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Thursday, June 7, 2007

Free Paris, My Fanny, and a Lusty Message from the Cement Hotel!

posted by on June 7 at 11:50 AM

So. Paris fucking Hilton. Out already. Dammit. Who knew that you could escape jail with note from your doctor? (It worked for gym class, I suppose, and that was very much like jail.) Possibly the greatest disappointment of Paris Hilton’s untimely release from prison (next to perhaps the complete and total corruption of the justice system) is that…well…I was kind of sort of hoping that Paris and I could be pen pals while she was locked up. I really was! They say reprobates go MAD staring at the walls, and just LOVE pen pals. And I was about to totally capitalize on that shit, and send the biznatch my first letter!

Well, it’s a moot point now.

I will have to content myself with this absolutely and entirely real “fan” letter (forgive me), that I received, handwritten in suspiciously ubergirly cursive on blue lined notebook paper, from an actual, genuine INCARCERATED PERSON recently. It gives us an inside peek at the dim, twisted, desperately horny universe that seems to be jail. It will have to do in lieu of a message from Paris. The transcribed text is as follows:

Hey Sexy! How are you? I know you may not know me (I wrote a similar letter around 3 years ago!) but I’m still a fan, and I love your articles. I was just wondering if you were actually gay or not.

I must pause here so that we all may enjoy a hearty chortle. Chortle, chortle! Let us go on…

I love that line about your “great big floppy sausage dick” and I’d love to see you cry when you cum. Hey Adrian, my name is (REDACTED) but I too go by “Adrian”, is there some way I could get a gay pen pal that I can write and send my sexy artwork to? I have so much of it I want to send someone. Please, Mr. Ryan, could you write me back, a LONELY PRISONER WHO ALSO HAS A HUGE SCHLONG and wants to stuff your “malebox” with a special delivery. Come on and let me give you something to write about. Is there a line for that morning blowjob? You know you would love a double size serving of HIV- negative, 100% protein tube steak. Black, bold, strong and thick as a wrist. I got it a head on it the size of a brass doorknob and would love to cause you a little bit of uncomfortable pain when I ease this monster up your fanny. Keep up the good work. Print some of my art in The Stranger.


Good heavens! A special delivery? In my FANNY?! If that’s what prison is about, we may never understand the true reason Paris was so eager to renounce her imprisonment. Never!

The scanned letter (in all its girly cursive glory, and containing the aforementioned “sexy artwork”) is below. (CAUTION! LURID PENISES AHEAD!) Enjoy!


RSS icon Comments


I...I don't think I would accept any more letters from that dude.

That dick is covered with tumors.

Posted by Mr. Poe | June 7, 2007 12:36 PM

Once again the meaning of NSFW escapes Mr. Ryan. But I think you missed the most exciting part of that picture, Adrian -- the face. Mascara, in prison? See, Paris, you didn't have to leave...

Posted by Fnarf | June 7, 2007 12:44 PM

Dear Adrian,

I’ve been debating on whether to share this link since it contains eye candy so explosive that no work would get done at Stranger HQ for at least a week and by then everyone’s hands would be rubbed raw, but here it is:

Posted by Original Andrew | June 7, 2007 12:46 PM

Doesn't he know that's not how pipe fittings work?

Posted by Ziggity | June 7, 2007 12:48 PM

just for the record: cement is to concrete as flour is to cake. That would be a concrete hotel, not a cement hotel.

Posted by duncan | June 7, 2007 12:51 PM

you are all so totally right about everything.

Posted by adrian! | June 7, 2007 12:52 PM

That's why we're here, Adrian, so you don't have to be.

Posted by Fnarf | June 7, 2007 1:39 PM

a blessing. don't think i'm not appreciative, fnarf.

Posted by adrian! | June 7, 2007 1:41 PM

We love you Adrian. We love you!

Posted by Mr. Poe | June 7, 2007 1:58 PM

Are we here so that Adrian doesn't have to be here or are we here so that Adrian doesn't have to be right? Careful, Adrian. Some people have a dasterdly way with words.

Duncan, do you need a boyfriend? Your post made me hot.

Posted by Huh? | June 7, 2007 1:58 PM

Um, guys, NSFW.

Learn it.
Love it.
Use it with abandon.

But do it BENEATH the fold (continued).

Posted by Will in Seattle | June 7, 2007 2:19 PM

oh! OH! i though NSFW meant "No Sex From Women!" i was, like, i'm TOTALLY nsfw! 24/7, yo! i had n idea what anyone was talking about. whew. now i know. i feel as if i've grown.

wait. what does NWSF mean again?

oh, never mind.

Posted by adrian! | June 7, 2007 2:32 PM

I'm with Fnarf. The first thing I notice about the sketches wasn't the exaggeratedly detailed shlong, but the girly girly face. Goes with the girly girly writing, I guess.

No way this guy's a top.

Posted by SDA in SEA | June 7, 2007 2:41 PM

Top is as top does.

Your face is not your destiny.

That said, the US Senator from South Carolina, you know who I mean, is totally gay and in the closet.

Posted by Will in Seattle | June 7, 2007 2:46 PM

We do love you Adrian Ryan! We DO!

Posted by sylwiasupersucker | June 7, 2007 6:08 PM


Posted by Bill | June 12, 2007 2:21 PM

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