I have not been to Columbia City Cinema. I hear it is lovely.

This afternoon, along with a notice that the kids’ matinee lineup has changed, came a tale of woe so touching I just had to reproduce it here:

The Christmas Party No one Missed

Yikes! What if you give a party and no one comes. We thought it would be a great idea to introduce our new screening room in the lobby with four nights of free showings of It’s a Wonderful Life and Bad Santa but no one else did. No one came. No one. Yes, we did send out an email. The good news is the picture and sound are great. You’re probably going to hate your old home dvd system. The bad news is we’re canceling the remaining two nights but we’re still going to play It’s a Wonderful Life free in the lobby for the next few days at 1:00 4:15 and 7:00 and maybe try again after Christmas.

(Just for the record, the screenings were announced after we went to press last week so you couldn’t hear about them in the paper.) As though things couldn’t get any worse, the email continues:

Bad Santa

Here’s an announcement we hate to make. But sometimes things happen. We’ve been fending off a well-known (to police) invader crackhead for several days as he attempts to slip into the building and support his habit with anything he might find. He stole the tip jar at The Alehouse. We’ve thrown him out several times and taken increased security measures. But alas, through a concatenation of emergencies and events all happening like a perfect storm at exactly the worst moment, and a computer repairman who left two doors unlocked (not his fault, we should have caught it), said head was allowed to penetrate security and rifle through drawers for about fifteen minutes, while everyone else was attending to pressing problems. The weekend cash, minutes away from being deposited, was lost. We saw him run out and almost caught him but he slipped away. “Well, thank god those doors were locked,” we said. Do you see where this is going? Never mind how much was taken, but it was a staggering loss for our little cinema. That’s bad enough, but there may be worse problem. Some checks were taken and we feel we need to alert you. So here goes: If you wrote a check for tickets, gift certificates or concessions on Tuesday, Dec 12, or Saturday, Dec 16, or Sunday December 17, it’s gone and you could be at risk for all that identity theft stuff that goes on. Not likely but we thought we should let you know. These are the times we live in and this isn’t Bedford Falls. When Miss America has to go into rehab what can you expect? Tell us why we’re playing It’s a Wonderful Life again. Free tickets if you’re forced to stop payment on a check.

Poor Columbia City Cinema. If you’d like to show ‘em some love, Charlotte’s Web is playing at 5 and 7 today and 1, 3, 5, and 7 pm through Saturday. I advise paying with cash.