Assignment: Help a Single Woman Find Love
posted by October 31 at 14:24 PMon
Yesterday I received an email from Naomi, a single mom from Issaquah who needed help finding “a hot date.” Naomi told me she liked “well-traveled, open-minded, rugged men” but the last guy she dated was “a crazy Australian stalker dude” who scared her.
I had a hard time figuring out where to find well-traveled open-minded masculine men. At a dog park? A gym? Pac Sun? The only decent place I could think of was REI.
I met Naomi outside on the deck of the first floor of REI, overlooking the waterfall and planted trees. I introduced myself, we hugged briefly and walked inside together. Instantly a woman named Sheila appeared and insisted that both of us buy an REI membership. No No No, we said over and over again and still she persisted. Naomi asked me where I thought we should look for men in the store. I told her I had no clue. We looked around the kayak area but there were no non-lesbians. I told Naomi I was sorry. I had no idea how to help her. Did she want me to just stand around and watch her hit on guys? Did she want me to give her tips? Hitting on people didn’t come naturally to me. Naomi said “But you’re the public intern! Don’t you have to be outgoing?” I told her it was all an elaborate lie.
Naomi assured me that my very presence was helping her. My nervous energy was somehow helping her to feel more confident. I pointed at a tall man eating a Cliff bar. “What about him? He’s hot!” I told Naomi. “No,” she said.
I took pictures of Naomi standing next to the sleeping bag section because we were that bored. Then a few younger-looking outdoorsy types wandered up to us. Naomi asked one of them “Do you think the color of this sleeping bag matches my eyes?” “Uh yeah,” one of the guys responded. “Cool,” Naomi said. “Or should I get this one?” Naomi ran her fingers over the fabric of a different sleeping bag. “That’s a nice color,” one of the guys responded. Since Naomi hadn’t introduced me, I distracted myself by taking pictures. No one seemed to care. After more mindless sleeping bag banter, all of them left before we could write down their phone numbers.
Naomi and I went upstairs and gawked at the horrifying UGG boot-Croc hybrids.
We also found REI’s educational book section.
Naomi got thirsty so she went to the coffee cart out on the deck and ordered an espresso. The man behind the counter was hot. Naomi told him this was her first time at the REI store and he said, “did you know that this is the third most popular attraction in all of Seattle?” and then Naomi said “No I did not!” and then the man asked Naomi where she was from and Naomi said “I’m from Issaquah” and then the guy said “that’s not too far away” and then the two of them smiled at eachother and I jumped off the deck into the REI waterfall and died.
Got a special Halloween task for the Public Intern? Email it to firstname.lastname@example.org and he’ll do it tonight.