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Monday, July 28, 2008

I Believe the Children Are Our…Um…Yeah…

posted by on July 28 at 13:11 PM

You might not know it. Oh, no. You might not even believe it. But do you know what I am? Among oh-so many other delightful things? Do you? Well. I’m the fucking champion of America’s children. That’s what I am.

Believe it.

Case in point: I was lingering somewhere asinine–a small town far, far away–and I was browsing the trinkets and trash of said small town’s wee little thrift shop. Every small town has one–or should. I was picking my way through the usual dusty carnage of stained furniture and chipped nicknacks (most from the early Dead Grandmother Period) when I stumbled upon a horror to rival all horrors: an abomination so hair-raising, so completely nauseating, it could only be rivaled by something like Hitler Youth, The Musical!, or…well, let’s be frank. It is a horror that cannot be rivaled. By anything. And it was this…


No, your eyes do not deceive you. Bill O’Reilly. The O’Reilly Factor. For, um, Kids. KIDS! As in CHILDREN! Holy Jesus!

I know. Somebody please hold my hair back. Thinking about it still makes me puke.

But never you fear! The moment I laid eyes on this vile and wretched propaganda (from the vilest and wretchedest propagandizer that ever prapagandized) I knew precisely what I had to do. My mission was clear. Obvious. So I purchased the damn soul-twisting poison ($1.99 for an eight cassette set!!!), brought it home, and smashed every tape to unidentifiable bits with a great big hammer and a heart full of savage joy.

World’s children, you’re safe. And you’re fucking welcome.

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I saw this book a while ago in the Barnes and Noble at Pacific Place. It made me want to cry.

Posted by UChicago | July 28, 2008 1:25 PM

You hadn't heard of this book before? Really? It was published 3 or 4 years ago.

Also, your quasi-hipster dissing of small towns is just lame.

Posted by LDP | July 28, 2008 1:28 PM

Your name is practically an anagram for Ayn Rand, figured you'd be a big supporter of Bill. So much for anagram political theory.

Posted by Michael O'Neill | July 28, 2008 1:29 PM

They aren't, really. My kid was caught replaying "Conservative Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue!" at

Posted by i love my hourlong commute | July 28, 2008 1:32 PM

@ 4, indeed! i've always wanted a column called A.RYAN NATION.

Posted by adrian | July 28, 2008 1:35 PM

Anywhere on the tapes, can Bill O'Reilly be hear shouting "We'll do it LIVE! Fucking thing SUCKS!"

Because I'd get that for my boy.

Posted by Joe M | July 28, 2008 1:40 PM

Thank you Adrian for doing that. I would have done the same.

Posted by Shawnzor | July 28, 2008 1:43 PM

Adrian! you are a hero and patriot.

Posted by Original Monique | July 28, 2008 2:26 PM

No kid wants to read a book with a creepy dudes face on the cover. O'rielly has to be somewhat in on the joke - If he'd wanted to subvert our children, it'd be a hell of a lot easier to just write a fictional kids book. Then again, there's his ego..

Posted by Dougsf | July 28, 2008 3:30 PM

You've protected some children, but you're too late to save the children at the Universalist church in TN...

Hey! Books on tapes for KIDS? What, are they busy? Busy commuters? Good gawd, it's just another step towards illiteracy. Which is just fine with the FOX news types -- they want people who can be manipulated with the poke of a stick to the reptile brain core.

Unless it's for blind conservative children, of course. That would account for his face on the cover, too. Only the parents would see it.

Posted by CP | July 28, 2008 10:54 PM

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