If I worked for a sex advice columnist, I might ask, on behalf of several confused/traumatized gay men who attended HUMP with me:

What the heck is female ejaculation anyway?

In particular, the homos I went to HUMP with (one of whom literally hid inside his hoodie during the "Pirate Damsel" scenes), were wondering afterward:

Is it pee?

What hole does it come out of?

Can all women do it?

Like a whole bunch of other people, this weekend I attended HUMP!, The Stranger's second annual amateur porn competition at Northwest Film Forum. I've seen plenty of porn, and even been inside one or two old-timey "adult cinemas"; nevertheless, attending HUMP! provided me with several new life experiences.

1. Seeing someone I kinda know in a porn movie. (I met grand prize winner Bo Logan when he appeared in Pizzazz!, the Stranger talent show, as masked emo superhero Great Guy, and I never would've guessed what a love machine he is.)

2. Seeing a porno that made me laugh so hard I repeatedly snorted like a hog. (The use of the Mousetrap game in "How to Get a Leg Up in Porn" deserves the comedy equivalent of the Nobel Prize.)

3. Peeking between my fingers at a screenful of something—male ejaculate? female ejaculate? rubber cement?—dripping out of a Pirate Damsel's vagina. (There's nothing more to say.)

But the most impressive element of the evening was the crowd. Porn isn't something you usually watch communally, and porn viewers rarely watch porn that isn't specifically to their liking. At HUMP, every audience member was sure to see something that was ostensibly up his or her alley, along with a few things he or she had never been exposed to before and might rather die before seeing again. The group experience—laughing, gasping in amazement, sitting silently in stricken horror—was really odd and wonderful and somewhat revolutionary-feeling. (That's a terrible hyphenate phrase, but hopefully those who were there know what I mean.)

Thanks to all the filmmakers—even the freak who underscored his gang bang with John Lennon's "Working Class Hero" and the L.A. cowgirls who did shots of come—and confidential to the creator of "Jacking Off": Your film is brilliant, and should be seen by millions. Since it features no actual people, any chance you might let us post it on Slog? Let me know...

P.S. It's true—the "Lawnboy" wang was huge huge HUGE! However, in my humble, thug-loving opinion, the hottest dude in HUMP 2 was the porch-humper in "Bois." Hubba hubba...

I like HUMP! for its sex-positive, all-in-good-fun attitude. The films that I thought were best were not the just-banging-away type films, but ones with humor and inventiveness.

The winning films were fabulous, of course. I also loved Condoments, I'll never sit at a restaurant table in ignorance again.

One film that hasn't gotten much mention, but was memorable in a hardcore-porn kinda way, was Fast and Hard in the Wild West. They had a whole Old West movie set, inside and outside, cowboy costumes, and five (!) people participating. It took some doing to make something that dirty.

There were definitely some very-alarming moments—and I have the arm-gripping bruises to prove it—but also many funny, sexy, eye-popping, and yes, head-scratching, scenes. Good work, HUMPers.

1. Female ejaculate is more powerful and assertive than the most virile man-goo. I had no idea it could spurt like that. Holy crap. Stand back. That shit is MACHO.

2. Once the fucking starts, most porn looks the same to me. Like pistons firing - totally mechanical. It's all about the set up. Getting a chance to anticipate someone's nudity is so much more exciting than the payoff. Unless it's a vaginal geyser.

3. A paper napkin and a salt shaker can be 100 times more stimlulating than a real penetration scene. Who knew? Hooray for phallic condiments!

In third place, taking a cash prize of $250...

"Lawnboy."

In second place, taking a cash prize of $500...

"Getting a Leg Up in Porn."

In first place, taking a cash prize of $2000 and a trip for two to Las Vegas...

"Come On Love, Bo Logan is Waiting."

Thanks to all who entered or attended HUMP 2. The films were a blast, the screenings were a blast, the closing night gala at Havana was a blast. See you next year.

Northwest Film Forum was packed last night with porn fans and porn stars—and a good time was had by all. I'm too busy tearing tickets and policing the screenings (no cell phone cameras allowed) to write a full report. But the PI's Vanessa Ho wrote up HUMP's opening night in this morning's paper.

It may seem strange that in a city where you can't get a lap dance, can't smoke in a bar and can't buy high-octane beer downtown (as of Nov. 1), you can watch a whole bunch of amateur porn and not feel like a total pervert....

This year, films include gay, straight, funny and group sex; copulation between a salt shaker and a napkin; beautiful, artsy sensuality; and raunchy, stop-motion sex between two dolls.
Some people say the popularity of the festival, which ends tonight, is a liberation of sexual taboos and a dig at what some people view as an increasingly dour City Hall.

Others say Hump! is an ideal blend of Seattle's love of film, do-it-yourself leanings and a Northwest sexiness borne of rainy winters and rugged summers.

"There's the long, dark winters in Seattle that lend themselves to sex," said Rachel Venning, co-founder of Seattle-based Babeland, a chain of sex-toy stores. "It's the perfect event for Seattle. It's no wonder it's so successful." ...

"It's a window in the collective erotic imagination of the city," [Stranger editor Dan Savage] said. "Even if every film isn't to your taste, it's interesting to have that window into your fellow citizen's inner life."

My HUMP highlight so far: Getting to shake the hand of the man—or the hot gay boy, I should say—whose performance in "Lawnboy," an audience favorite, inspired Bradley Steinbacher to write this HUMP capsule review:

Super giant cock. Super giant cock. Super giant cock. Super giant cock. Super giant cock. Super giant cock. Super giant cock. Super giant cock. Super giant cock. Super giant cock. Super giant cock. Super giant cock. Super giant cock. Super giant cock. Super giant cock. Super giant cock. Super giant cock. Super giant cock. Super giant cock. Super giant cock. Super giant cock. Super giant cock. Super giant cock. Super giant cock. Super giant cock. Super giant cock. Really. Super. Giant. Cock.

UPDATE: From the Comments...

Oh, and I'll ask again here ('cause, who reads the forums anymore?): why no dyke films in competition? Not complaining, since I assume there's a reason. . . just wondering what the reason is. No films? Bad films?

A very interesting question, Violet DaGrinder. Last year HUMP had no gay films and tons of lesbian action. Who can forget the piss-and-play-piercing action in "Grinding Gears"? Or the expert sword play in "Pirate vs. Ninja"? There were lots of gay men at HUMP last year, but almost no gay action on the screen. Gay men complained about, we called them on their bullshit (don't bitch about there not being any gay films, guys, if you're not prepared to make one!), and we got a good selection of gay films for HUMP 2.

We were shocked—shocked and saddened—when we finished watching this year's submissions and realized there was no lesbian action. What happened? We dunno. There was one "lesbish" submission: "The Passion of Idaho." This film feature no actual lesbians, or lesbian action, just a few lesbian-identified potatoes rolling around. The jury felt that the lesbian potato film didn't make the grade—and, really, lesbians have enough body-image issues without seeing themselves played by potatoes at HUMP.

UPDATE 2: Sex writer, educator, and blogger Violet Blue is in town for HUMP and she's digging Seattle.

HUMP! is a great example of what I'm feeling right now about how Seattle is pushing ever forward with sex culture in America. Something as wildly popular as HUMP! takes porn out of the hands of small-minded southern California businesses and shows that "porn by the people, for the people" is viable, valid, thriving, healthy and fun. This film fest started small last year but exploded in its second round, with fourteen sold out shows starting tonight and hundreds of entries my friends at The Stranger told me are of incredibly high quality. [Actually, it's "dozens," not "hundreds"—but, yes, the quality is high!] Believe me—read the film reviews of the homemade hardcore films I'll be seeing tonight (and know it's a boiled-down sampling of the over 3 hours of under 8-minute films that were submitted for the fest). People did this!

So Seattle—thank you.

Thank you, Violet Blue!

UPDATE 3: Q13 Fox News was here earlier today. If you missed HUMP but wanna see what the action was like and hear some reactions from HUMP goers, check out Q13 tonight at 10.

UPDATE 4: Holy shit. Hundreds of folks lining up on 12th Steet, people clamoring to get rush seats, guys outside stapling dollar bills to their chests, lots of foggy looking people with the munchies getting popcorn. Sorting and counting ballots after the screening. And doing it again and again and again—six screenings Friday, eight screenings Saturday. We are fucking fried. If I never see another porn again—particularly one featuring female ejaculation and/or come running out of someone's vagina—it will be too soon.

But check with again tomorrow and I'll probably be back to my old self. Right now, though, I'm ready to hand out some prizes and hit the sack.

Oh, one last observation: There were so many completely fucking hot people in the audiences—folks who, you know, really should have been up on the screen. I'm not saying that average folks shouldn't be up on the screen too—I like the mix at HUMP. Young folks, old folks, buff folks, softer folks. Still, it was hard not to wish some of the folks walking in had made films. There were just so many guys—and a few gals—coming through the doors that I wanted to see naked.

And hopefully now that we've done this twice, and folks have seen that it's fun and safe and we do our damndest to protect folks who participate (I even make a speech asking people to be nice—me!—telling the crowds no booing, no mean-spirited cracks), more of the people who come to HUMP will feel like they can participate next year and put themselves up on the screen. (I tell people no mean-spirited cracks because they could be sitting next to the folks whose images are up there on the screen.)

And, yes, I mean you in the second row.

Okay, HUMP 3! is one year from today. Get busy folks.

UPDATE 5: Okay, it's all over. At the end of the last show we destroyed our only copies of this year's HUMP entries—our tapes and our backups—in front of the final sell-out crowd. So if you missed "Lawnboy," "Come On Love," "Getting a Leg Up in Porn," "Condoments," "Jacking Off," "Cute Sweet Hot Sexy," "Fairies on a Ferry," and all the rest of this year's HUMP films, well, you missed them. These films will never be seen again—unless the folks who made them elect to show them to you.

Okay, we're counting the last batch of ballots, and then we're off to Havana to hand out the prizes...

I was just up at the desk of our production guy Dan Paulus, who showed me his most prized personal posession:

Animal crackers 69ing! He found them in the box this way 2 years ago. Although the HUMP! rules exclude porn involving animals, we can still speculate -- what kind of animals are they? It seems to be some cross-species action between a... polar bear? And a koala?

This is it—your last chance to get a ticket to see HUMP, Seattle's oldest and largest amateur porn festival. Once tickets for this screening are gone, they're, like, totally gone. And once HUMP is over, these killer pornos will never, ever be seen again. Click here for tickets.

This is it, porn fans. We've added one more HUMP screening—Friday at 4:00 p.m.—and we won't be adding anymore. We can't possibly add anymore, no more, no how.

Click here to get a ticket. Do it now.

Okay, all the screenings for HUMP this weekend are sold out.

We can add just one screening to the already packed schedule—but it's at an odd time, Friday at 4 PM.

We're currently debating whether or not we're gonna go for it. Stay tuned, anxious non-ticket holders.

Due to overwhelming—and I do mean overwhelming—demand (you buncha pervs), we've added five more screenings of Hump 2. They are:

Saturday September 9 at noon and 10 pm (of all films in competition).

Friday September 8 at 7 pm, and Saturday September 9 at 1 pm and 5 pm (for the marathon sessions, wherein every single film entered will be screened).

Tickets go on sale FRIDAY AT 9 AM. $20 for the regular showing; $25 for the marathon shows. To get tickets and info, go here.

So HUMP 2 is entirely sold out—two weeks before the event. There are still people who want tickets and we're hearing from them. We feel your pain, really we do, and we intend to do something about it. Be sure to pick up this week's paper for info about any additional HUMP screenings that we can manage to squeeze on to the schedule. We're not making any promises, but we'll see what we can do.

This week we'll also be announcing times and ticket availability for HUMP 2 Marathons. At the marathons every film submitted to HUMP—not just the films that made it into competition, but every last film—will be screened. The HUMP 2 Marathons are intended to honor the hard work that everyone put into their HUMP submissions—this year we wanted to make sure that every HUMP entry was screened—and to allow folks whose taste for porn is bottomless to come and gorge themselves.

Stay tuned for updates!

The five HUMP screenings we announced in this week's paper have sold out, so we've added three additional screenings: Friday September 8 at 10 PM and Midnight, Saturday September 9 at 2 PM. Tickets for these added screenings are on sale now. Go to our HUMP page for more info and a link to ticket sales.

Well, that didn't take long. All the tickets for HUMP 2 are sold out! We're going to have an emergency meeting in three minutes and see if we can add some extra screenings. Hold tight. Watch the Slog or the HUMP 2 page for updates.

If you want to get tickets to HUMP2—which goes down September 8-9 at Northwest Film Forum (get it? goes down?)—you need to get your tickets quick. Go to our HUMP page for ticket ordering details. The 8 PM shows on Friday and Saturday nights are already sold out, and the 6 PM shows are going to be sold out soon...

The HUMP 2 submissions are in, they were screened for the judges last night, and all I can say is that HUMP 2 audiences are in for some awesome fucking porn viewing. We got funny HUMPs, we got hot HUMPs, we got funny/hot HUMPs, and we got WTF HUMPs. HUMP 2 is not to be missed!

But to see the funny/hot/funnyhot/WTF HUMP films—and to vote for the winner—you're going to need HUMP tickets, which go on sale tomorrow morning at 9 AM. To order tickets for one of the five—count 'em, five!—screenings, go to www.brownpapertickets.com.

A note about the judges: We don't pick the winner, we just narrowed the number of films down. All the HUMP submissions will be screened, but only 20 or so are in competition. The audience will decide who wins the $2000 and the trip to Las Fucking Vegas.

The deadline for HUMP submissions is fast approaching! HUMP entries are due in our offices by 5 PM Monday, August 21, on DVD or VHS. We've already got a few submissions in the building and excitement is building for the upcoming HUMP fest at Northwest Film Forum, September 8-9, 2006.

Lots of HUMPers will no doubt sweating through their final edits and post-production work this weekend. Whether your pulling together a professional-quality short or a charming DIY iMovie on your laptop, we're with you in spirit, HUMPers.

If you start to despair while pulling an all-nighter to finish your film, just remember this: Glory awaits you! All HUMP entries this year will be screened—whether in competition or in the two-day HUMP marathon—and a massive prize package will be bestowed on the best film. The prize package includes tickets to Las Vegas and a hotel stay for two during the Adult Video News Expo when the city is packed full of porn stars—plus $2,000 cash! HUMP's winner is chosen by audience ballot, and will be announced at Havana, Capitol Hill's newest watering hole, after the final screening on Saturday, September 9.

Tickets go on sale Friday, August 25. Watch this space for details!

I had a question about HUMP 2. I am interested in viewing the screenings but haven't seen anything about tickets, prices, or when they will be sold. If we should buy ahead of time or anything so I was looking for general info about viewing if not participating. Thanks—Sarah

You haven't seen anything about purchasing tickets for HUMP, Sarah, because we haven't said anything—online or in the paper—about when, where, and how to get your hands on tickets. I can't give you all the details just now but I can tell you this: HUMP goes down September 8-9 at Northwest Film Forum, and tickets go on sale on Wednesday, August 23rd. Details about purchasing tickets will be announced just as soon as possible.

This aspiring HUMP filmmaker has a few questions...

Just wondering if you could give me tips on the easiest way to get my video from my phone to a DVD. I use T-Mobile so I put them in my album but dont know how to copy to DVD. Also, they are 15 sec snips becuse thats all my phone will record so I'll have to put them all together.

I noticed in the rules that there are"no animals." Well, the cat is there in one flick. I didn't fuck her... just said "hello pussy." Should I not include that part? The dildo we used Is a "Rabit" but since that is just a brand I think it should be ok.—R.L.

First the question I can answer: The rules say "no animals," but what we mean is "no fucking animals." No bestiality, no real K9 action, no cross-species love. Stuffed animals are fine, furries are fine, and actual animals are fine if they appear in establishing shots or incidental shots. If a person made a film outside at, say, Greenlake, it would hard to keep dogs and geese out of the shot. (The rules also say "no childrenâ€�—and that is an absolute ban. No kids, period.)

A rabbit dildo is fine, smartass.

Now the question I can't answer: How do you move 15 second video clips from your phone to some kind of editing software to a DVD? No clue—but it can be done. This guy did it. Hopefully someone out there reading this knows what R.L. needs to do, and will walk him through the process in comments.

C Ro over at Metroblogging Seattle writes...

I've heard the theory that Americans are so violent because they are sexually repressed. I don't know if that's true or not, but if it is, The Stranger has got part of the cure. That's right, I'm talking about Hump! And if you start today, you have just under three weeks to put together your amateur porn film (movie?) submission. And I highly encourage you do to so.

You see, I went to one of the screenings last year and it was utterly fantastic. If you're interested, I did reviews in brief (heh heh. I said, "in brief.") of all the films last year and even though I didn't love them all, I was very impressed with the assortment and, of course, so very glad I attended. And since I'd like this to become an event in perpetuity, please please please, you braver-than-I people, submit some entries!

Visit our special HUMP page for more info about how YOU can enter HUMP!

We were half convinced that we would have to call off the first HUMP on the day the tapes were due. At 9 AM, we had just six submissions. But by the end of the day we had more than fifty films. We had amateur straight porn, lesbian porn, bisexual porn, "incest porn,�cupcake porn, and pirate-vs-ninja porn.

What we didn't have, sadly, was much—or really any—gay porn. There was a tiny bit of boy-on-boy action in one of the videos (thank God for you and your crew, D. B.), but the action in that particular film was more poly/bi/free-for-all than specifically gay—and the gay scene was short and was cut in with the hetero and lesbo sex scenes that dominated the film. There simply weren't any films that featured hot gay boys engaging in hot gay action.

There were, however, tons of hot gay boys and men in the audience at HUMP—hell, I would estimate the audiences at HUMP were at least 1/3 gay. The gay guys who came to HUMP left the screenings looking a little distressed—what gay man wouldn't be after sitting through two hours of hard-core straight and lesbian sex?—and some of them complained to me about the lack of gay action. I remember one particularly good-looking, 20-something gay guy who demanded to know where the gay films were.

"Well, did you make a film?� I asked him.

"No,� he replied, looking scandalized.

"Then don't bitch,� I said. "Make one for next year's festival."

I told that pretty boy—I told all the disappointed gay men at HUMP last year—to take some responsibility for the lack of gay action on the screen. Gay men were free to make and submit films, but none did. Lesbians made films—lots of films! hot films!—and straights made films—lots of films! hot films!—and bisexuals made films. If gay men want to see hot gay films at HUMP, then gay men have to make them.

Last week a gay friend told me that some of his gay friends were making porn for HUMP—good news! Then yesterday the same friend told me that his gay friends chickened out—bad news!

Come on, faggots! Are you really going to let the lesbians show you up again this year?

There are still three weeks left to go before films are due—the deadline for submissions is Monday August 21. Full-length porn classic Deep Throat was shot in just five days, so three weeks is plenty of time to bust out eight minutes of gay porn! If you don't want to be sitting the theater watching a lot hetero and lesbo action, gay boys, then get on the stick.

And remember: You don't have to make hardcore porn to get your film in HUMP—it can be erotica, it can be animation, it can be puppets. Hell, you don't even have to show anyone naked to make a sexy film—check out this short film from YouTube:

If you've ever thought about making porn, now's the time to hook up with like-minded locals. HUMP! hopefuls are looking for actors and crew via our online classifieds. Get moving: The deadline for HUMP! entries is August 21. And stay tuned to Slog for a ticket-sale announcement.

One of last year's prize-winning filmmakers has a question for HUMP's Steering Committee...

I had a blast fucking a canteloupe last year! The whole contest was super fun and I am really excited to film something again this year. However, I have a question about the rules of the contest and whether my (very tasteful) idea will be OK. Here's a description of the part that I a looking for a ruling on:

What if the film opened with a (fully clothed) man and an animal interacting completely non sexually. Just normal scene estabishing stuff. Then, we transition to a dream sequence of the same man and another person in a furry animal suit, having sex. No real animal is present during the sex. Would this be OK?

After careful deliberations the HUMP Steering Committee has decided that the use of an animal in your proposed HUMP entry passes the butt-sniff test. You may proceed to film the proposed scenes, as described. While the HUMP rules do state "no poop, no kids, no animals,� so long as your film includes no scenes of bestiality, you're in.

The same does not apply, however, to children or poop—they may not appear in HUMP entries even as "scene establishingâ€� as props, in dreams, etc. So any filmmakers thinking about setting their HUMP entries in, say, a fourth grade classroom (teacher comes on to harried mom and dad at parent-teacher conference), or a sewage treatment plant (eww), are encouraged to think again. No children, no poop. No animals `cept in pre-getting-it-on establishing shots.

The HUMP Steering Committee has spoken!

As directors switch to digital filmmaking in greater numbers (Superman Returns is the latest blockbuster to go all gigabyte), amateur directors, and even some professionals, are already on to the newest thing: cell phones.

From a story from the AP:

Italian filmmakers used a Nokia N90, a higher-end cell phone sold around the world, to produce the 93-minute "New Love Meetings," which they say is the first feature film to be entirely shot with such a tool.

"With the widespread availability of cell phones equipped with cameras, anybody could do this," documentary co-director Marcello Mencarini said in a telephone interview from Milan. "If you want to say something nowadays, thanks to the new media, you can."

Personally, the idea of sitting through a feature-length film shot entirely on a cell phone ain't exactly appealing, especially given the current quality of cell phone footage. But something short—say, an eight-minute porn flick made for our very own Hump!—could be very interesting.

Is someone in Seattle talented enough, and brave enough, to do it? We'll find out on August 21, when all the entries are due.

Fleshbot--the nation's most trusted source for porn news and gossip--wrote up HUMP! today. Fleshbot even encouraged its vast, horny readership to enter HUMP!, which begs the question: Is Seattle's amateur porn contest open to out-of-town filmmakers and wannabe porn stars and starlets?

Well, yes--I guess so. Anyone can enter HUMP! so long as they keep their films under eight minutes, don't violate any of the rules (no animals, no children, no poop), and turn in all the required releases. (A full rundown of HUMP! rules and regulations can be found here.) But local filmmakers and wannabe porn stars and starlets do have an advantage over out-of-towners: EXTRA CREDIT!

One of the pleasures of last year's HUMP! was watching how filmmakers cleverly weaved the extra-credit elements--cupcakes, sandwich cookies, tube socks, and a photo of Stranger receptionist Mike Nipper--into their films. Who can forget the cupcake fucking the sandwich cookie? Or all the hot chicks wearing nothing but tube socks? Or the guy fucking his female slave after covering her head with a paper bag that had Nipper's picture taped to it? Ah, those were good times.

Well, three of this year's extra-credit elements are much more Seattle-specific, which confers a distinct advantage on local filmmakers. Out-of-town filmmakers, if any choose to enter, are going to have a hard time coming by a Dick's Drive-In bag, burger, or location shot; a T-shirt from Babeland; and a Washington State Ferry.

Someone is filming a couple having a fight right under window—could it be for HUMP? Hope so!

From the HUMP! mailbag...

When do HUMP! tickets go on sale? I've searched your website through, and if the information is there, I'm sorry I simply cannot find it. THANKS FOR YOUR TIME!!!!--Chelsea

First let me say that everyone at HUMP! HQ just adores your enthusiasm, Chelsea. And you're not the only person that has written in to ask about buying tickets to HUMP!, Seattle's second annual amateur porn contest.

But Chelsea, honey, we only just announced the contest! Filmmakers don't have to submit their finished entries until August 20, and HUMP! itself doesn't go down until September 8-9, 2006, at Northwest Film Forum. Ticket sales? Right now we're worried about getting release forms to filmmakers and doing all we can to grease the, er, wheels for folks who want to make and star in a film for HUMP! We'll worry about ticket sales later!

But rest assured, Chelsea, once the tickets go on sale you'll read about it here first!

Our first annual amateur porn contest was such a smash that we had to do it again--HUMP! is back!

Full details are in this week's paper. Soon we'll have a dedicated page on our website where HUMPsters can trade tips, post casting calls, find crews, and swap gossip as Seattle's one-and-only festival of locally produced porn comes together.

We've made a few changes to the festival this year--shorter films (max length this year is 8 minutes, not 12), bigger grand prize (a trip to Vegas for 2 and $2,000 cash), and films can be submitted on DVD or VHS; and lots more screenings!

One thing we haven't changed: This porn festival safe and anonymous for actors and filmmakers! Just like last year, we'll make one master tape and a single backup from the HUMP! entries, and return the originals to the filmmakers, and we destroy our copies in front of the audience after the last screening. HUMP! lets you be a porn star for the weekend--not for life!

HUMP! takes place at the Northwest Film Forum September 8-9, 2006. So if you're looking for something fun to do on your summer vacation, we've got the answer--make some porn!