TV Today in Great Ape-Related Crap I Watched on TV
posted by November 13 at 16:30 PMon
I don’t know if you guys know, but there is a thing that exists in the world called a BABY ORANGUTAN. I was watching Animal Planet the other day (as uuuuuusual!) and it was broadcasting a program into my eyeballs called Orangutan Diary. You should probably check this shit out.
The title is misleading. Although orangutans might look like your grandpa (except more orange), they don’t actually have a written language or bookbinding technology. Also, an actual Orangutan Diary would be tres horrific (“Dear Orangutan Diary, A farmer killed my mom with a machete today. Plus, I am so sick of eating bamboo pith. TTYL! Love, Baby O”).
But anyways, the orangutans live in Borneo or something, where humans like to cut down the jungle (so that they can plant palm oil plantations and then make money for food or clothing or jungle huts), which results in dead orangutan moms and orphaned orangutan BABIEZ. (Is it racist that I said “jungle huts”? I was just trying to allude, in an oversimplified way, to whatever complicated shit causes humans to cut down jungles. The orangutan sanctuary people seem to think that the Borneo people just HATE ORANGUTANS. Surely that is not the case. However, I am not an economist.)
The baby orangutans are devastatingly cute and lonely, and they go live at this sanctuary where they attend “Forest School” for six years. The humans teach the orphaned orangutans how to be wild orangutans, like: “Look at this termite! It’s hella delicious!” or “This plant is poisonous, dumbass!” or “YOU GUYS. DO NOT HUG SNAKES.”
Sometimes the orangutans were kept as pets, so they’re all neurotic and bald. But then they’re SO HAPPY when they get to go sit in a tree and poop on a leaf. Anyway, in the end, when they graduate from Forest School, the orangutans all go live on a MAGIC ISLAND in the middle of a river, where they lounge on the beach and eat bananas ALL DAY.
Are you crying yet?
Moral of the story: I love orangutans.
Rating: 5 out of 5 orangutan poops.
Next time in Great Ape-Related Crap I Watched on TV: A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila. She looks like that Carl’s Jr. mascot made flesh. Plus a prostitute. Minus hamburgers.