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Thursday, March 22, 2007

A Curse Has Been Placed on Brendan Kiley’s Head!

posted by on March 22 at 2:05 AM

Oooh, Brendan, you shouldn’t have messed with Fay the Tattooed Psychic. Even though your column wasn’t all that mean—you say, “It’s hokum, but it’s pleasant hokum”—she is so mad she’s put a curse on you.

Her email starts with what sounds like a request for a correction:

wow what a great LIE you wrote about me. I never stated I was an ex boozer that was news to everyone who ahs known me for the past 40 years. I also have the entire show on video and it was reviewed and nowhere did i say I was a boozer! So I don’t appreciate your paper lying about me and trying to discredit me…..kind of a PUNK ASS shit thing to do Little Brenden! but everyone knew you would say shit, because that is what you do. I even predicted it on my last radio show before you wrote your silly article. Your paper is very predictable in Seattle my friend. Maybe you should stop boring people with your negative reviews and try soemthing new.

She goes on:

Brendon…i know you will never undestand anything I do or any kind of sprituality that is far beyond your reach. You are my friend, too predicatble and that is your problem. You are nothing but a little punk ass who does not have the balls to say anything to anyones face, so you hide behind a paper noone really reads. I don’t even read it and a friend told me about your silly article. Do you even know what metphysical performers are? Did you educate yourself at all before going to tthe show? Why didn’t you just say what you thought to my face little punk. were you scared that the dead people might get you? because now they will for sure! Couldn’t your little boyfriend protect you?

Um, Faye? Brendan’s straight. We sometimes make cracks about how gay it is that he’s the theater editor but we can only really get away with that because, like, he’s straight as a stick. Boringly straight. But he wears sweaters and collared shirts sometimes—maybe that threw you. Now, dead people?

You and your little lover, he was your boyrfirend right- come in free to our show and then all you can do is make fun of my weight and tattoos! Come On! Give me more than that! That was hysterical. I felt like I was in 6th grade again getting picked on by the boys who never get any attention so they pick on the fat kids! They think it is funny but they don’t relaise the fat kids are really making fun of them too because they are gay! ! Didn”t people make fun of you because you are gay…so why do you think it is ok to talk shit about people you don’t even know. Too funny! There is a saying in gypsy blood you may understand…what goes around comes around- and you my friend just opened a door to shit you may one day look back on and say “oh shit that fat tattooed psychic lady was right…my life is fucked!” Curses suck!

Um, curse?

I don’t care if you call me fat, hell I know that dumb shit-I actually use to weigh 310 pounds so I feel pretty fucking good about myself- I don’t care if you make fun of tattoos…that is just stupid on your behalf…I don’t care if you make fun of my hard life- hell I chew pansy guys like you up and spit them out - you are nothing to me- but you did not need to lie Brenden- not good for you! shame shame shame! I basically think you are a coward and I can not wait to see you again so i can tell you to your face what I think- because obviuosly my balls are bigger than yours. And you want to talk poser! your boyfriend looked like he was in a 1980’s cover band- can you tell him it is not cute and that people think it is funny looking! Tell your boyfriend I said hi and Judas Priest Kicks The Scorpions ASS! i didn’t want to tell him at the show because I did not want him to cry.

Um, Faye? I think you might have read this all wro—

Until we meet again….and we will…in this life … not the next ! :)

I don’t know what that means, Brendan. But it sounds like you’re screwed.

RSS icon Comments


welcome back, brendan!

Posted by kt | March 22, 2007 6:57 AM

Sounds like Faye doesn't like gay people.

Posted by elswinger | March 22, 2007 7:06 AM

"Your paper is very predictable in Seattle my friend."

Challenge: She should predict the content of next week's Seattle.

Posted by Lloyd Clydesdale | March 22, 2007 7:09 AM

Faye sounds like she is not a former boozer at all. She sounds like she is a current boozer. But once again another quasi-psyco "spiritual" person who is putting curses on people. Just like the Christians.....

Posted by Andrew | March 22, 2007 7:18 AM

I can help, Brendan. There is a quick and easy way to rid yourself of this curse. Sit down with a pair of headphones and listen to "Abba Zabba" by Captain Beefheart. But you've got to really listen, man. It will be taken care of.

PS Do not listen to any Scorpions before the curse has been lifted. This will make matters much worse, and I'd be forced to demand a fee for any further consultation.

Posted by Gabriel | March 22, 2007 7:23 AM

i'm grateful SOMEBODY has finally put a terrible curse on brendan...i've been frankly too busy. now his scarf will rot and fall off.

Posted by adrian! | March 22, 2007 9:09 AM

"We'll print a correction in the next issue, Faye."

Yeah, why get all upset about our saying you used to be an alcoholic? We'll apologize. No big deal, right? Sheesh...

Posted by wf | March 22, 2007 9:11 AM

Thank you, this totally made my morning. I wish I were in that audience. The article wasn't that mean at all. Yeah, she sounds like she's on the sauce though, haha. Sounds like Miss Cleo was teaching her trade to her fellow inmates.

Posted by you're a libra, arentcha darling | March 22, 2007 9:13 AM

There is another saying in Gypsy Blood you may also know: "Oooga Booga, Ooooga, Oooga." It means "I am making all of this shit up as I go along."

It is very powerful.

And it appears Brendan did do some research into “metaphysical performers” beforehand… he can obviously spot an amateur cold reading an audience.

Posted by The_Pope_Of_Chili_Town | March 22, 2007 9:14 AM

She does have a point about Judas Priest, though.

Posted by niche | March 22, 2007 9:21 AM

I want to know who Brendan's gay poser boyfriend from the 1980's cover band was.

"Tell your boyfriend I said hi and Judas Priest Kicks The Scorpions ASS!"

She sounds like she come right out of the movie Heavy Metal Parking Lot.

Posted by breakin' the law | March 22, 2007 9:23 AM

She apparently doesn't see the connection between responding to ad hominem attacks and making ad hominem attacks.

Posted by Gitai | March 22, 2007 9:36 AM

i have seen her balls. they are huge.

Posted by tenspeed | March 22, 2007 9:53 AM

How, um, spiritual.

Posted by Fnarf | March 22, 2007 10:43 AM

She sounds like a load of crap- doesnt mean she is one, but the way she writes and her misspellings dont help her much.

Speaking of typos- you've got one in the article online, thought I'd point it out.

Finally: curses dont suck, they only suck for those who MAKE them suck.

Posted by catnextdoor | March 22, 2007 10:45 AM

This is the best thing I have ever read.

Posted by Lindy West | March 22, 2007 10:57 AM

It's a false choice! Reasonable people can love both the Scorps and Judas Priest. Just sayin'.

Posted by J.R. | March 22, 2007 11:17 AM

Hurm, if she was REALLY psychic, shouldn't she have foreseen Brendan was going to write a negative review of her "performance" and called him out on it DURING the show, rather than several days afterward?

Wait, wait - I'm sensing this woman has a great deal of anger bottled up inside; perhaps a traumatic childhood encounter, possibly with a close relative that fostered severe self-esteem issues, leading to many years of self-destructive behavior, before she finally got her shit enough together to get off the hooch, lose some weight, and start a career as a "psychic entertainer"?

Hey, this psychic shit is eeeaaaassyy!
How much does that back room at The Rendezvous rent for, anyway?

Posted by COMTE | March 22, 2007 11:27 AM

"You just opened a door to shit" is my new favorite threat/comeback/greeting.

Posted by lettuce | March 22, 2007 12:41 PM

Oh my god, that is so many kinds of awesome, I don't even know what to do.

Good luck Brendan!

Posted by Cate | March 22, 2007 2:09 PM

my favorite part from her blog: "Now I must punish you the name of all women who are large in stature and tattooed!( and talk to the dead) . When I see him out and about I am going to Lick his face and curse him with the spit from 7 genrations back. Then I am going to hold him down and give him a tattoo...a nice big one on his little fucking head...that says I Love Fat chicks with Big TATS!!""

Posted by josh bomb | March 22, 2007 3:30 PM

That poor, rabid woman. Her email would actually be quite frightening if only she used spellcheck, capitalized the beginning of sentences and proper nouns, and decided once and for all whether Brendan's name is spelled with an "o" or an "e".

Posted by Elspeth | March 22, 2007 5:04 PM

I would like to comfort you, Brendan Kiley. Oh wait, are you gay? Can you introduce me to your 80's cover band friend? He sounds hot.

Posted by Lele McLeod | March 22, 2007 8:54 PM

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