TV Oscars On Tap
posted by February 25 at 17:12 PMon
So, the official Academy Awards preshow will be starting in seconds. The red carpet is one of the only parts of the Oscars I don’t give a shit about—even the best red carpet interviewers suck—so I’ll just take this time to share my pre-show dreams and concerns.
In my dreams, Peter O’Toole will be denied an sentimental Best Actor Oscar, Stranger Genius Award winner James Longley’s Iraq in Fragments will win Best Documentary, and Beyonce will trip and fall on international television.
In my nightmares, anyone other than Martin Scorsese or Paul Greengrass takes Best Director, and Jennifer Hudson’s Best Supporting Actress Oscar is somehow stolen by Little Miss Sunshine’s Abigail Breslin. Fuck that bitch.
And, for the record, here are my choices and predicted winners in the main cateogories:
Best Supporting Actor
SHOULD WIN: Eddie Murphy
WILL WIN: Eddie Murphy
Best Supporting Actress
SHOULD WIN: Jennifer Hudson
WILL WIN: Jennifer Hudson
SHOULD WIN: Forrest Whitaker
WILL WIN: Forrest Whitaker
SHOULD WIN: Judi Dench or Helen Mirren
WILL WIN: Helen Mirren (duh)
SHOULD WIN: Paul Greengrass, United 93
WILL WIN: Martin Scorsese, The Departed (and good for him—he should have at least three by now.)
SHOULD WIN: None of the nominated pictures. United 93, Volver, and Children of Men were the best movies I saw last year.
WILL WIN:Little Miss Sunshine (I blame reality television, which forced sitcoms off the small screen and onto the Oscar stage.)
That’s all for now. Also, Ryan Gosling is so handsome he’s hard to look at.
THE CEREMONY BEGINS:
5:40 pm: Ellen looks like she was dressed by LeRoy’s Menswear. (Although ImpossiblePrince’s claim that she looks like Shirley Partirdge is right on too.) But she’s a charming hostess.
5:46: The rumors are true! Order of awards is all topsy turvy! Cheap thrills, but I’ll take ‘em where they come.
5:48: Pan’s Labyrinth wins its first award of the night. It’s gonna win at least two more, and Mexico’s triumph at this year’s Oscars will be seized by the Right as more evidence of Hollywood’s liberal bias. (“If Hollyweird was in charge, the borders would all have red carpets leading foreigners in!”)
5:50! THERE ARE DANCERS!!!!! (Also, sometimes it seems like Maggie Gyllenhaal has that “aging in silence” disease…)
5:54: Okay, this is funny. I blame Marc Shaiman. I am also a fan of the aggressive objectification of Helen Mirren. It cracks me up, and it’s just.
5:59: Abigail Breslin can suck my dead dog’s ass. Really, that girl’s trouble.
6:12: I think my acid just kicked in.
6:20: Here we go, Best Supporting Actor, Arkin v. Murphy….
6:23: Suck that, Norbit. Also, I just lost a $5 bet to Steinbacher.
6:29: Sara Ramirez deserves an Oscar for her delivery of “That was great!” after that contest-winning Dove commercial.