Hetero Rape-ity Balls Are So 0000
posted by May 19 at 13:39 PMon
I feel cheated.
I grew up Nazarene (ternt Babdist [Xtians LOVE an-/pro- nunciation!]) in North Central Texas—Texoma, if you will (I had to). Never ONCE did I get a ball or balls from my daddy or anyone else’s daddy. Are you there, God? It’s My Sense of Entitlement. In fact no dude I knew ever had any purity ball. No one ever takes groups of boys aside, making them vow to hold their load for marriage (or consent???). And that pisses me off.
Let me tell you what does happen. There are extra-curricular Sunday school classes and fellowships/pancake breakfasts for men young and old where they teach you how to own the fuck out of your household, own your women (sorry…Honor them!), and own all the riches you deserve because you prayed for them.
Now all of this (minus the pancakes) was totally useless to me because I was/am a homosexual, but you’d think someone would organize balls for us boys who “struggled” with our sexuality. Make us dress up in tails and patent leather slip-ons. Make us vow not to have our first sexual experience at a glory hole in a porn arcade (that experience was a total surprise; I never even knew about glory holes before!). Nope. Instead there were secret (even to the church body) bible studies for combatting, well… the innate (but sinful) desire to have dicks in our faces.
GIVE BOYS THEIR BALLS.
Until then, I’ll have to settle for this (And true story—I once kissed the fellow you see on the far right at 2:25; take that, GOD!):
EDIT: Oooooh, MARY. I totally forgot I had this photo. Here’s one of those MENZ FUNCTIONS at my old mini-mega-church, First Baptist Church of Wichita Falls. In this image you see a laying-on-of-hands for the former pastor—who once started a campaign to get Heather Has Two Mommies and Daddy’s Roommate banned from the public library and who, in a lot of people’s opinion, is a BIG OLE QUEEN. The name of this event, mind you, is STEAK AND PRAISE.