Life Bicycle Diary
posted by August 12 at 14:46 PM
onThe other day on the Burke-Gilman trail near Sandpoint, some jackass almost killed a man. The trail was scattered with people in the prime of their lives—giggling college students, joggers, etc. The lake, when you could see it, shimmered between houses. Several guys and a girl on bikes were whizzing down the flat trail, not holding their handlebars, arms raised parallel to the ground, shouting “Zombie on a bicycle!” whenever they passed someone. The jackass in front started it and his friends behind him got to catch the expressions on the passeds-by. (New word!) The first passeds-by looked perplexed—the delivery was too goofy. Then he tried roaring “ZOMBIE ON A BICYCLE!!!” loud enough to make a person jump, and people jumped back, terrified, but they didn’t laugh. On the fifth try, he nailed the delivery—a sly smile, an early roar so it could be appreciated, a big gale of laughter from the passeds-by.
That’s where the antics should have stopped. But when the ride got a little boring, and a tantalizing elderly couple materialized on the path, the jackass couldn’t help himself—he would pass them from behind, and as he entered their peripheral vision, his hands thrust forward, he would shout “Zombie on a bicycle!” The jackass readied his hands. He got closer. He hadn’t noticed that at this point in the trail, the asphalt path was rippled, veined with tree roots. He didn’t notice this until too late—suddenly, his front wheel, redirected by one of said bumps in the asphalt, veered cataclysmically toward the elderly man’s backside. The bike was traveling at such a speed, and carrying a rider of such a weight, that the man would surely be knocked forward on impact and likely shatter and/or die.
Then something happened—or descended, rather, some kind of divine forcefield. Although there was no physical reason the bike and the elderly man’s backside should not collide, the bike and the elderly man’s backside did not collide. The jackass didn’t utter “Zombie on a bicycle!” as he passed, and he did not hit the man, and minutes later, riding in a stunned silence, the jackass and his friends were still remarking on it. “I can’t believe you didn’t hit him,” one of the friends kept saying, as University Village came into view. “I can’t believe you didn’t hit him.”
Comments
I hope you learned your lesson about being a douchebag to the elderly.
I don't really get this story. Seems pretty pointless to pretend that - ZOMBIE ON A COMMENTS BOARD!
LOL - you should see your face, dude!
Zombies shouldn't ride bicycles. FULL STOP.
God Christopher you really are a prick!
Serves you fucking right, prick.
I can't believe someone hasn't punched that jackass in the nose. Hard.
Somebody should have shoved a branch through his front wheel spokes.
Disappointing ending.
I was anticipating the unexpected metal pole / vehicle barrier jumping into the middle of the path, taking out the zombie in a cloud of decaying flesh and rust, and saving the day for the good citizens of Seattle.
I'm sorry that the denouement didn't involve the broken end of a frame tube jamming into the cyclist's windpipe, killing him instantly.
I used to do Zombie Bicycle on my Huffy 3-speed in my LA Rams jersey while drinking an RC Cola with Pop Rocks.
Shouldn't he have been shouting "asshole on a bicycle" instead?
there should have 'critical walks' were we walk in the bike lanes and basically get in the way of bikers.
A friend of mine broke her collarbone thanks to tree roots on the Burke Gilman. Anyone who bikes that trail without all due caution is an ass.
I don't understand why you were yelling "ZOMBIE ON A BICYCLE" in the first place. Was it supposed to be funny? If so, how? Is it from a movie or something?
What are you worried about? According to this:
http://slog.thestranger.com/2008/08/what_he_said_48
the worst you could have done is "annoy" him.
Zombies never announce their presence by yelling "Zombie on a _____!" or anything else for that matter; they just make that horrible moaning sound.
If you can't do it right, you shouldn't be doing it at all...
@12! @12! I've said this numerous times. :D
I've been pushed, yelled at, ran into and ran over by bikes. I've also had to run to save my ass numerous times. Not to say all bikers are jerks, but some are.
It's settled, then. Bicyclists are fucktards.
I mean, we've had as many or more fucktard bicyclist stories recently as we have had violent baby-chewing pit bull stories.
So, then, irrefutable proof that both bicyclists and pit bulls should be put down.
+1 to Critical Walk! Please!
if indeed you are the protagonist of this tale, you not only have an enormous whozeewhatsit, you ARE an enormous whozeewhatsit. unless, of course, you made it all up. sometimes mendacity runs rampant at the stranger.
Another vote for Critical Walk, yes!
And I'm with Fnarf: this story should have ended with "Entitled Shithead On The Ground, Bleeding".
#14 - Agreed. Totally un-zombie like behavior.
If you want to play "Zombie on a Bicycle", you'd be hunched over the handlebars, arms at your side, groaning and shuffling your feet for speed. Try that down Denny sometime.
I think what you were actually playing is "Blue Angels".
...lols at 22's obvious bait, but it's still funny...
When you said "arms raised parallel to the ground", I pictured them perpendicular to your direction of travel, pretending you were an airplane.
Needless to say, I was confused by the zombie thing.
I don't get it. A little help...?
Add another to the critical walk 'bike trail corking' project. Is it possible that we can let casual cyclists through though? I just want to cork the spandexers and the 'hip fad cyclists.'
puh-leeze, that shit happens all the time.
I've started keeping track of the number of times a week I'm nearly ran over by a dumbshit on a bike.
(Oh, and to be fair, I also keep track of the number of motorists who've almost killed me, as well.)
I don't get it either, elenchos, something out of the 90's I guess?
Grew up in the desert, not a lot of fast bicycling happens on the dirt hills covered with Cholla's! What's a cholla?
Quite frankly, pedestrians don't belong on these bike trails any more than a bike belongs on I-5.
As far as the "Zombie" idiot, it would have been better if there were no walkers there, and the streets took their revenge on he and his cohorts alone...
Tell me next time you go riding and want to be a fuckface, I'll make sure I have my hunting knife with me and I'll knife you right in the face.
@29: Seriously? Pedestrians don't belong on Burke-Gilman? So you silly Tour de France wannabes dressed in your ridiculous outfits can whiz along screaming "On your left!!!"?
@29: Know what belongs on the Burke-Gilman?
PASSENGER RAIL. It's a darned shame that former right-of-way will never be used for mass transit again.
#29: Sure, I'll be heading down to the Century Building on 500 Gowe Street near Kent City Hall, just around the corner from the Kent Police...you know, those guys who gunned down a drug dealer in a white Chevy Blazer on Friday mid-afternoon on Canyon Drive. Please, be there early...
@29: somebody (an arrogant prick) was amusing himself and his arrogant prick bike-riding friends, when a possibly hospital-visit-inducing accident involving an arrogant prick and an old man was averted by the grace of god. Had the accident not been averted and said arrogant prick or his bike had collided with the elderly, and probably fragile man, it sure as fuck wouldn't have been reported on Slog because it might give dudes on bikes a bad name.
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@29
"Quite frankly, pedestrians don't belong on these bike trails any more than a bike belongs on I-5."
Are you serious or are you just trying to be an asswipe? If the former, that's the single-most illustrative post on biker solipsism on Slog to date.
To all:
I am being serious. This comes from my experiences on Burke Gillman, the Interurban and on the Soos Creek Trail.
Let me describe my style: I'm old, 47. I ride a "hybrid" bike, narrow tired mountain bike style. I can go fast, but often don't just to exercise and enjoy the ride.
What I find on these trails are people walking willy nilly, sometimes with kids walking daisy chained.
What scares me are the spandex clad Speed Racers going 20 or 30 miles per hour. It's ok to be on a bike because they will recognize (but not slow down) to pass.
However, I dread the day, when some group of toddlers walking in the left hand side of the road gets mashed by these wheeling hornets.
That is why I say make it bike only -- or make it real clear what the rules for bikes and peds are...
Alls I have to say is that I ride my bike quite a bit, walk/ride the bus quite a bit, drive sometimes, and would observe that
1. some cyclists are idiots
( 2. most pedestrians are blameless )
3. some drivers are idiots
The difference, I suppose, being the consequences of the idiocy. The implication, I suppose, is that one's means of transportation may not be a useful taxonomy.
@29, *ahem*
http://www.seattle.gov/PARKS/BurkeGilman/bgtrail.htm
Yes, they belong de jure.
But I argue they don't belong de facto.
#38. I disagree with #2.
I find area pedestrians...well, kind of dense. There are many that just sort of waddle along in the middle of the sidewalk or path, even if it's really wide, just kind of center themselves and enter a kind of walking daydream state (hey, maybe that zombie guy was on to something).
I have tried numerous alerting devices. Bells don't work at all except for young children. I think adult ears lose their high frequency capability especially early on and from behind. "On your left" makes a lot of people jump or else go into a calculation mode (let's see, he's behind me, and so my left is his...um...) and sometimes they get it wrong and jump in front of the bike. I now user a Zounds air horn with a compressed air bottle I can refill with my tire pump. It's exceedingly loud and definitely clears the runways. It also stops motorists dead in their tracks. I recommend one to any and all.
Burke-Gillman, Interurban and Iron Horse should all be returned to their original purpose: Rail transportation for good and commodities, ran by private railroads.
The walkers can use the city sidewalks, where available, and the cyclists can go to hell.
This evening on The Stranger's Slog board, some asshole read a whole long-winded post, and in the end didn't really know why he had bothered.
Seriously, though, you were being a huge fucking douchebag. Shouting at random strangers out peacefully, contemplatively enjoying their walks so you can draw attention to yourself like a total whore is just asshattery.
And the whole "Zombie on a bicycle" thing is just retarded to boot.
@41: Stop biking on the sidewalks, you fucker. That's what the streets are for. Or so your fellow cyclists claim.
so... what is the point of this story? to just stir the bicycle-hate pot some more? good jorb!
Reading half of these comments, I am confused. Did I miss the part where Frizzelle cops to being either the zombie or one of his "friends?" It's a strange assumption y'all have made.
Bailo, I think if anything, bikes are the single vehicle that doesn't belong on a multi-use path. Maybe that's because I ride to get places (as that's what biking should be for, transportation, not 'recreation' along a route that doesn't go anywhere you need to be.) I find them no more safe or convenient for biking than roadways, and I tire of avoiding drunks, rollerbladers, and leashed puppies.
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