadline.) Tickets for HUMP! 4 go on sale Wednesday October 8. Watch this space—and that print edition we sometimes put out—for details, show times, and updates!

More info about HUMP!—including mandatory release forms—here.

Hump Tip #3

Only 12 more days to make a HUMP! film! People are still trying to find each other HERE. Maybe you have camera, but no actors? Or maybe you have people but no cameraman... either way, it's not too late. Not yet.

Also, remember that you might not even need a bunch of actors - perhaps you just need ONE, and uh, a bunch of bananas, donuts, peaches, and Twizzlers...

GET A CAMERA. Borrow, rent, or steal one. Okay, maybe not the latter. You can rent one HERE, HERE, or HERE. Also remember most new digital still cameras (and cell phones) have a video options.

17 More Days! Get HUMP!-ing.

Wednesday, Sept 17th. And you know what? There's only 18 more days to make a HUMP! film. EIGHTEEN. The clock is seriously ticking. I'm going to start posting tips, every day, to hopefully inspire you to be a HUMP! filmmaker, instead of just a HUMP! filmgoer. Sir Savage answers some FAQ in Savage Love this week, and there's tons more information HERE.

HUMP! Tip #1
CASTING. Don't write some elaborate script that's going to be impossible to cast. Find actors first. Remind them that part of the HUMP! protocol is destroying the film, onstage, at the final screening of the festival. It's NOT coming back to haunt anyone. Also remind them that they don't necessarily have to show their face. Get creative. Think Halloween! Think masks. Um, maybe think bunny masks? Like this still from the brand new Vivid Alt flick Honey Bunny?

^{Little bunny WOOT WOO. Watch the trailer HERE. NSFW (duh).}

Uh, has this already been all over the web? I haven't seen it, a Google image search isn't giving me any matches to it, and the letter-to-the-editor writer (the email they sent is in a thread that mentions http://whatreallyhappened.com and alaskacafe.blogspot.com, though I can't find it on either site) hasn't gotten back to me. It's gotta be fake, right?

Did anyone else just put on Hall & Oates' "Sara Smile"?

Gay Bondage and JO Porn for HUMP!

We want to make a short film for HUMP that involves a bondage and JO scene. We're looking for a hot guy with a nice dick who's turned on by being tied down and edged. No oral, no anal, no nothin' else. Filming will probably take two to three hours, and we're willing to pay the right guy $200 (negotiable for the really right guy!), and we'll give you a cut of the winnings if we win. Last year's top winners were a lesbian bondage film and a gay humor film—this one will have gay bondage and humor, so we're sure to win!

It'll be safe and fun, and you don't have to show your face in the film if you're not comfortable with that. But you gotta have a hot bod!

You can respond to this ad here. More HUMP ads are here. And you can place your own HUMP classified here.

Have Camera and Editing Gear

Need shooting and cutting, or both? Let me know. I have a bitchin HD camera and an equally bitchin Final Cut editing station. For the last 2 years, folks I know have talked big about doing HUMP, but nothing came out of it. If you have the idea and the personnel, I have all the tech goodies.

You can respond to this ad here. More HUMP ads are here. And you can place your own HUMP classified here.

Redhead male with small dick looking for once only extra role

Hi, this is the first time i have done this. I have always wanted to be part of a Sex or Porn movie. I don’t think i am star material but think as an extra i could play the part. I am willing to do anything as an extra. I have a small uncut dick that measures 2.5 soft and 3.5 hard. it is small and some say cute. I am a redhead and good looking. Well i think i am...lol maybe a role as a humiliated husband or boyfriend. a cockold role would also be suitable for the situation. Can anyone help me here and point me in the right direction. This would be a one off. Well if i was good and liked it i would have to give my day job up.

To respond to this ad, go here. To read other HUMP ads—or to take one out yourself—go here.

Female owned erotica publication seeking women to assist in HUMP video

Erotic publication, BLAM! BLAM! is seeking women in the film industry to help us make a short film for Hump. We'd love to get women involved in the brainstorming session to help flush out a story. You are preferably involved in the industry and can provide ideas as well as talent, or assistance on some level. We are interested in dedicated amateurs and professionals. Must be 18+.

We are a publication for the predominately hetero women and want to make an erotic film/porn that will appeal mainly to women. (This is why we are interested in having support from women.) Feel free to check out our website to get an idea of what we're about. www.blamblam.com.

To respond to this ad, go here. You can advertise for help with your HUMP film here.

The indulgent management at Liberty, the best little cocktail-and-sushi lounge on 15th Avenue, is inviting filmmakers making pieces for HUMP to shoot at their bar. Liberty would be a great location for anyone that wants to add some local color—and perhaps some delicious sashimi—to their HUMP submission.

Liberty's HUMP classified ad is here. Full details on making and submitting a film for HUMP—Seattle's amateur (and locally produced!) porn festival—are here.

You came to HUMP! 3. You laughed, you cried, you winced, you voted. And then, on your way out, you realized that you'd lost your car keys too. We looked and looked and couldn't find 'em. Well guess what? They've turned up at On The Boards--the keys to your Acura. We would give you a call if we hadn't given up on finding your keys and tossed your phone number last week. Hopefully you'll see this note and give us a call.

Kelly O asks HUMP! 4 audiences how it was for them...

Of all the sexy events we don't get to attend every year due to our enforced isolation in the Fleshbot porn blogging compound, Seattle's HUMP! Festival is one we regret missing the most: in order to encourage participants to submit their most uninhibited film and video entries without having to worry about that harpy in Human Resources seeing their naughty bits splayed all over the interweb at some point, all submissions are destroyed in front of the audience at the end of each year's program. Which means that those of us who didn't manage to make it to Seattle last weekend missed out on all those "couches doing the nasty, sex on roller skates, aliens fucking predators, hot straight foot-fetish videos, sex machines taking over the world, sweet and oily robot love ... come shots in SAM's Olympic Sculpture park, an evil gay genius doing scorchin' hot boys under the Space Needle, and ever so much more."

The nice folks at On the Boards were concerned as they braced for eight screenings of HUMP this weekend. They had never moved 2400 ticket holders through their building in the space of 26 hours. But by the mid-way point on Saturday--after the twelve hundredth HUMPer had taken his or her seat--OTB artistic director Lane Czaplinski and Sarah Wilke were marveling at how polite and good natured Seattle's porn fans are. People were excited to be at HUMP, thrilled that they could buy a drink in the lobby before the screening, and willing to be quickly herded out the doors to make way for the next crowd. Seattle's third annual amateur-and-locally-produced porn festival came off without a hitch.

Before we announce the winners of this year's HUMP, I would like to thank to Lane and Sarah and everyone else at OTB for allowing us to smut up the place for the weekend. Thanks to OTB twice as many people were able to attend HUMP this year--and see it on a much bigger screen--as were able to attend in years past.

And what did attendees see? Couches doing the nasty, sex on roller skates, aliens fucking predators, hot straight foot-fetish videos, sex machines taking over the world, sweet and oily robot love, Ken Schram having it his way with Ivar Haglund, come shots in SAM's Olympic Sculpture park, an evil gay genius doing scorchin' hot boys under the Space Needle, and ever so much more. And only HUMP ticket holders got to see these things: We destroyed our only copies of the films at the end of the last screening, right in front of the audience.

There were two $2000 first-place prizes this year: Best Hardcore and Best Humor. We didn't break the films out into Hardcore or Humor categories. Instead we let HUMP audiences decide which films belonged in which category. Everyone that attended HUMP was handed a ballot on the way in and got to cast one vote for Hardcore and one for Humor for any two films.

And here are the films that received more than 100 votes in the Hardcore category:

Rise of the Machines, with 148 votes. A humorous look at a future ruled by President Dan Savage (who succeeded President Jenna Bush) and insatiable sex machines that make women squirt.

Sex on Roller Skates, with 172 votes. Two tall, lean, very good-looking boys skate into Capitol Hill's Pony, play a little Air Hockey, and then fuck the night away--on roller skates. In the morning they go for a naked skate through SAM's Olympic Sculpture Park.

Vampire Strip Club, with 352 votes. A hot babe with an incredible body auditions to work at the titular strip club. But it's not just a vampire-themed strip club...

Broken, with 396 votes. An evil genius with a sex-slave ray gun enslaves the Federal Department of Terrorism investigator sent to arrest him. Told backwards, a la Momento, this film involved tons of hot gay sex, gigantic come shots, and HUMP's only mention of Mitt Romney.

And coming in first in the Hardcore category, taking home the trophy, the check for $2000, and a gift basket from Babeland...

Lauren Likes Candy, with 480 votes. This was HUMP's only girl-on-girl submission this year--and it rocked the house. Candy confesses that she's a pain slut, and the sadistic Lauren is only to happy to provide Candy with the pain she craves. This hardcore BDSM flick pushed the audiences comfort levels and the audiences rewarded the filmmakers with their votes.

And here are the films that received more than 100 votes in the Humor category:

AFP, with 117 votes. A pizza delivery boy straight out of Alien serves some hot sausage to a desperate housewife straight out of Predator. An animated short, AFP--or Alien Fucks Predator--featured the evening's most surprising come shot.

The Room, with 314 votes. When two roommates run out to get a sandwich their couches seize the opportunity. The couches proceed to get it on in more positions than even the horniest sofaphile thought possible.

Zombie Tapioca Lovefest 4000, with 423 votes. After sleeping with every freak in Seattle, a desperate man--a cute desperate man--decides to go for the only thrill left: fucking the dead. Well, the undead. In a tub full of tapioca pudding. Great production values, hilarious dialogue, and a cunnilingus scene that will live in infamy. Truly outstanding.

And coming in first in the Humor category, taking home the trophy, the check for $2000, and a gift basket from Babeland...

Queer Safari, with 729 votes. The runaway audience favorite of HUMP 3, Queer Safari featured a huge troop of actors, the biggest dick in this year's festival, and absolutely hilarious script. A Steve Irwin-style adventurer enters Woodland Park with only a picture of his wife, his wits, and his cameraman to protect him. There he encounters the Pacific Northwest's largest glory hole, roaring bears, roaming packs of endangered twinks, lurking dudes, and dancing fag hags. Queer Safari ends with a Blair Witch parody that, amazingly, wasn't tired at all thanks to the filmmakers creativity and their actors' willingness to take risks--and, uh, the biggest cock in this year's HUMP.

Congrats to Lauren Likes Candy and Queer Safari, this year's winners. And, hey, a big round of applause for the audiences that choose these films. The audiences at HUMP were overwhelmingly straight and yet they gave top honors to two queer films. Some of the strongest submissions this year--Broken, Sex on Roller Skates, Lauren Likes Candy, and Queer Safari--were queers. "The homos really brought it," one audience member told me on the way out. They sure did!

But thanks to everyone that entered--gay, straight, lesbian, bisexual, alien, sofa--and, hey, HUMP 4 is coming up in just twelve months. Hopefully straight Seattle will rise to the challenge and it'll be HUMP 4: Revenge of the Breeders!

Seattle amateur-and-locally-produced porn festival is officially the hottest ticket in town. All eight HUMP! screenings at On the Boards are sold out, so if you're not one of the 2400 ticket holders, well, you're shit out of luck, right?

Not necessarily. Rush seats will be available before each screening, and each year we manage to squeeze a few people in. The best bet for rush tickets are the not-quite-prime-time screenings. There probably won't be many (or any) rush tickets for tonight's or Saturday's 8 PM screenings, but there should be some for tonight's 6 PM screening or tomorrow's noon, 2, and 4 PM screenings.

There's no opening night party for HUMP! but there are plenty of bars in the area. And, hey, you're going to need a drink and some time to process Lauren Likes Candy, Queer Safari, AFP, Thank God the Audio Works, and the other great films submitted for this year's HUMP! May I suggest a drink at Solo Bar after your screening? It's is just 4 short blocks from On the Boards and tonight they're featuring DJs spinning sleazy disco--a perfect match for HUMP!

A sloppy, wet thank you to all 3,565 of you who took our online sex survey this week. We're tabulating the results right now.

Which Seattle neighborhood is most into bestiality? Who's kinkier, couples who meet on MySpace or couples who meet in church? Why do so many Capitol Hill women say they are repulsed by testicles? Look for these and other titillating totals and trends in our October 4 Hump! issue.

Also: There are literally just a handful of Hump! 3 tickets left (only for the October 6 Noon screening). We cannot add any more screenings. Get yours before they're gone for good.

Someone's scalping tickets to HUMP over at Craigslist. The scalpers are moving in because the four shows we originally announced sold out, and the two added shows we announced on Thursday sold out in 24 hours. We've added one more show--Saturday October 6 at 2 PM. Tickets--at regular, non-scalper prices--are on sale here.

Tickets are now available for additional shows.

HUMP! goes down at On the Boards Friday, October 5, and Saturday, October 6. Tickets are on sale now for added a 10 pm Friday show and a 4 pm on Saturday show. Get 'em while they're, uh, gettable.

We thought we could get away with fewer screenings this year -- since this year's venue, On the Boards, has almost three times as many seats. But the four announced shows have sold out already... so we're adding more. Times to be announced shortly.

...and Hump! 3 is about to sell out. A few tickets are still available for the 6 pm shows October 5 and 6.

I posted this yesterday, but I'm moving up--keep those suggested questions coming!

For our upcoming HUMP issue, which hits the streets October 4, we're going to bring back our annual Stranger Sex Survey. We're compiling questions right now--the stuff we wanna know about our readers' dirty, dirty sex lives--and I wanted to invite Sloggers to suggest questions too.

What do you wanna know? Post any and all suggested sex questions in comments and look for the Stranger Sex Survey in next week's issue of The Stranger.

Oh, and tickets are on sale NOW.

Monday was the deadline for getting films in for this year's HUMP. Now we're sitting in the basement of my house, eating hot dogs and corn on the cob, and watching the submissions. Just another night at home with the fam.

Tickets for HUMP go on sale tomorrow...

HUMP! tickets go on sale this Thursday. Watch this space for info about getting yours...

This has never happened before. The deadline for submitting a film for HUMP! is a week away, and we already have four submissions in the building... here's hoping this year's HUMP! is the best HUMP! yet...

More HUMP! info here.

Eli is carefully tracking the Hillary v. Obama dustup; Josh and Erica are debating the mayor's housing policies; Jen is writing movingly about two artists that committed suicide (or was it muuuuurrrrderrrrr?); Dominic is slapping around congressional Dems in the Washington delegation for a boneheaded vote on medical marijuana; and Jonathan Golob is debunking that obesity-is-contageous study.

Me? I'm writing "Savage Love"--or I'm supposed to be writing "Savage Love." The cover of the current issue of The Stranger, which is sitting on my desk, keeps distracting me. Mostly because I'm hoping that everyone pictured on the cover--with the exception of, uh, that wee baby in the lower left-hand corner--is making a film for HUMP!, the Stranger's annual amateur and locally produced porn festival. But I'm especially hoping that these three guys are making a film for HUMP!

And this guy too, if he's a guy and not one of those sexy boyish lesbians that make me feel conflicted and confused...

Ecce Homo shall start discussion in the comments thread attached to this post concerning the appalling inappropriateness of this post, detailing my deficiencies as a parent and a person. Other commenters will then weigh in, decrying my ageism, my looksism, my anti-fat bigotry, and my promotion of the "unattainable beauty standards" that these guys somehow managed to attain.

But it will be worth it if these guys--all of them photographed at Pony last weekend--will see this post and decide, hey, we're gonna enter HUMP.

For details about how you--the guys shown above, everyone else reading at home--can enter HUMP!, click here.

One of the highlights of the very first HUMP, the Stranger's annual locally produced porn festival, was lesbian sex romp "Pirate vs. Ninja." It featured a buxom pirate and a butch, mohawked ninja battling it out for the, uh, hand of a bound, blindfolded babe kneeling in a treasure chest filled with other booty. It had the best dialogue of any HUMP entries that year--to say nothing of the best swordplay and, once the ninja defeated the pirate, some of the hottest sex. Turns more than one way to swallow a sword.

If you missed the first HUMP, or you had your head in your date's lap during "Pirate vs. Ninja," the video is now available for purchase at TwoBigMeanies.com. It's a steal at $3.99.

And while you're at the site check out some of the other fine, original, and locally produced BDSM porn at TwoBigMeanies.com. If you though the Stranger's 2006 Sexiest Personal Trainer--Miss Candy--was hot, then you'll wanna check out her star turn at TwoBigMeanies.

Oh, and speaking of HUMP...

We're gearing up for HUMP 3 and we're looking for a good tag line. Last year we called it "HUMP 2: Electric Boogaloo." So far we've come up with "HUMP 3: Free To Screw You and Me." Anyone got any better ideas?

More HUMP 3 details coming soon. We're going to have bigger prizes, more prize categories, and more fun get-this-in-your-video challenges for filmmakers. This year's HUMP goes down October 19-20. Mark your calendars, call your sexually adventurous friends, and make plans to make porn!

NOTE: None of the links above are safe for work (though you'd have to be a fucking moron not to deduce that from the phrases "lesbian sex romp" and "BDSM porn").

This is what the war on terror has come down to.
(note: NSFW)

The second-place winner at The Stranger's amateur porn extravaganza last weekend has decided to sell his wildly popular movie for $10 a copy...

Want to own the short film about which David Schmader wrote...

Made me laugh so hard I repeatedly snorted like a hog.

...and which involved the use of the game Mousetrap in a manner that, again quoting Schmader, "deserves the comedy equivalent of the Nobel Prize"?

Details in the jump...

(Via Seattlest.)

Continue reading "Getting a Leg Up in Porn, Now Available on DVD" »

While everyone else is chitter-chattering about vaginas, female-ejactulations, and the honkin-huge hose on that lawn boy kid, I personally can't get over the terrifying, yet, kinda HOT dream I had, after seeing HUMP!, that involved me being chased down Broadway by a GIANT Jack in the Box antenna ball.... Let's just say, he "caught" me, and now I can't even walk by that restaurant without feeling, well, "funny". Have I lost my mind? Will I ever be able to go in there and order a Jack Taco without feeling like a pervert? In any case, the filmmaker of HUMP!'s "Jacking Off" is brilliant, and just as good as any or all of those animated shows on cable's [adult swim]. Huzzahs!!

If I worked for a sex advice columnist, I might ask, on behalf of several confused/traumatized gay men who attended HUMP with me:

What the heck is female ejaculation anyway?

In particular, the homos I went to HUMP with (one of whom literally hid inside his hoodie during the "Pirate Damsel" scenes), were wondering afterward:

Is it pee?

What hole does it come out of?

Can all women do it?

Like a whole bunch of other people, this weekend I attended HUMP!, The Stranger's second annual amateur porn competition at Northwest Film Forum. I've seen plenty of porn, and even been inside one or two old-timey "adult cinemas"; nevertheless, attending HUMP! provided me with several new life experiences.

1. Seeing someone I kinda know in a porn movie. (I met grand prize winner Bo Logan when he appeared in Pizzazz!, the Stranger talent show, as masked emo superhero Great Guy, and I never would've guessed what a love machine he is.)

2. Seeing a porno that made me laugh so hard I repeatedly snorted like a hog. (The use of the Mousetrap game in "How to Get a Leg Up in Porn" deserves the comedy equivalent of the Nobel Prize.)

3. Peeking between my fingers at a screenful of something—male ejaculate? female ejaculate? rubber cement?—dripping out of a Pirate Damsel's vagina. (There's nothing more to say.)

But the most impressive element of the evening was the crowd. Porn isn't something you usually watch communally, and porn viewers rarely watch porn that isn't specifically to their liking. At HUMP, every audience member was sure to see something that was ostensibly up his or her alley, along with a few things he or she had never been exposed to before and might rather die before seeing again. The group experience—laughing, gasping in amazement, sitting silently in stricken horror—was really odd and wonderful and somewhat revolutionary-feeling. (That's a terrible hyphenate phrase, but hopefully those who were there know what I mean.)

Thanks to all the filmmakers—even the freak who underscored his gang bang with John Lennon's "Working Class Hero" and the L.A. cowgirls who did shots of come—and confidential to the creator of "Jacking Off": Your film is brilliant, and should be seen by millions. Since it features no actual people, any chance you might let us post it on Slog? Let me know...

P.S. It's true—the "Lawnboy" wang was huge huge HUGE! However, in my humble, thug-loving opinion, the hottest dude in HUMP 2 was the porch-humper in "Bois." Hubba hubba...

I like HUMP! for its sex-positive, all-in-good-fun attitude. The films that I thought were best were not the just-banging-away type films, but ones with humor and inventiveness.

The winning films were fabulous, of course. I also loved Condoments, I'll never sit at a restaurant table in ignorance again.

One film that hasn't gotten much mention, but was memorable in a hardcore-porn kinda way, was Fast and Hard in the Wild West. They had a whole Old West movie set, inside and outside, cowboy costumes, and five (!) people participating. It took some doing to make something that dirty.

There were definitely some very-alarming moments—and I have the arm-gripping bruises to prove it—but also many funny, sexy, eye-popping, and yes, head-scratching, scenes. Good work, HUMPers.

1. Female ejaculate is more powerful and assertive than the most virile man-goo. I had no idea it could spurt like that. Holy crap. Stand back. That shit is MACHO.

2. Once the fucking starts, most porn looks the same to me. Like pistons firing - totally mechanical. It's all about the set up. Getting a chance to anticipate someone's nudity is so much more exciting than the payoff. Unless it's a vaginal geyser.

3. A paper napkin and a salt shaker can be 100 times more stimlulating than a real penetration scene. Who knew? Hooray for phallic condiments!

In third place, taking a cash prize of $250...

"Lawnboy."

In second place, taking a cash prize of $500...

"Getting a Leg Up in Porn."

In first place, taking a cash prize of $2000 and a trip for two to Las Vegas...

"Come On Love, Bo Logan is Waiting."

Thanks to all who entered or attended HUMP 2. The films were a blast, the screenings were a blast, the closing night gala at Havana was a blast. See you next year.

Northwest Film Forum was packed last night with porn fans and porn stars—and a good time was had by all. I'm too busy tearing tickets and policing the screenings (no cell phone cameras allowed) to write a full report. But the PI's Vanessa Ho wrote up HUMP's opening night in this morning's paper.

It may seem strange that in a city where you can't get a lap dance, can't smoke in a bar and can't buy high-octane beer downtown (as of Nov. 1), you can watch a whole bunch of amateur porn and not feel like a total pervert....

This year, films include gay, straight, funny and group sex; copulation between a salt shaker and a napkin; beautiful, artsy sensuality; and raunchy, stop-motion sex between two dolls.
Some people say the popularity of the festival, which ends tonight, is a liberation of sexual taboos and a dig at what some people view as an increasingly dour City Hall.

Others say Hump! is an ideal blend of Seattle's love of film, do-it-yourself leanings and a Northwest sexiness borne of rainy winters and rugged summers.

"There's the long, dark winters in Seattle that lend themselves to sex," said Rachel Venning, co-founder of Seattle-based Babeland, a chain of sex-toy stores. "It's the perfect event for Seattle. It's no wonder it's so successful." ...

"It's a window in the collective erotic imagination of the city," [Stranger editor Dan Savage] said. "Even if every film isn't to your taste, it's interesting to have that window into your fellow citizen's inner life."

My HUMP highlight so far: Getting to shake the hand of the man—or the hot gay boy, I should say—whose performance in "Lawnboy," an audience favorite, inspired Bradley Steinbacher to write this HUMP capsule review:

Super giant cock. Super giant cock. Super giant cock. Super giant cock. Super giant cock. Super giant cock. Super giant cock. Super giant cock. Super giant cock. Super giant cock. Super giant cock. Super giant cock. Super giant cock. Super giant cock. Super giant cock. Super giant cock. Super giant cock. Super giant cock. Super giant cock. Super giant cock. Super giant cock. Super giant cock. Super giant cock. Super giant cock. Super giant cock. Super giant cock. Really. Super. Giant. Cock.

UPDATE: From the Comments...

Oh, and I'll ask again here ('cause, who reads the forums anymore?): why no dyke films in competition? Not complaining, since I assume there's a reason. . . just wondering what the reason is. No films? Bad films?

A very interesting question, Violet DaGrinder. Last year HUMP had no gay films and tons of lesbian action. Who can forget the piss-and-play-piercing action in "Grinding Gears"? Or the expert sword play in "Pirate vs. Ninja"? There were lots of gay men at HUMP last year, but almost no gay action on the screen. Gay men complained about, we called them on their bullshit (don't bitch about there not being any gay films, guys, if you're not prepared to make one!), and we got a good selection of gay films for HUMP 2.

We were shocked—shocked and saddened—when we finished watching this year's submissions and realized there was no lesbian action. What happened? We dunno. There was one "lesbish" submission: "The Passion of Idaho." This film feature no actual lesbians, or lesbian action, just a few lesbian-identified potatoes rolling around. The jury felt that the lesbian potato film didn't make the grade—and, really, lesbians have enough body-image issues without seeing themselves played by potatoes at HUMP.

UPDATE 2: Sex writer, educator, and blogger Violet Blue is in town for HUMP and she's digging Seattle.

HUMP! is a great example of what I'm feeling right now about how Seattle is pushing ever forward with sex culture in America. Something as wildly popular as HUMP! takes porn out of the hands of small-minded southern California businesses and shows that "porn by the people, for the people" is viable, valid, thriving, healthy and fun. This film fest started small last year but exploded in its second round, with fourteen sold out shows starting tonight and hundreds of entries my friends at The Stranger told me are of incredibly high quality. [Actually, it's "dozens," not "hundreds"—but, yes, the quality is high!] Believe me—read the film reviews of the homemade hardcore films I'll be seeing tonight (and know it's a boiled-down sampling of the over 3 hours of under 8-minute films that were submitted for the fest). People did this!

So Seattle—thank you.

Thank you, Violet Blue!

UPDATE 3: Q13 Fox News was here earlier today. If you missed HUMP but wanna see what the action was like and hear some reactions from HUMP goers, check out Q13 tonight at 10.

UPDATE 4: Holy shit. Hundreds of folks lining up on 12th Steet, people clamoring to get rush seats, guys outside stapling dollar bills to their chests, lots of foggy looking people with the munchies getting popcorn. Sorting and counting ballots after the screening. And doing it again and again and again—six screenings Friday, eight screenings Saturday. We are fucking fried. If I never see another porn again—particularly one featuring female ejaculation and/or come running out of someone's vagina—it will be too soon.

But check with again tomorrow and I'll probably be back to my old self. Right now, though, I'm ready to hand out some prizes and hit the sack.

Oh, one last observation: There were so many completely fucking hot people in the audiences—folks who, you know, really should have been up on the screen. I'm not saying that average folks shouldn't be up on the screen too—I like the mix at HUMP. Young folks, old folks, buff folks, softer folks. Still, it was hard not to wish some of the folks walking in had made films. There were just so many guys—and a few gals—coming through the doors that I wanted to see naked.

And hopefully now that we've done this twice, and folks have seen that it's fun and safe and we do our damndest to protect folks who participate (I even make a speech asking people to be nice—me!—telling the crowds no booing, no mean-spirited cracks), more of the people who come to HUMP will feel like they can participate next year and put themselves up on the screen. (I tell people no mean-spirited cracks because they could be sitting next to the folks whose images are up there on the screen.)

And, yes, I mean you in the second row.

Okay, HUMP 3! is one year from today. Get busy folks.

UPDATE 5: Okay, it's all over. At the end of the last show we destroyed our only copies of this year's HUMP entries—our tapes and our backups—in front of the final sell-out crowd. So if you missed "Lawnboy," "Come On Love," "Getting a Leg Up in Porn," "Condoments," "Jacking Off," "Cute Sweet Hot Sexy," "Fairies on a Ferry," and all the rest of this year's HUMP films, well, you missed them. These films will never be seen again—unless the folks who made them elect to show them to you.

Okay, we're counting the last batch of ballots, and then we're off to Havana to hand out the prizes...

I was just up at the desk of our production guy Dan Paulus, who showed me his most prized personal posession:

Animal crackers 69ing! He found them in the box this way 2 years ago. Although the HUMP! rules exclude porn involving animals, we can still speculate -- what kind of animals are they? It seems to be some cross-species action between a... polar bear? And a koala?

This is it—your last chance to get a ticket to see HUMP, Seattle's oldest and largest amateur porn festival. Once tickets for this screening are gone, they're, like, totally gone. And once HUMP is over, these killer pornos will never, ever be seen again. Click here for tickets.

This is it, porn fans. We've added one more HUMP screening—Friday at 4:00 p.m.—and we won't be adding anymore. We can't possibly add anymore, no more, no how.

Click here to get a ticket. Do it now.