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Thursday, December 13, 2007

Evel’s Funeral Frenzy: A Post Mortem Addendum, Plus! Matthew McConaughey is a Big Douche!

posted by on December 13 at 12:54 PM

Matthew McConaughey, televangelist Robert H. Schuller, old people, fireworks, 3,000 mourning mourners and “children’s letters to Evel” sent heavenward tied to balloons (for a fee)…DAMMIT! Aren’t you so depressed that you didn’t get to attend Evel Knievel’s funeral? Couldn’t you just blow your brains out, if only those douchebag liberals would allow you easier access to a nice handgun? Me too! But fret no more: Random YouTube searches and clever cullings culled from something called The Montana Standard have come to our collective rescue!

And it begins with a touch of atmosphere:

Light snow fell as mourners began lining up before 7 a.m. waiting for the Civic Center to open. During the nearly three-hour viewing, a steady flow of mourners passed the open casket, which was surrounded by red poinsettias and American flags. Ushers clad in white suits seated people as strains of Frank Sinatra’s “My Way” could be heard throughout the Civic Center.

Yes, he actually lay there, really quite dead and rather Irishly open-casketed, as 3,000 weeping Butte-icians or whatever crept by and gaped at him, a la Eva Peron. (Evel-ita! Evel-ita!)

Then we get a little of the MSNBC perspective (beware hidden propaganda!):

Next, we dive head first into frantic celebrity sightings of Matthew McConaughey, who eats his burgers pickely and hot, thanks, dude:

Bill DePell, a server and bartender at the sports bar, told The Montana Standard (that) the actor ordered a Grand Slam, a large hamburger, and added jalapeños and extra pickles. “He said we should make a burger named after him that’s like the one he had.” But McConaughey made his own Atkins diet-friendly modifications to the sandwich…He took off the top bun and pulled all the bread out of (it),” and then returned the hollowed-out slice to the burger. He kept saying ‘No worries’ a lot….he called me dude a couple of times.”

Dude, indeed. And now we finally come to the shakey bootleg of Matthew’s speech (keep your shirt on!) which was very…er…uh…yeah. And please to note: He’s speaking from the same stage from which I got my high school diploma:

He’s forever in flah-yat nah-yuh…he dudn’t have to come back daay-yown, he dudn’t have to lay-und”, indeed. Matthew McConaughey is, of course, an enormous dork. And sounds an awful lot like Carol Channing, come to think of it.

And then of course, nothing in Butte—and especially no funeral—could ever possibly be complete without exploding things and a ton of honking:

Larry King was rumored to have attended too, but I can’t find any proof. And I didn’t look very hard. But that is the last we’ll probably hear from Evel Knievel. For now. Over.

Touch the sky, you glorious bastard!

RSS icon Comments


This is the most schizo slog post I ever have read.

Posted by Matt Fuckin' Hickey | December 13, 2007 1:10 PM

oh god...THANK YOU!

Posted by adrian | December 13, 2007 1:13 PM

Hey, I like Matthew McConaughey's feisty attitude (and hot-rocket bod).

Can we get a cock shot?

Posted by Original Andrew | December 13, 2007 1:20 PM

Best post of the week.

Hidden propaganda!

Posted by Mr. Poe | December 13, 2007 1:22 PM

I fucking HATE Matthew McConaughey. He sucks! And why do the stupid celeb. magazines keep saying he's the "sexiest man alive"? To me, it looks like he smells bad, wears dirty underwear and probably belches and farts a lot.

Posted by M | December 13, 2007 1:34 PM

See, there's proof right there that McConaughey should just...not speak. Ever. For any reason.

Posted by Amie | December 13, 2007 1:42 PM

But is he a douche, or a dork?

Posted by NapoleonXIV | December 13, 2007 1:47 PM

this is not a question of dork OR douche, it is a question of dork AND douche. or as the french say, "dorquche". or as they would say, if that were word. was a word. whatever.

Posted by adrian | December 13, 2007 1:51 PM

Wasn't Matthew McConaughey the guy that the cops found naked in his house, playing bongos with a joint hanging out of his mouth?

Posted by Hernandez | December 13, 2007 1:52 PM

wow, you graduated from Butte?!? i'm really sorry. Everyone know BILLINGS WEST HIGH rules.

*sigh* and so it goes....


Posted by ddv | December 13, 2007 1:59 PM

yeah? i'll kick your ass.

Posted by adrian | December 13, 2007 2:02 PM

The THC-inspired naked bongo drumming suggests that he tips more towards dork, than douche.


Posted by NapoleonXIV | December 13, 2007 2:07 PM

Can we not turn slog into a Montana pridefest? That would be rad.

Posted by Matt Fuckin' Hickey | December 13, 2007 2:08 PM

i'll turn slog into whatever i want. ZAP! it's a POODLE!

Posted by adrian | December 13, 2007 2:14 PM

@NXIV - Actually, I always kind of admired him for that.

Posted by Hernandez | December 13, 2007 2:18 PM

Turn it into a dead guy so I can fuck it!

Posted by Mr. Poe | December 13, 2007 2:18 PM

Um, gee, thanks adrian.

Now, can you get your "poodle" to stop humping my leg?

Posted by NOT brand ecce | December 13, 2007 2:29 PM

whatever, butte is what it is and it doesn't have to apologize for it. and everyone knows a butte rat can do whatever he wants (i.e. even pretend to be a hater like in this post) or have fireworks blow-up on the eve before he's laid to rest.

Posted by queeniebird | December 13, 2007 3:55 PM

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