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Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Assignment: Help a Single Woman Find Love

posted by on October 31 at 14:24 PM

Yesterday I received an email from Naomi, a single mom from Issaquah who needed help finding “a hot date.” Naomi told me she liked “well-traveled, open-minded, rugged men” but the last guy she dated was “a crazy Australian stalker dude” who scared her.

I had a hard time figuring out where to find well-traveled open-minded masculine men. At a dog park? A gym? Pac Sun? The only decent place I could think of was REI.

I met Naomi outside on the deck of the first floor of REI, overlooking the waterfall and planted trees. I introduced myself, we hugged briefly and walked inside together. Instantly a woman named Sheila appeared and insisted that both of us buy an REI membership. No No No, we said over and over again and still she persisted. Naomi asked me where I thought we should look for men in the store. I told her I had no clue. We looked around the kayak area but there were no non-lesbians. I told Naomi I was sorry. I had no idea how to help her. Did she want me to just stand around and watch her hit on guys? Did she want me to give her tips? Hitting on people didn’t come naturally to me. Naomi said “But you’re the public intern! Don’t you have to be outgoing?” I told her it was all an elaborate lie.

Naomi assured me that my very presence was helping her. My nervous energy was somehow helping her to feel more confident. I pointed at a tall man eating a Cliff bar. “What about him? He’s hot!” I told Naomi. “No,” she said.


I took pictures of Naomi standing next to the sleeping bag section because we were that bored. Then a few younger-looking outdoorsy types wandered up to us. Naomi asked one of them “Do you think the color of this sleeping bag matches my eyes?” “Uh yeah,” one of the guys responded. “Cool,” Naomi said. “Or should I get this one?” Naomi ran her fingers over the fabric of a different sleeping bag. “That’s a nice color,” one of the guys responded. Since Naomi hadn’t introduced me, I distracted myself by taking pictures. No one seemed to care. After more mindless sleeping bag banter, all of them left before we could write down their phone numbers.


Naomi and I went upstairs and gawked at the horrifying UGG boot-Croc hybrids.


We also found REI’s educational book section.

Naomi got thirsty so she went to the coffee cart out on the deck and ordered an espresso. The man behind the counter was hot. Naomi told him this was her first time at the REI store and he said, “did you know that this is the third most popular attraction in all of Seattle?” and then Naomi said “No I did not!” and then the man asked Naomi where she was from and Naomi said “I’m from Issaquah” and then the guy said “that’s not too far away” and then the two of them smiled at eachother and I jumped off the deck into the REI waterfall and died.

Steven Blum
Public Intern

Got a special Halloween task for the Public Intern? Email it to and he’ll do it tonight.

RSS icon Comments


So, um, now that would make you an unpaid undead intern, right?

Posted by Packratt | October 31, 2007 2:13 PM

Aw, Public Intern, healing society one lonely heart at a time.

Dan needs to issue a cape of some sort. And tights. Definitely tights.

Posted by Gloria | October 31, 2007 2:23 PM

i think i may be way into those furry crocs. i mean i havent seen them in 3D but they look so glamourously ugly to walk the dog in the winter.

Posted by sorry | October 31, 2007 2:26 PM

Naomi is hot.

Posted by Will in Seattle | October 31, 2007 2:30 PM

But are you rugged and well-traveled, Will?

Posted by Matt from Denver | October 31, 2007 2:32 PM

intern -- you have stranger personals. surely you could place an ad for her and screen the potentials...

Posted by infrequent | October 31, 2007 2:34 PM

Long Live The Stranger Intern!!!

Posted by Suz | October 31, 2007 2:45 PM

It seems that despite his good looks, the public intern has been showing an alarming lack of enthusiasm for the tasks he is set out to do.

Posted by bored. | October 31, 2007 2:45 PM

Those shoes are an abomination.

Posted by The General | October 31, 2007 2:48 PM

@9 is correct. Humanity has jumped the shark with those things.

Posted by kid icarus | October 31, 2007 2:58 PM

Public Intern, help me! help me! I want to get into the pool. I'm older than Naomi, and my requirements are a little higher, since I require "intellectual" along with the other stuff. And not one of those ultra liberal wacked, pretentious, wussy Seattle guys like "Will in Seattle".

Posted by Feisty Brain | October 31, 2007 2:59 PM

i would hit that.

and if rugged means "copious back hair", then i'm well qualified.

but mrs. solomon would not like it.

Posted by maxsolomon | October 31, 2007 3:13 PM

Who Pooped in the Park? It's too bad my dad's dead, I totally would've gotten him that for Christmas.

Posted by keshmeshi | October 31, 2007 3:13 PM

I don't understand how anyone could hate the Public Intern.

Posted by leek | October 31, 2007 4:11 PM

Ooh, the Intern's Halloween task could be to bring me soup and juice as I lie in bed pathetically with my second cold in one month.

Scratch that, if I had my picture taken right now it would be far beyond any horror Halloween should contain.

Posted by leek | October 31, 2007 4:13 PM

Wussy? Lol. I spent seven years in the Army, baby brain.

Wake me when you do something halfway interesting.

Posted by Will in Seattle | October 31, 2007 4:23 PM

I am pretty sure I saw the public intern at the final fantasy show a week ago. Who gave that kid a fake ID?

Posted by Kevin Erickson | October 31, 2007 4:35 PM

No, I'm sorry. The last line is "Together they looked down at the espresso card and hanging from the handle was a large metal hook."

Posted by Mark | October 31, 2007 4:50 PM

Oh. I'm not into metal hooks.


Posted by Will in Seattle | October 31, 2007 5:17 PM

My first reaction was "I'd hit that, if Inga ran off with the pool boy." But there's something sinister about the fact that cute woman like that doesn't already have a great guy. Either she has secret unattainable requirements ("he needs to be a buddhist *and* a member of the NRA!"), or she sabotages every relationship, or she's got morning breath that would strip paint off the walls. There's somethin'.

Posted by Big Sven | October 31, 2007 5:21 PM

So I just reread the original post. "Single mom." I haven't been single in a long time- is that a big strike against somebody amongst 30-somethings? Does it depend on the temper of the kid?

Posted by Big Sven | October 31, 2007 5:24 PM

Does this sleeping bag make me look desperate?

Posted by DJSauvage | October 31, 2007 6:08 PM

The public intern totally rocks. I heart him.

Posted by Michigan Matt | October 31, 2007 6:16 PM

I told myself not to read these, but I couldn't help it.

Well we got much better pictures than those, like us climbing the rock, thanks to me because the intern's camera wasn't working!

The quotes weren't correct. And I actually live in Bellevue(even worse!)

Even though it wasn't a success, it was still a lot of fun. Steven may have made up some things, but he's a cool guy. I would recommend using his services.

Oh, thanks Will!

Posted by Naomi | October 31, 2007 9:26 PM

17: The public intern is of legal drinking age. Keep that in mind and send him an interesting assignment.

Posted by Amy Kate Horn | October 31, 2007 9:38 PM

Why do you always complete your assignments half heartedly? Come on dude.

Posted by Amelia | October 31, 2007 9:55 PM

Well, the Public Intern DID show a lot of enthusiasm for the phonebook-tossing effort. I think part of the problem here is girls keep hiring him as some sort of date thing. (Remember the wedding?)

I think the Intern should go back to the first task and do some more weed-stomping.

Posted by me | October 31, 2007 10:44 PM

I thought the library followed the market and the space needle in attractions in Seattle...

Posted by Ryan | October 31, 2007 11:58 PM

I dunno... The whole single mom thing bummed me out. I hope she's not looking for sleep over dates with her little one in the house...

Posted by Jill | November 1, 2007 12:00 AM

Well, I can now speak with emprical authority: The Public Intern (he has a name, you know - Steven Blum) deserves double-extra-super Rockstar Status.

Thanks for the cake, for spending time with me and a few of my friends, and I hope you enjoyed that burger.

It was a great way to start my Natal Festivities!

Posted by COMTE | November 1, 2007 12:00 AM

What's a natal

Posted by Amelia | November 1, 2007 1:04 AM

We all need to pitch in to help single moms:

It takes a village, after all.

Posted by Big Sven | November 1, 2007 8:06 AM

Yes Jill, because if one is just looking for a fuck buddy, the first place she would look in Seattle is REI!! Don't be such an ass!

I'm sure Naomi was expecting some form of creativity from Steven. He shoudn't have taken the assignment if he couldn't find the energy to complete it.

It is hard out here, even for us childless woman. I wish her luck!

Posted by Renee | November 1, 2007 8:40 AM


Natal adj. Relating to or accompanying birth.

Posted by COMTE | November 1, 2007 9:19 AM

I still think the Public Intern should be tasked with tearing down the Viaduct.

Posted by NapoleonXIV | November 1, 2007 12:47 PM

Naomi is beautiful and sexy and kind and if I wasn't as gay as a lamp I'd date her in a minute! Anyone who says otherwise can just chokeonacockandaprickandacunt! You WILL find your chantico honey. You just gotta fan all these dorks and hold out for the calidaddy baby, the calidaddy!

Big Kiss!

Posted by Guy Steelman | November 3, 2007 2:53 PM

Thanks Guy, I LOVE YOU!!

Posted by Naomi | November 4, 2007 6:51 PM

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