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Sunday, February 25, 2007

Oscars On Tap

posted by on February 25 at 17:12 PM

So, the official Academy Awards preshow will be starting in seconds. The red carpet is one of the only parts of the Oscars I don’t give a shit about—even the best red carpet interviewers suck—so I’ll just take this time to share my pre-show dreams and concerns.

In my dreams, Peter O’Toole will be denied an sentimental Best Actor Oscar, Stranger Genius Award winner James Longley’s Iraq in Fragments will win Best Documentary, and Beyonce will trip and fall on international television.

In my nightmares, anyone other than Martin Scorsese or Paul Greengrass takes Best Director, and Jennifer Hudson’s Best Supporting Actress Oscar is somehow stolen by Little Miss Sunshine’s Abigail Breslin. Fuck that bitch.

And, for the record, here are my choices and predicted winners in the main cateogories:

Best Supporting Actor
SHOULD WIN: Eddie Murphy
WILL WIN: Eddie Murphy

Best Supporting Actress
SHOULD WIN: Jennifer Hudson
WILL WIN: Jennifer Hudson

Best Actor
SHOULD WIN: Forrest Whitaker
WILL WIN: Forrest Whitaker

Best Actress
SHOULD WIN: Judi Dench or Helen Mirren
WILL WIN: Helen Mirren (duh)

Best Director
SHOULD WIN: Paul Greengrass, United 93
WILL WIN: Martin Scorsese, The Departed (and good for him—he should have at least three by now.)

Best Picture
SHOULD WIN: None of the nominated pictures. United 93, Volver, and Children of Men were the best movies I saw last year.
WILL WIN:Little Miss Sunshine (I blame reality television, which forced sitcoms off the small screen and onto the Oscar stage.)

That’s all for now. Also, Ryan Gosling is so handsome he’s hard to look at.

THE CEREMONY BEGINS:

5:40 pm: Ellen looks like she was dressed by LeRoy’s Menswear. (Although ImpossiblePrince’s claim that she looks like Shirley Partirdge is right on too.) But she’s a charming hostess.

5:46: The rumors are true! Order of awards is all topsy turvy! Cheap thrills, but I’ll take ‘em where they come.

5:48: Pan’s Labyrinth wins its first award of the night. It’s gonna win at least two more, and Mexico’s triumph at this year’s Oscars will be seized by the Right as more evidence of Hollywood’s liberal bias. (“If Hollyweird was in charge, the borders would all have red carpets leading foreigners in!”)

5:50! THERE ARE DANCERS!!!!! (Also, sometimes it seems like Maggie Gyllenhaal has that “aging in silence” disease…)

5:54: Okay, this is funny. I blame Marc Shaiman. I am also a fan of the aggressive objectification of Helen Mirren. It cracks me up, and it’s just.

5:59: Abigail Breslin can suck my dead dog’s ass. Really, that girl’s trouble.

6:12: I think my acid just kicked in.

6:20: Here we go, Best Supporting Actor, Arkin v. Murphy….

6:23: Suck that, Norbit. Also, I just lost a $5 bet to Steinbacher.

6:29: Sara Ramirez deserves an Oscar for her delivery of “That was great!” after that contest-winning Dove commercial.

RSS icon Comments

1

say what you will about the carpet, but cate blanchett is now, officially, the only movie star.

Posted by annie | February 25, 2007 5:18 PM
2

Ellen looks like Shirley Partridge, not that it is a bad thing.

Posted by impossible prince | February 25, 2007 5:38 PM
3

White shoes? WTF? I guess I should be glad Ellen isn't wearing sneakers.

Posted by keshmeshi | February 25, 2007 5:48 PM
4

omg you missed Sally Kirkland on the red carpet?! CRAZY

Posted by Explorer | February 25, 2007 5:50 PM
5

Please tell me more specifics of Sally Kirklan's red carpet insanity.

Posted by David Schmader | February 25, 2007 5:53 PM
6

Mark Wahlberg is still hot!

Posted by impossible prince | February 25, 2007 5:56 PM
7

I thought Pan's Labyrinth was Spanish.

Did anyone else cringe at Ellen's insinuation that Penelope Cruz is Mexican?

Posted by keshmeshi | February 25, 2007 5:56 PM
8

Actually, Ellen went out of her way to acknowledge PC as Spanish.

And nope, Pan's Labyrinth is Mexican.

Posted by David Schmader | February 25, 2007 5:59 PM
9

I like Amber Breslin way more than that creepy Dakota Fanning...but not as much as Will Smith's kid. He's just so damn charming.

I also have to say, this is the first year the Oscar ceremony is actually, truly keeping me entertained. I've actually laughed several times. And I haven't even opened the bottle of wine yet!

Posted by Joey The Girl | February 25, 2007 6:09 PM
10

How can you hate a 10 year old girl so much?

Posted by Gitai | February 25, 2007 6:10 PM
11

I agree. That comedy musical number with Will Ferrell and Jack Black was deeply funny.

Posted by David Schmader | February 25, 2007 6:10 PM
12

I'm just kidding. Abigail Breslin is adorable, I just don't want her to accidentally win an Oscar, so I'm hoping to sway public opnion with my excessive ill will.

Posted by David Schmader | February 25, 2007 6:12 PM
13

Wait, that was funny, but the Snow White number, which was at least actually rehearsed, was awful? I don't understand.

Posted by Fnarf | February 25, 2007 6:13 PM
14

Fnarf: The concept of the comedy number was brilliant, and made up for the sloppiness in my book.

Snow White's dream of Old Hollywood while on a blind date with Rob Lowe was an insane idea before either of us were born.

Posted by David Schmader | February 25, 2007 6:16 PM
15

Jessica Biel looked like she could eat her co-presenter for his protein and no net carbs.


She looks great though, even with that fugly dress. Who was the chicken in a suit?

Posted by Monique | February 25, 2007 6:20 PM
16

Steeerike one!

Posted by robotslave | February 25, 2007 6:23 PM
17

DAMN! Arkin? Really? sheesh.

Posted by genevieve | February 25, 2007 6:25 PM
18

But at least the Rob Lowe/Snow White bit had dancers who could dance. And talented people were nearby; Gene Kelly is briefly visible on the side of the stage. There isn't a soul within a hundred miles of that auditorium tonight who's worth a tenth of Gene Kelly.

Where's the Shiite truck bomb when you need one?

Posted by Fnarf | February 25, 2007 6:26 PM
19

I know! I'm always wrong, and I'm always sure that this is the year I'm going to be right. This is why I'm scared Abigail Breslin is going to win Best Supporting Actress.

Posted by David Schmader | February 25, 2007 6:27 PM
20

One Martin Scorsese is at least equal to one Gene Kelly.

Posted by David Schmader | February 25, 2007 6:28 PM
21

Think that's Abigail's lucky monkey in her lap?

Posted by Explorer | February 25, 2007 6:29 PM
22

Any five minutes of "American in Paris" is worth more than Scorcese's entire career.

Posted by Fnarf | February 25, 2007 6:30 PM
23

Interpretive dancing by MUMMENCHANZ. (sp?)

Posted by Explorer | February 25, 2007 6:31 PM
24

SEVENTEEN nominations?


I knew he'd only won one, but damn, Randy, I didn't realize it was that bad.

Posted by robotslave | February 25, 2007 6:32 PM
25

Fnarf, I'm breaking up with you, your love of "Cattle and Cane" be damned.

Posted by David Schmader | February 25, 2007 6:32 PM
26

Fuck Randy Newman. Gross.

Posted by Monique | February 25, 2007 6:33 PM
27

Randy's got a split personality. His film stuff tends to be pap, but damn, his first half dozen records or so are head-crushingly good.

Posted by robotslave | February 25, 2007 6:40 PM
28

David, you can't break up with me now, I just did my nails!

Listening to these douchebags congratulate themselves for their moral leadership on global warming is puke-inducing. Al Gore is too real a guy to be hanging out with these idiots.

Posted by Fnarf | February 25, 2007 6:41 PM
29

Robotslave speaks the truth.

Posted by David Schmader | February 25, 2007 6:45 PM
30

CANDIDATES NEED --- $$$$$

HOLLYWOOD HAS ---- $$$$$$

douchebag, be careful, Dan has a trademark on that old passe put down of cleaning the vagina

or are straight men now douching a lot these days?

Posted by eric | February 25, 2007 6:49 PM
31

Randy Newman keeps making the same song over and over again. The first 20 times he did that type of song it was good maybe even great. But now?.....no dice.


Posted by Monique | February 25, 2007 6:50 PM
32

Like I said, split personality. His early records are... well, they're a bit different from the movie songs.

Posted by robotslave | February 25, 2007 6:54 PM
33

Al Gore isn't a candidate, and if he does declare, he won't get a significant percentage of his campaign donations from Hollywood. No one does.

Posted by Fnarf | February 25, 2007 6:54 PM
34

Jack Nicholson is 2 pork sandwiches away from being the next Brando.

Posted by Joshica | February 25, 2007 6:56 PM
35

I'm not sure which was more disturbing--the commercial turning people into M&Ms, or the writer of the Departed seeming to teeter VERY close to an emotional breakdown before the orchestra played him out with Gentle Piano...

Posted by Andy Niable | February 25, 2007 6:57 PM
36

Every time Randy Newman farts, another catchy tune is born. His is the best pap in the business. Why begrudge him his talent?

We should all hope the Academy doesn't insult Martin Scorsese by giving him an Oscar for a mediocre effort.

Posted by Sean | February 25, 2007 6:58 PM
37

True that Robotslave. True that.


Posted by Monique | February 25, 2007 6:58 PM
38

I vote for the people turning into M&Ms.

Posted by David Schmader | February 25, 2007 6:59 PM
39

Suggestion: why not just let Jack Nicholson ACTUALLY host next year--he's been trying to for years from the front row...

Posted by Andy Niable | February 25, 2007 7:03 PM
40

Shall we all wonder to guess what Tom just whispered into his former boss's ear?

Posted by Andy Niable | February 25, 2007 7:08 PM

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