The average American worker wastes 1.7 hours—nearly 20%—of their workday online. The average Slog reader, significantly more.

Grad students at NYU are working on getting your plants to call you when they’re thirsty. “We hope that the system will help people learn how to take better care of their plants over time and maybe not even need the phone calls after a while.”

Computer learns baby talk. “Wow, that’s really annoying,” say researchers, and turn it off.

The CNN/YouTube debates, as imagined by local funny man Matthew Baldwin, aka The Defective Yeti. Bueno.

Twitter. I still don’t get it.

It can’t be bargained with. It can’t be reasoned with. It doesn’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead.

For only $125, this umbrella’s handle will light up when it’s going to rain, so you don’t forget to bring it with you! Wow!

Here’s what you do: Take your computer into a room near your (roommate|(girl|boy)friend|boss|worst enemy). Open this page in 15 browser tabs, about 1 second apart. Crank up the volume, lock the door, and go buy more RAM.