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Monday, July 23, 2007

Winning the War on Teenage Sex

posted by on July 23 at 8:12 AM

This weekend the Washington Post reported that a long, steady decline in teen sex—and teen pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections among teens—leveled off in 2001.

After decreasing steadily and significantly for more than a decade, the percentage of teenagers having intercourse began to plateau in 2001 and has failed to budge since then, despite the intensified focus in recent years on encouraging sexual abstinence, according to new analyses of data from a large federal survey…

Experts are unsure of the reasons for the change, but they speculated that it could be the result of a combination of factors, including growing complacency among the young about AIDS and the possibility that some irreducible portion of the teenage population can never be dissuaded from having sex.

We’ve spent a decade and hundreds of millions of dollars trying to talk teenagers out of having sex, and this seemingly irreducible portion of the teenage population shrugs off the abstinence message, stubbornly insisting on their supposed right to sex. These teenagers seem to believe that sex is a choice they can make for themselves and that there’s something “cool” or “hip” about making the government, which only cares about their physical and metaphysical salvation, look foolish and out of touch.

If this new report makes anything clear it should be this: the time for talk is over. The time for taking the gloves off has arrived. It is time to get serious about winning the war on teen sex. If the number of teens having sex won’t be reduced willingly, then it is time to reduce their numbers by force.

It is time to consider the chemical castration of American teenagers.

Some may say that chemical castration is an extreme measure. But premarital sex is always wrong. Remaining sexually abstinent until marriage not only prevents the transmission of diseases and teen pregnancy, it saves souls, and prevents hurricanes. (Say what you will about Sen. David Vitter—the “pro-family, pro-abstinence, anti-gay-marriage senator from Louisiana—at least he waited until after marriage before seeking out hookers to diaper him.)

We’ve spent hundreds of millions of dollars trying to talk teenagers out of having sex while their gonads and hormones shout at them to do just the opposite. Clearly talk isn’t going to win what is, at bottom, a war on teenage hormones. We have to start speaking the language hormones understand. We need to fight hormones with drugs that attack, block, and neutralize hormones.

No more negotiation. No more talk. It’s time to put depo provera and tamoxifen, the two most effective chemical castration drugs, in Doritos and Mountain Dew and lip gloss and Axe body spray.

RSS icon Comments

1

The war on teenage sex. Huh.

Posted by Mr. Poe | July 23, 2007 8:16 AM
2

You are funny first thing in the morning.

Dang.

Posted by It's Mark Mitchell | July 23, 2007 8:24 AM
3

No need for chemicals, just require all teenage boys to wear my high school wardrobe of ill-fitting t-shirts and khaki pants.

Posted by Seth | July 23, 2007 8:32 AM
4

LOL! Spoken like a father with a son approaching puberty all too quickly.

Posted by Providence | July 23, 2007 8:39 AM
5

even chemical castration wouldn't have deterred me from chasing pussy in the late 70s.

proud to be part of the irreducable percentage.

Posted by maxsolomon | July 23, 2007 9:02 AM
6

So is the report saying that the government and religion have been unable to beat out our species' most basic instinct that also happens to provide an incredible, physical release? Who'd have thunk it?

Posted by Original Andrew | July 23, 2007 9:09 AM
7

I agree. It's time to declare war on teenage sex. Enough with the talk and education; let's enact prohibition and jail offenders. We'll need to build more prisons, but that will provide good jobs for lots of people. It will be sad to put kids in jail for having sex, but they'll know the risks when they commit the crime, so we'll sleep well knowing they brought it on themselves.

And let's not leave punishment to the discretion of activist judges. We'll have strong sentencing guidelines and a three-strikes law.

Let's make retailers track the sales of condoms, too. Condoms are a common precursor to teenage sex, and thus we should have our federal government build computer software -- we'll call it condomstat or teensexstat -- to identify those who are potentially purchasing condoms for teenage sex. We'll all need to present identification cards in order to purchase condoms, but this is teenage sex we're talking about -- what's a little intrusion into our privacy in the name of safety?

We'll need some way to fund all this, so let's extend forfeiture laws to teen sex. When teenagers are busted on suspicion of having sex, we'll let local police take everything in sight -- cash, Mom's house, cars, toys... Soon every police force's anti-crime team will be driving around in fancy dildos and cock rings confiscated from teen sex lords.

We'll need to get ICE involved, too, as teen sex will soon be coming form Mexico. This is gonna be big.

It's WAR!

Posted by Phil M | July 23, 2007 9:13 AM
8

WAR!!

Posted by Mr. Poe | July 23, 2007 9:14 AM
9

Yeah, time to get all "Welcome to the Monkey House" on the kids... or we could just drop the abstinence message and go for comprehensive sex ed instead.

Posted by east coaster | July 23, 2007 9:29 AM
10

but if these drugs are in axe body spray, won't someone else have to lick that spray off their body to ingest the chemicals? or will it be absorbed through the skin?

Posted by bill | July 23, 2007 9:30 AM
11

Why do adults forget their childhood when they have their own kids?

Posted by monkey | July 23, 2007 9:44 AM
12

@11

Ally Sheedy explains this in the Breakfast Club.

Posted by Mr. Poe | July 23, 2007 9:53 AM
13

It's a lot simpler than all that, Dan. You just make sure that every teenager is paired with a creepy, fat, disgusting old man who just won't fucking stop hitting on them, 24/7. Pretty soon, the idea of sex will disgust them so much that America will be extinct in a century.

Posted by Gitai | July 23, 2007 9:56 AM
14

can we also wire their jaws shut? i think they're really into "bjs" and "going down" or something.

Posted by erin | July 23, 2007 10:28 AM
15

Gitai @13, I volunteer! Kids! Come to papa!

Posted by Fnarf | July 23, 2007 10:31 AM
16

I have a report here linking some teenage boys to having WMD in there pants...

Posted by CodyBolt | July 23, 2007 10:54 AM
17

I've got the solution!

Poison Pants!!!

Posted by FW DeKlerk | July 23, 2007 11:52 AM
18

hmm ... to think there aren't enough conflicting messages for teenagers as it is. I loved this onion article about rise in teen sex doesn't seem to get this one boy laid. I guess ... I was one off those teens that sort of wanted to get laid, but never really got around to it. I was a nerdy, albeit in shape swimmer who was an honor student and worked a zillion jobs. Getting laid? I was do damn embarrased about my upbrining and home life it didn't happen until I was 20.

Growing up sucks ... and honestly it was probably for the best. Everything was so damn weighted that I might have been a suicide case in high school after a good break up. And seriously, Generally, the girls I have dated were more damaged than enlightened from their high school sex experiences (it seemed that way then it does seem that way now, like Gitai more or less implies). A few wonderful date rapes, pressured to have sex with older men by peers and society.

I'm not a bible thumper in the slightest, I'm not saying kids should or shouldn't have sex. I think kids should do these things safely (duh!) A baby or an STD is a hell of a lot more damaging long term than perhaps a few abusive relationships. Maybe we just aren't supposed to make it EASY for them to have sex.

Here me out on this. All of the postings who raved about how wonderful teenage sex was were men. Even if a few women do post their thoughts on it, the overwhelming majority of posters are going to be men who loved to fuck as teens. Sex can not and most likely should be post poned till marriage anymore. It's not going to work. Why? Because in the 1950's and 60's you can have a baby at 18, 19 and still FUNCTION in socety. We NEED birth control and we NEED to abortion because in order to develop into functioning adults we need a longer time to educate and establish ourselves before we should ever consider children. Sex is more than just sex too ...

Posted by the alternative | July 23, 2007 12:48 PM
19

For the record, The Alternative, some of we men who posted did not rave about the wonderful nature of teenage sex.

All I'm saying is that if you want people to stop hurting themselves by engaging in some risky behavior, you should make that behavior illegal, demonize those who engage in it via a long-running system of goverment propaganda, and then throw all those new criminals in the clink as fast as you can. If the police need to fudge a report here and there, well that's just he way it goes. We gotta get these perps off the streets. If we were taking this teen sex issue seriously, we'd put officers like Neubert and Tietjen on the case. Those guys really know how to cut through the red tape.

Nothing says, "be safe" like "don't get caught or you're going to prison, motherfucker".

Posted by Phil M | July 23, 2007 1:17 PM
20

@19 ...

Are you being sarcastic? This is how counter culture is created and as my father puts it, "undermines people's respect for the law". Prohibition and the "war on drugs" to a a lesser extent are responcible for this.

And the net result of it, the abstience only teaching "undermines my respect for religion." I'm pretty sure that summarizes Dan Savages life experiences!

well ... what do you know.

Posted by the alternative | July 23, 2007 1:22 PM
21

If you want to keep kids from having sex, make it mandatory to join the math team. I don't think anything I did in junior high and high school was more effective at preserving my virginity.

Posted by Greg | July 23, 2007 1:25 PM
22

@21

Really? When I was in high school, math team was an orgy every week.

Posted by Dave | July 23, 2007 1:31 PM
23

yeah, this is all hilarious until Dan gets quoted seriously by CNN.

Posted by Kat | July 23, 2007 1:39 PM
24

And that time at band camp?

Posted by the alternative | July 23, 2007 1:41 PM
25

"depo provera and tamoxifen, the two most effective chemical castration drugs"

Depo being a birth control drug, and tamoxifen being estrogen, wouldn't they only lower the libido of guys, and we'd end up with a bunch of teenage lesbians?

Posted by SFGirl | July 23, 2007 2:17 PM
26

If you can't beat 'em, join 'em

Wait... now I sound like a child abuser and a chimo.

Posted by Original Monique | July 23, 2007 2:25 PM
27

There's a war on teenagers and kids in general, what with the death penalty in some states and this (great story):

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/07/22/magazine/22juvenile-t.html?ref=magazine

Remember, sexualized kids are just potential criminals and perverts.

Posted by Jay | July 23, 2007 4:50 PM
28

"driving around in fancy dildos and cock rings confiscated from teen sex lords"

That was scrumtrillescent, Phil M.

I lost my virginity with a guy who was a virgin when I was 19 (I'm female) and it was amazing. If any virgins are reading this: rent a hotel room and take your fucking time!

Posted by Cromulent Words | July 23, 2007 4:51 PM
29

But isn't teenagers having sex supposed to prove that they're not gay?

Isn't that good?

Posted by Huh? | July 24, 2007 9:17 AM
30

I can't believe Dan Savage is urging the forced drugging of our nation's youth. Just like I can't believe that Garrison Keillor feels gays are unfit parents or that Jonathan Swift advocates baby eating. Shocking and disgusting, truly shocking.

Posted by Jason Arends | July 25, 2007 6:29 PM

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