Homo Free Paris, My Fanny, and a Lusty Message from the Cement Hotel!
posted by June 7 at 11:50 AMon
So. Paris fucking Hilton. Out already. Dammit. Who knew that you could escape jail with note from your doctor? (It worked for gym class, I suppose, and that was very much like jail.) Possibly the greatest disappointment of Paris Hilton’s untimely release from prison (next to perhaps the complete and total corruption of the justice system) is that…well…I was kind of sort of hoping that Paris and I could be pen pals while she was locked up. I really was! They say reprobates go MAD staring at the walls, and just LOVE pen pals. And I was about to totally capitalize on that shit, and send the biznatch my first letter!
Well, it’s a moot point now.
I will have to content myself with this absolutely and entirely real “fan” letter (forgive me), that I received, handwritten in suspiciously ubergirly cursive on blue lined notebook paper, from an actual, genuine INCARCERATED PERSON recently. It gives us an inside peek at the dim, twisted, desperately horny universe that seems to be jail. It will have to do in lieu of a message from Paris. The transcribed text is as follows:
Hey Sexy! How are you? I know you may not know me (I wrote a similar letter around 3 years ago!) but I’m still a fan, and I love your articles. I was just wondering if you were actually gay or not.
I must pause here so that we all may enjoy a hearty chortle. Chortle, chortle! Let us go on…
I love that line about your “great big floppy sausage dick” and I’d love to see you cry when you cum. Hey Adrian, my name is (REDACTED) but I too go by “Adrian”, is there some way I could get a gay pen pal that I can write and send my sexy artwork to? I have so much of it I want to send someone. Please, Mr. Ryan, could you write me back, a LONELY PRISONER WHO ALSO HAS A HUGE SCHLONG and wants to stuff your “malebox” with a special delivery. Come on and let me give you something to write about. Is there a line for that morning blowjob? You know you would love a double size serving of HIV- negative, 100% protein tube steak. Black, bold, strong and thick as a wrist. I got it a head on it the size of a brass doorknob and would love to cause you a little bit of uncomfortable pain when I ease this monster up your fanny. Keep up the good work. Print some of my art in The Stranger.
Good heavens! A special delivery? In my FANNY?! If that’s what prison is about, we may never understand the true reason Paris was so eager to renounce her imprisonment. Never!
The scanned letter (in all its girly cursive glory, and containing the aforementioned “sexy artwork”) is below. (CAUTION! LURID PENISES AHEAD!) Enjoy!