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Wednesday, October 1, 2008

“Many women refuse to sit on faces because they’re conscious of what a butt smells like.”

posted by on October 1 at 16:24 PM is a website that offers thousands and thousands of tutorials on “How To Do Just About Everything.” Seriously. Topics include: How to Assign Power of Attorney for an Offshore Bank Account; How to Avoid Being Picked Out Of A Police Lineup; How to Acid Wash Clothes (“Get access to two industrial washing machines…”); How to Act Around Your Boyfriend (“Were not going to stop liking you because we just saw you eat a turkey sandwich”); How to Build a Small Robot (“Place the vibrator on the back of the toothbrush head…”); and so on and so on.

A friend who works for the site recently e-mailed me a submission they received, which, unfortunately, is a little too risque for publication on eHow. But not for Slog!

Ladies and gentlemen, I present for your edification, How to Get Face Sat (full text after the jump):

How to Get Face Sat

Difficulty Rating: Challenging


Give a woman multiple orgasms by having her sit on your face. Any woman you date is a potential candidate to sit on your face. Each woman has a primal desire to sit on a guy’s face—even through most don’t know this until they get a taste of it. There’s no reason why this should only exist in your fantasies. This is an easy and effective way to please a woman.

Step 1:

Learn to be good at cunnilingus if you’re not already good at it. Enjoy giving oral sex to a woman with every fiber of your being. Start by reading books about it, then ask your partner for feedback. Listen to her, both her verbal and non-verbal language.

Step 2:

Surprise your partner. Tell her that you want to get into the sixty-nine position, with you on the bottom. If you do a good job, she won’t be able to concentrate with going down on you. Push her up so that she’s at a 45-degree angle to you. She may try to go back down on you, but push her up. Continue to satisfy her orally and breathe right into her butt.

Step 3:

Nudge her up when she starts moaning; continue to lick her vagina. Then gradually get her into a “sitting” position. When she really gets into the move of things, pull her butt down onto your face. Expect one of two things to happen. She relaxes, sits on your face and enjoys the ride, or she resists you at some point.

Step 4:

Continue hitting her at the right spots. When she’s sitting on your face, your tongue has access to all her erogenous zones, including her clitoris. It won’t take you long to bring her off to a powerful orgasm. Some might try to dismount you before reaching an orgasm, don’t let them escape. Hold her hips tightly and keep going at it until she orgasms.

Step 5:

Talk to her about the experience after her orgasms. Most women who orgasm while sitting on a guy’s face become attached to receiving pleasure this way.

Step 6:

Tell her that you enjoy heavy face-sitting if she resisted your attempts to get her to fully sit on your face. Let her know that no matter how hard she sits, it won’t discomfort you. Slowly work her in. Your encouragement and her willingness to please you help in easing these fears.

Tips and Warnings:

* Many women refuse to sit on faces because they’re conscious of what a butt smells like. Resolve this by sniffing her butt during foreplay or after she orgasms. Do this when she’s comfortable with you. Tell her how great she smells down there.

* A professional dominatrix that does smothering and breath play is a good face-sitting candidate. Before you meet a woman, arrange a face-sitting session with a dominatrix. Get her to subject you to brutal, full-weight face sitting. Reference this history when working with a woman that’s afraid to “crush” your face.

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Uh, unless she scrubbed for twenty minutes with five different types of soap, you don't have to tell her how great it smells. Because it doesn't smell great. It smells atrocious.

Posted by god i hate butt | October 1, 2008 4:32 PM

A girl friend of mine in college had a boyfriend who, as a special treat during a bout of cunnilingus, ran his tongue back to her butt.

She was so upset that anyone would ever think to do such a thing to anyone that she cried. Like, right then.

Posted by David Schmader | October 1, 2008 4:39 PM

Ooh, crying is not good. Crying is definitely not the response you're looking for there.

Posted by Fnarf | October 1, 2008 4:46 PM

@2: I hope that poor boy didn't let such a violent reaction put him off of salad tossing for good. Valuable skill.

Posted by Aislinn | October 1, 2008 4:53 PM

i made a girl cry when i gave her the 1st orgasm of her life. and it wasn't tears of joy & gratitude, it was because she thought it was dirty & she was now a slut.

and i never even touched her ass with my tongue.

Posted by max solomon | October 1, 2008 4:58 PM

"Some might try to dismount you before reaching an orgasm, don’t let them escape."


I wish my wife was even remotely into this sort of thing. *sigh*

Posted by so hawt | October 1, 2008 4:59 PM

I prefer syrup.

Posted by w7ngman fan | October 1, 2008 5:07 PM

Eww. Butt.

Posted by TVDinner | October 1, 2008 6:11 PM

Sorry- can't get the Monty Python song out of my head... "Sit on my face and tell me that you love me..." ;-)

Any woman that doesn't LOVE this is crazy, or scared to death that it's beyond perverted and I am deeply sorry for them.
I guess female ejaculation would send them over the edge!

Posted by Carol | October 1, 2008 6:17 PM

There are guys who WANT to do this?

Please call me.

Posted by Gloria | October 1, 2008 7:22 PM

I don't know if vacuum-sealed-mash-the-anus-onto-my-nose-squashing is necessary, but having the lady straddle the face is the BEST angle for the cunnilingus. No weird lower-jaw jutting required! Hours of sloppy goodness.

Posted by Yogi | October 1, 2008 7:30 PM

Let's work the problem here. Is this not what scented products were made for? Peach, aloe, a carefully aimed squirt of Chanel No. 5? Surely a resolution can be reached! I mean, for the greater good and all.

Posted by Irena | October 1, 2008 7:57 PM

This is one of the worst guides i've read regarding oral sex. And let's not even get started on the ass part. I wish it was a joke.

Posted by Lauren | October 1, 2008 8:04 PM

Coming from a female who has a male partner who's tried getting me to do this often, I FULLY disagree with with #13! This a great little guide.
It reminds me of something that should be in Box Lunch by Diana Cage (which you guys need to read and do an article on if you haven't already.)

I even just emailed it to my honey with a little nudge and wink. Hopefully we'll be getting some good salad tossin in here soon....

Posted by morgi | October 1, 2008 8:21 PM


Oh my, I don't know. Maybe it's just me, but I hate it when people try to cover up bad smells with fragrance. It just leads me to associate that fragrance with that bad smell.

Posted by keshmeshi | October 1, 2008 8:43 PM

Ditto @15. I'd rather smell ass than peach-flavored ass.

Face-sitting. Awesome. Unless the sittee has a cold. Then it's called death by muff-smothering.

Posted by Ariel | October 1, 2008 9:21 PM

@9: I guess I must be crazy, then, since I tried it three times, and I hated it. I did not get anything out of it whatsoever, except feeling slightly damp in an uncomfortable way.

I regularly peg and give rimjobs, since my boyfriend is into that, but I can't stop being generally (but only privately, so he doesn't feel guilty) grossed-out by the concept of ass - not because I think it's perverted, just because...well, seriously, we shit from there. "Eat shit" is an insult for a reason. I guess love means eating ass while fantasizing about your toothbrush waiting for you down the hall.

Posted by yourleastfavorite | October 1, 2008 9:28 PM

@9, I dearly wish I could sever the strings that hold my eyeballs in place so that I could roll them alllllll the way around for you. It's nice to know that if I don't like sitting on a dude's face, it must be because I'm crazy or frigid, and not because, you know, that particular angle doesn't do it for me.

I thank all the gods that I don't actually believe in that I don't have to fuck you, because lord almighty you sound tedious as hell.

Posted by haunted leg | October 1, 2008 10:17 PM

People, run a wash cloth over your crotch before sex please. It ony takes a few seconds but could enhance the whole experience. And while we're at it, mouthwash is a must, too. And guys, colognes and cigarettes aren't attractive in the bedroom to everyone.

Posted by Vince | October 2, 2008 8:43 AM

You know we live in a fancy modern world with soaps and showers and what not. There is nothing wrong with a little clean up before such things.

My mouth does not touch ass unless that ass has had a little scrubbing*.

*Also known as sexy shower foreplay.

Posted by Giffy | October 2, 2008 9:32 AM

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