Life Someday My Prince Will Come…
posted by January 23 at 10:14 AM
on… but I will walk away. Actually, I will RUN.
A little over a week ago, I went to a party called “Pornstarville” in Las Vegas. I was getting my drink on, in a room full of strangers and more barely-dressed porn chicks than you could shake a stick at. I’ve never seen so many, um, tanned and “augmented” ladies. I’m standing there, looking Seattle (pale and NON-augmented), and wearing a ratty Slayer t-shirt. Four men in razor-sharp suits come up to me and tell me that their friend wants to meet me. Okay. I sit down in a booth with a man, in an even nicer suit and a jet-black turban. He tells me, very bluntly, that I’m “the most beautiful woman in the whole club.” “Yeah, right,” I say. He grabs my face and starts kissing me. Uh, REALLY kissing me. His four buddies start excitedly snapping pictures, saying, “She’s going to be FAMOUS! These pictures will be all over the papers in Middle East next week!” Whoah, whoah, whoah. Brakes. I tell him, “I have to go.” I get up. They BEG me to stay. Finally they say, “You CAN’T leave! Don’t you know who this is?! HE’S THE PRINCE OF DUBAI!” I laugh. I say, “I don’t care WHO THE HELL he is, I gotta go.” My stone-sober friend, who’s been watching this whole scene, perplexed, grabs my arm and pulls me out. We head for the door. We run. So does The Prince. He grabs my other arm, and pleads with me. He says he’ll give me anything, ANYTHING in the world, if I will just stay with him. I look at him, square in the eye, and bolt for the door.
Home to Seattle. First thing I do is Google “Prince of Dubai.” Ha! Liar. This guy pops up.
Too old. That’s not this guy. Dig deeper. Uh-oh. Sure as shit, His Highness, Sheikh Mohammed bin Rashid Al Maktoum has a whole bunch of sons. And there’s ole Makeout Maktoum, second from the right. His name is Sheikh Maktoum bin Mohammed Al Maktoum, he once gave Tiger Woods a big-ass gold trophy, and well, he probably has more money than God.
Did I miss my chance to marry a billionaire prince? Or did I narrowly escape a potentially terrible *TERRIBLE* situation? OR was it just simply a rich creep trying to get all mackadelic on my ass at a porn party in Vegas? I guess I’ll never know.
Comments
This is my favorite story of all time.
Damn... you missed your chance to be subservient for the rest of your life. Whatever shall you do?
oprah says that we should all listen to our instincts! and she's filthy stinking rich, so she must be on to something.
good for you for listening to yourself. that situation sounded like it wasn't going to get any better. i mean, those eyebrows alone are enough to make a girl run for the door.
These Dubai guys have the right idea. If men kept their wives and sisters from driving cars, we wouldn't be dealing with these viaduct rebuild problems right now.
Brakes.
I'd say you missed your chance to be one of his many wives, and miserable beyond your wildest dreams.
Your guts told you what to do and you did right by them. Good call.
oh, and @4, if we stopped importing oil and used the money we wasted in Iraq to build American-manufactured wind, solar, biomass, geothermal, tidal, and other sources, we wouldn't be concerned.
I'm with David. This is my favourite story in all perpetuity.
Kelly, I'm sorry to say your pic of a "tanned and 'augmented' lady" is not, in fact, a lady. Unless, by "lady" you mean mtf TG.
And why would any self-respecting woman attend a "Pornstarville" party?
Sitting at home sick today- reading this story made me laugh out loud. Awesome. I couldn't tell where it was going at first but it ended beautifully.
Hey, you could have had the orthodox Muslim version of a one night stand:
THE 200 WIVES OF IMAM HASAN BIN ALI
There is a popular report in history that Imam Hasan bin Ali looked like the Prophet himself (may Allah's peace and our salams be unto them both). Muslims felt it their great honor to marry their daughters to the grandson of the Prophet who also looked like the Prophet. Imam Hasan was a very kind person. To please the Muslims, he would marry a woman and then divorce her, so that he could impart that honor on another family. This is the version recorded by "friends."
If a prince is looking to add to his subservient wife collection, a porn convention is probably the wrong place for that.
Killingly funny.
You might as well just shut down the SLOG now. There's nowhere to go but downhill from here.
Kelly O is now officially my hero.
Kelly, you big sissy!! Why didn't you snatch up that "jet black turban"? You could've sold it on ebay (or used it to fix up that nasty Slayer tee). I can't stand those cocky-can-hardly-speak-English rich foreigners. Arrogant bastards; who do they think they are, that they can just kiss anyone's sweet baby girl!?! PUKE!
Did I read this part correctly:
"Sure as shit, His Highness, Sheikh Mohammed bin Rashid Al Maktoum has a whole bunch of sores."
Tasty! Drinks for everyone!! To all my friends!!!!
can't blame a prince for tryin'--who wouldn't want to tap o's hot ass?
i believe the phrase "GET UP OFF ME, HO." would have been highly applicable in this situation, particularly when he was trying to taste your uvula.
That prince is one progressive cat. I met all my mates by hitting them in the head with a club and dragging them back to the cave. They would stay with me because they were intrigued with my high-tech toy... fire.
Will the prince make the Drunk of the Week?
Good lord, that's bizarre.
The sheiks will probably come out OK, but when the property boom explodes in Dubai, a whole lot of people are going to lose a whole lot of money. You probably missed out on a life of high-end shopping, better-than-first-class private jet and yacht travel, and abject slavery. And terrible sex.
that's hilarious! You were probably smart for running, but what an awesome story you have to tell now! how come crazy funny stuff like that doesn't happen to me? I like stories.
Um, yeah funny story and all, and that guy sounds like an ass.
But - some of the commenters should really learn a bit about Middle Eastern countries before they start stereotyping every Arab state. Women in Dubai can drive, work, and vote. I'm not saying it's the most wonderful place in the world for women, but they've certainly made some progress. And they don't have harems. Where did you learn about Arab culture, Disney's Aladdin??
a couple of thoughts... this brings to mind something I've always wondered. You see these hot, young chicks with these disgusting old farts, and I can't hepl but to imagine the horror when it comes to actually fucking these guys. I mean, all the fancy restaurants & cars etc must be nice, but eventually these chicks got fuck these old bastards. How do they get through it? Zoloft?
Also, thanks for linking to the porn ho, but I would have much rather you link to a shot of you in a ratty Slayer t shirt. Talk about hot...
If there was a harem in Aladdin, I gotta say I missed it ... mostly while watching Jasmine's cleavage.
#8 - another bizarre fact about the 'tanned and augmented' photo - that's comedian Tom Green behind that "girl". He was at the party, RAPPING. He has a rap group now, called "The Keepin It Real Crew"
JUst when you think the story can't possibly get any better....#25!
Women in Dubai may have quite a few rights, but I wouldn't want to be a Dubai prince's wife. Who's to say that he's not above the law?
Just when I thought Brad's beer+vaseline+Mama's Family was the best entry ever...
I'm sad we'll never know if a prince of Dubai could ever have been turned onto Slayer, otherwise, holy shit. Kelly, you are a hero!
In that picture with Kelly, the prince actually looks pretty hot.
Anyway, bravo. Perfectly executed... you put in enough time to have a great cocktail party anecdote for all time, and you escaped before potentially finding yourself Andrew Carvered. I mean, what's with the snappy entourage? Or like, OMG, what if you were his BEARD and he needed pictures of you and him in the papers in Dubai? Please keep us posted.
Um, Angela is wrong. Women in Dubai cannot vote, for the simple reason that NO ONE in Dubai can vote. The UAE has no elected bodies. They do have a shiny new "Federal National Council", which involved the UAE's first ever elections last month, and for which women can vote, but it's a token body that will be rubber-stamping whatever the sheik says. And of course, you have to be a national to vote, which means that 90% of the population doesn't get to, since they are foreign guestworkers.
@ 30,
Maybe, but he really needs an eyebrow wax. Yikes.
I am the friend who saved her from certain rapey doom! Those guys were pretty intense, but drunk as fuck so it was relatively easy to pry the hapless Kelly from their clutches. Before I ended the encounter, they were imploring me to tell her to "grab his dick so we can take a picture"! They make 'em classy over in Dubai, don't they? The only thing that worries me is that before I realized what we were dealing with I gave one of the dudes my card so that he could send me the pictures he was taking. Now I sort of expect some shady motherfuckers showing up at my house to stick toothpicks under my fingernails until I reveal Kelly's address.
hey wait a minute dudes, why the heck was the prince of dubai at a porn convention in las vegas anyway? ps nice slayer shirt kelly...
So when did Steve Carell become the Sheik of Dubai, anyways?
Ha!
Oh my God. My cousin hooked up with this same guy once in Vegas. Dinner, dancing, a few drinks and a kiss good night got her a $50,000 diamond bracelet a fur coat and a porche. He's all bark and no bite. Easily put in place by a strong woman. (She sold the shit and paid off the rest of her college debt.)
Darn, thought my research was sound. Well, they can vote, anyway, just as much as anyone else can.
#37 - That is awesome!! Am I anti-feminist if I say I would take that deal any day of the week?
@ 38: yes.
Also, I failed to see the pic with Kelly O in all her glory. Although, it could be a wider shot (would love to get a better look at how she fills out the ratty Slayer T), and what's up with the black bar over her eyes?
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