Between frittering the last days of my early 20s away at Burning Man (I will never get that week back, Nevada you arid succubus) where I spent countless hours staring at festively decorated vaginas, penises, etc, and celebrating my 23rd birthday at the boner tornado called Hump! by watching the interplay between even more vaginas, penises, etc, I have been fist-deep in vaginas, penises, etc. for weeks.

The novelty wore off quick. I became apathetic to the sight of genitals doing their business. I even began washing myself with a rag on a stick. But then today I saw Lindsay Lohan’s vagina. There was a unicorn peeking out of it. The sight was enchanting. Thanks Perez!

In other news, tonight is my favorite bi-monthly event, The Salon of Shame. Doors open at 7:00 pm, show starts at 7:30 pm. It also promises to be an enchanting sight, as it is coincidentally held in Lindsay Lohan’s vagina (make room, unicorns and paparazzi!). Or The Rendezvous in Belltown. I forget. Either way, the event will sell out within minutes, so come early. Bring $5 dollars and your applause.