Here we go. Please forgive me.

Drew Carey, who is fat and rather hideous, had his stumpy little arms practically chewed off in the righteous maw of a dangerous man-eating Price is Right game of some sort (PLINKO? The little yodeling guy? We’ll never know for sure…) as he rehearsed replacing poor old Bob Barker. Experts agree that Mr. Carey totally deserved it, and considering the terrible fact that he was one of the only so-called “celebrities” to perform and/or appear at “president” Bush’s “inaugural” ball or whatever, he should get down on his porky little knees and praise the gods of karma that his face hasn’t been stricken with cancerous maggoty holes and/or he’s not vomiting hot beetles as we speak, as any celebrity and/or person who supported/supports Bush so clearly and truly deserves and should be. (See: Britney Spears.)

It has also been said (and by much wiser men than I) that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are adopting their six millionth Etheo-Tiwanee-Africo-Whatever orphan, in “secret”, at this very moment. “Look Angie! Our punch card! We get the next one for half price! Let’s pick something in a nice “coffee-n-crème”, like I wanted last time! Oooooh! Madonna’s gonna be so fucking PISSED!” Brad squealed like an excited little girl who has to pee real bad while he and Angie sat waiting in the drive thru to pick up the newest piece of their orphan collection. Angelina’s man-wo’ could not be reached for comment.

Or could he/she?

Paris Hilton has fled her two-gazillion dollar mansion because “Too many people know where I live”. Apparently random recognition bothers her. Experts agree that her next desperate move to avoid detection will be to the bottom of the sea, or into the body of Steve Martin.

A ragged old homosexual druggie calling itself George Michael has been seen gardening for the homeless in London. Said gardening was allegedly thrust upon him by the British courts or whatever as antidote to his recent drugging and aging and drugging and aging and aging and aging and driving and drugging and aging, and was not simply a natural manifestation of his huge, huge gayness. Why homeless people in England should have gardens is a question that’s truly beyond the scope of this work. Thank you.

Jessica Simpson is also at this moment secretly preparing to adopt a disenfranchised orphan of some sort. “Ohhh! I really want something in a nice “coffee-n’-crème,” she said. “Maybe something found in a DUMPSTER!” In response to this crisis of spoiled Hollywood types turning to orphans instead of small dogs as their accessories of choice, a spokespoodle for the IUPPC (the Internation Union of Poodles, Peekapoos and Chihuahuas) said, “Bark! Bark! Bark, bark, bark, bark!” and puddled on the carpet. Brad and Angie are gonna be so PISSED!

Lindsay Lohan is scrubbing toilets in rehab. This is, of course, totally redundant. These events throw into speculation the actual effectiveness of her latest rehabbing, as redundancy is, of course, a sure sign of drug use. Also, repetitiveness repetitiveness. And repetitiveness.

Lastly: “President” Bush ate another kitten’s head.

That is all.