??!! I Believe the Children Are Our…Um…Yeah…
posted by July 28 at 13:11 PMon
You might not know it. Oh, no. You might not even believe it. But do you know what I am? Among oh-so many other delightful things? Do you? Well. I’m the fucking champion of America’s children. That’s what I am.
Case in point: I was lingering somewhere asinine–a small town far, far away–and I was browsing the trinkets and trash of said small town’s wee little thrift shop. Every small town has one–or should. I was picking my way through the usual dusty carnage of stained furniture and chipped nicknacks (most from the early Dead Grandmother Period) when I stumbled upon a horror to rival all horrors: an abomination so hair-raising, so completely nauseating, it could only be rivaled by something like Hitler Youth, The Musical!, or…well, let’s be frank. It is a horror that cannot be rivaled. By anything. And it was this…
No, your eyes do not deceive you. Bill O’Reilly. The O’Reilly Factor. For, um, Kids. KIDS! As in CHILDREN! Holy Jesus!
I know. Somebody please hold my hair back. Thinking about it still makes me puke.
But never you fear! The moment I laid eyes on this vile and wretched propaganda (from the vilest and wretchedest propagandizer that ever prapagandized) I knew precisely what I had to do. My mission was clear. Obvious. So I purchased the damn soul-twisting poison ($1.99 for an eight cassette set!!!), brought it home, and smashed every tape to unidentifiable bits with a great big hammer and a heart full of savage joy.
World’s children, you’re safe. And you’re fucking welcome.