I believe Charles’ Gerontophobia stems from the misconception that elderly people trade in their sex lives for 20 extra rolls of skin and a hard-on for Matlock. Rest assured, Charles, just because you’re old doesn’t mean your sex drive withers away. My late grandfather was a very horny man. Hours after he died at the ripe age of 82 (or something), my grandmother ordered my mom into the basement to find his secret stash of porn. “Judy,” she said to my mom Katy, “go fetch Melvin’s porn.” She turned to glare at me. “Go help your mother.”

I still don’t know if she wanted that porn to commemorate her dead spouse or to sell on ebay. Either way, is there anything more life-affirming than an old man who likes porn? Or more horrifying than being ordered by your grieving grandmother to go ferret out your dead grandfather’s stash? I think not.

Except for maybe this cat:

Speaking of cats and the elderly, a 14-year-old boy in Pennsylvania has been accused of harassing his geriatric neighbor by meowing at her.

The boy’s family and [78-year-old Alexandria] Carasia do not get along. The boy’s mother said the family got rid of their cat after Carasia complained to police that it used her flower garden as a litter box.

See what I mean? Growing old isn’t solely about pity, medication and death. It’s also about staying youthful through daily masturbation while earning the right to be senile.
When I am old, I will call the police every time the mailman comes, and play bridge and masturbate in the hours between.