FOR FUCK'S SAKE PLEASE DING DONG...BAKE SOME FUCKING COOKIES....it's been months...and I die a little more each day I'm without them 'you bake 'em, I'll eat 'em' snacks. can you NOT SEE what you're doing to me!??!

"Savage. Santorum." (Dan sometimes makes...)

Ahem—santorum is defined as...

"The frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is SOMETIMES the byproduct of anal sex."

SOMETIMES.

If you're doing it right, you rarely if ever make santorum. Santorum production is for amateurs. Also, if you're in a long-term relationship, as I am, and you don't use condoms, as we don't, your require very little lube. A dab will literally do 'ya. That also cuts down on the santorum issues.

TMI, I know, but I didn't start it.

If I was Megan, I would promptly bake up a big batch of cookies so unspeakably vile that no one will ever ask again. Continue to make the good ones for yourself and your friends, but put a little laundry detergent or feta cheese in your next batch of chocolate chip and they'll stop bugging you. Maybe they'll even make their own; it's not that friggin' hard to bake decent cookies.