For better or worse, I love the Oscars, and could spend the next six hours Slogging about last night’s affairs. But I’m on deadline for my goddamned column, so I must restrict my comments to these:
1. I do not like Crash (preachy, klutzy, Altman-lite hooey) but I understand why it won.
2. Yes, Lily Tomlin and Meryl Streep were odd and delightful while bestowing an Honorary Oscar upon Robert Altman, and yes, Altman gave a wonderful speech. But all of the aforementioned delights were poisoned by the fact that the Academy was giving AN HONORARY OSCAR TO ROBERT FUCKING ALTMAN. In a world where both Kevin Costner and Mel Gibson have ACTUAL, project-specific Best Director Oscars, the notion of having to give Robert Altman an “honorary” Oscar makes me want to stab stab stab. (And when Martin Scorsese is eventually given HIS Honorary Oscar, I’m going to cry tears of blood.)
3. Putting all this Oscar drama in perspective is a terrifyingly hilarious press release I received this morning from a Conservative Christian author about last night’s parade of evil. Masochists may find it after the jump. (My fave bits: The repeated mistaken reference to lead actress Reese Witherspoon as a supporting actress—perhaps all women have supporting roles in the Christian Kingdom?—and the theory that Reese garnered the requisite votes for her Oscar win through strategic “Bush bashing.”) Enjoy!
RED CARPET RED STATES' AWARDS
For Best Family-Friendly Films
Blue States values were the big winners at this year's Academy Awards rewarding
blatant anti-family themes of homosexuality, prostitution, pimping, drugs, crime,
and the overall demonization of America as a bunch of bigots and oil mongers.
Virtually absent from the podium was anything supportive of hard work,
self-responsibility, charity, faith or family.
The two exceptions were that the supporting actress Oscar went to Reese Witherspoon,
who actually deserved the honor but probably won the extra votes necessary due to
her blatant real life Bush-bashing, and the best documentary going to a bunch of
penguins who were neither blue nor red. They were values neutral: black and white
but the fact that it was a pro-environmental film probably didn't hurt.
"Parents of America, unite! It's time for us to stand up against this filth,ā€¯ said
Bestselling children's author Katharine DeBrecht, who is "Chairmomā€¯ of the new Red
Carpet Red States' Film Awards, a kinder, gentler and refreshing pro-family
alternative to the Oscars.
RED CARPET RED STATES' AWARDS:
BEST PICTURE: The Chronicles of Narnia (snubbed by the Oscars except for make-up)
Magnificent film based on the classic CS Lewis book about good versus evil, that
brings home the values of love, family, forgiveness and sacrifice.
Honorable Mention: Pride and Prejudice (snubbed by the Oscars)
Beautiful film about family and true love that explores the virtuous side of pride,
and the faulty side of pride that can result in unwarranted prejudices.
ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE: Joaquin Phoenix
Phoenix portrays Johnny Cash in a brilliant film about the legendary singer which
does not glorify drugs and alcohol, but shows how addiction affects relationships
ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE: Paul Giamatti — The Cinderella Man (snubbed by the Oscars)
Giamatti portrays the manager of real-life Depression era boxer, James J. Braddock,
in a moving film about love and devotion for family and following your dreams.
ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE: Reese Witherspoon — Walk the Line (Great actress but
big Bush-basher in real life)
Witherspoon portrays June Carter, long-time friend and wife of Johnny Cash,
struggling to keep her friend away from the damaging addictions that haunt him.
ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE: Rene Zellweger — The Cinderella Man (snubbed by Oscars)
Zellweger portrays Mae, the wife of James J. Braddock, a woman who places keeping
her family together in any hardship above all.
DOCUMENTARY: March of the Penguins (Great film but it's pro-environmental theme
didn't hurt it's chances at the Academy Awards)
Excellent documentary about penguins in Antarctica where fathers risk their lives
without food or water for 2 months to protect their offspring.
Quotes by Katharine DeBrecht regarding this year's Oscar picks:
"The movies garnering the most Oscar nominations included films about feature
sympathetic terrorists, gay cowboys, communist sympathizers, and transexuals. How
bad is Hollywood out of touch with mainstream values? None of the best picture
nominees were even in the top 20 highest grossing movies of last year!"
"Selecting Jon Stewart as its host only offers more proof that the Academy has taken
a turn to the far left. Stewart uses his show to attack President Bush nightly, and
he freely admits he voted for Democrat John Kerry in 2004. He once mocked a
Christian guest who was explaining intelligent design, saying he wanted to 'smoke a
bong' with him. Stewart is hardly a reflection of mainstream America, so in that
sense he was the perfect representative for Hollywood."
"It's time to roll out the Red State Red Carpet to high quality, family friendly
movies that the Oscars snubbed. Forget the gay cowboys -- let's tell Hollywood to
take a hike and talk about the movies that were truly the best of 2005."