Okay, so two comedians bid on the Strangercrombie Stranger Suggests, win it, and then have three weeks to pull together A Week of Fun.

From an email they sent me:

Dartanion London and I (Hari Kondabolu) saw an opportunity with the Strangercrombie auction to showcase the Seattle alternative comedy scene by planning a festival around The Stranger Suggests. We booked a bunch of great venues around the city (many of which aren't traditional comedy venues) and we've kept prices low, so people can afford to go. We're also collaborating with parts of the improv and sketch scene too. I think standup comedy can really suck and I realize why people have developed a distaste for it. (The racism, misogyny, homophobia, and classism that come with much of the standup you see on TV and in many clubs is a reason why and I hate much of it too.) However, I also think it is one of the freeest (3 E's in a row? No way that could be right) art forms in the world and Seattle is building a really interesting scene right now. (Not perfect...not huge...but growing and developing.)

It’s an ambitious, clever idea and if elbow grease and enthusiasm count for anything, A Week of Fun is already successful. But aside from the cerebral high of putting this week together, they really want people to show up. Each night will feature a new venue (or venues) and a different take on comedy—from open mics and entertainments shows to improv comedy/horror.

Dave Schmader, Charles Mudede, DJ Sabzi from Blue Scholars and I have already agreed to perform at Sunday night’s celebrity open mic at the Comedy Underground. I am considering asking Joel Connelly to be my date.

Dave will be reading from a hilarious piece called Exploring Whoring and I will be reading something penned at the age of 13 (my sense of humor peaked young). I have no idea what DJ Sabzi or Charles have planned, but I’ve never had an encounter with Charles that I didn’t walk away from highly amused.

For A Week of Fun’s night-by-night lineup, you can check this week’s Stranger Suggests, or visit www.myspace.com/weekoffun.

Strangercrombie 2006 raised $40,000 for Northwest Harvest, making this year's holiday auction our most successful ever. Brendan Kiley was the Stranger's editorial point person on the auction this year, Nancy Hartunian was the executive point person—thanks to Brendan and Nancy for all their hard work. But Strangercrombie would be an annual bust if it weren't for everyone who donated goods and services and everyone out there that bid 'em up. So thanks to all who participated.

Oh, and due to a lil' SNAFU, ten items are still up for bidding until tomorrow—including the goddamned, brand-new, tricked-out Vespa. Go, bid, buy!

I just lost the Strangercrombie Cheer Up package at the last minute. LITERALLY!

Bidder Bid Amount Date of bid

quinntheeskimo US $258.10 Dec-15-06 16:59:54 PST

me US $253.10 Dec-15-06 16:12:28 PST

authoress US $250.00 Dec-15-06 16:08:21 PST

me US $227.90 Dec-15-06 15:59:47 PST

authoress US $225.00 Dec-15-06 15:18:46 PST

me US $221.90 Dec-15-06 15:58:44 PST

authoress US $200.00 Dec-15-06 14:58:37 PST

me US $176.90 Dec-15-06 12:47:34 PST

authoress US $175.00 Dec-15-06 14:58:08 PST

Authoress and I were locked in a heated battle for the privilege of seeing Mike Nipper dance, and then along comes quinntheeskimo, a dark horse if ever I saw one. Well played, quinntheeskimo. Everybody gonna jump for joy.

Due to some miscommunication with ebay, ten of our Strangercrombie packages will be available for bidding until tomorrow at noon. (They closed some auctions early, we set them back up, there's a ten-day minimum for all auctions, blah blah blah.)

Those packages are (please imagine the rolling of a thousand tiny drums):

1. Silver Platters gift certi�cates.

2. Buy an enthusiastic review of the CD of your choice for The Stranger's January 25 issue.

3. A gift certificate to the Triple Door.

4. Sixteen boxes of porn.

5. Band t-shirts.

6. A signed copy of the screenplay to Shortbus.

7. The So You Wanna Be Orson Welles package.

8. The Harvey Danger cover song.

9. The Pearl Jam lovers' package.

and

10. The goddamned vespa.

The rest of the bidding stops in one hour.

Only 5 more hours! Put on your drunky-pants and let's go dancing! You get sh*t-canned, and I, Kelly O, will show up at the bar of your choice and take your picture for January 25th issue. I'll buy the first round—the money you spend on the auction goes to charity. Make your Momma proud. Like these guys. Or this guy. Heh, remember this guy? Tori Spelling is a former Drunk of the Week. So am I. So is this girl, this girl, and these girls. Go bid now!

The bidding ends today!

All those packages, all for charity:

VIP passes to Bumbershoot, Block Party, Sasquatch, and more!

A high culture package with a wine and cheese tasting party and tickets to the opera and ballet!

The Shortbus screenplay, signed by John Cameron Mitchell (plus 123 Shortbuscondoms).

The Stranger distro team helps you move!

Shove your foot in the door of rock stardom by getting the big shots at Barsuk and Sub Pop to listen to your demo!

A crazy party in gold with Ben Exworthy!

Ticket packages to On the Boards and the Washington Ensemble Theatre, with a backstage tours and drinks with the artists!

A birthday bash with the Rat City Rollergirls!

Hugh Foskett and a wall of beer!

Beautiful furniture!

Food! Boat rides! Romance! Sex! A basketball game with Sherman Alexie! Rare autographed posters! Fancy threads! More!

There are still heaps of deals and steals—and it all ends today at 5 pm.

Go! Bid! Buy!

Because someone's willing to pay at least $300 to be Drunk of the Week.

(Bidding ends tomorrow, Friday December 15, at 5:00 pm. If God exists, He'll make sure the Buy Drunk of the Week package goes for no less than $595.)

Last January, we threw a surreal and hilarious birthday party for a vivacious young lady, Alithea, who was the lucky recipient of Strangercrombie's Cupcakes and Cowgirls party package. She's going to tell you about it below. Then you should bid!—you only have until Friday at 5 pm to vie for this and dozens of other wildly fabulous gifts.

The Strangercrombie Cowgirls and Cupcakes auction is, as far as I can tell, the unity of the four most holy elements on earth: Booze, Cupcakes, The Stranger, and Scantily Clad Women Serving Booze.
Last year, I wasn't exactly subtle when it came to my desire for me and my closest friends to get trashed with the staff of The Stranger, nor was I subtle about the fact that I could probably eat all four dozen of those sweet, sexy cupcakes myself. And that is just what I got for my 21st birthday: Copious amounts of rainbow-colored baked goods, and the opportunity to drunkenly yell at Dan Savage about anal sex. Hooray!
The fine young ladies at Cowgirls, Inc. greeted us warmly when we arrived; they were already on the bar, dancing and swinging from ropes in a way that I am sure you have never seen in gym class. The staff of The Stranger are a hilarious and friendly bunch who are more than willing to demonstrate their bull-riding skills, or in Sean Nelson's case, challenge you to a cage fight over a chocolate cupcake. I, as the birthday girl, drank anything and everything that was "fruity and full of booze" —a phrase that also aptly sums up my state by the end of the night, made apparent when I was attempting to talk to a member of the bar staff but realized that absolutely none of the words coming out of this pretty lady's mouth made sense.
Not only was this the best night of 2006, it was also the best birthday party I have ever had. It even beats out the Little Mermaid-themed birthday I had when I was 7, which did not involve yelling at Dan Savage about anal sex.

Babeland Party Like a Tupperware party, but with sex toys! The professionals at Babeland, Seattle's favorite sex-toy emporium, give an hour-long presentation on sex tips, toys, and techniques, featuring the party presenters' favorite oils, books, and vibrators. A $150 value! Current bid: $43.56!

And this is an old, but sort-of germane, item from the Guardian in 2002: "Percentage sales increase at Toys in Babeland, a sex store in the Lower East of New York, in late September/October 2001: 30."

This brand-new, shiny-blue, sweet little machine (plus great helmets, riding jackets, bags, and a bunch of other riding gear) is currently being bid at $2,600.

You know what it's worth? Almost $6,000.

Remember, all the money—every last penny—goes to feed the hungry.

Go! Bid! Buy!

So Strangercrombie is currently at $20,935 and rising. That's a good number. That's an excellent number—but it isn't yet last year's total ($35,000) so keep at it.

There are still weirdly neglected deals to be had, like the poster packages (some signed, some rare, some both), which are hovering way down below their actual value: forty bucks? Eleven bucks? Shocking.

There are the Jeff Kleinsmith posters that look like this.

There are the Sasquatch prints that look like this.

There are the autographed posters that look like this.

Not to mention the Signora of Sasquatch (tickets, VIP access, camping passes) that currently languishing down at $100. You know somebody you know wants that present...

My favorite Strangercrombie item is the Date for One package. Here's the item description:

Date for One
Not one, not two, but sixteen (!) boxes of heterosexual pornography, from the original Debbie Does Dallas to Specs Appeal: Girls with Glasses to the disconcertingly named Anabolic Initiations IV. This vast collection of preowned but nonsticky wankspiration is spread over DVDs, VHS tapes, and even a few laserdiscs (?!?), and comes with a complimentary package of tube socks. Priceless! Opening bid: $1.99!

In case you needed a little more convincing, there are many amazing things one can do with 16 boxes of heterosexual porn. Some of my ideas include theme parties, birthday presents, disguise birthday presents (where you innocently insert a porn into a case for the movie Clueless), gluing them together to make a wonderful bookcase, booby-trapping Dan Savage's office (a porn in every desk drawer!), photocopying the case "art" for posters and thank you cards, and masturbating.

The possibilities are endless.

From inspired dumpster diver/"Schola Nigga" cartoonist Ivan Cockrum comes this hilarious "Bonus Strangercrombie auction!"

Has your labor of love been slagged by Stranger Books Editor Christopher Frizzelle? Here's your opportunity to chuckle over his ignominious past as a Sales Support Person for Adams & Associates, Inc. This trophy was lovingly plucked from Frizzelle's very own dumpster, where it was discarded like a wriggling maggot. Next time Frizzelle prints a negative word about you, just shove this in his face. Gives you instant authority to demand where a hack office drone like him gets off criticizing your genius! Proceeds go to hunger-relief agency Northwest Harvest!

Ivan has indeed arranged for proceeds earned by the item to go to Northwest Harvest, and Chris is thrilled that his trash has the potential to help the hungry. So: Go! Bid! Buy!

Hugh Foskett's, of course.

Now some stick-in-ass types assumed Seattle's most outgoing Young Republican would be angry after Eli Sanders exposed his sombrero-wearin', crotch-grabbin', shotgunnin', upchuckin' ways. They were wrong. Hugh, you see, has a sense of humor. And not only did he appreciate the attention (and the votes he believes the attention brought him), Hugh dropped by the office in person to say thanks and agreed to let us auction him off with a couple dozen cases of beer to raise money to feed the homeless. He was so nice he hardly seemed like a Republican at all!

Here's me and Hugh makin' nice...

If you want to bid on Hugh Foskett's Package, click here. Who knows? Maybe with enough beer in him Hugh Foskett will make the switch—to the Democratic Party.

The one by Lauren Grossman that I mentioned yesterday?

It looks like this.

The 16 boxes of porn is currently going for $51.

The Quadro table is at a stoopid $54.

And one page of The Stranger, to fill however the buyer sees fit, is a mere $91.

Deals! Steals! And every dollar you spend feeds five people. Do some good in this do-goodin' season. Now please enjoy this picture of the Orson Welles mask from the filmmaker's package:

If you haven't picked up the paper this week, you're missing out on some hot hunks of flesh in the form of our Strangercrombie models. Those of you outside Seattle and/or stuck at your desks are in luck: We just posted our annual Strangercrombie Parade of Flesh slideshow. Enjoy!

Currently, the Vespa's at $710 and the SIFF package is close behind at $686. Beat With the Pretty Stick is at a laughably low $20.50.

And Artsy Menorah, Frosted Jesus? It's at $1.99.

The menorah is by artist Lauren Grossman, who was profiled by Jen Graves last March. (Her homepage is here.) The Jesus is a full Nativity scene, in pastries, baked and arranged by Cupcake Royale.

A steal!

Holiday shopping begins here and now.

Want a whole lotta clothes from American Apparel ? Bidding starts at $1.99.

Want to shotgun some beer with Hugh Foskett? Bidding starts at $1.99.

Want your own recording of Harvey Danger and/or Dina Martina playing the cover song of your choice? Bidding starts at $1.99.

Want a brand-new Vespa with riding gear, bags, and tab fees thrown in? Bidding starts at $1.99.

Want a shopping spree at Easy Street Records? Bidding starts at $1.99.

Get the idea?

A birthday bash with the Rat City Roller Girls, a year's worth of pizza, packages for writers, filmmakers, and actors, a dinner party cooked in your own home by a culinary deity, boat rides, Portland getaways, and all the cash goes to the good folks at Northwest Harvest.

So get to browsing! And bidding!

Merry Kwaanzukkah.

Alex Ross's iPod New Yorker music critic Alex Ross set music dorks' hearts aflutter last year on his national iPod Tour, lecturing on 20th-century composers from Ligeti to Bjørk to Messiaen and playing samples from his iPod. Now here's your chance to possess an Alex Ross—programmed iPod of your very own. The venerable Ross has programmed four playlists into this very iPod Mini in his own New York apartment with his own delicate ï¬�ngers. Eeeeee! Priceless! Opening bid: $1.99

The first playlist is called Silence and includes Stravinsky's Pater Noster, Morton Feldman's Madame Press Died Last Week at Ninety, and a chunk of Messiaen's Quartet for the End of Time (my number-one desert island record).

The second playlist is called The Twentieth Century and includes Ives, Schoenberg, Ruth Crawford Seeger, Gershwin (from Porgy and Bess), Pärt, Bjørk, the Gyørgys (Ligeti and Kurtág), and a few other diacritic-enhanced names.

The third playlist is dedicated to Lorraine Hunt Lieberson and the fourth to Bob Dylan. If I were a selfish man, I'd exclude these details to make the package less interesting and improve my chances of being able to afford it. I make this sacrifice for you.

And here is a package for the slightly-less-dorky:

Get Out of Town #1—Doe Bay Give nine of your closest friends the gift of a blowout party in the woods with this dream package, which includes three nights in a fantastic cabin on beautiful Orcas Island, a $100 voucher for meals in the Doe Bay Cafe (and 25 percent off more food), plus a keg of beer, courtesy of Mac & Jack's! Holy Moses! Valued at over $1,200! Opening bid: $1.99

And here are pictures of pretty people:

Strangercrombie: We do this in remembrance of you.

Agoraphobic? Ancient and fragile? Under house arrest? Bring the restaurant to you with...

The Best Damned Dinner Party in the History of Ever: Culinary god Ethan Stowell, of downtown's glorious Union, comes to your house to cook a feast for six. Stranger food critic and columnist Bethany Jean Clement tags along. Plus! Stellar wine pairings courtesy of Mark Ryan Winery—a whole case's worth! Priceless! Opening bid: $1.99

Strangercrombie: Coming this Thursday.

So You Wanna Be a Writer: Everything you'll need to begin your career as a professional scribbler (social awkwardness and self-loathing not included). Gary Shteyngart, author of Absurdistan and The Russian Debutante's Handbook, will read and critique 3,000 words of your opus. Richard Hugo House will waive tuition to a class of your choice (and the price of one stiff drink at their bar). Plus, a $30 gift certi�cate to Epilogue Books, a literary CD combo (featuring sea shanties sung by Nick Cave, Bryan Ferry, et al., and plague songs by Stephin Merritt, Rufus Wainwright, et al.) and a case of Solaris wine, just in case you want to drink yourself to death! Priceless! Opening bid: $1.99.

(By the way, Absurdistan made the New York Times's top ten books of 2006. Congratulations, Mr. Shteyngart.)

Now please enjoy this:

Très romantique.

Next week—Strangercrombie. With words like these:

A Goddamned Vespa! A wonderful, beautiful, shiny new Vespa with all the trimmings: set-up and prep, plates, tabs, and license fees, two Vespa Soft Touch helmets, two riding jackets, shoulder bags by Chrome, a front rack, and more! (Good-looking passenger not—necessarily—included.) Valued at over $4,000! Opening bid: an idiotically low $1.99.

And photos like these:

Merry Kwaanzikuh!

Cheer Up, Motherfucker! Stave off suicidal ideation with a therapeutic light box from the Indoor Sun Shoppe and a video of Mike Nipper, The Stranger's chipper receptionist (and Emerald City Soul Club DJ), shaking his sweet, sweet ham to cheerful tunes of his own choosing. What? You've never seen Nipper dancing? His slick moves have inspired neo-Nazis to join the Anti-Defamation League and once gave Mother Theresa a hard-on—and they will save your life. Priceless! Opening bid: $1.99.

Did you love, love, love Sherman Alexie's Sonics story from a few weeks back? Or hate, hate, hate it? Do you have strong feelings about Luke Ridnour? Or Alexie's ranking among the best writers in America? Or do you just really love basketball?

Come Dec 7, you can bid the shit out of this sweet package for Strangercrombie.

Attend a Sonics Game with Sherman Alexie and Dan Savage: You and a guest sit with Stranger editor Dan Savage and Sherman Alexie, the self-proclaimed 78th best writer in America, who recently wrote in this very paper: "And so I see every basketball game as a chapter of the novel known as a season. And I see each season as another volume in an unending series of mysteries... And, yes, I love Luke Ridnour. And I hate the little fucker, too.� Priceless! Opening bid: $1.99.

Strangercrombie, our winter auction wherein all the proceeds go to Northwest Harvest to help feed the foodless. The issue comes out December 7, with gifts...

...for gals...

...and guys.

(And, of course, our annual flesh parade photo shoot.) Strangercrombie: Sometimes even The Stranger does something nice.