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Sunday, October 30, 2005

Libby, Schmibby—How About Those White Sox?

Posted by on October 30 at 12:18 PM

Some final thoughts from my brother Bill, Cubs Fanatic, on the White Sox. As you’ll see, graciousness runs in the family. Oh, and there’s some encouraging words for Mariner’s fans in here too.

OK, I’m back from the window ledge. The clothesline is no longer tied into a hangman’s noose, and I’ve put all the sharp knives back in their drawers. No need to end it all over the White Sox—God, it kills me to type this—World Series victory. Why? Well, I’ve got my talking points in order, and a bright vision of the future for both the Cubs and the Mariners.

Talking points: the Sox only won because it was fixed. Every questionable call from the umpires went their way, and Major League Baseball forced Houston to play with the roof of Minute Maid Park open. The Astros were only 15-11 in the regular season with the roof open, while they were 36-17 with it closed. Forcing it to stay open took the home field advantage away from the Astros and sealed the deal. The suits wanted the larger media market to win (though this was the lowest rated World Series in TV history, thanks—I think—to the jackasses who announced it and Fox TV’s endless sound effects and promos and bullshit) and so the fix was in.

It’s so, Joe.

And whatever gloating the Sox fans might do, they still are Sox fans and have to live in their blighted neighborhoods, soulless suburban tornado-attracting trailer parks, and various jails, prisons and half-way houses. They still have their mullets and their velveeta and their lite beer and their meth labs. This distaste for all things White Sox Fans, by the way, is shared even by members of the clergy: the Reverend Andrew Greeley’s column in today’s Sun-Times says it all.

As for the bright future, it has been pointed out to me (by my cousin Chris Schneider, another fanatical Cubs fan in the family) that an encouraging pattern has emerged in the last two World Series. First, the Red Sox, who hadn’t won since 1918, won last year. Then this year, the White Sox, winless since 1917, win. So, God seems to be going backwards in time, giving long-sought victory to long-suffering fans. So, who’s next? Cubs, 1908. And 2006. As the late Cubs TV announcer Jack Brickhouse used to put it, “Any team can have a bad century.”

Then the magical reasoning stops and the pure conjecture begins: after the Cubs win next year, does it shift to the next longest Championship drought (the Cleveland Indians, 1948) or does it go to teams which have never won?

Here’s the deal for the Mariners: if God does not disappoint, and the next Series after the Cubs triumph goes to teams with the longest drought, the future is: ‘07, Cleveland, ‘08, Giants—then—in the order in which teams came into the majors—after Texas, Houston, Milwaukee, Washington and San Diego, the Mariners win it all in 2014. If, however, God goes to teams which have never won, then the Mariners win in 2012. You can bank on it.

Now, it’s time to drink. Opening Day is only about 26 weeks away.