Slog News & Arts

Line Out

Music & Nightlife

« Reading Today | The Dream Ticket »

Monday, May 19, 2008

Rape-ity Balls Are So 0000

posted by on May 19 at 13:39 PM

I feel cheated.

I grew up Nazarene (ternt Babdist [Xtians LOVE an-/pro- nunciation!]) in North Central Texas—Texoma, if you will (I had to). Never ONCE did I get a ball or balls from my daddy or anyone else’s daddy. Are you there, God? It’s My Sense of Entitlement. In fact no dude I knew ever had any purity ball. No one ever takes groups of boys aside, making them vow to hold their load for marriage (or consent???). And that pisses me off.

Let me tell you what does happen. There are extra-curricular Sunday school classes and fellowships/pancake breakfasts for men young and old where they teach you how to own the fuck out of your household, own your women (sorry…Honor them!), and own all the riches you deserve because you prayed for them.

Now all of this (minus the pancakes) was totally useless to me because I was/am a homosexual, but you’d think someone would organize balls for us boys who “struggled” with our sexuality. Make us dress up in tails and patent leather slip-ons. Make us vow not to have our first sexual experience at a glory hole in a porn arcade (that experience was a total surprise; I never even knew about glory holes before!). Nope. Instead there were secret (even to the church body) bible studies for combatting, well… the innate (but sinful) desire to have dicks in our faces.


Until then, I’ll have to settle for this (And true story—I once kissed the fellow you see on the far right at 2:25; take that, GOD!):

EDIT: Oooooh, MARY. I totally forgot I had this photo. Here’s one of those MENZ FUNCTIONS at my old mini-mega-church, First Baptist Church of Wichita Falls. In this image you see a laying-on-of-hands for the former pastor—who once started a campaign to get Heather Has Two Mommies and Daddy’s Roommate banned from the public library and who, in a lot of people’s opinion, is a BIG OLE QUEEN. The name of this event, mind you, is STEAK AND PRAISE.


RSS icon Comments


Thanks for this completely incoherent post. Are you drunk on cock?

Posted by Ziggity | May 19, 2008 1:49 PM

Uh, close your bold tag. You've bolded the whole Slog.

Posted by Fnarf | May 19, 2008 1:57 PM

What a difference a state makes. My dad goes to "men's breakfasts" at their church in Maine. Last summer the menfolk all started complaining because there was a new pastor who made them pray and talk about the Bible and stuff during the pancakes.

They just wanted to talk about cars, the E Coli level in the lakes, their grandkids, etc., etc. But then someone had to bring up all that God stuff and ruin it...

In between my laughter, I suggested that they should go out to breakfast at the local diner instead.

Posted by Julie | May 19, 2008 2:02 PM

Are you the new Adrian Ryan or what. That sucked, learn to make sense kthx.

Posted by Non | May 19, 2008 2:07 PM

Wichita Falls, Texas? I have family from there. So many summers when I was little involved Wichita Falls. Tarantulas, ticks, tornados, wax melting off my dead uncle's face at his open casket funeral. Ah, definitely good times in Wichita Falls.

Posted by PopTart | May 19, 2008 2:17 PM

I'm the new Rip Taylor. It's hard to make sense when your mind is ravaged by confetti and cancer wigs.

Posted by Nick | May 19, 2008 2:20 PM


Death and Texas go so well together! My uncle was crushed by a cascade of giant telephone poles unloosed from their pile atop an 18 wheeler trailer bed.

And I am DYING to know who your family is! Small-Town Intrigue!

Posted by Nick | May 19, 2008 2:24 PM

You know what would make this post better? In the middle, put SCROTUM! in bold and all caps.

Posted by Greg | May 19, 2008 2:40 PM

Why are all these born again Christians so damn fat? Haven't they heard of dieting or the gym?

Posted by Cato the Younger Younger | May 19, 2008 2:42 PM

"Hold Your Load Balls" -fer tha fellas. Good thinkin.

Posted by Ginger Balls | May 19, 2008 2:47 PM

nick nick nick! don't move to nyc! stay here and we'll dish about Seattle Opera and SJ!!!

Posted by scary tyler moore | May 19, 2008 3:21 PM

What does it say about me that I totally understood this post?

Also, does that pic remind any one of a hot bukakke scene?

Posted by Mike in MO | May 19, 2008 6:48 PM

non? dearling? have you just considered the fact that YOU'RE JUST TOO FUCKING SLOW TO KEEP UP? no? well. that's not so very surprising.

Posted by adrian | May 19, 2008 9:18 PM

Wow. This should be a regular feature on Slog.

Posted by Bob | May 19, 2008 9:50 PM

Love it.

Horrors. From Texas, too.

Posted by Miss Poppy | May 20, 2008 8:36 AM

HA! I SO relate to your post. OMG! Like I was your long lost gay twin cousin or some damn thing. I grew up Nazarene in Wichita Falls. The only balls I ever remember getting had absolutely nothing to do with purity. And yeah, what a total surprise to find out about the glory hole thing. Jeebus...

Thanks for giving me a great laugh this morning!


Posted by JB in Silver Lake | May 20, 2008 10:10 AM

Good post, Nick. We had Promise Keepers where I was growing up, or, as my feminist theology professor liked to call them...the kindler, gentler patriarchy.

Posted by Zach | May 20, 2008 10:25 AM

Comments Closed

In order to combat spam, we are no longer accepting comments on this post (or any post more than 14 days old).