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Thursday, August 24, 2006

Re: A Ghost Story

Posted by on August 24 at 16:36 PM

I believe Charles’ Gerontophobia stems from the misconception that elderly people trade in their sex lives for 20 extra rolls of skin and a hard-on for Matlock. Rest assured, Charles, just because you’re old doesn’t mean your sex drive withers away. My late grandfather was a very horny man. Hours after he died at the ripe age of 82 (or something), my grandmother ordered my mom into the basement to find his secret stash of porn. “Judy,” she said to my mom Katy, “go fetch Melvin’s porn.” She turned to glare at me. “Go help your mother.”

I still don’t know if she wanted that porn to commemorate her dead spouse or to sell on ebay. Either way, is there anything more life-affirming than an old man who likes porn? Or more horrifying than being ordered by your grieving grandmother to go ferret out your dead grandfather’s stash? I think not.

Except for maybe this cat:

Speaking of cats and the elderly, a 14-year-old boy in Pennsylvania has been accused of harassing his geriatric neighbor by meowing at her.

The boy’s family and [78-year-old Alexandria] Carasia do not get along. The boy’s mother said the family got rid of their cat after Carasia complained to police that it used her flower garden as a litter box.

See what I mean? Growing old isn’t solely about pity, medication and death. It’s also about staying youthful through daily masturbation while earning the right to be senile.
When I am old, I will call the police every time the mailman comes, and play bridge and masturbate in the hours between.

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How the hell is that harrasment? And why would the judge even consider it? Now I could understand if the boy was the one using her flower box, but all he did was meow.

And did you find your grandpa's porn?

I don't know if it can be harassment but I now know how to irritate the hell out of my partner. Heh heh.

And did you find your grandpa's porn?

Ah, Cienna. How woefully you misunderstand Charles. He fears not asexuality, but the body itself, in all its rounded, wrinkled, pulsing, effluvent, organic manifestations. To crawl free of this wreckage of human birth to a world of pure crystalline thought - that is Charles' naked desire.

Oh, and your grandmother probably wanted to throw out grandpa's porn the instant he died. Don't you know the face of long-suffering disgust when you see it?

All I can say is, holly shit, that is one motherfucking big cat! Is that photoshopped?

Pleasantly enough, we found no porn. It's still lurking downstairs, somewhere.
My grandmother continues to bring it up on holidays (as in, talks about the porn, not decorates the house with it).

And yes, that is one big motherfucking cat. Alas, Jude, I stole it from the internets, so I have no idea if it was photoshpped or not.

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