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Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Sam Brownback

posted by on January 23 at 14:37 PM


Right-wing pundits were steaming about my campaign to turn Rick Santorum’s last name into a very dirty word in the run-up to the last election. That would be the race Ricky lost by 18 points. Here’s Kathryn Jean Lopez letting me have it at National Review, and pay-for-say conservative pundit/Bush administration hack Maggie Gallagher fuming in her syndicated column (“The undying hatred of people with Dan Savage’s views is a badge of honor…”). Those were good times, huh?

But at least with Santorum the wingers waited to attack me until after I attacked him. (And I only attacked Santorum after he attacked me—and all homos everywhere—several hundred thousand times in the U.S. Senate.) The wingers are worried that with Santorum farmed out to some stink tank or other, I might turn my attentions to their new pooperstar, a conservative presidential candidate with a last name as ripe for the fucking as Rick Santorum’s: Sam Brownback.

The Republican presidential candidate who generates the most contempt among the Left is Kansas Senator Sam Brownback. On Saturday he announced that he’s officially entering the race for the Republican nomination. Brownback wants to position himself as the “true conservative” among Republican presidential candidates. He’s a vocal opponent of gay marriage and abortion.

He’s attracting notice from both ends of the political spectrum.

As I’ve remarked earlier about Brownback, left-wing gay activists have taken to mockingly nicknaming the senator “Brownback Mountain.” But it may not end at name calling…. Despite meager support among Republicans when they ran for president in 2000, some gays couldn’t stomach the very idea of Gary Bauer and Alan Keyes.

Sex advice columnist and gay-rights activist Dan Savage, pictured above, took his Bauer-Keyes hatred to a bizarre level seven years ago. He volunteered for Gary Bauer’s campaign shortly before the Iowa caucuses—while suffering from the flu. By licking pens, doorknobs, and any other device that could be touched by other Bauer staff, Savage hope to use germ warfare to undermine the Bauer effort…. A warning to the Brownback campaign. Watch out for the guy….

Hm… licking Brownback’s knob? I’m not interested, Marathon Pundit. First, licking office supplies, doorknobs, hardware, and staplers is gross—which I know that for a fact. And while pretending to be a terrorist in 2000 was tres amusant, it’s not so much anymore. (And remember: Bauer compared gay marriage to terrorism before 9/11, something Santorum would do after 9/11. So while I, depraved homo, no longer see faux terrorism as a funny stunt, right wingers still can’t resist abusing the term.) Besides, I learned my lesson when I was indicted by the state of Iowa for something I didn’t do (vote fraud) because they couldn’t charge me with a crime for what I did do (slobbering all over Gary Bauer’s knobs).

And besides, Marathon Pundit, do I even need to lick Brownback’s knobs? Calling Santorum names—from afar! I never even had to get near him! thank God!—did Rick so much damage that wingnut bigwigs like Lopez and Gallagher took time away from making excuses for (and cashing checks from) the Bush administration to attack lil’ ol’ pole smokin’ me. My readers are badgering me to go after Brownback. A few recent emails:

It was great to see how much good the re defining of Rick Santorum’s name worked out in the election but now it appears the GOP has another up coming star, Sam Brownback. Brownback as I’m sure you know is opposed to abortion (even in the case of rape and incest) and doesn’t think the constitution affords those undergoing abortion a right to privacy. So far he hasn’t really made strong statements in opposition to gay life styles although he does oppose gay marriage but he has been deliberately swinging to the right whenever possible recently to try and establish himself as the right wing candidate for the ‘08 election. Perhaps you and your readers could work on a definition to pin on him. I mean come on… BROWNBACK!—Slander Politicians If They’re Evil
In light of his unrelenting efforts to persecute those who support gay marriage and persistent (and unconstitutional?) attempts to malign judicial nominees based on their activities supporting the LGBTG community, wouldn’t it be great to jumpstart a campaign to associate Senator Sam Brownback’s surname with something less savory and more antagonistic to his political base? Considering the success with Rick Santorum, this one should be fairly easy given the meanings one can readily infer from “Brownback.”—Faithful Fan
Despite your humility on the issue, the world owes you much for the humiliation cast upon Sen. Frothy Mix. May I suggest that you turn your arsenal of readers (and now listeners—great podcast) toward a new target: Kansas Sen. Sam Brownback. Besides having a name divinely crafted for ridicule, he is being anointed as the next great hope of the theocons and is testing the waters for a presidential run. He’s virulently anti-abortion, anti-stem cell, anti-gay rights, and member of a creepy Christian Right group “The Fellowship.” He even co-sponsored the “Constitution Restoration Act,” a bill that would strip the Supreme Court of its ability to hear church-state cases. So, how about it: a contest to name a sex act or by-product ‘The Brownback’?—Time to Savage Brownback

Brownback… upper case… brownback… lower case…

It seems we could, with a little effort and a website, come up with a lower-case definition for Brownback. I could sit on my ass in Seattle, do whatever harm I can to Brownback’s presidential campaign, all without having to travel or risk arrest. Sounds like a plan.

I’m open to ideas for possible sex acts, substances, or byproducts.

RSS icon Comments


Well, isn't Brownback what your partner gets after you do it to him and forget to wipe afterwards? After all, not everything stays on the outside of the condom, some sticks to the skin.

That said, they're just whining because you were so successful.

Posted by Will in Seattle | January 23, 2007 2:44 PM

oh, and did you hear how brownback announced his candidacy this weekend: "let's follow the yellow brick road to the white house." gross gross gross!

Posted by dorothy | January 23, 2007 2:44 PM

And while pretending to be a terrorist in 2000 was tres amusant, it’s not so much anymore.

Aside from bringing a fake gun to city hall and offering drugged cookies to staffers of course.

Posted by PA Native | January 23, 2007 2:57 PM

Senator Brokeback? Don't forget to include his finacial backers

Posted by Jake of | January 23, 2007 2:58 PM

Why, PA Native, what's terroristic about bring pot cookies to City Hall? Or a fake gun?

Posted by Dan Savage | January 23, 2007 3:00 PM

"let's follow the yellow brick road to the white house." --- How gay is THAT?

Posted by CameronRex | January 23, 2007 3:02 PM

What's the goal? To sink his career in the Senate or his presidential candidacy?

Even ghoulish, mouth-foamers like Maggie Gallagher know Brownback isn't electable.

If derailing the prez candidacy is the goal, I think we should save it until the R's select someone or at least have a front runner. I'm telling you, that rat fink Huckabee is going to be in there, and he’s every bit as nasty as Brownback if not worse.

Posted by Original Andrew | January 23, 2007 3:10 PM

Not to distract from this very worthy call for submissions, but ... "vote fraud" is something you didn't actually do? I read that you pled guilty to that. What's the real story? All my knowledge about it is gleaned from Wikipedia.

Also, my suggestion for "Brownback": a white sex tourist who visits foreign countries; and whose activities, were they discovered by authorities, would result in jailing and/or deportation. Sort of the opposite of "wetback."

Posted by mattymatt | January 23, 2007 3:10 PM

The name speaks for itself.

Posted by keshmeshi | January 23, 2007 3:18 PM

"Section 802 of the USA PATRIOT Act (Pub. L. No. 107-52) expanded the definition of terrorism to cover "domestic," as opposed to international, terrorism. A person engages in domestic terrorism if they do an act "dangerous to human life" that is a violation of the criminal laws of a state or the United States, if the act appears to be intended to: (i) intimidate or coerce a civilian population; (ii) influence the policy of a government by intimidation or coercion; or (iii) to affect the conduct of a government by mass destruction, assassination or kidnapping. Additionally, the acts have to occur primarily within the territorial jurisdiction of the United States and if they do not, may be regarded as international terrorism."


It's mostly the gun and the fact that you were trying to influence the law. Fake or not, it creates a dangerous situation and, according to the law, could be considered domestic terrorism. Maybe it's a stretch but not a far one if it is.

Posted by PA Native | January 23, 2007 3:30 PM

Hm. Well, I won't do that again--at least I won't write about it the next time I do it.

Posted by Dan Savage | January 23, 2007 3:37 PM

Brownback? More like Brown Teeth. Dude needs some white strips.

Posted by Misty Brown | January 23, 2007 3:51 PM

I'd love to see Brownshirt get nominated. It would make the Democrat's job that much easier.

Posted by Fnarf | January 23, 2007 3:53 PM

@11 - what, no brownies?

Posted by Will in Seattle | January 23, 2007 3:59 PM

brownbacking - when scat fetishes bareback

Posted by Blaire (with an e) | January 23, 2007 4:04 PM

brownbacking: (v) the act of using expectorated chewing tobacco spittle as a lubricant for anal sex.

Posted by kiki sinclair | January 23, 2007 4:09 PM

There's gay bukkake, right? (Pardon my ignorance, despite being kind of into dudes, I only take my porn 'straight' - that's just how I'm wired.) Well if you consider Brownback metaphorically, suspended upside-down, as appropriate for a Kansas Republican who follows his constituency on abortion and Godliness while undermining their health and economic security, taking it in the ass for them from interests opposed to their well-being such as the oil lobby, big ag corporations promoting farm consolidation and frankenfoods as well as copyrighted seeds, profiteers like Halliburton whose wars kill their kids, banks making it impossible for the individual to declare bankruptcy, etc, etc, etc, by the time all those lobbyists and contributors have gathered around stuck their dicks in his loose, loose butthole and the resulting santorum (!) is crawling down his back in a slick toward his neckline, you could say he has 'brownback'.

But I don't like using acts of love as metaphors for physical or moral violence, so we could just say he's a bad guy and let our dirty minds run free every time his name is mentioned. Perhaps one day I will also stop instantly thinking 'nutsack' every time I hear Tom Vilsack mentioned, but probably not soon.

Posted by Grant Cogswell | January 23, 2007 4:18 PM

"Brownbacks" are people fleeing social and economic problems in Kansas. "Intelligent design," anti-abortion lunatics like Fred Phelps and a poorly conceived farm economy lead to an exodus of the young and talented.

We need to build a fence around Kansas to keep the brownbacks from crossing our borders. Luckily I escaped a long time ago.

Posted by stilwell | January 23, 2007 4:49 PM

@10 - who died and made you Minister of Thought Crimes?

Posted by Will in Seattle | January 23, 2007 5:12 PM

"Brownbacking" is the act of unprotected anal sex, wherein the penetratee is a closeted highly-placed evangelical Christian anti-gay crusader. "Reverend Haggard offered me a hundred bucks to brownback him."

Posted by pox | January 23, 2007 5:53 PM

Brownbacking- Slapping your feces and semen covered penis on your partners back after a messy anal sex session.

Posted by brandon h | January 23, 2007 7:08 PM

@21 - I think we have a winner!!!

Posted by CameronRex | January 23, 2007 9:50 PM

I read an interesting diary thread at about a month ago about Brownback. He apparently is for the more humane treatment of prisoners so they don't come out even more psychologically fucked up than they were when they went in. Specifically it was about prison rape and the way it's practically institutionialized in our system.

At the time I thought, hey, he's a religious conservative wingnut but who can argue with that? (And there were conservative religious wingnuts doing just that - well, I don't know how many were religious, but they were there basically saying "so what, don't do the crime etc.") But I think now that it has to do more with a crusade to prevent homosexual activity of all kinds. Fuck him.

Yes, @ 21 looks like the best definition. It has that inauthenticity of the dirty sanchez so it's the most likely to catch on.

Posted by Matt from Denver | January 23, 2007 10:12 PM

if your pals want sexual re-definitions for every senator or presidential hopeful who doesn't support gay marriage, you've got a long list to get through before 2008.

Posted by factcheck | January 23, 2007 11:48 PM

Part of the success of the Santorum redefinition was that it was something that people encounter. So I don't think 17's suggestion would be successful, sorry.

To throw my suggestion into the ring:
Brownback (noun): When Santorum remains undetected post-coitus; the fecal component is then allowed to remain on the back and/or torso of an individual. The condition is noticed sometime later, after it's taken on a cement-esque consistency.

Posted by no clever name | January 24, 2007 6:00 AM

brownback: What happens when you're sodomizing someone doggie style, and slip out, leaving a streak of santorum up your partner's tailbone

Posted by anonymous coward | January 24, 2007 7:08 AM

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