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Gays cause global warming…
The rise in homosexuality coincided with global warming. Look it up. Back when winter was winter, gay guys lived in Key West and New Orleans and Santa Monica. They like to show off their legs and keep tan, that’s why. It’s a proven fact. Warming trends enabled the tribe to move into Massachusetts. The way to fend off gay marriage is to reduce carbon emissions.
Key West, New Orleans, Santa Monica, and.... uh... Provincetown, the native habitat of polar bears. We are everywhere....
"And now I'm all caught up in the question of what color sheets to buy. Flowered pattern versus white. Thread count, etc. Usually my wife handles this, and I devote myself to larger matters, the coming crisis in health care, that sort of thing, but the heat wave throws everything off."
Geez I guess we may as well accept the fact that you're gay because it's hot outside and I couldn't possibly concern my girly self with matters other than flowery sheets. Should I just burn my engineering degree right now? What a load of crap!
Everyone knows that globabl warming is caused by the lack of pirates.
The obvious solution is more pirates.
Arrr matey!
Polar bears! That's hilarious! Does that refer to hairy guys that like cold weather or hairy guys with white hair?
Will is right! Graphical proof: http://www.venganza.org/piratesarecool4.jpg
You're missing the more salient point, Will - Pirates have declined because so many of them have come out. The correlation is there! No other cause is reasonable!
For the sake of our planet, we must keep gay pirates in the closet!
Our hardworking American pirates have been outsourced to Asia, leaving pirates -- and pirate FAMILIES -- to fend for themselves in the shark-infested waters of the unemployment office. Who wouldn't heat up over that?
Um, Keillor's theory does not explain San Francisco. Ever spend a summer in SF? As Mark Twain put it, "the coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco."
However, I do think the correlation with the decline in pirates is clear. Hail FSM!
Thanks, DNA! and never forget, even if some pirates act gay, or maybe are women dressed up as men, it's still all about the global warming.
Remember, if the World Trattoria Organization (WTO) hadn't failed in it's last attempt at imposing global pirate exchanges, we'd be looking at a surfeit of foreign pirates looting our shores and inland waterways in Utah right now.
will -- That's defnitely cool science ... even the x-coordinate labels are just a little bit out of order.
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Actually, I think that the columnist is implying that global warming has caused more gays...