Comments on Winning the War on Teenage Sex

The war on teenage sex. Huh.

You are funny first thing in the morning.

Dang.

No need for chemicals, just require all teenage boys to wear my high school wardrobe of ill-fitting t-shirts and khaki pants.

LOL! Spoken like a father with a son approaching puberty all too quickly.

even chemical castration wouldn't have deterred me from chasing pussy in the late 70s.

proud to be part of the irreducable percentage.

So is the report saying that the government and religion have been unable to beat out our species' most basic instinct that also happens to provide an incredible, physical release? Who'd have thunk it?

I agree. It's time to declare war on teenage sex. Enough with the talk and education; let's enact prohibition and jail offenders. We'll need to build more prisons, but that will provide good jobs for lots of people. It will be sad to put kids in jail for having sex, but they'll know the risks when they commit the crime, so we'll sleep well knowing they brought it on themselves.

And let's not leave punishment to the discretion of activist judges. We'll have strong sentencing guidelines and a three-strikes law.

Let's make retailers track the sales of condoms, too. Condoms are a common precursor to teenage sex, and thus we should have our federal government build computer software -- we'll call it condomstat or teensexstat -- to identify those who are potentially purchasing condoms for teenage sex. We'll all need to present identification cards in order to purchase condoms, but this is teenage sex we're talking about -- what's a little intrusion into our privacy in the name of safety?

We'll need some way to fund all this, so let's extend forfeiture laws to teen sex. When teenagers are busted on suspicion of having sex, we'll let local police take everything in sight -- cash, Mom's house, cars, toys... Soon every police force's anti-crime team will be driving around in fancy dildos and cock rings confiscated from teen sex lords.

We'll need to get ICE involved, too, as teen sex will soon be coming form Mexico. This is gonna be big.

It's WAR!

WAR!!

Yeah, time to get all "Welcome to the Monkey House" on the kids... or we could just drop the abstinence message and go for comprehensive sex ed instead.

but if these drugs are in axe body spray, won't someone else have to lick that spray off their body to ingest the chemicals? or will it be absorbed through the skin?

Why do adults forget their childhood when they have their own kids?

@11

Ally Sheedy explains this in the Breakfast Club.

It's a lot simpler than all that, Dan. You just make sure that every teenager is paired with a creepy, fat, disgusting old man who just won't fucking stop hitting on them, 24/7. Pretty soon, the idea of sex will disgust them so much that America will be extinct in a century.

can we also wire their jaws shut? i think they're really into "bjs" and "going down" or something.

Gitai @13, I volunteer! Kids! Come to papa!

I have a report here linking some teenage boys to having WMD in there pants...

I've got the solution!

Poison Pants!!!

hmm ... to think there aren't enough conflicting messages for teenagers as it is. I loved this onion article about rise in teen sex doesn't seem to get this one boy laid. I guess ... I was one off those teens that sort of wanted to get laid, but never really got around to it. I was a nerdy, albeit in shape swimmer who was an honor student and worked a zillion jobs. Getting laid? I was do damn embarrased about my upbrining and home life it didn't happen until I was 20.

Growing up sucks ... and honestly it was probably for the best. Everything was so damn weighted that I might have been a suicide case in high school after a good break up. And seriously, Generally, the girls I have dated were more damaged than enlightened from their high school sex experiences (it seemed that way then it does seem that way now, like Gitai more or less implies). A few wonderful date rapes, pressured to have sex with older men by peers and society.

I'm not a bible thumper in the slightest, I'm not saying kids should or shouldn't have sex. I think kids should do these things safely (duh!) A baby or an STD is a hell of a lot more damaging long term than perhaps a few abusive relationships. Maybe we just aren't supposed to make it EASY for them to have sex.

Here me out on this. All of the postings who raved about how wonderful teenage sex was were men. Even if a few women do post their thoughts on it, the overwhelming majority of posters are going to be men who loved to fuck as teens. Sex can not and most likely should be post poned till marriage anymore. It's not going to work. Why? Because in the 1950's and 60's you can have a baby at 18, 19 and still FUNCTION in socety. We NEED birth control and we NEED to abortion because in order to develop into functioning adults we need a longer time to educate and establish ourselves before we should ever consider children. Sex is more than just sex too ...

For the record, The Alternative, some of we men who posted did not rave about the wonderful nature of teenage sex.

All I'm saying is that if you want people to stop hurting themselves by engaging in some risky behavior, you should make that behavior illegal, demonize those who engage in it via a long-running system of goverment propaganda, and then throw all those new criminals in the clink as fast as you can. If the police need to fudge a report here and there, well that's just he way it goes. We gotta get these perps off the streets. If we were taking this teen sex issue seriously, we'd put officers like Neubert and Tietjen on the case. Those guys really know how to cut through the red tape.

Nothing says, "be safe" like "don't get caught or you're going to prison, motherfucker".

@19 ...

Are you being sarcastic? This is how counter culture is created and as my father puts it, "undermines people's respect for the law". Prohibition and the "war on drugs" to a a lesser extent are responcible for this.

And the net result of it, the abstience only teaching "undermines my respect for religion." I'm pretty sure that summarizes Dan Savages life experiences!

well ... what do you know.

If you want to keep kids from having sex, make it mandatory to join the math team. I don't think anything I did in junior high and high school was more effective at preserving my virginity.

@21

Really? When I was in high school, math team was an orgy every week.

yeah, this is all hilarious until Dan gets quoted seriously by CNN.

And that time at band camp?

"depo provera and tamoxifen, the two most effective chemical castration drugs"

Depo being a birth control drug, and tamoxifen being estrogen, wouldn't they only lower the libido of guys, and we'd end up with a bunch of teenage lesbians?

If you can't beat 'em, join 'em

Wait... now I sound like a child abuser and a chimo.

There's a war on teenagers and kids in general, what with the death penalty in some states and this (great story):

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/07/22/magazine/22juvenile-t.html?ref=magazine

Remember, sexualized kids are just potential criminals and perverts.

"driving around in fancy dildos and cock rings confiscated from teen sex lords"

That was scrumtrillescent, Phil M.

I lost my virginity with a guy who was a virgin when I was 19 (I'm female) and it was amazing. If any virgins are reading this: rent a hotel room and take your fucking time!

But isn't teenagers having sex supposed to prove that they're not gay?

Isn't that good?

I can't believe Dan Savage is urging the forced drugging of our nation's youth. Just like I can't believe that Garrison Keillor feels gays are unfit parents or that Jonathan Swift advocates baby eating. Shocking and disgusting, truly shocking.