News Sexy, Sexy Plumbing
posted by on June 7 at 12:00 PM
Posted by Sage Van Wing
In 1991, when Bush’s current Surgeon General nominee, Dr. James Holsinger, was serving on the Committee to Study Homosexuality of the United Methodist Church, he submitted a treatise entitled “Pathophysiology of Male Homosexuality.” The treatise claims, among other things, that Gay sex can lead to “lacerations, perforations and deaths.” Holsinger went on to claim that, from a medical perspective:
The logical complementarity of the human sexes has been so recognized in our culture that it has entered our vocabulary in the form of naming various pipe fittings either the male pipe fitting or the female pipe fitting depending upon which one interlocks within the other. When the complementarity of the sexes is breached, injuries and disease may occur.
I always think of my genitalia in terms of plumbing. Clearly our medical decisions should be based on what is common vocabulary.
Not long after writing that paper, Holsinger resigned from the committee because he “felt certain its conclusions would follow liberal lines.” He also warned “that acceptance of homosexuality would drive away millions of churchgoers.” Holsinger went on to serve as Kentucky’s health secretary and chancellor of the University of Kentucky’s medical center. He also, with his wife, founded a congregation in Lexington, Kentucky, which helps some gay members to “walk out of that lifestyle.” According to its pastor, Rev. David Calhoun, Hope Springs Community Church “ministers to people who no longer wish to be gay or lesbian.”
As president of the Methodist Church’s national Judicial Council, Holsinger voted to support a pastor who blocked a gay man from joining a congregation. In 2004, he voted to expel a lesbian from the clergy. The majority of the panel voted to keep the lesbian associate pastor in place, citing questions about whether she had openly declared her homosexuality, but Holsinger dissented.
Doesn’t that sound like just the person you’d like to serve as “America’s Doctor”? (Look here, here, and here for people who have some concerns.)
Well, clearly, we homosexuals, who have control over the entire media, must use our power to transform the language of plumbers from "male" and "female" to "top" and "bottom."
What are the implications for human sexuality of the availability of pipes in different sizes? Even if you use the correctly-sexed fitting, if you try to connect 1/2" to 3/4" you're going to get water all over the place. And what is the sexual equivalent of plumber's tape? How does the United Methodist Church come down on the question of copper versus PVC? In which sexual situations does the Universal Plumbing Code require a U-bend?
And what other aspects of human society can be regulated by reference to the house-building trades?
On the other hand, if you're not actually attempting to plumb a building (and you'd be crazy to attempt to run your sink and shower off of an interconnected series of homosexuals), what harm is done to the world if you want to bump fittings together that aren't technically designed to screw in place and stay that way? I do it all the time in the plumbing aisle at Home Depot, and no one says anything about it.
Ballcock!
Just don't try to cheap out and skip the P-trap, or you'll regret it forever.
You know I, and any of my many gay friends, can prove that unlike actual plumbing, 2 male parts can not only fit together but fit REAL GOOD!
OH YEAH! I almost forgot, B. Obama how come out condeming the nomination.
/sarcasm
I don't know about you all, but I go to home depot like all the time to see some hot plumbing action. Oh yeah, that's it...sexy sexy hard metal. Yeah, and when I see 2 male parts it just increases, i mean RUINS, the hotness. I completely define my sexuality by man made plumbing parts all the time, its like the most normal thing I know.
/end sarcasm
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