Character Study Maxine at Mother’s Day Brunch
posted by May 12 at 10:00 AMon
In honor of Motherís Day and the fact that my grandmother is the most awesome person I know, I decided to slow down on the free booze at brunch and ask my grandmother some questions.
Thereís my grandson! We never see you; why canít you come around once in a while? You can at least call. You have a phone, right?
I just saw you last week! How old are you now, Grandma?
Seventy-Eight dear. Oh my, what a horrible question to ask. Get out of here.
Come on, thatís not that old.
You know I was at church and Father was asking about you?
Come on, “Father” doesn’t even know who I am. I went to church with you when I was 13. There is no way he remembers me!
He Does! He asks about you, and some girl there asks about you, too.
You got a girlfriend yet? When you getting married? Are you making good money?
No. Never. No.
My friendís grandpa turned 100 today and threw a baseball at the Mariners game!
Does he play for them? Is he married?
No he doesnít play for them, but he is 100 years oldóhe got to throw the first pitch because he was turning 100. I have no idea if he is married, but he is a little old for you, donít you think?
Here, take five bucks. You know I always save five bucks for you. Take a nice girl out sometime. What about her? That girl right there.
Thatís the neighbor, and she’s, like, 14. Come on, whatís wrong with you? Stop pointing!
Girls look so much older these days. Maybe she has a sister?
So what number Motherís Day is this for you now?
Well letís see, I was born in 1930 and had Johnny when I was 18. So 1948 was the firstÖ I believe this is my 60th Motherís Day.
Wow thatís a shitload of Motherís Days! Excuse meÖ sorry!
Brayden! I should wash your mouth out with soap. You used to be so cute! What happened?
Sorry! So, who do you want to win the election?
Oh dear, I donít really care. Just get that damn Bush out! He is messing up the whole stinking world. We need women in chargeóthey are smarter and it is about time. You got a girlfriend yet? When you getting married? You need to meet a nice girl. Here, take five bucks!
Okay, no! I will be right back. Iím going to get a drink.