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Wednesday, August 30, 2006

News The Abstinence Industry Strikes Again

Posted by ERICA C. BARNETT on August 30 at 14:08 PM

Just in time for your daughter’s “Purity Ball,” it’s the Purity Princess Survivor Kit! (Via)

Complete with “Purity Pledge, the Pink Abstinence Card, valuable information on STD’s and your worth as a girl created by God! From nail enamel quick dry spray, a cute polka dot shower cap [?!?!?!] to nail glue, a pre-threaded sewing kit, and a dual make up sharpener…this kit is for you!”

Because nothing says “purity” like eye makeup and glue-on nails.

The kit is meant as a gift for “college girls,” “purity parties,” or “even a COMING OF AGE gift for when she finally gets her period.”

If I was 18 and my dad gave me this as a going-away gift for college, I would never come home.

I couldn’t find any details on what “valuable information on STDs” comes in the Purity Princess box (STDs are God’s punishment, you wayward slut?), but here’s the (abridged) “purity pledge.”

Dear God,

Thank you for keeping me! I am so blessed to be a virgin and today I realize that I must make a pledge to show you how serious I am about keeping my virginity and staying pure!

I make a commitment, right now, that I will not have sex until I am married. … I will wait on You, Lord. You know what is best for me. … I must keep my eyes and ears from watching or hearing anything that might lead me into temptation. Help me to not even think on things that are unpure. Jesus take hold of my imagination, let it not run wild but stay focused on you and your purpose for my life! Keep alcohol and drugs away from me. Send your Holy Spirit to help and comfort me all of my days.

And here’s the father-daughter version, originally linked by Brad:

Daughter:

I pledge to remain sexually pure…until the day I give myself as a wedding gift to my husband. … I know that God requires this of me.. that he loves me. and that he will reward me for my faithfulness.

Daddy:

I, (daughter’s name)’s father, choose before God to cover my daughter as her authority and protection in the area of purity. I will be pure in my own life as a man, husband and father. I will be a man of integrity and accountability as I lead, guide and pray over my daughter and as the high priest in my home. This covering will be used by God to influence generations to come.

“Cover my daughter”? Purity “survivor”? Creeeeepy..

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1

I wonder if Joe Simpson gave one to Jessica before she married Nick.

It's a well-known fact that she remained a virgin until their wedding night. So then was the highly publicized divorce and rumors about her being a cheating slut God's reward to her for staying "pure"?

Posted by Megan Seling | August 30, 2006 2:12 PM

2

"purity" of eye make up? more like the SIN of eye make up, shit...I do believe the Bible/GOD forbids the use of make up.

Posted by nipper | August 30, 2006 2:20 PM

3

Wait, I'm confused - does this mean that the dad can't get laid?

Posted by catalina vel-duray | August 30, 2006 2:32 PM

4

He has to use the pink purity condoms if he's laying his daughter, that's all. Not too much of a sacrifice. And put ten times in the Pink Tithing Purse (which comes with The Tithing Purse Story Card Key Chain. Maybe you can use the pre-threaded sewing kit to sew up your twat afterwards so your new hubby will get a nice tight one.

Posted by Fnarf | August 30, 2006 2:38 PM

5

She doesn't have anything
You want to steal
Well
Nothing you can touch...

Pretty in pink
Isn't she?
Pretty in pink
Isn't she?

Posted by John Mark Karr | August 30, 2006 2:55 PM

6

Do evangelical boys have to pledge purity, too? Or can they spunk up the town to their heart's delight?

Posted by Roger | August 30, 2006 3:02 PM

7

I thought they had to marry them like that FBI most wanted guy who tries to force preteen girls to marry really old guys so they have multiple wives.

Posted by Will in Seattle | August 30, 2006 3:05 PM

8

Back when I was 15 (I'm a guy), my parents got me an "abstinence ring". Gold, inscribed with the family initial, G. I wore it for about a year before I lost my virginity. Now I'm just another west-coast tree-huggin' librul. How far I have fallen! If only I'd had glue-on nails, I might have stayed pure for my future wife.

Posted by d | August 30, 2006 3:15 PM

9

glad to see I wasn't the only one who felt squicked out the entire time I was reading this. I'm abosolutely sure this whole thing was created by a creepy repressed dude who jacks-off to daddy-daughter porn. "Oh, Daddy, I'm so tight! I'm so happy you're my first, Daddy!"

Do you think they have a version to give to their gay sons, pledging his anal virginity?

Posted by el ganador | August 30, 2006 3:27 PM

10

with brown virginity cards?

Posted by jerod in oly | August 30, 2006 3:48 PM

11

Ha!

Posted by schmoo | August 30, 2006 3:59 PM

12

The post shows deep faith, that many of the visitors obviously don't have. I choose to believe what is right for me, and I wish everybody would give up using profanity.

Posted by Natasha | August 30, 2006 4:13 PM

13

Profanity? On Slog? You're fucking shitting me!

Posted by SDA in SEA | August 30, 2006 4:20 PM

14

oh man...Natasha is the fem version of the name Natas which is Satan backwards! creepy! AH SATAN indeed!

and men aren't alowed to drop seed unless its for babies, it's in the OT, so jerkin' it is hella sin and, if I remember correctly, can be classed as adultry in the second degree.

Posted by nipper | August 30, 2006 4:24 PM

15

Just how does "staying pure" prove evidence of "deep faith"? The Bible doesn't talk that much about sex - other than saying you shouldn't bag other people's partners - but yet SOME SECTS of Christianity obsess on it.

COULD IT BE that these people of "deep faith" just have dirty minds? COULD IT BE that these people of "deep faith" just can't stand the thought of other people having it off? Or COULD IT BE that these people of "deep faith" just can't mind their own damn business and keep their virginity to themselves, as people did for generations before someone figured out how to make a few bucks off it?

Posted by Catalina Vel-DuRay | August 30, 2006 4:26 PM

16

Nail on the head, Catalina. If this does scream repressed sexual obsession...

Posted by Mike in MO | August 30, 2006 4:51 PM

17

I think the fact that the only symbols they can come up with to celebrate their commitment to "purity" with are bizarrely twisted symbols of sexuality is pretty telling. Showing your determination to be pure by dressing up like a hooker is just weird. It's no wonder that religious nutjobs who take abstinence pledges give up their virginity earlier than ordinary people.

Posted by Fnarf | August 30, 2006 5:15 PM

18

Will in Seattle: Apparently they just caught that guy. The news made it sound like he was gonna go down David Koresh style. Guess not.

Posted by jerod in oly | August 30, 2006 5:27 PM

19

Yeah, he chickened out in the end.

Posted by Will in Seattle | August 30, 2006 5:58 PM

20

I pledge to remain sexually pure…until the day I give myself as a wedding gift to my husband.

So, in this religion, the wife has the equivalent value of a Cuisinart or a DVD player? Probably explains the "never been used or your money back" guarantee.

...choose before God to cover my daughter as her authority and protection...

In horse breeding, "to cover" is the equivalent of "to mount"; i.e. "the stallion covers the mare", which makes this even MORE super-creepy.

Posted by COMTE | August 30, 2006 8:20 PM

21

Christians don't want teenagers to fuck and Jews think god wants them to suck blood out of baby cocks. Only idiots believe in religion.



The Torah is good for wiping your ass with, the bible works just as well.

Even New York Public Health can't stop Rabbis from sucking blood from baby cock because god tells them to. Check out what Slate says;

http://www.slate.com/id/2133654/

Posted by religion is stupid | August 30, 2006 8:53 PM

22

Virgins make right wingers hard. Or something.

Posted by Gomez | August 30, 2006 11:01 PM

23

That is so creepy and bizarre it's difficult to believe it's for real. The thought of making that pledge with my father gives me the heebie-jeebies. Ugh!!! Run away girls, run fast and far! (And Dad will wonder what he did to drive his little girl away.)

Posted by Kristi | August 30, 2006 11:23 PM

24

Thanks for the wedding gift, honey, but I was really hoping for a toaster.

Posted by J.R. | August 31, 2006 11:20 AM

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