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Saturday, December 29, 2007

Modesty Is a Guard to Virtue

posted by on December 29 at 8:50 AM

My boyfriend’s one-eyed poodle was in our bed last night. And he just couldn’t stop licking himself—the poodle, not the boyfriend—and making these awful smacking sounds all night long, sounds that drove me out of my own bedroom at three in the morning. So I’d happily contribute to this woman’s legal defense fund:

A 25-year-old woman was arrested for investigation of second-degree assault for getting into an argument with her boyfriend over whether his dog should be in the bathroom while the couple were taking a shower together.

A police report said the 26-year-old man wanted his dog to join them in the bathroom, but the woman objected on Thursday night.

She told him if the dog wouldn’t stay out, she didn’t want to be his girlfriend anymore. He replied that maybe his next girlfriend would appreciate the dog more, and called her a name.

The couple—nude, in the bathroom, and unshowered—commenced to “grappling,” the woman then punched the man in the face repeatedly, and finally threw a framed picture at him, which broke and cut him. The woman’s in jail now, her boyfriend is back on the market, and the dog, unfortunately, is unharmed and remains at large.

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I predict you'll be getting a letter to Savage Love shortly from a guy with a dog fetish and a girlfriend who isn't GGG.

Posted by Y.F. | December 29, 2007 9:11 AM

"My boyfriend's one-eyed poodle was in our bed last night..."

Is that what the kids are calling it these days?

Posted by Uncle Vinny | December 29, 2007 9:11 AM

License bikes not dogs

Posted by whatever | December 29, 2007 9:13 AM

A one eyed poodle? Did you name him Cyclops?

Posted by RainMan | December 29, 2007 9:24 AM

I'd be willing to bet that a jar of peanut butter was involved somehow...

after all, just like the prize in a box of Cracka Jack, there's always peanut butter somwhere inside these kinds of dog jokes.

Posted by Packratt | December 29, 2007 9:37 AM

No, no, Packratt -- Nutella.

Posted by Fnarf | December 29, 2007 9:39 AM

Are you familiar with the work of William Makepeace Thackeray, specifically "Sultan Stork?"

In it is the following passage:

"Munsoor had nothing for it but to wish himself a dog; he turned to the east, nodded his head thrice, swallowed the powder, and lo! there he was -- a poodle -- an old fat lame one-eyed poodle; whose appearance made his master laugh inordinately, though Munsoor himself, remembering the prohibition and penalty, was far too wise to indulge in any such cachinnation."

Big words (cachinnation!), swallowed powders, one-eyed poodle -- it's all very "Stranger," n'est pas?

Posted by Jubilation T. Cornball | December 29, 2007 9:39 AM

craziness. my dog sleeps in the bed, unless someone else is there instead. then she's on the couch.

Posted by konstantConsumer | December 29, 2007 9:51 AM

The Colonel and I sleep with three dachshunds, a Pomerainian and occassionally a very grumpy tomcat.

Posted by catalina vel-duray | December 29, 2007 9:57 AM

"He replied that maybe his next girlfriend would appreciate the dog more, and called her a name."

Maybe he called her a bitch

Posted by Peter | December 29, 2007 10:36 AM

You usually refer to it as your kid's dog.

Do you have TWO?

Posted by Peter | December 29, 2007 10:37 AM

I thought the dog was the son's?

Our cat does the same thing. After midnight is prime genital-licking time, preferably on my side of the bed so the husband can't reach her. The only thing that makes it better is after 20 minutes of cleaning, she hops off to vomit on the floor. It's the best alarm in the world, but invariably makes me wake up homicidal.

Posted by Jessica | December 29, 2007 10:41 AM

That wasn't me, Peter, it was a different Peter. Not sure why I feel I need to point that out...

Posted by Peter | December 29, 2007 10:51 AM

I am totally on her side her.

Posted by Jim | December 29, 2007 11:46 AM

So domestic violence is hilarious if the victim is a man? Got it. Duly noted.

Posted by flamingbanjo | December 29, 2007 12:44 PM

I had a one eyed Poodle - Reggie. He slept in the bed as do all my dogs. I think it's funny when a guy can't have sex if there's a dog in the room...not even on the bed.. just in the room, like the dog is going to judge him or something..

Posted by M | December 29, 2007 12:54 PM

@15 Good point. If the woman had been the victim, well then, fry him and string him up, right? I mean seriously.

Posted by Marty | December 29, 2007 12:57 PM

You know, I think it would be severely creepy to be famous. "Wait, isn't it your kid's dog?" Why, yes, perfect stranger, it is! THAT WASN'T THE POINT. >:-\

Posted by violet_dagrinder | December 29, 2007 1:07 PM

Dan's famous?? Whoa, hold on a minute, I missed something here.

Posted by Fifty-Two-Eighty | December 29, 2007 1:15 PM

Sweet! You adopted a one eyed poodle which proves you really are a softy.
You can't deny it because you let the dog have your bed and you went to the couch so do not even try.

I'm not near as nice as you. That dog would have been thrown out of my roon without a doubt.
I'm nice when I'm awake but when I'm half asleep I can be a monster.

Posted by mj | December 29, 2007 1:15 PM

Hey Peter @ 13

Come up with a more unique name if you care so much about your brand.

Posted by Pete | December 29, 2007 1:19 PM

15 and 17.
They were both victims and perps in their violence.
The one who draws blood is usually the judged the perp, and the one crying from said blood letting is the vic.
Always happens when the cops show up. they arrest the one who seems the most agressive, and the one who's beat up looking is left to jump around and go
'yeah she hates dogs and attacked me in the bathroom. she's crazy arrest her.'
No matter what in this situation it seems self defense is out of the question. And she threw her rights as soon as she threw that item at him.

Posted by typical judgement | December 29, 2007 1:35 PM

Actually, dogs do NOT lick themselves for long periods of time unless there's something wrong. (Cats can really get into it just for fun, but dogs seldom do.)

Make sure flea treatment is current. *Capstar* is a wonderful product. It kills anything living on your dog within 30 minutes. And Benedryl can ease itching - plus make doggie sleepy. Dosage is 4 25 mg tabs for a 60 pound dog.

Sorry you had to leave your bedroom - but take care of the doggie!

Posted by Ayden | December 29, 2007 2:07 PM

my poodle licked incessantly. my boyfriend called it "eating his spaghetti".....

Posted by M | December 29, 2007 2:12 PM

Bros before hos!

Posted by Sam | December 29, 2007 2:58 PM

Ayden, are you sure about 4, 25 mg of benedrly for a 60 lb dog? That seems like it might do more than knock your dog out?

Posted by mj | December 29, 2007 4:17 PM

@21, you can have the name. I thought it was fairly uncommon these days and it is my actual name, but the Hell with it; Enjoy! Not like my posts add anything to the conversation. Last post!

Posted by Peter | December 29, 2007 4:43 PM

Get me out of here. Please!

Posted by TerrysOneEyedPoodle | December 29, 2007 6:12 PM

That poodle needs its glands squeezed. That's why it's licking.

Posted by Catman | December 29, 2007 7:56 PM

My pup keeps crying when I'm in the shower. He hates to be by himself. I finally let him in the bathroom just so I could shower in peace.

The gf sounds like an uptight bitch.

Posted by separation anxiety | December 31, 2007 12:56 PM

So he's got a naked woman in his bathroom ready to shower with him, and he chooses the dog over her? "Maybe the next gf would appreciate the dog"? WTF? Does the dog give massages? Dan's advice to her is right on: DTMFA. C'mon people!

I mean, I love my dog. My mom said that if reincarnation was true, she'd want to come back as my dog, just to be so spoiled. But your partner should take precedence.

Obviously it doesn't negate her guilt in getting physical. What her naked ass should have done was get dressed and walk out the door. But who knows? Maybe the dog gives great head, so he doesn't mind losing her.

Posted by JunieGirl | December 31, 2007 4:02 PM

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