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Thursday, January 24, 2008

A Wife for Life

posted by on January 24 at 10:39 AM

No analysis from me. If it is true, it is what it is.

The Conjugal Harmony Difference Imagine having a wife who is always glad to see you, never cheats or stays out all night, and who rocks your ever-loving world twice a month with a pent-up vengeance you haven’t felt since college. Now imagine she never takes your credit cards, doesn’t spend all day talking to her mother, and never knows if you’re out with friends or sleeping around. Now stop imagining and open your eyes to the world of Conjugal Harmony. For almost a decade we’ve connected honest, background cleared, non-prisoners with exciting, passionate, loyal mates on the inside, and with rates so low you might think you’re the crook!

The profiles are amazing…



RSS icon Comments


Wow. Just... yeah. You're right. There is nothing that can be said about this.

Posted by Greg | January 24, 2008 10:47 AM

Um, I had that when I was in my 20s, but it was twice a day not twice a month.

For five years. But she wasn't 19, she was my age now.

Posted by Will in Seattle | January 24, 2008 10:48 AM

Will love you "for life"? That's not terribly comforting coming from someone whose lovers turn up dead.

Posted by Jessica | January 24, 2008 10:48 AM

Website tagline: "The nagging stops when the bars slam shut!"


Posted by David Schmader | January 24, 2008 10:50 AM

Best. Mudede. Post. Ever.

Possibly the best SLOG post ever.

"...then a guy I dated turned up dead plus his wife."


Posted by Big Sven | January 24, 2008 10:53 AM


Posted by NaFun | January 24, 2008 10:54 AM

It feels kind of wrong, but I got a little horny while I was reading this. Is there such a thing as a convict fetish?

Posted by Hernandez | January 24, 2008 10:55 AM

when offered without comment chaz makes good posts. keep it up chaz.

Posted by Bellevue Ave | January 24, 2008 10:59 AM

DAMN. Mrs. Fnarf, watch out. I'm goin' ta MISSISSIPPI! I will! I WILL take a walk on the pink side! With a lovely lass who tears up flowers.

Posted by Fnarf | January 24, 2008 11:02 AM

@9: I saw her first.

Posted by Greg | January 24, 2008 11:07 AM


Posted by Mr. Poe | January 24, 2008 11:07 AM

Remember the Seinfeld where George does the congugal visit thing with this one woman ... the sex is incredible ... and she ends up escaping and hiding out at George's where the sex is still incredible. However Elaine's balding boyfriend ends up with the charge for aiding and abetting a wanted criminal.

Posted by OR Matt | January 24, 2008 11:07 AM

Funny...especially when you click to register!

Posted by Rotten666 | January 24, 2008 11:08 AM

I like the one who's in for "premedicated murder." I think this might be among the sleaziest operations I've ever seen.

Posted by ahava | January 24, 2008 11:09 AM

this has to be a joke:

Convictions: two counts premedicated murder on my sister kids I used to wash.

Favorite hobbies in prison: I'm active in the "political system" in here and tho I'm young I'm moving up the ranks of the strongest gang in here.

Why I deserve another chance: I deserve a husband because I deserve kids and we're allowed to have them if it's with a husband. I'm good with kids usually except that one time and I could be the best locked up mommy in the world.

Posted by RT | January 24, 2008 11:10 AM

I thought it was a humor piece until I followed the links to their sponsors.

Posted by umvue | January 24, 2008 11:11 AM
Posted by Andrew Taylor | January 24, 2008 11:14 AM

"Murder but it wasn't like that I got setup by my pimp and his frienz."

Posted by NaFun | January 24, 2008 11:16 AM

"no-holes barred". Jesus.

Posted by Irena | January 24, 2008 11:18 AM

I live for your commentary and analysis, Charles--but you're right in this case. What more could you say?

Fucking brilliant.

Posted by Boomer in NYC | January 24, 2008 11:19 AM

From their FAQ:

Due to problems we have had with various government organizations, we have shredder trucks come around about once every two weeks to take care of out-dated, unnecessary paperwork. The details of your transaction, from the price you paid, to our internal accounting, to the woman you married, will not just be kept confidential, they'll be outright destroyed.

...So now I'm thinking this is either a joke site or a very straightforward scam.

Posted by Big Sven | January 24, 2008 11:23 AM

I'm so going to try to date one of these girls. I mean, what could possibly go wrong?

Posted by Matt Fuckin' Hickey | January 24, 2008 11:30 AM

This is your downfall for not having a sense of humor, Charles. You don't recognize a joke when you see one. This is a pretty excellent one.

Posted by Ivan Cockrum | January 24, 2008 11:32 AM

I think I'm going to stay away from "Chopper".

Posted by Fnarf | January 24, 2008 11:35 AM

Is anyone else thinking about how conjugal visits are just another thing that gay folks are denied because they can't marry.

If I did something stupid and got tossed in jail, I'd want the opportunity for consensual sex.

just saying.

Posted by Erin | January 24, 2008 11:38 AM

I really wanted this to be real. Unfortunately, it isn't.

Posted by Aislinn | January 24, 2008 11:41 AM

I like the first one's convictions list:

Contributing to the deliquency of a minor, kidnapping, taking a minor across state lines for the purpose of prostitution, and murder 1.

Talk about burying the lead.

Posted by Matthew | January 24, 2008 11:44 AM

@27 - Conjugal visits, in most cases, are only allowed for makin' babies.

Unmarried men and men who marry after getting locked up aren't allowed them, either.

Posted by six shooter | January 24, 2008 11:49 AM

28,i hear you. i wanted it to be real and beyond the reach of theory.

Posted by charles | January 24, 2008 11:50 AM

Pro family.
Pro-free markets.
No gay folks invited in.
The right wing will love this!
And libertarians. It's long term pimpin'!

PS: before you ACT NOW, check out the communnity property laws and your prenup. That's the real scam. They get out then get a divorce, then get half from the time of marrying, then kick back to the promoters. Duh.

Posted by unPC | January 24, 2008 11:55 AM

My favorite was the one who, at 26, was "past her baby years", so there's no need to use a condom.

Posted by Julie | January 24, 2008 11:56 AM

Jail ladies are hot. They need sex too, plus there's an intensity to it that's hard to describe.

But I could do without the drama.

Posted by Will in Seattle | January 24, 2008 12:00 PM

it's obviously a joke. but it is pretty funny. it works well because jail ladies can be hot.

my favorites were the one in for ID theft and fraud offering to help with finances. priceless!

but the 25 year-old in for three rapes says she hasn't had sex for 15 years? that's not so funny.

Posted by infrequent | January 24, 2008 12:20 PM

The FAQ is a great read. Especially the part about the number of prison wives you can have.

Posted by lilblackcat | January 24, 2008 12:22 PM

"Rape, assault with a deadly weapon and rape again."

Yup, thats just the kind of person I want to be locked up in the conjugal trailer with.

Posted by Giffy | January 24, 2008 12:29 PM

From the FAQ:

What about diseases?

All six states that allow conjugal visits require the inmate to test clean for all sexually transmitted diseases before allowing an intimate meeting. That means you can perform your coital acts without the need for sticky, awkward or embarrassingly loose fitting condoms without any risk of contracting a sexually transmitted disease. And if you don't come back for six months, you can rest assured that she hasn't been with any other man during that time, so no matter how dirty she may get, she'll always be clean as a whistle where it counts.

Posted by Giffy | January 24, 2008 12:32 PM

Prisoners of Love, blue Skies above, back on the Greaaaat White Waaaaaaaayyyyy.....

Posted by Max Bialystock | January 24, 2008 12:36 PM

Did anyone else notice the web ads at the bottom of the homepage?

" Human Mulch
Now death is the "green" thing
to do. click here for more!"


"Heath Ledger Autopsy Pics
Brokeback mountain star
as you've never seen him!"


"Vagina Perfume for Women
The scent of feminism. From
Rosie O'Donnell"


"Scientology Loans
Affordable financing because
L Ron would have wanted it!"


Posted by louley | January 24, 2008 12:49 PM

Yeah, I really think this makes the top 10 slog posts of all time.

Posted by arduous | January 24, 2008 12:52 PM
Posted by Paul | January 24, 2008 12:53 PM

This may be a fake, but I'm sure I saw a real version of this several years ago. The women were hideous as you might expect.

Posted by it's the life in your wife that matters | January 24, 2008 1:10 PM

And from the same people (domain registered to Vexes Media)

Posted by btw | January 24, 2008 1:14 PM

bitches ain't shit!

Posted by gforce | January 24, 2008 1:16 PM

@42-No shit.

Posted by Maverick | January 24, 2008 1:23 PM

it's not fake they took my credit card info and i have an "e-date" this weekend

Posted by it's not fake | January 24, 2008 1:37 PM

I can't remember if this is the site I was thinking of, but if you are in the market for just a "pen" pal, try this:

There's a link to a Big Beautiful Woman site there, too.

Posted by it's the life in your wife that matters | January 24, 2008 2:56 PM
Rape, assault with a deadly weapon and rape again.

Someone's been watching Blazing Saddles:

Hedley Lamarr: Qualifications?

Applicant: Rape, murder, arson, and rape.

Hedley Lamarr: You said rape twice.

Applicant: I like rape.

Posted by Justin | January 24, 2008 3:12 PM

I think I'm in love with Lassie. She's young, cute, and, doesn't sound like she's terribly picky which is good because I don't like rejection. Anyhow, I always thought the icepick in the eye thing in Basic Instinct had kind of kinky quality to it. Nothing like the possibility of death to make your dick hard!

Posted by Johnny | January 24, 2008 3:27 PM
Rape, assault with a deadly weapon and rape again.

Someone's been watching Blazing Saddles:

Hedley Lamarr: Qualifications?

Applicant: Rape, murder, arson, and rape.

Hedley Lamarr: You said rape twice.

Applicant: I like rape.

Posted by Justin | January 24, 2008 3:29 PM

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