Arts Tube sock gags all the rage at Scientology baby showers
…or at least they should be, as the religion demands that women give birth
or their partners present.
According to The Sun, Katie Holmes, who was months ago implanted with Tom Cruise’s alien seed, recently received a delivery of “birthing boards” that say absurd shit like, “Be silent and make all physical movements slow and understandable.”
These boards will be hung about the room as Ms. Holmes pops out her baby without the gratification of healthy hollering (which Scientologists believe might cause the offspring to suffer psychic damage), or pain-dulling drugs.
Note to theists: If you’re going to invent a religion that demands silence in the labor room, at the very least stipulate that birthing mothers be provided with their partner’s forearm and a steak knife, so everyone can practice suffering in silence.