At Large Closing Forever, Forever! Immortal Mama, Exposed!
posted by on March 8 at 10:16 AM
It’s a place of wicker and mystery…
As anyone who has ever been anywhere near Broadway knows damn good and well, the import store called Africa Mama traffics in gourd rattles, miniature elephants carved of jade, wicker baskets, gargantuan boxes of Nag Champa (which, the last time I checked, was a Hindu sort of thing that comes to us via Mother India, which isn’t Africa, but there you go), and nifty clay jars that are handy for carrying water to your village on your head through fifty or so scorching miles of sweating jungle—if you aren’t eaten by a lion (or “recruited” for pennies a week by Nike) on the way every day. Djembes. Ladysmith Black Mambazo. And so forth.
As far as anyone knows, Africa Mama began life on the ground floor of The Broadway Market. As the old timers tell it, as soon as she opened she was closing again, and the loud red signs went up everywhere to prove it: STOREWIDE SALE! 50-75% OFF!!! Going OUT of BUSINESS, EVERYTHING MUST GO! CLOSING FOREVER! CLEARANCE! Et cetera! Yes sir, those big red signs went up… and stayed up. But Africa Mama stayed put. It just sort of fucking sat there. It didn’t go out of business at all. And the years rolled by.
And then some more years. Rolled by. And then some more. Rolled by.
At this point, or so they say, people began to wonder a thing or two about this strange place called Africa Mama. Clearly, the poor place was going out of business. That much was sure. (Signs never lie.) Yes, it was going—but it never seemed to get there. Was there some strange kind of hoodoo/voodoo thing keeping the old girl alive? Was the place a front for drugs, or thugs, or an underground railroad for illegal Chinese? Or did they just really suck at going out of business?
And then, one fine day, years and years later, it happened, just like that. BOOP! Africa Mama—which had been going and going and going—finally went. Gone at last! All of it! The gourds were retired, Ladysmith Black Mambazoed no more. And that, as they say, was that.
Or was it?
Fuck no.
A few short months later there was as strange stirring in the wind… a strange AFRICAN MAMA sort of stirring. (Hang in there.) And then, there it was again! A stone’s throw from where it had been going out of business for years and years before—AFRICA MAMA! The DRUMS! The CLAY WATER-ON-YOUR-HEAD POTS! The NAG fucking CHAMPA! All of it lifted and moved a mere few blocks from where it began. And as soon as the Nag started Champing, they went up, too: the big red signs in the window screaming STOREWIDE SALE! 50-75% OFF!!! Going OUT of BUSINESS, EVERYTHING MUST GO! CLOSING FOREVER! CLEARANCE! Et cetera! And, again, the months rolled by…
Africa Mama went out of business at its new location for a relatively long, long time. (Going on two years, I reckon.) Then, as suddenly as it had reappeared, it vanished again… for about, oh, maybe four months. Like before, Africa Mama hadn’t gone out of business at all… She had only hoisted up her beaded skirts and tiptoed to the other end of Broadway, across from the Post Office, where the old KINKOS used to be, cattycorner from the Jack in the Box. This is where she sits now, with her djembes and wood zebras, and at this moment, her big red signs are screaming (you guessed it!), STOREWIDE SALE! 50-75% OFF!!! Going OUT of BUSINESS, EVERYTHING MUST GO! CLOSING FOREVER! CLEARANCE!
Et cetera.
Quantum physics, or something freakier, might be involved. What the (BLEEP) Do We Know ? may have to be watched. (Shudder.) Scientists are baffled. Religionists are alarmed. Anabaptists are nonplussed. Mormons are sexy. Can a business really go out of business forever? And if so, how? And if how, why? And if why, when? And in general, what? The? Fuck? The whole issue has me damn rattled, and rather alarmed. How long can this go on before a hole is ripped in our reality? And why can’t Africa Mama share some of its remarkable staying power with the thousands of deeply cherished Capitol Hill-ish establishments that are falling to the plague of rabid development, and time? (O, why?!) CAN ANYONE PLEASE EXPLAIN THIS IN A RATIONAL AND COHERENT MANNER?
I didn’t think so. I certainly can’t.
(And did I mention that in all three of its (known) incarnations, nothing, oh but nothing, in Africa Mama’s entire inventory ever resembled anything even close to 50-75% off? I guess that goes without saying. )
Why don't you go inside and ask the fucking owner? Duh.
xox
My friend's aunt owns this store...I'm gonna try to figure out the mystery.
How about Wacky Grandma, that's been in front of the place, with the sandwich board? Yelling at people to GET IN THERE AND SHOP - none of it makes any sense
miss, o! indeed! whacky gramma! hearding people into the place as if it were Disneyland, or boasted some ancient African treasure. she deserves a post all to herself, and i plan to tackle her presently. but, for the record, i saw her very recently leading a large gaggle of young Japanese tourists to the shop---probably her biggest coup ever! now, that she's peaked....what's next for whacky sandwich sign gradnma? stay tuned!
Adrian, I love only you.
The whole post reads like a missing monologue from the 80's voodoo movie, The Serpent and the Rainbow.
Love it.
on the grandma: she used to be outside panache and once she distracted me while I was wearing heels in the rain (bad idea) and I tripped and fell right in front of her, only for her to keep screaming at people to shop. I hate her.
on africa mama: thanks for finally brining this phenomena to light. It's been troublesome to me since my days working in the market. the people who work there/own it are great people, but seriously: wtf?
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
tweaking is a much bigger problem
I assume that all of these third-world craft imports that you see everywhere, the carved elephants and giraffes and Nag Champa and Guatemalan baskets and so forth, come from the same small group of elderly Jewish men in Brooklyn.
I thought the city had some kind of ordinance about false "going out of business sales", but I don't think it's ever enforced. The iconic example isn't Africa Mama but rug stores. New York has some that have been going out of business since 1978.
I have two memories of this store, one is completely irrelevant to the story, the other isn't.
Once she had a large, REALLLY nice sounding djembe in there and I less-than-threed it. She was soo smooth and oily in trying to get me to buy it, I swear she must've grown up tending a Moroccan bazaar stand, offering me a big discount, etc. I very nearly bought it but didn't because I couldn't figure out how I was going to take it on the plane. Some of the stuff in that store is really cool but I don't go in there because she's just too slimy.
The other is a memory of a long ago boyfriend, how we were visiting a (gay) male friend, and the boyfriend grew so jealous of him that while we were in this store, he picked a big argument with us, and then RAN AWAY like a little kid. Now every time my friend and I pass the store we make fun of him.
Incidentally this "going out of business [forever]" thing is a really old trick that lots of "bidness" owners use. It's frequently about the tax writeoff. Really popular with furniture store owners.
Funny story and all, but ultimately I have to agree with response #1 by Captain Obvious.
Why didn't you step inside and speak with the owner? Your article is only half-written.
Article? It's a blog post-- of course it's only half-written.
Fnarf, you are right. There is an ordinance barring the practice of "going out of business" forever type of marketing. Basically it is false or deceptive advertising. It was passed about 10 years ago, if I recall, and was mostly targeted to all the rug merchants in Pioneer Square that were perpetually in a state of "going out of business". The city actually enforced it against a handful of the worst offenders, but it seems to be widely ignored. I've often wondered why they've never dinged Africa Mama for it. I've actually been around long enough to remember when they first opened in the Broadway Market, and they've been "going out of business" pretty much since day one.
This is one my top ten favorite Slog posts ever.
When I was new in town and working in the Broadway Market, I went in there. I think I bought a money clip or something (maybe some Nag Champa?), and I was making small talk with the lady ringing me up.
"So you're moving, huh?"
"Ah, yes."
"Oh, that's neat. Where to?"
And then I received the dirtiest look I've ever seen. Now, of course, it all makes sense.
oh great god of merchants, smite down thy heathens who deceive. may they never rest until they ACTUALLY sell product at a discount!
man, they are like a weed; but one thing is for sure...of all the shops that have gone up and down on broadway? at least they are still around.
I grew up in New York City, and in mid-town Manhattan around 5th Ave, there were strings of appliance and electronic stores that perenially bore screaming red "going out of business" signs. Perhaps AM is following their business model (whatever that may be).
Great article Adrian, I laughed alot.
Africa Mama, deception is deception and your karma will return to you.
There are also like three Persian rug places down in Pioneer Square who are perpetually going out of business, but I think that comes with the trade.
Oh and as to the Grandma, here in Sydney the standing outside stores and yelling is a legitimate occupation. It's called "spriuking" (done by spriukers, of course) and basically people stand outside stores with microphones and yell about the great deals to be found inside (today I could have bought a $100 coat for $29.00 in THREE COLORS.) It's really disturbing and makes you not want to go in the stores ever.
But then again, most of those places don't have djembes…
noti, here in the U.S. spriukers were called barkers. They faded out with the circuses and snake oil salesmen. Although I do think you can hear them occassionally at carnivals, for the most part barking your products became undignified. If a product or service was good and it stood on its own you don't need an annoying person to hustle people in the door.
In regards to the "going out of business signs", false advertising is false advertising no matter the reason. Its misleading and why we have ordinances here in Seattle.
Of note, Cowri a couple blocks away sells djembes - but you don't see them continually going out of business.
Adrian, post more often. I miss you.
I could NOT stop laughing out loud as I read this hilarious post, Adrian!!
Brilliant!
I hope the powers-that-be at The Stranger will let you write a feature story, or at the very least, a review of some sort. When that happens, I might actually pick up a copy of The Stranger again.
Hi Jim. You letter i received. Thanks! Photos is GREAT!!!!
Hi Jim. You letter i received. Thanks! Photos is GREAT!!!!
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