Chow Vegetables Are Trying to Kill You!
posted by September 22 at 14:20 PMon
The other day, as I wandered through the QFC on 15th Ave E, I spied a curious situation: Some fickle shopper, apparently, had picked up two to three jugs of laundry detergent, then lost interest in freshly laundered clothes somewhere around the produce section, and abandoned their detergent in a neatly formed row in between the spinach and the tomatoes. “That’s weird,” I thought. Then I looked closer:
Oh, silly me. It’s not laundry detergent. This jug contains “Fi-i-it Fruit & Vegetable Wash.” It’s “100% Natural!” How nice! The placement of “Fi-i-it” between said tomatoes and spinach (two vegetables contaminated by SCANDAL in the past year) is clearly no coincidence. Because vegetables are dangerous, people! Be grateful that “Fi-i-it” is looking out for you! What’s the difference between a fruit & vegetable enthusiast and a bloated, rotting, poison-soaked fruit & vegetable enthusiast? A $5 jug of “Fi-i-it.” Buy it. Buy it. Be afraid. Buy it.
You know, I’ve been a fan of fruit & vegetable wash for a long time. I have! But to be honest, I much preferred fruit & vegetable wash’s earlier work, when it was called MOTHERFUCKING WATER. Or, if you want to get all fancy, motherfucking water with a very, very small amount of dish soap in it.
Also available from the folks who brought you “Fi-i-it,” new “Wallet & Money Clip & Bank Account Wash!” Flush out those dollars, people. OR DIE.